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An Advice Please

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  • #77222
    UnknownAnne
    Participant

    Hello everybody,
    Im anne, and my problem is, im afraid to start a relationship.
    I keep pushing the guys who want to get close to me.
    And start to anxious, should i trust it or try to give in or not.

    the problem start with this,
    I’ve been love the this guy for 7 years, i know maybe it just a puppy love, but because of that im afraid of relationship.
    He is my friends, at first just admire him,but the feeling was growing bigger.
    He always cancel a date with me, and he ask a “girl” going out with him in my birthday, when he knows that i like him.
    I gives all my concern to him, all of my friends oppose me to like him, but i take the risk.
    In the end… sadly he choose another girl, and leave me behind, i only crying for two weeks and now completely move on (maybe, some ppl say that im not).

    And now i’ve been single quite a long time, 7-8 years. i am afraid to start relationship, cause i dont want to feel that hurt feeling again, and i dont want to exhausted myself again for hoping and asking for love. My families (cousin, and aunty) experiences divorce, my sister experience bad relationship, her ex is shout at her, bad mouthing bout her. My cousin broke up after 7 years of relationship. My friends sister is get harassment from her ex. And thats why i keep telling myself not giving hope to high, and not easily give my love to someone. i put a huge wall in front of me, and keep ppl out of my feeling, im afraid, totally afraid “what if i become like them”.
    Is it right for me to put the huge wall in front of me to see how brave enough to knock the down? or what should i do? i really need your advice. thank you for reading this.

    -UnknownAnne

    #77224
    El
    Participant

    I know how that feels..

    All I can say is that you can’t base other peoples relationships and your own past relationships on something new. Yes, it will always bring some form of hurt. But from what you have learned through witnessing and experiencing things will teach you how to be stronger when the next obstacle comes your way. Think of it this way, do you want to be alone forever? Risk taking is a part of life. You got this!

    #77245
    UnknownAnne
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice. im learning how my past and others things will make me stronger. Maybe i just isnt ready for a new relationship, i must make my mind and clearly think that my past is something good experience. Well i hope i can give it a try!

    #77298
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear unknownanne:
    THe answer, the advice you need is in your name: UNKNOWN Anne. The advice is: get to know Anne. Let someone else get to know Anne. In the context of psychotherapy with a good therapist perhaps?

    The walls you have around you- to keep people and to keep yourself from feeling again the hurt of being alive, of trying to love and be loved- obviously the hurt you felt made you so scared- you don’t want to feel that hurt again…

    Only you are hurting anyway, even with those walls. Those walls do not do a great job at making you happy enough, do they?

    In the context of a good enough relationship, therapy… break a tiny bit of the wall… a bit at a time. But you cannot do it alone. I would say you need a supporting relationship to do this that you need. But you need a reliable person to be in a relationship with. Which is a tough one because you are so afraid. So, I am coming back a full circle to good psychotherapy.

    Hope this is helpful.
    anita

    #77362
    UnknownAnne
    Participant

    To my dear Anita,
    Thank you for your kind words,
    i also thinking to consult a therapist, but i dont know if i really need that, my head is just full of doubt.
    i fear of not being good enough, doubt people, and not easily be friends with ppl.
    i am an ambivert person, i like to go to adventure,
    but in the same time i dont like to be surrounded by new ppl around, makes me tired.

    And can i get your another advice?
    why do the boys started to back off as soon as i said
    “to fast for me to take another level, i need more time”
    and
    “it maybe hard for me to fall in love again”.

    Am i the problem in here? because of how i tell them??

    Thanks, i hope you reply it.

    #77363
    UnknownAnne
    Participant

    to be truth. the wall is make me crazy, and yes make me sad.
    i want to try it, but… back again. should i? and can i?
    I dont know.

    #77368
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear unknownanne:
    You wrote: “i also thinking to consult a therapist, but i dont know if i really need that…i fear of not being good enough, doubt people, and not easily be friends with ppl.” I believe you do need a good therapist because what you stated in the same sentence, fearing you are not good enough, that is distrusting yourself and people. If you don’t trust yourself to know who is trustworthy and who is not- over time- obviously you can’t tell who is to be trusted and who is not. Please do look for a good therapist. A therapist you can trust. So you interview therapists and carefully choose one that you think may be trustworthy. There is alot to learn about yourself, to make anne KNOWN to herself. Before you can figure out other people… guys, figure yourself.
    Take care:
    anita

    #77372
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Anne,

    I agree with everything the previous posters have said.

    First, learn to love yourself. If you can understand yourself, then you will not “need” to get anything out of a relationship. This will take a lot of the fear out of it, and in the end, only you can provide for your emotional needs anyway.

    Then, understand that the past does not predict the future. Relationships are tricky, but if you keep the communication open and aren’t acting out of the fear of losing the other person, it won’t be as scary. Relationships are about learning about yourself through your interactions, about sharing your adventures with someone else, and about learning to understand all of humanity a little better.

    Bethany
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

    #77423
    UnknownAnne
    Participant

    To Anita and Bethany.

    Thanks for your support until now, i’ve been thinking hard lately and wondering enough.
    And i’ll think to try to consult a therapist, i just need the one that seem trusted.
    I think im ready for the new start!
    I just get enough of this situation, and i’ll try to get all the positive vibe from my past.
    Hope i can change for the better start!
    Also i dont want to rush in any relationship, i will wait and take it easy.
    I believe if i change to a better person, my life become full of colors!

    I feel like get struck by something inside me, that think
    “f*ck of about it, i dont care anymore bout that. This is me and so what”
    Human make mistake and i am also human.

    Thanks for being here and give an advice for me! I feel much more better! <3 <3

    #77426
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear unknownanne:
    You are welcome! I do hope you look for and find a therapist who seems and proves to be trustworthy and competent, good enough (although he or she will not be perfect. I do believe that if you heal you will see more and morecolors. You probably tried many times before to help yourself. Please don’t give up on yourself. I tried so many, many times and got nowhere- until I did.

    Hope to read from you again, anytime. Would love to read about who Anne is (It is your name…?)

    Take Care:
    anita

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