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Am I A Cheater?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #125847
    Jamie
    Participant

    I’m so frustrated and in need of help. I ask you all to please share your advice with me regarding this matter.

    I’m in my 20’s, i study architecture, live alone and have a close circle of friends. I started dating this guy in August, 2015. He seemed a little bit immature, but he treated me amazing and we had our usual ups and downs, but the ups ALWAYS overshadowed the downs. Fast forward to a year later, he travelled to Paris on a work-visit, and when he got back he was a different man. He gave me less attention, didn’t talk or listen to me like before, and frankly speaking all he wanted was to get sexual or touch me inappropriately while I was working/studying. Things only got worse, and eventually I had enough with it and broke up with him..After a week, I begged for him back, and we eventually got back together. Only two weeks later, we broke up again, and this time he insulted and disrespected me telling me to shut up, he dropped me back home one night and proceeded to go partying with this friends while i was calling him six times! A month passes by, and all i received from him were insults, and failed attempts to make me jealous. So one night, I got a little tipsy and kissed someone else. We kissed again, however nothing beyond that. He was and remains a good friend who helped me forget my worries. When my ex-found out he was devestated, and we tried to fix things but he keeps insulting me, telling me to get out of his life, calling me a cheater constantly. Every time i leave him alone, he comes back after a couple of weeks and makes me feel like i cheated on him and tells me he doesn’t know who i am. Did i do something wrong? I’m depressed and insomniac. I would have never wanted to hurt him….Any advice on what is the right thing to do?

    Much Love,
    Jamie

    #125860
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jamie:

    Before two kisses with another man, your boyfriend insulted and disrespected you many times. So, first there were insults and disrespect. Stop there- insults and disrespect is unacceptable in a relationship. So whether you are a cheater (title of your thread) is not relevant, in my mind, because I am not passed the insults-and-disrespect phase.

    Notice: he insulted and disrespected you before the two kisses. And after. The problem is … that insulting and disrespecting behavior on his part. Deal with that first…?

    anita

    #125862
    Jamie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Firstly, thank you for your wonderful advice: You are completely right, and it’s embarassing to actually type out that i still feel some sort of love towards someone so cruel. However, I have explained my point of view and repeatedlty told him this, yet he does not seem to understand!! I am so frustrated. I am confused whether I should block him out of my life…or stay and hope for him to wake up. My biggest fear is for him to move on with another girl, while i’m stuck feeling this way.

    How do i get over his insults and down-grading comments? 🙁

    #125864
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jamie:

    You wrote: “I am confused whether I should block him… or stay and hope for him to wake up”-

    I say: you, dear Jamie, you wake up.

    His “insults and down-grading comments” are not for you to get over; they are for you to block. It should not be up to him to make your life insults-free. It should be up to you to block the source of insults and down-grading comments out of your life.

    If he moves on with another girl, too bad for her, if she takes such abuse. Do not envy that position, being his girlfriend. Exit it. Be in a relationship with a respectful man instead.

    anita

    #125877
    Max Bye
    Participant

    Hi Jamie,
    Obviously, we’ve been given a very small snapshot into your relationship so it’s hard for any of us to make big decisions like “leave him” on your behalf.

    I think their are two issues at play here.
    1. Your boyfriend is abusive.
    Your friends are the best litmus test here.
    If he’s a jerk and making you feel bad then I agree with Anita – there are better fish in the sea.
    But if he’s a cool guy and you trust him and he’s just acting like a jerk because we all say dumb things in the heat of the mo’ and you wanna see your relationship work, then that’s cool too.
    It’s your decision but I wouldn’t get too hung up on the one guy.

    2. Cheating
    To me this is a separate issue and I got some really fantastic advice on the subject.
    A relationship is all about trust. Breaking that trust is the cheating part.
    If my GF got drunk and kissed someone, I would forgive her because we all do dumb things when we’re drunk.
    Just cause we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean we can’t get a crush on another person / always be devout.
    But if she saw that guy after that night, I would consider that breaking the limits of our trust.

    If you want your relationship to work, I would highly recommend cutting ties with that boy you kissed.
    Having him in the picture hampers the trust your bf can put into you and will stop him from moving on.
    Good luck dude and be mindful of these relationships on your health.
    Have fun, as soon as these relationships affect your health, they ain’t worth your time.

    #125894
    Jamie
    Participant

    Hi Mr Moonhead,

    Thank you for your response.

    Firstly, you are right that people sometimes say some things they do not mean when they are angry, however these insults started way before I kissed someone else( which i did when we were broken up!!!)
    If only people were as understanding as you, i guess not everyone thinks in the same way.
    My issue is as follows:
    Does he have the right to constantly bring me down, 4 months proceeding our break up and call me a cheater?!
    I am so sick and tired of feeling insulted, and frankly speaking I am unable of cutting ties with his toxic behaviour. It affects me deeply. How do i exit such a toxic relationship?!

    Best,

    Jamie

    #125896
    Max Bye
    Participant

    Hi Jamie,

    Every breakup is different so again this advice only goes so far.
    Also, I’ve gone through a few breaks-ups but absolutely no expert.
    I always find the best way to exit a relationship emotionally for both parties is tell him the relationship is over and state directly to him that he isn’t going to be able to get in contact, spend one last night together and then cut all ties completely for three months.

    This may seem cold but the small getting back togethers, the long phone calls and the checking in on one another. It gives your bf the wrong impression of your intentions, it shakes your confidence in your decision and ultimately I find it creates more pain for both of you (even though your intention is to lessen the pain by staying in contact).

    Exiting a relationship and blocking him out takes an incredible amount of willpower.
    Time heals all but at first it’s like the most guilty and worst feeling in the world.
    Obviously you have this community but ask your friends and family for support and help before you do it.
    If you fall into the “there’s no one else for me” trap then get active on a dating site.
    Delete boyfriend from whatsapp so you’re not tempted to text.
    Coffee after three months ideal as the emotion is gone and you can both objectively find closure.

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