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Can't move on/losing myself

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)
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  • #123979
    Profile photo of Sophie
    Sophie
    Participant

    Hey

    Just want to say I feel your pain, I’m going through the same thing and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop myself from trying to force it when I know deep down it’s crashing around me and he has had enough, waiting for me to break it off so he doesn’t have to. I’ve been trying for 2 months and can’t stop my thoughts no matter how hard I try. If you ever need someone to listen I’m here.

    #123985
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Hi snowy29,

    I’m sorry you’re hurting too.
    So you’re still with him even though you feel he doesn’t want to be with you? Is that what you mean?

    I packed up my things and my daughter and drove for over 3hrs until we found a little hotel to stay near a beach. Being New Years I just couldn’t bare the thought of staying at home. I needed to go somewhere that I’ve never been to so I could breathe. Only here until New Year’s Day but I’m so happy I did it. I feel a little bit lighter. A bit more calm.

    I get scared that I won’t recover from this. That he has broken me to the point of no return. But I fight those thoughts. My girl needs her mum strong and happy or I won’t be any good to her. She’s my reason to keep going.

    I’m here for you too Snowy29. Thank you.

    #123991
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    In your last note to me you asked: “How does one let go of someone you loved so deeply and not be consumed by this pain which at most times is unbearable??”

    My answer to you: you let go of your ex boyfriend by letting go of the false beliefs you had about who he is and what the relationship was. You “can’t move on” (in title of your thread) because you are stuck in false believing, and you are “losing yourself” (also in title) inside that false believing.

    You falsely believed (had the false or wrong belief) that he will never leave you. That the relationship will continue for the rest of your life, no matter what. You are grieving the loss of this delusion, the SAFETY and promise in this delusion.

    May the new year be one of clarity of thinking and correct believing, that is, seeing people and situations as they are instead of how we wished they were. Take responsibility for you and your daughter, not for other people’s lives and choices.

    anita

    #123998
    Profile photo of RamoneJoseph
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Fazc and Snowy,

    You have both been helpful in proving something I know now from trying to deal with my own recent break up. This type of thing happens all the time and everywhere! I felt amazing Wednesday night when she messaged me out of the blue and we texted back and forth for a couple of hours. Nothing was said about our relationship and it felt really good at first, but by the end of the evening it just felt like I was in the friend zone and she was easing her conscience for hurting me… No contact at all yesterday, and it made me feel quite miserable until last night. I’m slowly experiencing bouts of clarity though, where I realize that these one sided feelings are senseless and will lead me absolutely nowhere. I feel stronger then and can actually function for a little bit. We can’t just expect an over night recovery, time will truly heal us. Nothing is impossible, and I still hope everyday that she’ll be back, but I’m also slowly realizing and preparing myself for the possibility that she won’t. I love her, and I’ll wait for her, but I’m making it my decision because it would make me happy, and it will ultimately fall to me to decide when enough is enough. I wish you both the best in weathering your heartache. You’re not alone…

    Ramone

    #124033
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    @anita, thank you. Though as hard as it is you’re right. I just see no end to this heartache. I keep wanting this painful feelings gone but the more I fight it the more they hang around. I have to let him go or I know I’ll be stuck feeling like this. Stop thinking about why he didn’t love me, why he didn’t stay, why I wasn’t enough… all the “why’s”… I don’t know how to stop beating up myself up and stop feeling that I lost him. I didn’t do enough to make him want to stay and love me.

    @ramonejoseph, You’re situation is very similar aside from her contacting you. Mine has never done so and won’t. I don’t know what’s worse though.. as long as you’re happy with what you decide is the main thing I guess. I hope I get to that point where I can stop thinking and find peace with it all. I’m sorry I can’t offer any more to you. I’m so lost myself.

    #124040
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazcL

    I do hope you stop fighting the painful feelings and endure the pain so that it goes through you and out. Let him go and choose for your next boyfriend a man who does not have children- that will prevent a lot of trouble in your life!

    anita

    #124057
    Profile photo of Bernadette
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Fazc
    Big hugs to you, I’ve been there too in a similar situation 3 yrs ago with my ex, he had a minor with is ex wife, I also supported him thru a lot of lifes challenges, I was with him for 5 yrs he made a choice to walk out on the relationship in 2014.
    It was very hard for me even thou he was not the perfect guy, we had so much ups and downs and he use to blame me for a lot of our problems. It took me quite Sometime for the hurt and pain to stop. Eventually I accepted we will never get back together and that it was for the best. I have maintained no contact, I have tried to move on, it’s not been easy when you have been so use to someone in your life, trust me you will get there. It hurts a lot, you will get nightmares and your time together will keep playing on your mind. Please accept all this, don’t blot it out, it’s the normal process. I went off my food, cried all day, missed him so much.
    I must admit I still miss him, but not the person he was, I miss the person I was dreaming he would be, the man who would fight for me for our relationship like I did, but he wasn’t, He choose the easy way, he always promised he would never hurt me, he did, but he’s human too.
    My advise is just let your feelings flow, do what makes you feel comfortable, don’t try to blot out your pain,let it flow and it will pass.
    I did meet someone eventually and it didn’t work out, we broke up 3 wks ago, I feel fine as I’ve learnt to take things as it comes. I spending the holidays on my own, taking myself out and enjoying my own company. Trust me it gets worse before you feel better.
    I wish you a happy new year and we are all here to support you..
    Kadija
    X

    #124069
    Profile photo of Lostbutlearning
    Lostbutlearning
    Participant

    You said it yourself you beat yourself up!! what you are feeling in completely normal and 6 weeks to grieve a 4 year relationship honey it takes a lot longer trust me. Be kinder to yourself, you have to firstly accept deep down that he aint coming back which is what we all hold onto when someone leaves us, that tiny glimmer of hopes that keeps us going.

    Try to force yourself to think of all your qualities, spend time with friends and people who make you smile, or even redecorating, getting a new hair do. It doesn’t take away the pain but it gives you something new to focus on. I find going to the gym really helps me mentally and of course your appearance benefits massively, people notice a change and that makes you feel good.

    Its so hard letting go of your life which he has been, but as we all no life does carry on and everything happens for a reason, you wont see it now but what’s waiting in your future could be so much more amazing and something that you didn’t even know existed.

    Just remember be kind to yourself your do amazing and CERTAINLY not going mad 😉 xxxxx

    #124196
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Happy New Year to all.

    I broke no contact last night (nye). I felt there was so much I needed to tell him and that we could honestly sit down and talk about what he needed and what I needed and can work through it. He said he needed time to think about it as there are other things he needs to consider now.
    So now I am waiting and stressed and scared because though he didn’t say no on the spot, he didn’t say yes and it’s been a day now. I am expecting the worst.

    I know this was my own doing and they say it’s best to NC for a reason. I just felt I needed to try to see if there is a chance. I am glad I did it but I am also not glad since now i have put myself in a bad, stressful position.

    @bernadette @ Kirstyleigh thank you both for taking the time to write encouraging words to me. I feel a little disappointed in myself for not being strong enough and perhaps not reading your comments before i called him. I know what ever happens is meant to but I am so so scared now. Scared because if I get the answer I don’t want I don’t know how I will handle it.

    #124210
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    Remember, you are responsible for your choices, not for his choices. Remember, you are responsible for your participation in this relationship, your behavior in it, not his. As long as you take responsibility for his, feeling guilty, your view is distorted and behavior will be ineffective.

    Happy New Year, Make this year a better year for you!

    anita

    #124258
    Profile photo of Fazc
    Fazc
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you. I will tell myself that every time I start to feel any bad feelings. In the end I didn’t give up. I tried until the very end. It’s been 2 days since I spoke to him and now that I replay the conversation in my head I realise he left the relationship a long time ago. It was like the person I spoke to wasn’t the man I loved. It’s like he is gone. The man I loved and wanted is gone. The man i spoke to wasn’t him. So in a way I am more glad now I called. I know it’ll be hard. I have a lot of work to do, but I will. I must. I can’t be defined by his choice to leave me. I can’t believe I am not worthy because HE thinks that. I must believe I deserve love. Deserve a good person. I must believe this.

    I haven’t heard from him but I will not wait. I know he won’t come back. HE knows too. He just didn’t have the decency or courage to tell me right then on the phone, why I’ll never know.. he could’ve just told me then and there and not leave me wondering. I need to find my inner strength somehow.

    Again, thanks Anita for your words, hard or not they help.

    #124287
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fazc:

    You are welcome. As you give up on him, engage in the process it takes for you to believe that you are worthy and you do deserve love.

    anita

Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)

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