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Confusion Of The Heart

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  • #55081
    Adam Sparks
    Participant

    Well, I have a question Who knows, maybe this turns into a few. I just kinda need to talk about something and I don’t have any friends who would understand.

    I’m a 22 year old male. Recently, I started being emotionally and sexually attracted to a guy I haven’t even known for a year yet. People have known since I was 16 that I’m homosexual(I find the term “Gay” to be slightly offensive and very lazy. Growing up in a Christian City where everyone hates “Gay” people and constantly call people “Gay” as an insult; can do that someone. Way too many redneck pricks and they’re all teaching their kids exactly how to be douchebags.) so, coming out isn’t the problem. I’m glad I am who I am. My problem is, this Chris, the guy I care about, lives in New York. I live in Kentucky. He’s the sweetest, cutest guy I’ve ever known. I met him through an old friend of mine who now lives in New York. I love her so much for introducing me to Chris. The problem is, I don’t want a long-distance relationship. For one, it can easily put a lot of strain on the relationship between me and Chris. Long-distance relationships never end well. Two, I know he could find someone who lived near him if he tried. I don’t want to hold him back. I don’t want him to feel like he has to keep secrets from me if he ever did find someone he liked, I don’t want him to feel like I’m holding him back from being with someone who lives there.

    I know for a fact that I won’t find anyone for a long time if not him. I really don’t know how to meet new people. It just feels like no matter what, I’ve got some kind of cross to bare.

    And honestly, I’d be perfectly fine with how things are… Except the fact that I keep trying to tell him that I love him. I keep wanting to kiss him and sometimes I just start flirting with him without realizing it.(Which I’m lucky he can’t tell if someone is flirting or not. He’s slow to catch on to that stuff.)

    But, I guess what I’m asking is not “How do I get over him”, only “Can I make this situation easier”. I don’t want to get over him. I love that I feel the way I do about him. But if I can’t help this situation, I’m afraid something bad might happen. If something happens, I want to know it’s something good. He means too much to me for me to take any chance at ruining this.

    I mean, he’s the only guy I know who’s like me. Neither of us have had a first kiss, we’re both virgins.. Neither of us have ever had the chance to cuddle up with someone special. I get all fuzzy just thinking about him.. Any advice will be appreciated. But just saying it helps some.

    #55164
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Adam Sparks!

    I read your post yesterday and found myself responding to it in an interesting way 🙂 At first, I found it hard to relate, because of the superficial differences. I don’t know what it’s like to be a young man in love with another young man. So my brain wasn’t able to find any useful information from my own past to fit your situation. This ended up being a good thing, because I wasn’t able to project my own fears and past hurts onto you. I read your post and just felt this joy reading how much love you have for this man. He really seems to be very precious to you, and I find that to be very precious in itself.

    The “bad stuff” that may happen in relationships is usually the result of our fears of bad stuff happening. We panic and try to control the situation. You already know that you can not control the love that you feel. You also acknowledge that he is far away and might want company locally, and you’ve accepted that, not wanting to control him. Perhaps the next step is to acknowledge that you are powerless in front of this great love, and that it’s OK. If you were in total control of the situation, your feelings and him, it wouldn’t be the same anymore. Romantic love needs a bit of uncertainty in order to exist. Knowing that the other person is free, yet still decides to share themselves with you is really quite wonderful.

    Cherish the feeling that you have and cherish him. Don’t let the fears take over and kill the feelings that you have.

    I also want to thank you for sharing a bit of your life, because reading your post made me understand myself a bit better and I actually feel butterflies in my own stomach because of how you describe your love for him. Love really is so very wonderful and thrilling.

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