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(almost) healed from codependency

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This topic contains 0 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Avatar of Matt Matt 1 year, 1 month ago.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #39981
    Avatar of SerCay
    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi All,

    As a person who has just started healing from codependency 3 months ago, sometimes I find myself in a puzzle..
    Like, is my reaction just my old codependent me talking, or am I in my right to be upset about this?

    I would like to know your opinion as I can’t think straight.

    The situation in a sketch:

    I have had surgery a week ago. Still tired all the time but besides from not being able to go outside alone, I can do everything on my own.
    My bf since, has been taking care of me. Well in his own way. He comes to my place every day at 7 in the evening, brings food, we eat together and he leaves. (He cant sleep over because he moves a lot in his sleep and I have had surgery in my face, so we need to be carefull coming month.

    Then the last couple of 5 days, he has had soccer games in the evening so I only saw him at 9 a couple days and other days I just havent seen him at all.

    Today, no soccer game, he said, u kno what, im gonna come right over to you when I wake up, and we’re gonna hang out together. Because I sit inside whole day.

    I told him I would like to do something like a movie marathon or something.

    So when he woke up, he called me, said he was gonna be quick, to do groceries first.
    Now I know how longgg groceries take him and I really could use to go outside the house, so I asked to go with.
    He said no need, he’ll be quick.

    He came around at 5, 4 hours later.

    No worries, I thought, I was waiting for him to take a nap together, so I thought I’d have energy to do dishes and cook together when I wake up with more energy.

    He comes in, starts complaining right away about the dishes and starts doing them.

    I went to sleep alone. I’d been waiting for him all day and I was just pissed.

    Then he comes inside, and starts eating BY HIMSELF.

    I snapped…I mean, can’t he spend 1 day with me?
    Ever since the surgery until today, he has been available to me a couple hours in the evenings.
    And I feel just pissed because I would take care of him if he had surgery or some kind.
    He comes here and sleeps after we eat then wakes up and leave.
    Am I asking too much from him here?

    He cooked for me the first 2 days after my surgery, then he said I’m too high maitenance :S:S I mean come ooon Ive had surgery dudee I cant get out the housee

    He doesn’t have a job or anything, so he’s free all day.
    I feel like I’m a burden to him and its a f’ed up feeling!

    Please guys, is this my old codependency speaking or do I actually have a point here?

    #39983
    Avatar of John
    John
    Participant

    If I understood the sketch correctly:

    - 3 months passed since you’re last co-dependent relationship
    - your new relationship starts with your boyfriend “taking care” of you after surgery
    - you feel like your physical needs may be a burden on him (you’re worried about him self-sacrificing to meet your needs)
    - if he had surgery, you would take care of him (you would self-sacrifice to meet his needs)
    - when you’re boyfriend is not available this causes you distress and you feel alone or lonely

    I’m not sure, but I’m thinking there’s still some unhealthy attachment on both sides. You thrive on your boyfriend taking care of you and your boyfriend enjoys being the knight in shining armor at your time of need, except when real life gets in the way and your needs are not meant resulting you to turn on the other person who you expect to be the source of your comfort and happiness.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Avatar of John John.
    #39988
    Avatar of SerCay
    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi John,

    No I’ve been with him for almost 3 years now, I worked in the co-dependency apart from my relationship….

    The thing is, I NEVER physically need him, and then when I do once in a blue moon I get pissed he is so unavailable..

    I totally get what you’re saying, but it’s so annoying to be with someone that is more UNavailable than he is available

    He makes me doubt my common sense

    #39990
    Avatar of John
    John
    Participant

    In that case, I retract my statement. I misunderstood the scenario you were describing.

    The only other thing that I would react to is this notion of keeping score, “more UNavailable than he is available”.

    What if, when he is available, he is simply available, and when he’s not available, he’s simply not available. If we stop tracking numbers and setting up implicit expectations what someone should or should not be, there’s so much less churn. ;)

    #39991
    Avatar of John
    John
    Participant

    Typo

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Avatar of John John.
    #40003
    Avatar of Matt
    Matt
    Participant

    SerCay,

    I only have a moment, forgive the brevity.

    Consider that the codependency isn’t in the feelings… its in the fear that has prevented you from stating your preferences. For instance, if you wanted to lay down with him, did you say that? Did you ask him to wait to eat? Often our expectations can’t be met if we don’t express them, and then we get pissed off our partner is not psychic.

    He may also feel a little strained, have you asked him if he is feeling burdened? Are you too afraid he will say yes? Would you assume that “SerCay” is the burden, rather than the situation both of you are in?

    Recovery is part perception and part courage. Seeing our feelings and how they interfere, and the courage to speak up about what we think, see, feel and desire.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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