Hi Jennifer,

People could say this is horrible advice, and you may not go for it ethics wise, but…

What if you happened to date a wealthy-ish person who likes to travel? Or a slightly older, semi-retired one?

Or became a paid traveling companion of a very cool, very hip old lady? Or ask your friends if they have any friends/family with a house in France or wherever you’re going LOL? (You’d be surprised!)

You are clearly not a gold digger, you just want to travel and not have to worry about money.  I’m sorry, but it IS expensive to travel!

I’m sure you’ve looked into Air BnB, time shares, etc. Go on one trip a year. Significant travel.. split it up. No need to spend more than three weeks anywhere IMO.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Inky.

Dear Jennifer:

Glad you are back with a second thread.

You wrote above: “my deepest desires are to travel and be carefree”

And then: “I frequently say I’ll go (travel) when I do ‘xyz’ first.”

That “xyz” is not about x, y and z. It is about anxiety that aches to be resolved.

The Thinking Brain is looking for a cognitive solution to the problem: anxiety. “xyz” is one set of solution. The solution aims to resolve the anxiety, the distress.

“xyz” can make a lot of sense, for example: I will travel when I save enough money (x), when I secure a job when I return from traveling (y), and when I secure an apartment for when I return (z).

Thing is, once you take care of xyz, the anxiety is likely to still be there, and the thinking brain will question itself, doubt itself: why am I not feeling safe now? And it may come up with “uvw”, or not.

And so, I believe, it is the anxiety that needs to be identified and understood. As you wrote in a wise reply to another thread a week ago, once you become aware of something, you cannot be unaware and you must accept what it is you are aware of. The thing to be aware of, with growing equanimity, is what is underneath the “xyz”.

What do you think/feel?

anita

Dear Jennifer:

I can’t think of a better place to save yourself, to help you find your way than competent psychotherapy. This time not with a therapist who will hand you an AA brochure. But a therapist you will interview for the job of helping you and approve of.

When you are stuck in fear, you need courage and that requires a feeling of safety- not complete safety, but enough. In the context of a safe relationship with a therapist who will be empathetic of you and dedicated to the work with you, you may find that courage.

anita

Dear Jennifer:

I don’t know where you live. I will share with you how I found therapy, my first competent therapy experience in my life six years ago. It started with me reading and working on a book/ workbook called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. Months later, I googled “Cognitive behavioral therapy” (CBT) in my area (city and state) and got a listing of a particular therapist who advertised himself as a CBT therapist. He offered an initial free session and I attended. The free session was very long- I was impressed because previous therapists were very strict about the 50 minute rule (and did not offer a free session).

The therapist appeared empathetic and professional. He had a scientific approach to therapy: deciding on evaluating me/ my goals, stating objectives to the therapy, psycho-education, homework between sessions.

He was consistently hard working, very attentive, empathetic, professional and generous with his time during sessions and in between sessions. He was the only therapist I experiences who thought about me in between sessions (emailing me homework, attending to my emails/ phone calls).

anita

Dear Jennifer:

Upstate NY- was there 2014. Is Albany too far for you (seems to have CBT therapists there)?

anita

Dear Jennifer:

80 miles is too far to drive for therapy sessions. I hope you hear from someone competent next week. I hope you can get a free initial session with a therapist so to evaluate him/ her for the job. He needs to be a professional, and tell you how he works and what you should expect. Does the therapist have a website (mine does and it is very informative).

I just googled my former therapist’s website. Here are parts of it:

“What Happens in Therapy

I listen closely and respectfully.  I try to “zero in” on how you feel. It’s really the only way to understand problems that have become overwhelming. This conversation is key.

But this isn’t an “everyday” conversation. More than just listen carefully, I also ask questions and challenge old, self-limiting beliefs and ways of thinking.

Our conversation is active. We try new ideas, at your pace, and look for your strengths that can help heal. Problems begin to show up in a new light, and solutions begin to emerge. New ways of thinking bring new feelings of confidence, peace, and new choices for managing your life.

In therapy I focus on what’s important to you. Together we discover your core needs and hopes, and look for ways to have those needs met in healthy relationships, with self and others.”

anita