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Beating body dysmorphic disorder

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  • #94755
    BellyButton
    Participant

    I feel ugly most days and constantly compare myself to others. I have recently been diagnosed with BDD and I am having a hard time overcoming this issue in my life. I check the mirror constantly and never am I fully satisfied with how I look. I have been trying to ween myself off makeup and stop checking the mirror as much but it has been a hard process. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you overcome your struggle with appearance. I wish I could think about other things and grow as a person. It has been really hard for me to make friends and have a good relationship.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by BellyButton.
    #94798
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi BellyButton,

    The truth is no one thinks about other people hardly at all. They are 99% of the time thinking about how they look themselves, what they have to do, where they have to go and who they have to see. Only if something is truly “off” (i.e. you have lettuce in your teeth) will they think of you. Or if you dress up beyond what everyone else is wearing.

    But they won’t remember you for how you look. They’ll only remember you for how you make them feel! There are models no one cares about but they will care about the plain Jane who cares about them!

    I’ve thrown out my scale. I’m not saying you should throw out your mirror, but have your hair and makeup be a routine, not an obsession. Same thing with food and clothes.

    Looking good is so other people feel comfortable. But we are not here to decorate anyone’s world. We are here to do important things. And that is what you will be remembered for.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #94811
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Bellybutton,

    I definitely felt that way a few years ago. I must have been about 14-17. I cared way too much about my appearance and I was never quite happy with it. I hated my body. I thought I was a few pounds overweight, that my arms were to hairy, that my hair was ugly, etc.

    I tried to bleach my arm hair, but wasn’t happy with that, so I started shaving my arms. Then I couldn’t stop shaving them because well, they would start feeling prickly. I felt that as a girl I shouldn’t have sideburns, well, I got obsessed about that and started shaving them off. I got so obsessive about it that I then started plucking the little hairs when they started growing in. I was so obsessed about the issue with my sideburns that I started plucking them in class!! That was freshmen year in high school.

    I wore a lot of eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara. I always used vibrant colors. What weened my off of make up was that 1) it was such a hassle to take it off at the end of the day 2) a lot of people told me I looked a lot better without make up 3) I came to realize that using such bold colors did not suit me and probably made me look like a clown 4) I realized how other girls who used a lot of make up looked very ill when they didn’t wear any, and quite frankly I didn’t want that to happen to me.

    Over the course of 4 years I slowly stopped wearing make up. First I started by letting go of the eye shadow, then the foundation, etc. I didn’t give myself a time line. I just did what I thought I was ready for. After I graduated high school I took a year off, and I believe that really gave me the time to start feeling good about my body and appearance. I stopped shaving my arms, let my sideburns grow out, and stopped wearing make up for the most part. I still wear eye liner and mascara and lipstick, but it’s once in a blue moon. Lipsticks though I do wear about once a week or so. I find that I am much more confident and comfortable with myself now. It wasn’t so much the break from school that helped me, but rather that I took the time to accept myself as I am.

    I used to care what others thought about me, but then I came to the realization that it’s my body, and the only person I have to please is myself. I wasn’t put on this planet to please others. It does take a while to become comfortable in your skin, but once you do, it’s the best thing.

    Sure, I’m still self conscious about my body at times, I think the pores on my face are huge, that my eyebrows need to get waxed again, etc. But I believe that we all struggle with those sorts of things on a regular basis.

    Just think that other people are probably self-conscious about their appearance as well. And you want to know what? Chances are that what others are worried about, you don’t perceive as an issue, it is hardly noticeable. Just like what you think is an issue on your body, others more likely than not, do not notice it.

    You have a long road ahead of you, but it’s a great thing that you are moving a step in the right direction. Don’t rush yourself. Only do what you feel you are ready to do. Take baby steps, and as you start wearing less make up, you’ll see that others hardly notice or care.

    #94830
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear BellyButton:

    I do have this problem with the mirror… I don’t like looking at me in the mirror, so I don’t, except when there is a good reason. I like it that my eyes are positioned in such a place that I don’t see my face, except the edge of my nose. I used to be very critical of my face as I age but then I remember I was critical of my face and body when I was young, very young as well. Recently, when I look at my face and body in the mirror, I look at myself with empathy- that makes a big difference. Still.. I am not fond of mirrors, not the real physical mirrors.

    anita

    #94835
    Dina
    Participant

    Everyone has something to be proud of physically. You may like the way your eyebrows are thick (this happens to be my biggest shame – i pull out my eyebrows from anxiety so I hate the way they look).

    You might like the length of your fingers, how soft your skin is, the color of your eyes, your smile, your teeth, the shape of your nails.

    Find something about you that you admire. Start there. Try to focus on positive things you feel about yourself, because I am willing to bet there is at least one thing about you that you will like if you give yourself a chance to see it 🙂

    #94856
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi Bellybutton

    I can’t tell you how much this post resonated with me. I have felt this way on and off my whole life but recently it’s be worse than ever. I compare myself to everyone I meet and am always putting myself down and telling myself that everyone else is so much prettier than me. I know that it’s not all about looks but I still can’t help myself. Growing up I’ve always been told that I’m attractive and that if I go for a job interview I’ll definitely get the job because I’m a “pretty girl” which hasn’t helped as it’s obviously instilled in me that looks are important. I am also a perfectionist and want to be the best that I can be in everything. Also my dad walked out on us when I was young so I think it also has something to do with that initial rejection. I haven’t had a boyfriend for 4 years because I feel I need to love myself first before anyone else can. But at the rate in going I feel like this will never happen! Social media doesn’t help either so I have recently deleted my Facebook, instagram and twitter. I’m hoping this will help with the whole comparison thing. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to give you any advice like everyone else here has but I also know it can be a comfort to hear someone else is going through the same thing, you are not alone. Xx

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Lucy.
    #95044
    Rachel
    Participant

    Wow, does this post resonate with me!! I recently was diagnosed as having an eating disorder. I’ve carried it around with me for years, living in denial and never realized how much it was devastating me. The big realization through having an ED is that I also suffer from body dysmorphic disorder. It’s been a large part of my therapy conversations and I’ve learned a few good tricks that are really helping me to overcome it. I thought I’d share in case they could help you too.

    A mantra that my therapist taught me that I repeat to myself when I’m having a particularly bad day is “The body is for doing not viewing.” It reminds me to pay attention to all the wonderful things my body can do – and that it’s about so much more than how it looks.

    Another realization I’ve had is that I compare myself WAY too much to other people. My whole life, it’s been my only way to know whether I’m good (i.e., I’m better than that person so I must be doing good) or bad (i.e, she is skinnier than me, I need to go on a diet). My therapist brought up the damage this was doing and said “There’s no such thing as perfection. There is always going to be someone better than you, so if that’s your measuring stick, how will you ever be good enough??” That really hit me. I realized I could spend my whole life trying to reach an unattainable goal and hating myself the whole time for “failing” or I could just let go. Every time I find myself comparing now, I interrupt the thought and say one positive thing about myself instead. It’s a loooong road, but every journey starts with one step. And, even a baby step counts as the first step 🙂

    #95096
    Peter Strong
    Participant

    Self-hatred, shame and similar core emotions are not uncommon and usually result from childhood, being raised by parents who criticize and disapprove relentlessly. This leaves a deep emotional scar – a core emotion – that then leads to all kinds of emotional, cognitive and behavioral reactivity, including bulimia, BDD, addiction and depression.

    The mindfulness path does provide a way forward. Basically, and this is what I teach my online clients over and over again, you must change your relationship to those core emotions themselves by developing your True Self. No matter how unpleasant the emotions are, there is always a bigger aspect of your Self that can become aware of those emotions and that can respond with compassion to those core emotions. This is what must happen: to form a caring and conscious relationship between your True Self and the Little Self that is the core emotions. Learn to care for your shame or self-hatred just as you would care for an animal in pain.

    This process of building an internal relationship based on conscious love with your emotions is the practice of Mindfulness Meditation and is what I teach in great detail. It works extremely well for overcoming anxiety and the intense emotional reactivity that underlies BDD, food addictions and other addictions. So, learn to meditate on the emotions themselves. Cultivate love, not hatred towards those very emotions. This is what brings about transformation and healing better than any other approach I know of.

    Peter Strong
    Boulder Center for Online Mindfulness Therapy

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