March 13, 2017 at 12:05 pm #139279
For those who have read my posts this past year, I’ve had a rough year. Breakup, severe family issues, weight gain, obsession, yadda yadda.
The way it all manifested was through an obsession with my weight. I gained a few lbs. As soon as I saw the scale get a little high (and by a little high, I mean like 2-5 lbs more than what I wanted to see), it has been an obsession over the last 8 months for me to lose it. The funny part is, I only ended up gaining 10 more.
I finally came to a conclusion last week that clearly, dieting and obsessively thinking about losing weight is just keeping me from losing it. I stopped counting calories. I stopped exercising. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, now my mind is going “so what do I think about with all this free time?”
I came to realize that the obsession with my weight loss was just something to occupy my mind. From the ages of 16 to 23, I’ve been in serious relationships. It was either the boyfriend, or the fleeting times of being single during the break ups or off-and-on-again periods, that were always keeping my mind occupied and busy.
The weight gain started about 3-4 months after the break up. That sweet spot when you’re over the heaviest parts of grieving and settling into your life. The “rawness” of life after intense grief is lifting. Depression started to sink in. As soon as I saw that scale hit a number I wasn’t too fond of (mind you, ONE pound over my “heaviest” point), it became a fixation. It became a goal, a mission. I have to lose these few lbs and “win” the break up. I can’t be the one who gained weight after being dumped. And when my family issues started to get bad, it became a distraction. The one thing I could control. Things were slow at work? Find every article on the internet about weight loss diets and exercise.
So now, I’m realizing that maybe self love and self care should be my new “obsession”. I didn’t realize how much of myself I wasn’t in touch with until I realized where this weight obsession was stemming from. How over such a long period of time, I’d always had a relationship to fill all those little day-to-day gaps most people experience. I never was forced to fill them with myself, self love or self care, because I always had that buffer of a relationship.
I guess I’m just typing this to get it all out, and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. I’ve been so hard on myself for the past 8 months dying to lose these 10-15 lbs, and it feels so nice to finally relinquish that control and pressure. I haven’t been gentle with myself in so long. I already feel the pay-off :).March 13, 2017 at 1:29 pm #139299
Hello Tessa, I am fairly new to tiny buddha, but have had some great insight from fellow people in the recent past. I am glad that you are typing out to share – sometimes until we formally share with others, we do not feel we are truly aware of our advancements. I although can not share the same exact details of what I have been struggling with as you – do entirely understand the “self love, be gentle with yourself revelation.” I think it is a true work in progress, especially for women as we tend to be so hard on ourselves and feel we must have it all and do it all (at the same time). I think it took me realizing that taking on “self hatred” and all that pressure usually had the OPPOSITE affect of what I was aiming for. The more pressure the worse the results, and the more pressure, the farther from the goal I would stray (mental or physical). It took me to reaching rock bottom to realize that none of this destructive behavior did anything except drag me down to the point of self despair, misery, and feeling like if i live one more moment like this i will collapse. and I did – I got to a point so bad, there was nothing but turning around.
I can’t say that I am an entirely new person now, but I do find myself stopping myself before getting to the deep depths of guilt and pressure on myself. I realize that I don’t have to fight to the point of true struggle whether that is a true fight, or just an internal struggle with myself. I realize that negativity only breeds more negativity, in your soul, and in your outward aura to others. If in this life we focus on what we don’t have and the negativity of the world, we can only expect to have that in return. Likewise, if we only focus on the negative aspects about ourselves, bodies, minds, or relationships, we will continue to have unhealthy relationships with those factors. I commend you on your realizations!