Dear Sweet:
This is my input on reading your post:
Regarding asking your husband “stupid questions”- I assume these are questions that you know are “stupid” before you ask them. I assume you feel … an agitation, an itch and need relief and you are compelled to ask the question you have in mind in hope that the “right answer” will provide that relief?

If my assumption is mostly correct, then because you know ahead of time that it is going to be a stupid question- endure the discomfort and do not ask it. Such questions OBVIOUSLY do not provide a long term relief, otherwise you woudln’t be asking more and more of them. Not only do they not provide relief – they agitate your husband, hurt him and the relationship. It is ineffective.

There must be a more effective way for you to get relief of your distress, of those agitations. Focusing on your breath and disentanglement from your thinking mind is it. I was told today (and am elaborating on it) that those agitations are like ripples in a pond. If you add to those ripples your thinking and stupid questions it makes those ripples grow into explosive waves. But if you disengage from them, they will disapper on their own, the ripples that is, the agitation, the itch. There will be more ripples, but disengage from theme as well… and over time the pond will be quieter and quieter.

But that is not all- the source of the ripples being as intense as they are to take over you as they have- the source is probably in your childhood attachment being less than… satisfactory?

i don’t think a person can love without being attached to the person we love- the two go together… overly attached, maybe, the fear of being left alone, of losing that attachment- what is the origin of it in your life?

With insight into the past, grieving eventually the hurts of the past, makes it possible to let go of it- after SEEING and after grieving it.
anita

Dear Sweet:
Your fear of separation from your husband is probably rooted in your childhood, in some ATTACHMENT TRAUMA, or attachment wounding that you experienced as a child. That is probably what generates the fear that attaches itself to your husband.

My feel of it is that what you are afraid of already happened.

The separation, rejection, betrayal of attachment that you are afraid of already happened and the healing is to SEE it and grieve it, a process that will calm that fear and one day you will no longer project that fear to your husband.

You wrote that fear is an illusion… I disagree. I wish it was an illusion. The emotion of fear is very real and is in our animal genes. Oh, it is real.

You are welcome. Will follow your blog, if you post more I will read and will be glad to respond again.
anita

Dear Sweet:
I feel the despair in your last post, I see how hard you have been trying to better yourself, to be happy, to be good to your husband- you have been trying so hard, my heart goes out to you, wanting you to be happy, wanting life to work out for you…

You wrote that you want to kill fear. Can’t be. You can make fear less intense, you can find ways to live with fear so that it doesn’t destroy you. But fear will be. First, accept fear; stop expecting to eliminate it from your mind and your life. Expecting what cannot be is going to keep being in your way for better living. We must work with reality, accepting reality, not rejecting it. It can feel good for a short time, feeling elated, thinking: oh, I CAN live without fear. Fear is an illusion, etc. It feels great because at this or that moment you do not feel fear and you believe it is possible to always be free of fear. No, only at that moment, and there will be other moments when you will not feel fear, but fear will come back.

What you wrote about your family background, the trouble with the business- i figure your mother who often enough screamed at you for no reason you could figure, is it not so that during the times the business was in trouble she screamed MORE? Or otherwise, she or other people in your family were MORE inattentive to you? So the real trouble for you was that you were so lonely as a child? That there was no place for you to go so to soothe the fears children have?

So you want your husband to behave in certain ways so that you will know he loves you and when he doesn’t behave exactly like you expect him to behave, you think that is proof he doesn’t love you? You have unrealistic expectations for his behavior because you are so desperate to feel SAFE…

You would like ot kill your fear and kill your insecurities and I wish that could be done. I am sure you would climb the highest mountain and cross the deepest valley in the heroic quest to kill the fear, I can feel the warrior spirit in you.

I wish you could have some good psychotherapy with a GOOD psychotherapist because I think you need help with insight and skills in taking the journey. ALl the self help book were of some help at the time but did nothing for my journey. My journey started with my first serious psychotherapy at the age of 50. Not before. Also, how available is your husband for more communication? Instead of asking him “stupid questions” can you tell him: I am afraid.” How will or did he respond?

It is important that you know that he is not responsible for your feelings. He can not fix them and it is not his job. He can HELP you and I hope he will, that you can talk more- talk from the heart with him, make him your best friend, if possible (I don’t know him, what he believes his role is as your husband, etc.)

Write me again, will look for your next post…Take care of yourself and thank you for your affectionate expressions:
anita

Dear Sweet:
Thank you for your sweet sentiments: they bring a smile to my face this morning. You read like a very loving, reaching-out-to-connect person.

I am glad your husband is a good, decent, loving man to you. What a precious resource: use this resource to benefit yourself as he benefits from you as a precious resource as well: a WIN-WIN relationship.

As long as you are gentle with him, not threatening, not abusive and responsible for your own feelings- be as open with your heart as needs be, it will help you and him. It will make you feel better again and again when you do have a close person to share your most vulnerable feelings. This is the way to deal with fear: CONNECTION with others. It is so biologically. This is why you feel better connecting with me on this forum: tears in your eyes are emotional release and relief, the lowering of fear. Whenever you find connection with a person who is empathetic and decent and responsible then you will find relief from your fear.

Please do not believe everything you read in self help books and online- example: “fear is an illusion.”- everyone is wrong sometimes. Nobody is always right and nobody is always wrong (Even a broken clock is right twich every 24 hours).

Regarding what you wrote about your parents, you wrote: “Parents have done enough for three of us. Its just we couldn’t do enough for them.” Can you tell me what you mean by “we couldn’t do enough for them”?

About focusing on one’s blessings, on the postives instead of the negatives- this is my take on this: although it is generally an excellent attitude, it cannot be done when people ignore, fight against, dismiss, repress, try to eradicate their negative feelings, their negative feelings about the past, not only the present. If you were seriously hurt by past events, by your childhood, even by the mere loneliness, lack of connection you experienced as a child- then those feelings will make themselves known to you again and again unti you address them adequately, until you first acknowledge them with insight and skills.

So back to the question about: what does “we couldn’t do enough for them” means and if ou’d like, tell me more about your childhood. Please note I am not a therapist in any way, shape or form. I am only a connection on this forum.

Take care of your sweet nature:
anita

Dear Sweet:
Glad you had a good weekend! I am tired at this evening and would like to read again what you wrote tomorrow morning when my brain is fresh (It is Sunday evening here). You are very kind to me and I like reading your posts. You have a lot of LIFE in you and a lot of ambition. You are inspiring. Write me again anytime and tomorrow I will write you more about the above.
Good Night/Good morning:
anita

Dear Sweet:
Good Morning (here it is), Sweet!

You wrote: “I am feeling so confident, Everything feels so good and positive to me.. Its such an amazing feeling to have a healthy and positive mind…” Yes, it is. And we have to accept the fact that this great feeling, mental experience can not be always there, unchangeable. I learned to not get surprised when a good feeling/ state of mind does not last forever. It is the nature of our brains and of life. Always changing. I learned and am practicing skills to help myself when I am feeling agitated, disturbed etc.

You wrote: “I accepted my fears and feel so confident, i dont mind him looking at the girls now…” The fears are likely to return and when they do, you can be prepared with a (mind) game plan, like surrounding those fears with a quiet space by taking a break from the wandering mind by focusing on sounds, focusing on the Here and Now, disengaging from ongoing thinking.

You wrote: “I wish this mind set remains the way it is….” Yes, it is a wish but not reality.

You wrote: “I wanna feel healthy I really wanna do so many things in life… Want to achieve something in life.. WAnt to learn but by comparison and by jealousy.. and Fear and insecurity. I am not living my life to the fullest.”Fear does stop us, imprisons us and when you feel good you want to FLY, to explore.

You wrote: “…the fear of losing something you posses, makes you mad…. These possessions i dont know they are wrong or right. Feeling of jealousy and insecurity but they honestly drains & makes you completely a different person altogether.” Yes, fear makes us shut down to the beauty of life, turns off our passion for life. And fear is not going away for good so we have to live with it well enough. Learn how to deal with it when you feel it, when it threatens you, use mental and physical skills when afraid. For example, part of you can observe the part of you that is afraid. When afraid, instead of ALL of you being afraid, all of you identifying with the fear, the part of you that is paying attention now, the part that knows better, can observe the scared part and figure out what to do to make your life better, specifically what to do in that space between the ears.

You wrote: “Yes coming back to my parents: Enough as in whatever you do, its always less to what they have done for you..”My position is that your parents CHOSE to have their children. The children did not CHOOSE to be there, so it is the parents’ responsibility to take care of the children. It is their legal responsibility. When the parents choose to help their adult children, again it is their choice, and unless they make a legal contract with an adult child, stating: ‘I will do this for you and you will do that for me”- they have no right to expect anything from their adult children. Making children feel guilty is not right. It is hurtful.

You wrote: “I just cannot deal with the things my husband makes me insecure for, thats the only challenge but this time i have adopted the trick is to embrace the fear and above all concentrate more on the positive things about your man than those tiny miny negatives for that moment.” Do what works for you- you get to try different ways of thinking and acting, experiment, evaluate cause–> effect and decide what is effective and what is ineffective; what works and what does not. This is your individual journey, discovery.

You wrote: “I… wanna learn in life… I have also learned that patience is also a key to resolve any problem.” I completely agree- and I am impressed by your ending this post with the imprtance of learning. Often UNLEARNING ineffective ways of thinking and acting and learning new ways that work!

I wonder how you are feeling today, later in the week…?
anita