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Can't move on/losing myself

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 27 total)
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  • #123739
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Hi all,

    6 weeks ago my life changed dramatically. My bf of 4yrs walked out on me and I never saw that coming. We have had issues but to the point of him leaving and not even a word or explanation other than he was doing this for me as well and that I wasn’t happy with him.

    I know I can’t do much anymore as he has been more than clear he does not want to be with me (I have tried twice to talk and he shut me down both times) so I know I shouldn’t contact him as I won’t get what I want and I must respect the fact he does not want me anymore.
    I am just finding it hard. I thought of myself as a strong person but this has knocked me down. I have a daughter as well that I feel I am failing due to me not being able to function. I feel so broken and though I try hard to see the blessings around me (mainly my healthy beautiful girl) I just can’t help this feeling of loss, of worthless and for being so stupid as to not see what was going on around me and believing a man that he loved me and would never hurt me. 2 days prior he was still telling me how much he loved me.

    I want to stop thinking of him, obsessing over him. I can’t eat, sleep and not able to concentrate at work. I go to sleep and dream of him coming back, of us being together and wake up to feel the loss all over again. I am so scared of never recovering and losing myself on this dark tunnel I feel I am in.

    I am seeing a councillor and have been told this is normal. It just doesn’t feel normal. 6 weeks later and I feel more lost than ever. The thought of him not wanting me, moving on with someone makes me sick to my stomach.

    I guess what I am trying to see from here if this in fact is normal and perhaps I am not going crazy.

    Your input/advice/guidance would mean the world to me right now.

    #123756
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    You are experiencing the pain of separation from this man, of an emotional attachment that was broken. In addition to this pain, you feel a fear that this pain is not normal and you are going crazy.

    My input: this pain you are feeling is not part of a deterioration into madness, insanity, lack of ability to function in life. In another thread, you commented that you experienced improvements already. So, no, you are not at all likely to descend into madness.

    You are hurting. When we hurt a lot, it feels like it will never stop and only will get worse. It only FEELS this way. It is amazing how people throughout history and all over the world, endure such great pain and suffering and yet they survive. Our brain and body is made to survive a whole lot of heartache.

    You will be okay. Remember: it only feels this bad. In reality, it is not that bad.

    Post anytime.

    anita

    #123765
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to reply.

    I did experience some improvements but this all began to feel worse and worse when I realised this person who claimed to love me and wanted to stay with me is gone when my last attempt to talk/fix things was shut down. Once that happened this pain hasn’t stopped. I guess I was holding onto hope he would realise his mistake. I think I still am and as days go by I get worse because it becomes more clear he isn’t coming back.

    I do feel bad sometimes because I know people have endured so much more and yet this feel so overwhelming that I can’t see past it. I beat myself up for not being able to control my sadness, my fears and my wanting him to come back.

    I wish he had been more honest since I don’t believe someone wakes up one day and realises they aren’t in love anymore or they don’t want you. He must’ve been feeling like this for a while and was just waiting for the opportunity. I just have so many questions to answers I will never get it seems.

    #123783
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    If you had answers, it would be easier for you. You didn’t see it coming, you wrote in your original post. He told you that he loved you two days before leaving the relationship. And you are still hoping, and you’ve been hoping since then that he will return to you.

    These two things: not having answers and hoping is keeping you stuck in this emotional turmoil and you “can’t move on” (title of your thread).

    Beating yourself up for feeling what you do is only adding to your turmoil.

    It may be useful for you if you share the issues you had in the relationship (you did mention having issues) for greater insight into the Why of his leaving (the answers you wish you had). What were the issues, difficulties in the relationship, were there arguments, fights, same conflicts coming up again and again?

    anita

    #123794
    Profile photo of RamoneJoseph
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    fazc,

    I know what you’re feeling. I’m doing it too. I lost my GF three weeks ago after she said she needed time to work on her own issues. She told me she loved me even as she was telling me she couldn’t continue our relationship, and has even told me since that she still loves me, but we’re still apart and there’s no way of knowing if she’ll be back… The pain is excruciating at times, and I’ve fallen into much of what you’ve described: loss of motivation, no appetite, feeling like I’m neglecting those around me, obsessing, overthinking, anxiety attacks, etc. etc…. My advice is to let yourself feel like shit! This really hurts and the pain is real!!! So allow yourself to feel bad. You’re going to feel bad because you’ve experienced a loss, and it’s okay to hurt. It’s normal, it’s natural, it would be messed up if you didn’t feel bad about losing your love. The next step, and it’s the one I’m struggling with is to focus and regain control. Right now I find myself consciously controlling my breathing to alleviate panic attacks during the day. I’m teaching myself to meditate and purposely push away my anxiety. I tell myself that I love myself, even though I may not really feel it sometimes. I force myself to the gym, or to do artwork, or to be with friends and family. Right now every day seems to be without purpose, but I’m trying to nibble little pieces of peace out of each new day and hope that the next will be just a little better. Don’t rush yourself, and don’t expect too much too soon. We’re like addicts recovering from this love that we had and it’s a process that sucks so bad, but I know if I can do this, so can you!

    Ramone

    #123830
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The main 2 things that kept coming back was his ex and half way through our relationship he cheated.

    The constant issues with the ex was that she was extremely angry and bitter. She claimed he cheated on her and she kicked him out because of it. He claimed otherwise. I believed this of course until he did it to me however, he still claimed to this day he never cheated on her.
    She swore to him that she would make his life as hard as possible and she kept to her word. Even to the point of using their kids. He allowed her to control him through them. I would get upset because he never stood up to her. It seemed he would just let her and others walk all over him. He would just let it all happen. I guess he finally decided to “stand up for himself and walk out on me”?? … it seems that way.

    I am not perfect by any means. I know my faults and sometimes I would try so hard to be understanding. When the cheating happened he said it was because of how I treated him and because of my insecurities. I put them on him and for about 3 weeks he felt so much pressure and felt things were so “crap” that I pushed him to it. Needless to say my world crumbled. I cried and cried and told him that I would never be able to see him the same way. I saw him as this sweet, quiet gentle soul who would never hurt anyone, specially me who he claimed to love so much. I tried to break it off numerous times but he wouldn’t allow it and would say “it meant nothing and it was not worth breaking up over and that he loved me”. He eventually said that it was him to blame and he was weak and stupid and he shouldn’t have blamed me.

    I tried so hard to move past it but something inside kept telling me that someone that truly loves you wouldn’t hurt you and wouldn’t blame you if they did hurt you. Sometimes these feelings would be so intense that I would ask him about it and he kept assuring me that he loved me and would never ever hurt me again. I guess my insecurities of not being enough for him were made bigger.

    @ramonejospeh, thank you for your advice and i am so sorry you are going through this too. I will try to do what you are suggesting. It is just hard as sometimes I don’t have the will to do anything. Don’t know how I manage to even get out of bed and go to work everyday.
    Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

    #123840
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    I think you may have your answer right here: ” I guess he finally decided to “stand up for himself and walk out on me”?? … it seems that way.”

    From your description he had a very, very difficult time with his ex with whom he shares children (correct?). And then he had a very difficult time with you. You were upset at him for not standing up to his ex, for letting his ex manipulate him through the children. So he had his ex on his case, you on his case, and- if he has a heart- he had his children suffering.

    Something had to give. He had to cut off and remove from his life at least ONE war zone, and he chose the war zone with you. I suppose- or I hope- the reason he cut off the war zone with you and not with the ex, because he wants to be in his children’s lives.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #123854
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    As hard as it is to see it that way, yes you are probably right. Perhaps I should’ve seen it and I guess cutting me off his life was the easiest decision. I never expected or thought he would cut his children or the ex because of his kids. I was the easiest choice.

    #123922
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    As far as choosing what is easier, or feels easier at the moment- this is what people choose most often. As far as his children are concerned, it is his responsibility to choose what is best for his minor children, easy or difficult. So if his choice to end the relationship with you is better for his children, maybe giving him more peace of mind so he can parent them better, then it was the right choice for him to make.

    It is very difficult to have a relationship with a man who has minor children with another woman because it requires the woman to be very, very generous with his children, supporting the man in being the best father he can be, no matter what.

    anita

    #123938
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    I understand this… but it doesn’t take away the pain. I helped him through it all and now feel that if I had been more understandind and less selfish I might not have lost him. Or perhaps my only purpose was to help him through the hardship he was facing when I met him.
    Either way I get hurt and I am left picking up the pieces. I stood by him no matter what and the minute he got an opening he “ran”. I never stopped him from being a good father. I encouraged it. I suggested things he could do but I suppose I didn’t try hard enough and wasn’t looking at the whole picture.

    It hurts so much. Everyday. I can’t breathe sometimes because the pain is so deep.

    Thanks Anita. For taking the time to respond.

    #123944
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    I am sorry you are in pain. I don’t know much about your relationship other than what you shared here. I can’t say that you discouraged him from being a good father. I am saying that the relationship with you added to his existing distress, that is my understanding, and that distress would make him less available to do his job as a father.

    You did your best, you tried your best. I would be incapable myself to be in a relationship with a man with minor children, especially when his ex, the mother of his children, is not a decent person. I simply couldn’t handle the ongoing distress in this context.

    Please accept and respect the magnitude of the difficulty such a relationship entails. As far as I am concerned, it would require a saint to endure the distress being the girlfriend in this situation. And I am not a saint.

    Even though my last post to you made you feel worse (did it?, you still replied to me very graciously. This indicates to me that you are a decent, patient, gracious woman (although not a saint, as I don’t believe it is possible, for a human anyway).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Profile photo of anita anita.
    #123948
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It didn’t make me feel worse than I already do. The little I got when he left was it was my fault. He did this for “me” because I wasn’t happy by the way I spoke to him and that even though he cheated I should’ve moved on by now, so the fact that he had to let go “one of the warzones” it was always going to be me. I was never more important than his children and the ex he was so desperately trying to make peace with. She was relentless and yeah, it got to me because he allowed it all to happen. she was so disrespectful to him in front of his kids and he just let it happen because if he stood up to her she would call the police.

    He was also unhappy at work. Was demoted and made to work days he shouldn’t have to. I told him to leave his job and find another as I worked and I would help support him until he found one (he was even offered a job by someone I knew) but he said he had been there so long it was stable and the money was easy. So that was another war zone which he wasn’t letting go of..

    All in all it seems I was always going to come out the loser. Maybe why I questioned his love for me from time to time and towards the end I was very insecure. I keep getting told that hurting over someone who doesn’t love me and left me the way he did is not worth my tears or pain. All I believe is that I drove him away and the pain I am enduring is my doing for being so selfish and adding pressure to him when I should’ve just supported him… I am so lost and have no idea how to deal with this.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Profile photo of Fazc Fazc.
    #123950
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    I should add that I NEVER wanted to be more important than his children. If I was then that would say a lot about him as a father. He is a wonderful father which I loved about him.

    #123954
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    His cheating on you, by the way, was his responsibility, not yours. You wrote: “All I believe is that I drove him away and the pain I am enduring is my doing for being so selfish and adding pressure to him when I should’ve just supported him…” You are taking responsibility for what is not your responsibility. At the most you are responsible for 50% of what happened in the relationship.

    Your expressions indicate that you are taking way more than 50%, closer to 100%. This is wrong thinking, not true to reality. You are not responsible for him having children with the other woman; you are not responsible for his job experience; you are not responsible for him being distressed. You are not responsible for any of these things. You didn’t create the life he ended up living.

    And you are not a saint, that is, a human being cannot always be supportive of another no matter what. Again, this was a far, far from an ideal relationship situation. It was impossible for you to not feel distress in it. Especially with his cheating!

    When he blamed you for his cheating and for whatever it is he blamed you for, things you were not responsible for, he was wrong doing it. It was harmful to you and untrue.

    Don’t keep his blaming voice in your head, blaming yourself. Do you think you can do that?

    Will be away from the computer for a few hours.

    anita

    #123975
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    I’ve tried but the thoughts and me missing him and wishing I’d handled things better are consuming me. I just never ever thought he’d leave me, specially the way he did. I believed in him, in us and thought since we’d been through so much together that we’d get through anything.

    He has gone and not looked back. Not a single call, text or attempt to contact me. Nothing. I find sometimes waking up thinking it’s all a nightmare and that he’ll come back. I just don’t know what to do. How does one let go of someone you loved so deeply and not be consumed by this pain which at most times is unbearable??

    I am so broken inside.

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