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cant stop thinking about my ex lover who is clearly happy with someone else

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Poetry Poetry 4 months ago.

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #123247
    Profile photo of Kelsey Neighbors
    Kelsey Neighbors
    Participant

    About 2 months ago I started seeing “Eric”.

    He immediately made vegetarian dinners for me and introduced me to his brother and best friends. Eric and I would go on long walks and talk about beliefs and life itself. He would always tell me how “attracted” to my energy he is…

    after a month of hanging out I went home to virginia to visit family.
    I came back and eric wanted nothing to do with me. he would rarely contact me and we only saw eachother once to exchange shirts…

    I got dumped over a phone call.. eric told me I “scare him”, that he really likes me but he just doesnt have time for a relationship right now.

    I accepted this and have moved forward…
    We live in a small town in montana and the other day I saw him holding hands with a woman getting on the bus I was trying to get off of.
    It hurt. It made me feel like I wasnt good enough for him. I see him constantly at work and it really hurts my heart.

    why did he lie to me?
    why am i never good enough?

    i am feeling low and could use some kind words.
    help?

    #123251
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kdizzle:

    Again, congratulations for cutting contact with your mother.

    Having read your last two threads about the pattern of men being into you for a short time and then withdrawing, since it is a pattern, it needs to be looked at. This guy you wrote about said that you scared him. Any idea about what he meant by it? The reason/s for men withdrawing?

    You asked for kind words, what do you mean by “kind words”?

    anita

    #123253
    Profile photo of Kelsey Neighbors
    Kelsey Neighbors
    Participant

    thank you Anita ! I feel so much better about that situation, or when I think of family in general. Lots of growth is on the way and I am ready for all of it.

    I’m not sure how I scared him… I remember everything going really well. I know I had a lot going on at the time after I got home from Virginia. I could tell I was acting a bit off, thinking about my step fathers sexual abuse with me… I did end up telling him about him… and instead of supporting me, he bailed. I guess that is what scared him?

    #123254
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kdizzle:

    Could be. Could have asked him if that scared him…? What about other men before him, the pattern you mentioned: did you share with them the sexual abuse as well? Any explanation to their withdrawal after being very interested at first?

    anita

    #123258
    Profile photo of Kelsey Neighbors
    Kelsey Neighbors
    Participant

    Honestly… no. Ive wondered this since I started dating when I was 18.

    I have finally been open about my sexual abuse by my step father this year.. I kept it to myself up until this point. I’m not sure what could’ve driven the others away.

    #123259
    Profile photo of Kelsey Neighbors
    Kelsey Neighbors
    Participant

    I feel as if the universe is either saving someone special for me, or I just need to work on myself more and figure out what it is i’m doing to repel all relationship growth… maybe both?

    #123261
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kdizzle:

    I don’t believe in the universe as a kind of super entity that has a special man for you in mind, and while waiting for just the right time you meet him, it sees to it that other men will be repelled by you.

    I think different guys had different reasons, or the same, I don’t know. Can’t see anything repellent in that photo of the very pretty young woman, not at all repellent.

    So let’s look at possibilities for guys being into you for a short while and then losing all interest and moving away:

    better you can come up with such, if you’d like.

    If you have the men’s contact information, you could ask them. Better get the information than guess or look up to a magical entity for its mysterious reasoning.

    anita

    #123266
    Profile photo of Kelsey Neighbors
    Kelsey Neighbors
    Participant

    I asked a couple of them and if they reply, i will let you know. I appreciate you Anita. You are a light in this world and you have honestly been so supportive in my life lately. Thank you so much.

    #123276
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kdizzle:

    Do let me know. I am curious. But more importantly, such information (if honest) can be very helpful to you! And you are very welcome. Thank you for your kind words. Please do post anytime.

    anita

    #123296
    Profile photo of Bethany Rosselit
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Kdizzle,

    Yes, repeating patterns are usually a sign that something needs to be looked at. I used to be really drawn to people (as friends) who completely gushed over me at first. In my case, I was seeking validation from them, since I was unable to extend it to myself. But people gush because they want us to be a certain way, and when they see that we are human, that can lead to problems.

    I second Anita’s suggestion to be curious. Ask open-ended questions. In fact, look back at the questions that Anita used with you, and ask similar ones in your conversations. She asked, “What do you mean when you say ___________?,” which is a question that I teach my coaching clients to use, actually. When you use it, using the other person’s exact words, it helps them to clarify and reflect on their reasons for saying what they do, and it helps you to better understand what they are saying and why. Our minds love to try and read between the lines, but this is simply making assumptions.

    So be curious, and keep us posted!

    Bethany
    http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info

    #123318
    Profile photo of Kelsey Neighbors
    Kelsey Neighbors
    Participant

    So I have attempted to contact my past two lovers in search of an initial reason of why they lost interest in me…
    The texts were mature and I believe I got my point across well.
    The two lovers have both yet to respond…

    #123335
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kdizzle:

    Good job asking for the information. I hope they reply. If you think back, maybe you will remember something either one said that can be a clue as to a reason? You can come up with a few possibilities..?

    anita

    #123358
    Profile photo of Inky
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi kdizzle,

    Maybe you reveal too much of yourself too soon. Sometimes when we feel a connection with someone we are so open and that they go “Whoa!” inside but are too polite to say anything. Perhaps reveal 1% of you for each time you see them? Not, say, 80% or even the deepest 1%. Without meeting you I am only guessing what is really going on. I could be wrong!

    And yes, I am one of those sentimental saps who believe there is your perfect match out there, dare a say a soul mate. Or many perfect matches who you have yet to find!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #123532
    Profile photo of Poetry
    Poetry
    Participant

    Hi Kelsey,

    I totally feel you and understand you!
    Even though I’m several years older than you, I just had a similar experience with a guy. He acted like he’s into me, said romantic things, and basically led me on…even though I told him I’ve been hurt in the past and that I’m fearful of starting something new.

    Yet when I asked him a couple months in what he sees us going toward and how he truly feels about us, he said he can’t have a real relationship right now or be with anyone properly while he’s finishing up school and that he’s not good with long-term relationships.

    The lesson is that guys can be very misleading and act in selfish ways and lie, just like girls can. There are guys that fall hard in the beginning, then just lose interest for whatever reason. It’s most likely nothing to do with you.

    Also there are guys who want the perks of having a girl in their lives temporarily without putting in the commitment or effort.
    I guess beware of guys that want to move too fast, because often times they’re just getting caught up in the moment and not getting to know you properly first in order to develop true feelings for you.

    And if a guy is scared off by you revealing your history of sexual abuse, then GOOD RIDDANCE! A guy who’s not mature enough to handle such emotional issues or provide you with the support you need is not someone who will be healthy to have in your life. You need a guy who will be caring, supportive, and glad that you trusted him enough to tell him something so painful about you. And when you find that guy you will know by the way he reacts and responds to you revealing yourself.

    Wait for a guy who is worthy! See if you find him good enough first before giving him the power over the relationship. See if he can talk openly about feelings and concerns.

    You sound like a self-aware, thoughtful, and loving person with a lot to give. Value yourself and know that you’re worth being treated right.

    And yes, I also need to follow my own advice, haha 🙂

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