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'Best' friends – too much pressure?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #125019
    Profile photo of Kate
    Kate
    Participant

    I moved in with my best friend last year. I obviously had people saying watch out because moving in with a friend can break the friendship. Our friendship isn’t broken. I love my best friend to bits, but I’m feeling like I’m starting to dislike her even though nothing big has happened. I’ve found her a bit difficult to live with and so has my other housemate because she does annoying things etc. When I go away on holiday I sometimes even feel a bit unenthusiastic about going back home because I don’t feel drawn to being around her anymore. I think there is maybe resentment or even some jealousy because she is intensely trying to be close with a new group of friends. She’s just quite intense and tiring in general!

    What I have just thought is that maybe the label of ‘best’ friend puts pressure onto me/us to feel a certain way, to do certain things, to meet certain ‘standards’. It also seems strange to me now that I’m looking at it this way that we rank our friends! We are unique individuals with unique relationships. Maybe if I let go of this pressure to be a certain way with her? Let the friendship be free?

    I don’t know how to let go of being irritated with her in general though..!

    #125021
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kate123:

    It is a good idea to let go of a label that doesn’t serve you, like “best friends” – better not have any pressure at all to feel any certain way. Recently you’ve been irritated with her. Like any feeling you experience, let it be and try to see what the message behind the feeling-

    How is she offensive to you, specifically?

    anita

    #125058
    Profile photo of Kate
    Kate
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Anita. She is not offensive really. I just see flaws that I struggle to get past. They are flaws that I really dislike even though they are not particularly serious or harmful. Things like blatant disregard for being on time/ keeping communication with someone (but really badly!) – which I find quite disrespectful to not think how it messes people around. Then something like being forcefully persuasive by talking for so long that they convince you you’re wrong and justify whatever they’ve done.

    If I reflect on my own life and personality I know that the irritation comes from being the polar opposite in certain ways – that I’m quite obsessive over being reliable for example, and also how I prefer to be more passive and avoid arguments at all costs!

    But then I’m aware of her insecurities and perhaps where these traits/behaviours come from. I know that I need to be forgiving and focus on the positive traits but it is much easier said than done! I guess this is part of my journey to showing more loving kindness…

    #125059
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kate:

    Part of what you described about her is offensive behavior, you wrote yourself she is being disrespectful and it messes people around-that is offensive. Also offensive is talking for too long trying to convince others that they are wrong (without being open to otherwise or engaging in a two-way conversation). So it is understandable to me that you will be irritated (a measure of anger).

    The fact that you are passive and avoid argument at all costs- that is not a healthy behavior on your part, most likely to harm you while allowing others (like her) to get their way, at your expense.

    I would say, will be good for you to become assertive, and at the same time, reject people in your life that are aggressive. Assertive means you respect yourself and others; aggressive means you disrespect others.

    In your first two lines you wrote: “She is not offensive really… They are flaws… not particularly serious or harmful”- there are degrees of offensive- she may not physically harm you or others, but showing disrespect does harm others.

    anita

    #125080
    Profile photo of Kate
    Kate
    Participant

    Yes I agree, Anita. I think I misunderstood the definition of offensive! You are right. It does stem from anger, which I think is best to just let go and forgive for now. I am working on speaking my mind more and being honest with people when I have an issue with them. It’s tricky though… but I’ll get there 🙂

    I’m just trying to remind myself during this time that I’m away – and also for when I’m back actually – of how wonderful and worth loving she is, and how golden her heart is and to feel grateful for her supporting me in ways far beyond what I could have expected any friend to do.

    #125082
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kate:

    Best to speak your mind, absolutely, and do not accept disrespectful behavior from anyone, no matter how wonderful they are, sometimes, or often. Practice being assertive every chance you get, it will be difficult at first, but will get better. The benefits to you will be great.

    anita

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