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Caregiving and Emotional Abuse

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  • #30478
    Katherine Mayfield
    Participant

    Over the seven-year period that I was the primary caregiver for my elderly parents, it seemed that they could do nothing but criticize me, no matter how hard I tried to please them.  I experienced emotional abuse at their hands for most of my life, but I hoped that when they came near to the end of their lives, all the care I was giving them would be appreciated.

    They were wonderful people to everyone else, but very critical and negative with me (and I think, only me).  Has anyone else who is caregiving experienced this?

    #178425
    Rachel
    Participant

    Dear Katherine,

    I know how much pain you are feeling.  I lost my mom when I was ten, and my dad raised me and my sister alone.  He was very angry- especially towards me.  I knew he didn’t like me.  I think I reminded him of my mom (who he didn’t like).  To make a long story short, I moved to the area to be near him and took a job.  When he was sick, I was there.  when he was diagnosed with cancer, I moved back into his house.  He yelled at me everyday.  I thought that one day he would show that he loved me and was proud of me.  That day never came.  He was so nice to others when they visited and when he was in the hospital.  My heart was broken when he died.  It still hurts.  But I’ve learned to forgive him.  He was sick and didn’t feel well.  When he was young, he was overwhelmed with being a single parent and working too much.  I really don’t know if he ever like me, but I have   told myself to move on.  It is still a struggle.  Don’t blame yourself.  You did your best to be a good daughter , and that is what is important.  You have that to be proud of, and you should be proud.  You did the right thing.

    Best wishes,

    Rachel

     

    #178485
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Katherine,

    I have had a similar problem with my Mum. The only difference is she is still with us.
    It’s hard for me to type this all out, but for a long time my Mum has been critical, not just to me, but my Dad as well & sometimes others, but mainly us because we all live together (I started a post a while ago in relation to this which you may find helpful reading others comments).

    What I found is that.. hurt people hurt people. That’s how patterns get passed on, generation after generation. I learnt to meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness, grimaces with smiles, to forgive & forget about finding fault as love is the weapon of the future. I’m not sure about you but every time my Mum criticizes me or is negative towards me I used to react to this – so she would say “why are you doing that??” & I’d be like ” because….” & get angry at her for even questioning me, this would then lead on to an exchange of words & nothing would get solved. When I realised that she was actually a ‘hurt person’ I tried to look at her criticisms with sympathy & compassion & soon I actually felt sorry for her ‘poor you, you’re hurting so much you don’t even realise it’ then I went in to ‘people saving mode’ thinking I could save her, I can help her, I can make her see her ways. Never worked, never does, you can’t change people, only your response or yourself. So now, when this arises, I simply keep my cool, nod & agree or even just listen most of the time, or I’ve walked away.. I’ve managed to get the nack of just brushing it off. I then went through a stage where I would feel bad for this, like I wasn’t good enough in my attempts to make her happy. Like I wasn’t enough as her daughter.

    Growing up, did you ever feel like you weren’t enough? Has this moved forward into your adult life, that you feel that her jibes were aimed directly at you? Because to be fair, they probably weren’t.
    Basically, I think what I’m getting at is you never know what happens behind closed doors in peoples lives & how they deal differently with different things, & unfortunately sometimes we & others can become a bit of an emotional body bag. My Nan & Grandad passed away (Mums Mum & Dad) & this is when my Mums criticism started, all her unresolved hurt & grief was expressed through negativity & unfortunately I was one of those who were the punch bag. But rather than think – ‘must be me, must be my fault’, I’d think ‘poor you for suffering so much’.

    You should check out the book “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, it may help you better understand. Also, if this becomes too much for you, in terms of unresolved questions & feelings, it may be worth looking into seeing a Counsellor 🙂

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