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Connection

This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #123429
    Profile photo of theunderground
    theunderground
    Participant

    I have had difficulty connectioning with my long term boyfriends younger sister. We are of similar age (I am 25 and she is 23) although we led fairly different lives. She is this amazing, radiant being who connects with people she has only just met. My boyfriend considers my brother to be one of is best friends. It is beautiful watching them connect and it makes me eager to have that with his sister.
    The issue for me is I struggle to connect with myself often and feel like that is a barrrier that I am creating for being able to bond with people. I don’t think she likes me to be honest and although I try not to focus on it’s at the forefront of my minds sometimes. The is no reason for her to though, so I see that as an irritational thought.
    I am going to start the journey of self connection but I am nervous how long it will take me and worried I am never get there.

    #123435
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear theunderground:

    Regarding your boyfriend’s sister who “connects with people she has only just met”- not likely to be deep connections, as those take time to develop. Certain people have social skills that make people feel comfortable with them right away; on the other hand, same socially skilled people will not be liked by others for being too forward, too… happy.

    Your journey of self connection, as you put it, can you write more about what you mean by “self connection”?

    anita

    #123499
    Profile photo of theunderground
    theunderground
    Participant

    Thank you for the quick response, Anita. I agree that those connections are likely superficial in nature.

    In regards to the lack of self-connection I talked about, I am finding it difficult to feel connected to myself / connected to who I truly am and what I stand for. It feels sometimes as though I am very indecisive and can be easily swindled by other peoples comments/ideas – as if I do not have a mind of my own. I do fear rejection, and fear hurting peoples feelings if I set a limit with them or say what I really want. After looking into this further, I am beginning to think that I struggle with setting boundaries and don’t know where to even begin.

    I hope this makes sense… I am a bit confused about it all myself.

    #123515
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear theunderground:

    Seems to me you are too afraid to be the authentic YOU.

    When you fear too much being rejected, thoughts badly of, criticized etc., then your focus is to prevent these things. Your priority is not to be true to you, but to protect yourself from danger.

    This Self Connection you are after is about relaxing those fears and allowing you to come out of hiding, or (using your username) … come up from your underground prison.

    As a child, you started your young life with healthy boundaries. Maybe a parent acted hurt, offended when you exhibited a boundary, asserted yourself, so you felt like a bad daughter. Can it be?

    anita

    #123635
    Profile photo of theunderground
    theunderground
    Participant

    Wow.. thank you for this message. You honestly hit the nail on the head with a lot of things. My mother had a traumatic upbringing and when I set boundaries with her she gets really upset and angry. It’s an emotional roller coaster with her at times. I think I will look for a book on boundaries setting… see how I can change my actions. Thank you!

    #123641
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear theunderground:

    No wonder you have difficulty setting boundaries and being assertive- your mother punished you for doing those things (anger displayed at you is punishment, a negative consequence that you suffered). Better than a book, if you can arrange for it, would be competent psychotherapy. A book is a step n the right direction. You are welcome and do post anytime.

    anita

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