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Can I change?

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  • #91654
    Shelly
    Participant

    I’ve been divorced for 3 years after a 20 year marriage and have been dating a lovely man for a year.I’ve become a nightmare! I am jealous,possessive and hate sharing my boyfriend. I hate this about myself and for the past few months I have witnessed my boyfriend becoming really low. I know this is happening because he is trying to change to please me! We are also quite different in many ways,especially the social side of things. This has become quite an issue. I feel like I have pushed myself and compromised on this issue but my boyfriend tells me that he knows I feel awkward and uncomfortable around his family and friends,which makes him unable to relax.He also has a daughter,I find that hard too as they are very close,she is his world. I feel disconnected from him when she is around,he tells me that I isolate myself from them when they are together instead of getting involved. I really really don’t want to lose this man and he has finally had enough. I had pushed him away time and time again during our relationship because I just felt I wasn’t right for him,I couldn’t control my jealousy and the social situations were becoming just too much for me to handle. I’ve asked him to consider giving our relationship another go,I feel a more casual thing may suit me at the moment as it has been an intense relationship,that took months for me to adjust to.Can I learn to share him? Shall I just be kind and let him go? It would break my heart!!

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Shelly.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Shelly.
    #91658
    Shelly
    Participant

    My boyfriend is a happy go lucky person,he loves life and people. He has totally embraced my life with my 2 daughters,he has tolerated hassle from my ex boyfriends and been by my side when my daughter was in hospital.He has supported me and wants the best for me. He plays in a band whivh makes me struggle more! Writing this..I think I have to accept he us better off without me!!

    #91665
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Shelly,

    It sounds like your past marriage or history has really done a number on you! I’m guessing you are around my age, which means ~ we know there’s not tons of time left. Not truly. We yearn to only give attention to what is meaningful and what gives us a soul connection.

    When you see your BF with his daughter, friends and family, you are reminded that HE had a meaningful history filled with soul connections. And yours (at least with ex husband) has fallen apart. It takes years to build those, to start from scratch. You feel like you are running out of time, and that you aren’t that close. We all want to matter in TOTALITY to someone.

    Remind yourself every day that you DO matter, that NOTHING is lost, and that everything you do and all the relationships you have are MEANINGFUL. You ARE the Soul Connection!!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #91676
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    I am very familiar with this kind of jealousy and am facing it in my present life… I hate that feeling, that … what is it, that anger, it feels like anger. When my husband gives anything to his family member (not mine), friends, I have felt that he is taking something away from me, that he is endangering us. I get distressed, so very angry, of course I do not enjoy their company as I am in the company I perceive as threat.

    Working on it.

    Can you relate with my description above? If so, please let me know and we can continue to communicate about it, maybe help each other…?

    anita

    #91713
    Shelly
    Participant

    Yeah Inky,thankyou I agree. I do feel that they have a meaningful relationship with my boyfriend that took years to establish. That defo makes me feel disconnected to the situtaion. X

    #91715
    Shelly
    Participant

    Anita
    I was hoping you’d post a reply,I feel you give great advice to people.I feel less alone now and ‘normal’ as you are experiencing similar feelings to me.yes,I too would say I feel anger and threatened,I talk to myself and try desperately to convince myself that I should have no fear.It doesn’t work! Rage sometimes bulids inside me …that is uncontrollable,I just can’t stop that feeling.It is frustrating as I’m fairly sure it will cost me my relationship!
    My husband did cheat and I also feel that I shouldn’t put 100% trust into anyone but my boyfriend gets hurt and upset,he is a very popular person and is constantly on facebook. This makes me annoyed and insecure!
    Any advice would be so appreciated,thankyou x

    #91719
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    As one with LOTS of experience with the feelings you describe, I do have suggestions and I will let you know how taking them myself worked for me, or not:

    First things first: my relationship too was in great danger because of my behaviors. We attended couple therapy. After the first sessions as a couple, I saw the same therapist for the one-to-one therapy that I needed. The first part, the couple therapy, was about the therapist (first good therapist I ever had) put his time and effort into the first action that needed to be done ASAP, stop the bleeding in the relationship, rescue it. So he taught me, us , Interpersonal Skills so that the relationship survives the bleeding (it was bleeding hard). This is what I learned from that part of therapy (make it as short and clear as I can):

    No matter how bad I feel, how hurt, how scared, how distressed, I learned to hold my tongue and NOT dump my emotions on my husband in my desperate need that he will give me the relief I … desperately needed for my distress. This means taking responsibility for my emotions. That is, understanding he didn’t cause my distress and it is not his job to fix it. I learned ways to share my distress with him without making him responsible to take the distress away from me. Sharing it in such a way that he doesn’t feel threatened or blamed or told he is doing something wrong.

    This was very, very difficult for me to do, and it got less difficult years later, thank god. I mean, it was so difficult. Part of me believed that when he was generous to someone else that he was hurting me and it made me angry. So my first reaction was to lash out at him in anger, to argue or protest… and I had to … not do that.

    My therapist told me “Do the opposite”- when feeling hurt (but not his doing), angry, to reach out to him for comfort instead of lashing out in anger. Done it again and again. It is getting easier.

    Once the relationship stopped its massive bleeding (divorce was on its way), I attended the one to one where I got insight into my hurt about how my mother was generous to others and how jealous I was and how possessive I was of her… lots there, but I got the understanding of where that neurological pathway was established, what was fueling my jealously.

    None of it is easy but it is doable. What do you think so far?

    anita

    #91725
    Shelly
    Participant

    Wow,I really get that. I would always burden my boyfriend with what was bothering me because he is so supportive and easy to talk to. I guess I treated him like my best friend but also by doing this he felt I was making it his fault. Makes so much sense.I also expressed to him every detail of every awkward situation so therefore when I made the effort in situations he felt I wasn’t truelly happy,always uncomfortable etc etc. I see now I didn’t need to share EVERY detail with him.
    Can I ask though,Anita, when you are overcome with these feelings of anger how do you diffuse the situation..do you walk away? Pretend all is okay with you ( but wouldn’t your husband tell you aren’t being truthful)?How do you deal with at that exact moment? I hope you get what I mean? Xx

    #91727
    Shelly
    Participant

    Ps Could you give me an example of how you shared your distress without making your husband feel resposible or blamed? I think that would really help me put it into my situation.
    Thankyou xx

    #91729
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    My husband suggested he and I go visit his family for Thanksgiving. I considered it but knew from previous experience how unhappy I was and how unhappy I made him. Everyone suffered, really, so I asked him to go by himself. What a relief for me! I didn’t have to be where I was going to suffer! I felt a bit jealous hearing about what a good time he had (and he did, is the good part)- but I was able to deal with it since he was a few hours away by plane and he couldn’t see my face and my discontent as it naturally registers on my face.

    As to an example of sharing, a real example…yes, I remember, not long ago. I was very uncomfortable sharing it, felt ashamed, that shameful very uncomfortable feeling (my inner voice telling me: you are not nice, anita, to feel this way…shame on you, etc.) Anyway, although I felt that way, my face hot, blushing, maybe, I said to him: “I feel very possessive of you. I feel so uncomfortable whenever you give something to someone else.”

    Previous to that I already shared, again and again, that I feel this way as a result of my experiences in the past, way before I met him. I shared with him previously and repeatedly that what I feel, what we all feel, is an automatic mental event, not of our choosing and it depends on connections between neurons in the brains formed mostly in our formative years.

    I hope this helps. Will be back at the computer in a few hours. Best to you. Post anytime and I will respond!

    anita

    #91734
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thankyou so much for your reply. The example you gave of Thanksgiving is exactly how I would deal with a situation that would suit me but my boyfriend is telling me that because of this we are becoming 2 seperate people. We are becoming disjointed,I see his point but don’t know how to change that. I go to some things but not others,I see this as a compromise but he can see on my face,when I make that effort,that clearly shows I feel awkward and uncomfortable!
    The final straw came over xmas when I made zero effort to spend time with his daughter who had come to visit him! I knew I’d feel left out,jealous,annoyed and they would sit and talk about shared memories that didn’t involve me! He spends so much time with me and my daughters,he was so hurt and angry.He also has a younger daughter who is hoping to start spending weekends with my boyfriend! How will I cope with that? I am so worried as I feel I have no control over my awful behaviour! I want to change so bad but just seem unable to! Xx

    #91752
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    In my situation, my husband does not have minor children. In your case, if you marry him, the minor children will be a part of your life. And they are minor, so if you were to marry him, this is a bigger problem than just your feelings as the children’s well being is very important. They should feel wanted in the home of their father.

    I didn’t think about this before. It just occurred to me. Everything I shared with you still applies, I believe, except there is an extra consideration here. What are you going to do if you marry him…?

    I will be back at the computer tomorrow morning and write more about your last post above. Bed time for me now. Oh, and I hope to read what are your thinking about the possibility of living with him, how will that work with his children?

    anita

    #91785
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    I am back… good morning to you! I re- read a bit of your original post. Your boyfriend then has a daughter… how old? A minor I suppose. Then I re-read the title to your post: “Can I change?”

    My answer: yes you can, over time, with effort, ongoing intention and attention. Your feelings of possessiveness and jealousy, do not make you a bad person. Or a good person. You can’t help what you feel. What you feel is not a matter of choice (If it was so, living would take on a totally different meaning). What you feel automatically is a result of physical things that happen in your brain every time you feel something. Not a matter of choice. Those happenings in the brain, what you feel, most often is a result of childhood events and interactions, like a strong, strong mental habits.

    It may take serious psychotherapy and lots of work for you to change. I have done TONS of work, persistently over five years and as I wrote to you last, I still cringe when my husband is generous to others. Now his children are in their thirties. If he had a child who is still forming, who lived with us on weekends or longer and I cringed, the child would take it very personally.. and there he or she will be forming her own mental habits that will hurt her lifetime.

    My answer, more elaborate, is: yes, you can change, but not fast enough to NOT hurt your boyfriend’s daughter if you are to live with him and if she will be spending time with the two of you. So, I would not move in with him. I would either keep dating him but not move in with him until his daughter is into her adult years or end the relationship with him and date a man who does not have children still… forming.

    It is his responsibility as her father to not introduce her into a home with a woman (live in/ wife) who is jealous of the daughter. That is his responsibility as her father. It is your responsibility as a person to not do the same, move in with him. Both of you are responsible to not hurt the girl.

    I hope you communicate with him about this. Please make it clear to yourself and to him that what you feel does not make you a bad person but you cannot change it quickly or smoothly (consistently) to move in with him for as long as his daughter are at least in her first two decades of life.

    Please do post again….

    anita

    #91814
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thankyou so much Anita for your response.My boyfriend has an 18 year old who lives 2 hours away and a 4 year old. The mum of the 4 year old is very volatile and has only recently allowed him to spend time with his daughter.
    To be honest though,this is all out of my hands now. We mutually broke up after xmas but I have asked him to consider being together on a more casual basis for now. He hasn’t got back to me yet on his decision.
    He has said his daughters come first and he feels tension between me and them.This isn’t good for us.
    My favourite time is us together,just the two of us. My stress arises really quickly when we have to socialise,get together with family,friends etc…he has given up on me I can feel it.x

    #91819
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    Two children, and the youngest is 4 only. I got to say: good job on his part. Like I wrote, it is his responsibility as a father to have a home that welcomes his children. He sure didn’t make good choices with the mothers of his children… too bad.

    There is no reason for you to put yourself in a situation where YOU suffer as well. Seems to me like the break up is a win-win situation. I sure hope you choose a man with no children or at least, no minor children. To simplify, way-simplify my point: I do not like cake with raisins in it. To eat a slice, I have to pick the raisins out. It is time consuming and leaves a mess on the plate. It makes way more sense not to get cake with raisins in it then it is to pick them out after getting the slice… and it make no sense to get on a cake-with-raisins diet either.

    Some difficulties we have, we work on healing, but no reason to make our lives more difficult than has to be.

    Post anytime. I very much appreciate our communication and commonality so far!

    anita

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