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Am i unhappy w myself or the rs

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #121997
    summerain
    Participant

    Hi all,

    this is my first time posting here and would appreciate all the opinions i would receive.

    I have been together w my bf for 5 years now and sometimes our rs is quite strained. We have broken up once (it was mutual) but he decided to try again bcos he said he just couldnt imagine a life wo me. This happened 3 months ago. We broke up bcos we were bickering quite often and we decided that maybe we just weren’t compatible.

    He is a great guy, loyal to me and would nvr do anything to cheat on me. However, he isnt the most caring. He just doesnt know how to show his love i guess. Bcos of this, i am always doubting his love for me bcos im the opposite from him. I do a lot for him and i just feel that it isnt reciprocated by him sometimes. He isnt much of a texter either. And this makes me anxious. I have told him about this, he tries and then weeks later, just falls back to the same pattern. He does call me everynight, which i appreciate but I feel that i need more contact (just a text or two — i think this is quite reasonable).

    One other thing which bothers me is his online habits. I snooped a few times (i know i shouldnt be doing this.. and i am regretful of it)
    He is always searching and looking (on facebook and instagram) at my ex-bestfriend’s profile. And this makes me a tad bitter. I am unsure why he does this? she is attached though. i cannot help but keep thinking that maybe he likes her. sigh. and he searches for a lot of girl’s nudes. this makes me insecure too.. and abit cringy.. am i wrong to feel this way? (our sex life is great so i dont understand why i feel this way)

    i have been feeling unhappy lately. i am unsure if it’s due to my insecurities or if it’s because i am overall unsatisfied with the rs. i understand i should first be happy with myself before i can be happy in a rs. but from how he is behaving, i cannot help but feel that he is being uncaring and neglected by him.

    #122008
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Summerain:

    You checked and now you know that he often checks on your ex best friend’s profile and that he looks on line at girls’ nude photos. Why don’t you let him know that you checked and ask him what motivates him to do these two things?

    You wrote that he isn’t the most caring. How is he caring toward you (not the most caring, you wrote, but somewhat caring…)? How does he express his love for you?

    anita

    #122019
    summerain
    Participant

    Hello Anita.

    I cannot let him know that I checked because I snooped on his phone before and he flipped out. As i am typing this out, i realise that i should stop doing this because nothing good comes of it.
    About his online habits, I guess i have to try to understand that it is a guy thing. That they will always indulge in such stuff. He has never searched for anything like that when i am around.

    Some examples of how i feel he shows his concern:
    -He gives me massages once in a while when I am tired from work (although not so much now..)
    -He always listens to me when i request him to do things (for example, when he is playing games late into the night and i tell him to stop and come to bed w me, he will). however, when i do this, i feel like i am controlling him and i dont really like it. I feel that he should make the effort to make time with me at his own freewill
    -He calls me everynight before i sleep
    -He is respectful of me and he remains level headed even when we fight and is careful not say hurtful things to me even when we argue

    Can you advise me how to express to him that I need him to show more concern towards me without coming off as needy? He did mention before that he sometimes feel like he doesnt know how to keep me happy. He feels that he has done everything he can but I am still unhappy.

    #122021
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi summerain,

    It sounds to me that the relationship has grown a bit stale. Even on his end if he’s indulging a presumed crush on your ex-BFF. I wonder how he reacted when you said, “Oh, we’re not friends anymore”.

    With my DH he knows the password on my computer and vice versa because we have nothing to hide (after 20 years things like passwords are unspoken secrets/common knowledge LOL). How would he react if you asked him that? Seeing what your partner does online is like reading their diary or being the thought police though. You almost can’t get mad at their true feelings and thoughts. But if we’re hiding that part of ourselves we are also saying our partner is not safe on an emotional/psychic level.

    Your BF is what he is. Yes, he can change, but he is one of those who revert back to their original nature (most do). You have to cast him loose or accept him.

    Best,

    Inky

    #122049
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Summerain:

    Of the things you listed, I like: “He is respectful of me and he remains level headed even when we fight and is careful not say hurtful things to me even when we argue” the most (although I don’t like that you fight).

    I think he has a point when he told you that ” he has done everything he can but I am still unhappy.” You feel uncomfortable requesting him to come to bed, for example. You want him to stop playing computer games and come to bed on his own, without you telling him. But it is not reasonable on your part to expect that because he cannot read your mind (and shouldn’t try). He can’t tell that you are thinking: “It is now time for him to stop playing.”

    And he may be carried away with the game and needs your help to stop playing. So give him that help..?

    When you requested that he texts you twice a day or so, you expected him to remember and continue to do what you requested without fail forever. But he doesn’t like texting and is not in the habit of texting. So he tried hard and managed to text you twice a day or so for two weeks. Then he went back to his old habit. Habits are hard to change. Be patient with him.

    anita

    #122075
    summerain
    Participant

    Thank you for the insight, @Inky.

    Yes, I agree that the spark in our RS is no longer there. And true, I cannot get mad at him for what I saw online but it is eating away at me slowly. Because of his unattentive nature, I feel uncared for. Like he would rather spend his time online looking at other girls than giving me attention. I also do not want to come off as needy so I don’t want to be repeatedly nagging at him for what he is not doing enough.

    Would you elaborate more on this please? ‘But if we’re hiding that part of ourselves we are also saying our partner is not safe on an emotional/psychic level.’

    I do feel like he is a totally different person behind me, after seeing his history..

    #122077
    summerain
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    I have told him so many times before and he knows it too. I just feel that he isn’t putting enough effort into trying. Although he feels otherwise..

    So each time I try to tell him something which I need him to do, it just comes off as resentful because in my head, I tell myself that this is something which he knows he has to do but isnt doing it. So for example, if I tell him to stop playing, it doesn’t come from a loving place (me wanting to spend time with him), but rather, me getting angry because he doesnt know when to stop playing.

    #122080
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear summerain:

    How about the two of you agree on bed time, let’s say 9PM. Have an alarm clock by his computer set to 9PM? If you didn’t agree on a particular time, then the plan is missing a vital ingredient: time.

    You wrote that each time you tell him to stop playing you feel resentful because you think that he is aware that he should stop but chooses not to. Maybe your thought is incorrect: maybe he is not aware that he should stop, is carried away with the game. In that case, you are less likely to feel resentful at him.

    Maybe he is aware. Maybe he is not. Ask him: when you play at night, as the night progresses, are you aware (at a specific time) that you should stop, that we talked about it and that you agreed to stop?

    Listen to his answer, and take it from there.

    anita

    #122137
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again!

    To elaborate on emotional/psychic safety:

    We each have many different aspects of ourselves. And sometimes they conflict with each other! Big time.

    So your BF might be a player in one aspect of his personality. But his active role is to be in a monogamous relationship. But he can’t play the field when he’s with you, but that drive is still there. So what does he do? Look at other people online.

    This is akin to housewives buying romance novels in the drug store. Totally harmless UNLESS they are desperately unhappy. But if they hide the romance novels when their husbands walk in that tells me that that husband is not safe to be around emotionally if he makes a big deal out of it. Now, a sensitive DH might discern there is a problem and ask the wife, “Am I enough for you? Are you happy?”

    View the online stuff as a symptom of a problem, not the problem. But it sounds like you have your own problems with him other than that. Which to me are the real problems.

    Inky

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