February 23, 2016 at 11:01 am #96908
I’m a 27-year-old female. I have four close friends. One is married with a baby, the second is engaged, the third is in a four-year-long relationship and living with her boyfriend, and the fourth is in a one-year-long relationship.
I’m single and recently got out of a short-term “relationship.” I use the term “relationship” loosely because I don’t feel this person particularly cared about me or saw a future with me.
I’m having issues accepting the possibility of a future where I’ll always be single. I honestly feel the cards are stacked against me right now. I would very much like to experience falling in love with someone, gaining a companion who is one of my best friends, traveling together, creating a home together, and maybe even starting a family together. Because of my recent break-up, I’m working with a counselor and taking some time to love and focus on myself.
I’m just haunted by this fear that I’ll never get to experience what my close friends are experiencing. It seems like an incredibly far reach after many years of unsuccessful relationships. I feel discouraged. I feel that IF I actually find someone (which could literally be years or even decades from now because these things seem to take a substantial amount of time)… I won’t be able to have children anymore. On americanpregnancy.org it says challenges with conceiving start around age 35. That’s 7 and a half years from where I am right now. This feels like a short amount of time when you factor in 1) The time it’ll take to “love” and be content with myself 2) The time it’ll take to venture back into the dating world 3) The constant misses and incompatibilities while dating 4) Finally finding a compatible person but then not rushing things 5) Planning a wedding 6) ETC…
How do I come to terms with this? It’s honestly becoming a stark reality that this IS a possibility. Could I be 100% fulfilled and happy without another person to love and grow old together with? Please help me wrap my mind around accepting this.
February 23, 2016 at 11:26 am #96912
- This topic was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by dreaming715.
I have many frens who fell in love at 29 and were mothers at 32. When things fall in place, they just fall in place. Something that has not worked out in 10 years can happen in 2-3 years or even less…hang in there darling…enjoy life as it comes…you are trying to plan life to the T with an assumption that if this plan happens like this, you will be happier.
Love….February 23, 2016 at 12:19 pm #96922
Awe, dreaming715, I know how bad you feel looking around at all your friends, watching them live the life you crave. It’s a hard thing to do IF you let it be hard. But don’t! Don’t put your life on a strict timeline either. MANY women are having babies over the age of 35, so don’t hold that age as an “end all” if pregnancy doesn’t happen by then.
Honestly, I would kill to be a single, childless 27 year old. Instead of looking all around you and looking at the things you don’t have, stop and try to appreciate the things you do. You have the freedom to do want you want, when you want, sleep when you want, travel when you want, etc. Carpe diem! Go find new hobbies, make new friends, go on new adventures with or without someone else. Embrace your solitude right now. Once you have kids, all that goes away. Appreciate it now.
On one hand, I totally get where you’re coming from about finding love. I am 38 and feel exactly the way you do. But on another, I think of how lucky you are to still be so young. You have plenty of time to find yourself AND love. Don’t rush it. Continue working with a therapist. Your life will unfold as it’s meant to be, so don’t rush things. This ain’t the 1800s where you die in your 30s. You have PLENTY of time to accomplish what you want. Start approaching life like that instead of acting like if you don’t have a, b, c, or d by the time your X, then your life is over. It’s not!February 23, 2016 at 2:43 pm #96940
I just had this conversation with a friend of mine at his business Saturday evening who’s happily married, that I had accepted and okay if don’t end up with anybody. He laughed and said ” When you say, that’s when you find someone. ” He may be right and he may be wrong. As far you’re concerned, I feel this could be true for you also. When we give up on love/partnership, that’s when it sneaks up on his again. Whether it’s with a past lover or a new lover, who knows. I’m my 30’s too and I will say that if you ever decide to have a baby in your 40’s, you still can. A surrogate can carry your baby and give birth to it. If you already haven’t, try opening up your heart a little more day by day to the possibility of having a loving partner. Open up your flow petals one by one, each day at a time. No rush but allow love and allow people to love you for what they see in you, in your soul. You may not see what others see because sometimes we’re not suppose to but at times our souls just naturally connect with others.
It will be ok, go out there into the world when you are ready with your head held high and loving heart and just live.
Things will fall into place when we are ready to experience the world.
I have to get back to work now but I hope this finds you well. sending lots of love, positivity and light.
M.February 24, 2016 at 12:13 am #97029
Sorry about all the typos – Auto-correct unfortunately gets the best of me sometimes.
When we give up on love/partnership, that’s when it sneaks up on us again.
Open up your flower petals one by one, each day at a time.
It will be ok, go out there into the world when you are ready with your head held high and loving heart and just live.February 24, 2016 at 1:41 am #97031
I used to be a lot like you. I would get very annoyed at myself as to why i was incapable of finding someone, actually anyone. But you cannot control who you meet or in our case…who we don’t meet. I guess in life there is not ‘one’ person for everyone, i believe that love is truly all about timing. I don’t think destiny or fate have as much to do with it as we like to believe. I think at the end of the day some of us are just in the ‘right time’.
I’m just haunted by this fear that I’ll never get to experience what my close friends are experiencing
Same here, My mate has a girlfriend and been together a couple of months, he met her at med school. My mate is a lot like goofy, so it surprised me (although i’m truly happy for him) that he was able to meet someone. I went out for dinner with two female colleagues and their partners…and it was incredibly awkward watching two couples stroking each others hair touching each others legs. And then get the question; “why are you still single?”. But you know what, i’m still not afraid to end up alone. Personally, i don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake that i’m feeling lonely. Simply put, i don’t need to be in a relationship just to validate that there’s nothing wrong with me. Sometimes i think we get confused by wanting to be involved with someone and wanting a relationship.
This feels like a short amount of time when you factor in 1) The time it’ll take to “love” and be content with myself 2) The time it’ll take to venture back into the dating world 3) The constant misses and incompatibilities while dating 4) Finally finding a compatible person but then not rushing things 5) Planning a wedding 6) ETC…
You got it all planned out, huh? 😉 You are much like myself. I planned that by 25 (i’m 24 now) i would have a girlfriend (steady relationship) and was living away from home, possibly renting. None of that has come true. And i got really down on myself a couple of years ago, because it was apparently my fault that i was incapable of finding love, incapable of meeting that person that would bring fulfillment. But i realized there are only so many things you can control, for instance; your current appearance, your exposure to the opposite sex and your own happiness. You however cannot control someone else’s feelings (i mean you can, but that’s just manipulation!), you cannot control where your life or experiences will take you.
Could I be 100% fulfilled and happy without another person to love and grow old together with?
I’m not having a go at you, that’s the last thing i want to do. But you’re putting a lot of stock behind some fellow bringing that much’happiness’, which isn’t right. This future fellow has a huge burden on his shoulders before you have even met him. What i mean, is that my understanding is that in a relationship the partners are a team and they bring certain feelings, emotions and experiences to the table. But they shouldn’t be expected to bring everything. Instead of looking for that ‘happiness’ in others, you have to learn to create your own. I’m not saying you should be content, but you certainly don’t have to spend your time thinking about what if’s that are out of your control. I am aware that you are a woman and as a man i will never know what it’s like to fall pregnant let only only have a short window to do so. I just feel, from experience that you’re now putting pressure on yourself to be happy. Being happy is a choice not a chore. Finding love should be a choice not a chore. And what is to say that being with someone will make you happy?
Don’t measure your happiness against ‘happy’ couples, remember the grass is always greener on the other side. I know, like myself you will always yearn for what you don’t have. But just focus on what you do have, focus on your health, career, prospects etc.
I hope this has helped, but this is not to say to give up hope. You should just be aware that life doesn’t end because you haven’t met that special someone, it should be just another chapter in you book called life.
MattyFebruary 24, 2016 at 10:36 am #97046
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. You all offered a different and helpful perspective.
My takeaway while reading is that:
1) I have to let go of control in areas where I don’t have control. We don’t have 100% control of our futures. We can’t even guarantee tomorrow. I would like to “give it to the universe” and just let things unfold as they’re meant to.
2) When I change my perspective and look at my situation differently, it’s actually kind of nice to not have someone to answer to (a significant other), not be 100% responsible for another person’s life (a child), and to not have all of the extras that come along with being part of a typical married couple (a home owner with a mortgage, house maintenance, etc…). I have a lot of freedom right now.
3) Is not finding my “soulmate” or “best friend” (if that even exists) really the WORST thing that can happen in life? When you really think about it: no. There are worse things that could happen, such as: getting into a horrific accident, becoming permanently disabled, being diagnosed with an incurable disease, losing your immediate family members, etc…
So, I’ll try to focus more on what I DO have, open my heart to what is possible, and just let things unfold as they’re supposed to. I personally do believe everything happens for a reason.February 14, 2017 at 5:33 am #127529
Im in my fifties, in very bad health, covered in severe psoriasis, and have debilitating OCD. I CANNOT get a man, because men can’t deal with all my difficulties; so far they run a mile. I would be happy to grow old on my own if I didn’t have serious health issues, but its incredibly hard on your own with my problems. This article does not allow for people who are old with health issues…. ! 🙁February 14, 2017 at 7:39 am #127539
* Dear owlfeather: severe psoriasis and debilitating OCD are tough to live with. I don’t know what “article” you were referring to in your post. Would you like to start your own thread? If so, click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY, click your chosen category, scroll down the page, and type there. Hope to read from you.
anitaFebruary 14, 2017 at 7:51 am #127545
I haven’t read others comments as I don’t want them to impact my response to you – so I apologise if I repeat anything already said.
I’ve felt in this position on occasion, but realise it’s all about me and how I feel about myself.
Do you fully love yourself? Do you fully accept yourself? Do you see yourself as a good person? Can you live without someone? (at the moment I’m not sure you can) what makes you need/want someone now? Have you done everything you want to do, alone?
I’m not wanting a relationship at the moment, so I may be in a different head space than you – however, I have been continuously working on my self because I’ve noticed I answered ‘no’ to most of the above questions and until I can answer yes to most of those questions I cannot find true, pure love.
You cannot compare yourself to people around you.
Friend number 1 has this, friend number 2 has this etc etc… you just shouldn’t compare yourself to others, everyone has and wants different things in different stages of their life. How do you also know that behind closer doors Friend 1 isn’t unhappy in her relationship, Friend 2 didn’t want kids at this age etc – because these are generally things people may not share.
There is no age or limit as and when to complete something by, and you certainly don’t need a relationship to feel whole, regardless of what other people say. I’m not sure I want children, does that make me any less of a woman?
If I have missed the point somewhere, it all seems down to self love, self appreciation, self confidence and self worth. When you are what I like to call ‘full/whole’ it will come and it will be wonderful – believe in this. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim with an attitude that you’re never going to find it. Do you think people that have achieved great accomplishments just so happened to land these things in their lap? No, they worked for them and failed in the process, before succeeding. ( https://www.wanderlustworker.com/12-famous-people-who-failed-before-succeeding/ – (I haven’t referred to ‘famous’ people for any reason – just putting showing achievemensts some can make but becoming famous isn’t something you need to be to obtain true happiness etc)
Once you take this area of your life away and focus on other things, yourself, your career, what YOU want to do, where YOU want to go, you will meet someone unexpectedly, but you will be whole and full in yourself because you’ve spent the time on yourself to become your best self and you won’t accept any bad or negative behaviours from people.
I have been in 3 different relationships for the past 10 years with the same type of man, it’s taken me 10 years to realise this, so please know I’m not just spilling you some crap. I am not in a relationship at the moment, nor do I want to be, but I know that when I want it and when I am whole it will come to me when I’m not expecting it. Try not to put to much on your shoulders. I haven’t read it yet, but I’ve just brought a book called Self Compassion by Kristin Neff – check it out!
While you struggle day-in and day-out towards the fulfillment of your hopes and your dreams, know this: “If there is no struggle there is no progress.”February 14, 2017 at 11:27 am #127603
Hi There Dreaming…
There have been LOTS of great responses here already, and I echo what others have said. In order to truly experience love from another, you must love YOURSELF first and realize that happiness comes from within.
Sometimes this is a hard concept to grasp with so many external sources basically telling us that we are a “nobody” until we find “somebody.” Why not make that person YOURSELF?!?! It’s important to have a strong relationship with yourself so that you are clear on what works for you in or out of a relationship. This will also help you establish boundaries rather than settle for less than ideal treatment just for the sake of not being alone.
As I read your post, I observed a lot of negative self talk. It appears that a lot of energy has been put into “what if’s”. You’re already considering what will happen 7 years from now (incidentally, Halle Berry gave birth at 47 and Janet Jackson gave birth at 50) rather than focusing on the here and now.
It is vitally important that no one else can make you happy, and spending so much time focusing on “THEM” is detrimental to your well being.
I encourage you to take some time to consider why you feel that being single is so bad, and why being single now equals being single forever (quite a huge leap in extremes).
Today is a day for celebrating love. Start with you! Take YOURSELF out and don’t worry about what your friends are doing. Find something that makes YOU feel good and celebrate your own personal awesomeness.
The only thing you have to come to terms with is that YOU ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW!!!!! Embrace it!
…and trust me, several of the married with children folks, though “happy”, may be thinking about how incredibly fortunate you are to have “YOU” time.
What needs to happen will happen when it’s supposed to happen. Breathe and go with the flow. You’re not even 30 yet. You have time….February 23, 2017 at 9:45 pm #129147
I completely agree with Solie when she says not to put your life on a time line it creates a lot more fear, worry and stress for nothing. You do not realize how young 27 years old is, a lot of people these days get married and have kids in their 30’s. As one person commented above we are not in the 1800’s anymore and people have a much longer life expectancy. You have your whole life still ahead of you. And I know how you feel because I was the last of my friends to find the right man and to get married. I know how painful, lonely and sometimes hopeless it could feel. But I always had that intuition inside of me telling that I would find someone and I did I met him at 30 years old and married him 2 years later. We have been together for 8 years now and married for 6 and are still in our “honeymoon” phase.
I can tell you that all that wait,loneliness and pain was worth it because I found the RIGHT person for me who treats me like a queen and who loves me unconditionally I have trouble realizing sometimes how much he loves me I almost cannot grasp it. We have such a strong marriage together we get through anything and everything together because that is how strong our love is for each other.
Everyone’s life is different but I think that when you are ready and if you stay positive and keep hope it will happen sooner than you think. It is better to take your time to find a good person than to rush and possibly end up in a bad marriage with someone who does not treat you well. Even in a marriage filled with love, support and understanding, life is still hard and filled with obstacles…But having the right person by your side makes it that much easier and having the wrong person makes everything worst and that much harder. Especially if you want kids as much as they bring joy into your life it can also be challenging and trying and makes having a good relationship and marriage even more important.March 3, 2017 at 4:12 pm #135403
Time is on your side!! 27 is such a great age and men in their late 20s/early 30s begin to mature and think about settling down more. One of my good friends is 30 and she just got engaged to a man she’d been dating exactly a year (he proposed on their 1-year anniversary). A year ago she spent Valentine’s Day alone and was feeling exactly like you are, and now she’s engaged! Anything can happen in a year.
Also, 35 is such an arbitrary cut off for having kids! My mom was 42 when she gave birth to me. Some women in their 20s find out they are infertile. And you can always adopt if you find out you can’t have children! Don’t worry so much over something you have no control over and which is so far down the road.
TO answer your original question – YES it is possible to live a happy, fulfilled life as a single woman. Do you know any women who have stayed single and child-free by choice? Try to get out and meet some. Life is not bleak if you stay single.March 6, 2017 at 3:50 pm #136261
Dreaming715 hi man I totally get you .im a 28 year old male and it’s kinda funny because I feel exactly what you feel as I speak .I as well haven’t had much fortune on finding my other half and I just see everyone around me with there partners and just makes me think why can’t I not have a soul mate .I was in a long term relation for several years until one year she decided to throw in the towel begged and begged for couple of years to work it out but never had .then few weeks ago I had started to talk to another girl n well I didn’t want to be in a relationship bc being scare to get hurt again well it still happened .she got mad at me for no reason and we stopped talking or texting and couple days later she said she decided to move on and that another guy had texted her n she wanted to see where that went I opened up too her but she didn’t say much.she then text me but then started to ignore me once again n it really hurt me bc I thought she was really liking me as I was.and I just want find someone to be happy with and maybe have a family I just can’t seem to find someone I don’t know what I’m doing wrong .any one with advise I’ll greatly appreciate itMarch 11, 2017 at 1:23 pm #139017
I’m 54 and have been married three times, and each time a big reason I got married was because…more than anything…I didn’t want to be alone. So, I forced things. I ignored issues that should have sent me running away in the opposite direction. And, here I am, all this time later, single again and realizing that if I’d simply been patient and not convinced myself things were right when they weren’t I may not have so much wreckage behind me.
So, the advice I gave to myself…and which I humbly offer to you…is to avoid, as much as you can, any strong urge you may have to force-fit a relationship into your life that you know, deep down may very well not be good, simply so that you won’t be alone any more. I didn’t find the resulting pain and heartache worth it in the end.
Currently, rather than trying hard to go out and consciously/deliberately (dating sites, etc.) find someone, I’m trying out a completely new strategy for me: letting life/the universe bring someone into contact with me. I can’t guarantee that will work for me, but I know trying to control things definitely didn’t work for me, so I need SOME new approach, that’s for sure.