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August 7, 2013 at 12:50 pm #39929
I keep wondering if I even meant anything to my ex. After he broke up with me he wanted nothing to do with me or talk to me or anything and I couldn’t let him go so I kept trying to talk to him and asking why? I never gave him the time he wanted alone. Since we have finally cut ties and I made myself stop because I was literally killing myself. I now wonder when I’ll stop wondering if he actually did care and if I meant something? and if all the feelings that surround not meaning anything to someone and being thrown away like garbage will fade? I just don’t think that is love or care if you do that. Am I wrong? Can someone help me understand? I know nobody can speak for him, but I just don’t understand in general how people can do that. Thank you for any help!August 7, 2013 at 1:29 pm #39931
I’m sorry you feel like thrown away garbage. That seems very dramatic, which is normal when we are in pain. Often we blame the other for our pain, and that’s normal too. Consider that no matter what the answer is from him, it doesn’t really matter because that is about him, not about you. Does he see you like trash he threw away? Maybe. Does he care about you at all? Maybe not. Luckily you’re not in a relationship with him anymore.
Consider that what is important, and why it hurts now is because he meant something to you, and still does. Your questions are the secret to knowing yourself, learning from what you’ve gone through. You know it doesn’t feel good to feel treated like an object, so now you will be less likely to treat others as an object. You know it feels painful to feel thrown away, so you will be cautious not to take others for granted. You know it is icky to feel invalidated, so you will be more cautious in being validating to others.
As to how long the pain will be present, that is between you and your heart. Keep self-nurturing, and you will give yourself the space you need to grieve and move on. Consider that the downside of these questions you’re spinning with is they are your heart reaching toward him again to feel special. That didn’t work well then, and it continues not to work well now.
MattAugust 7, 2013 at 5:02 pm #39941
You are right. Why does it matter if he did or didn’t or if he does? I just feel betrayed and disappointed. I expected more from him. I don’t blame him entirely. We are both to blame, I just have been blaming myself more. Then I get angry for sitting here blaming myself when the things he did went unnoticed and weren’t right either, but he can sit there and put all the blame on me and not look at his own actions. Then when I start getting angry about those things I just try and brush it away and say what is done is done and I can’t justify myself anymore or have the answers to these questions based off of his actions. I teared up a little bit on Sunday night because I knew and I know he is fading from me and my memories and I keep trying to hold on and grasp on as it slips away and it hurts. I don’t know why these needless thoughts and worries keep coming into my head as he slips away. But when you said “these questions you’re spinning with is they are your heart reaching toward him again to feel special” is something I never thought about. I get ahead and sometimes I fall back down, and it seems like a roller coaster but at least I keep getting back up and pressing forward. It takes time. Thank you for helping me understand Matt.
-JamieAugust 8, 2013 at 2:31 am #39953
Oh Jamie! I feel your pain! Just 2 weeks ago the man I loved so dearly broke off our relationship. It was on our 2 year anniversary too! OMG…my world came crashing down. I thought what we had was wonderful…not perfect…but really damn good and solid. He said he needed “space.” He wanted to keep in touch…stay friends…but I just couldn’t. The pain I feel is crushing. Sleep? What is that? The ache in my heart is so deep I wonder if I will ever feel that light happiness I used to carry with me. Tears? I have never cried so much in my life!
But everyday kind of sort of gets easier. kind of. But I too wonder…did he ever love me? Does he know how much pain I feel? Matt’s response was so comforting. Oh the lessons I am learning! I honor the human spirit so much…I would never want to do to another what has been done to me.
Now that some time has gone by…I suppose I saw the signs. I felt at times something was off in our relationship…but I loved being with him that I just brushed those feelings aside. Playing it safe definitely bit me in the ass big time. Always trust your gut! Always!
So I literally have to scream the word STOP in my head ever time I wonder if he thinks about me. I am killing myself with those thoughts. Or thoughts that he is already moving on and dating other women…oh good God, those thoughts are the worst!
I send you much light as you heal too. The only comforting thought I have is that there must be someone really amazing waiting for me! If God is indeed good then this was meant to happen. I am learning BIG lessons and someday I hope to love the way I loved him again.
xoAugust 8, 2013 at 7:29 am #39956
I can completely relate with you and feel for your pain. I was not in a relationship per se, but I still had/have deep love for my loved one that was not reciprocated.
The feeling of rejection hurts. It leads to feelings of inadequacy that wreaks havoc on the self-esteem. One of the biggest questions, and what brings me the most pain, is did he even care about me. Was I just a past time? Did he take advantage of my feelings and use them against me. Like you, I feel that I was so disposable. I hate that I gave so openly of myself to someone who didn’t find value in me.
It’s human nature to need validation, to know that we are valued, wanted, good enough. I think after a break up that need goes in overdrive. But who are we looking to for validation? Does that person deserve such a powerful position in our lives? This need for validation cannot be sufficiently satisfied if we don’t validate ourselves first. Be kind and patient with yourself.
With that said, I know that I can’t allow someone’s treatment or someone’s value of me define me. This is sometimes easier said than done when the thoughts keep ruminating. I made a list yesterday of all his positives and negatives. So far the negatives outnumber the positives. Some of the negatives are ones that I could tolerate. Others are qualities that I dislike completely and tried to brush over. Would I have ever been truly happy in a relationship with him? Looking at the list, I have to honestly answer ‘no’.
Maybe you, like me, have questioned what is wrong with you. Why can’t you get this person out of your head and stop obsessing over them? You realize you don’t feel or act yourself. Helen Fisher has done research that has found that this may be due to changes that occur in your brain during a break up. According to her, rejection activates the same parts of the brain that are activated during real physical pain. MRI scans have shown that the pain you feel during heart ache is real not simply psychological but real physical pain. I don’t know if I buy into this completely, but it would explain a lot of things. She has a video on YouTube of one of her seminars called “The Brain in Love”. It goes into more details.
Like Matt said, you can learn that you never want to inflict this pain on anyone else. I know I feel that way.
Please know that you are not alone.
Much love, good wishes, and quick healing to you…
LBAugust 8, 2013 at 10:32 am #39975
I’m sorry you are having to deal with the same feelings. It always just seems so unfair. I think ultimately the biggest struggle is just accepting someone will no longer be apart of your life. And after two years you guys were together he offered a friendship? My ex did the same. I couldn’t. How could we go from being friends to being romantically involved to friends? That doesn’t work! Yes, I wish I had the strength to allow a friendship, but I think it is just hurtful to ask that of someone you leave. It won’t ever be the same. Thank you for sharing your story. It is still tough to think there is someone else out there when all I wanted was him, but there is. You are just starting off in your journey after this break up Carrie and I hope and pray that you find the strength to make it through each day. Always tell yourself you are special and wonderful and that it gets better. I am learning BIG lessons as well and I’m glad you are learning them too! When my ex first broke up with me I sent a letter to my family and kindly asked them to never mention my ex again or speak of him and the advice my sister in law gave me was to not be so hard on myself. I’ll pass it on to you! Don’t be hard on yourself! Of course it all seems easier said than done especially since I’m very hard on myself, but it has been four months since we broke up and it is fading. It will for you too! My email is firstname.lastname@example.org In the beginning I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I had high anxiety and severe depression so if you need any help or just want to talk don’t hesitate to contact me! Thank you Carrie for sharing your story and helping me. You are not alone! You are strong!August 8, 2013 at 10:34 am #39976
I like what you said about writing down the positives and negatives. That was advice my Mother had given me months before we broke up and I never actually sat to do it. I wanted to leave my ex so many times, but I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt him so I ended up hurting myself. I didn’t want to leave him because I didn’t want to give up and I wanted for us to get help so I figured love was more than enough, but I guess deep down you have to really sit and look at everything and say is this healthy and right? We can love each other but do you stay with someone because you love them or do you have to do what is going to best for yourself? I am going to do exactly as you have done and write those things down go through them and try and work it with the same mind set that you had. I am also going to go on youtube and watch the seminars that you mentioned from Helen Fisher. Thank you for giving me an understanding of the pain you have experienced and sharing ways you have gone about your own personaljourney. I always appreciate from the bottom of my heart being helped and you taking time to talk to me and help me. You are wonderful!August 8, 2013 at 10:41 am #39980
It is healing for me to read all of your words. I too am trying to recover from a break up which wasn’t my choice. At times, I’ve felt as if my world ended when he dumped me. I have been blaming myself. Now, being honest with myself, and after 3 weeks, I see that I knew “in my gut” all along that he wasn’t the man for me. There were too many things about him that I didn’t care for and that weren’t compatible with my needs. Instead, while with him, I tried to please him. Tried to adapt to his life and devalued myself. I’m learning. And I’m not young, either. Maybe, I’ll never have another relationship in my life. If I don’t – I still want to love myself and my life and create my own happiness without any pressing need to be a part of a couple. Thanks, Jamie, Matt, Carrie, and LB. Your words illuminated some things for me. Bess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful”. So so true.August 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm #39986
This has been such an inspiring thread… Today the ex came by the house to pick up his things and to give me my things (I did this outside…he did not come in). He hugged me and asked how I was doing? WTF? I just stood there with my arms at my side and said nothing. Good God. I gave him back some very sentmental pieces of jewelry that he gave me…I can’t look at them…I figured he can hold on to it or throw it away… I secretly hope it kills him a little to see those pieces and that I gave them back. I know it’s cruel…but I am angry and hurt and this all sucks so bad.
This has been an emotional journey like no other! Shit my divorce after 15 years was not this painful! (that marriage was not healthy and I was relieved to get out…but that’s a story for another day). My recent Ex was very good to me…and that I will miss (I suppose I am missing it now!). So here I am…42 years old looking to mend a very broken heart. I want to sleep again. I want to get through a day without crying. Simply…I want to feel normal.
Thanks for listening… And I am glad you are healing and getting better!
August 8, 2013 at 1:16 pm #39989
- This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by Carrie.
I’m sitting at work at my desk and my mouth literally dropped reading that. The nerve he has! I hope that the “time alone” your ex needs causes him to realize he made a mistake and try to take you back. Then I hope you are strong enough to not allow him back into your life. Then I was surprised you had gotten out of a marriage that wasn’t that great! Now I’m curious, and maybe they aren’t even the same.. Can you tell me why it was easier for you after your marriage ended to move on and were glad? But it is tougher now with this recent ex? My ex was in a previous relationship for 5 years and she left him and he couldn’t get over it even after all the time we were together. Then when we broke up he went back to missing her and putting that family back in his life (I had asked him to remove them and that family the mom specifically would still contact him after I asked her not to so he could move on and we could have a chance at our relationship) obviously not doing anything but staying stuck in the past so he will never move on from her even though she is in a committed relationship and moved on and hasn’t talked to him since. But he could care less about dropping me and going back to missing her and that family. So I guess why does it happen that way? Why was it not as much of a struggle for you when your marriage ended? I hope that doesn’t seem like I’m being insensitive to your feelings I just have a curious mind and want to understand the differences for myself.
You will get through a day without heart ache and not thinking about him and without crying. Cry as long and as hard as you can! Get a punching bag to release anger! DO NOT CONTACT HIM. let him go. It will help you move on. Trust me. I wish I would have had the strength four months ago to just accept my ex broke up with me and not talk to him. It would have made it a lot easier for both of us and maybe things would be a little different. Go out for walks and absorb the sun. If you can, go on a vacation! Do things that YOU want to do. You really are in the same place I was four months ago and the way I handled it was with anger and hatred and crying for months and months. It affected my job and bills and life. I didn’t handle the break up well. I handled it a lot better however than previous because I chose not to resort to drugs or alcohol this time. So for me to tell you go out and do things you love and surround yourself with people who love you and do lots of self-nurturing–it is great but you have to have the will and strength to do it. It all was advice given to me and it seems so much easier said than done. It actually was easier said than done. I stayed in bed and wanted nothing to do with anyone. I didn’t talk to people. I didn’t do anything. I just tried to show up to work and most of the time I didn’t. Now four months later, my heart still has some hurt in it, but I don’t think about my ex as much and I don’t cry as much. Whimpering and some tears every now and then, but I am getting better. I am going to Church again I am doing things that are going to be positive for my life and my mental health. Surrounding myself with positive encouraging people. Making new friends. Letting go of the past and the people who hurt me and not letting those things have control over me anymore. Finding my inner peace and beauty I lost so long ago. I’m not 100 percent, but I’m getting there. I encourage for yourself to really try to get better and get out and love yourself and force yourself to carry on. Get rid of clutter in your life. Cut ties with people who aren’t bettering your life. Believe in time and time will heal you. Don’t give up on yourself. You are all you have! (of course I’m here and so is this community) but you know what I mean.August 8, 2013 at 1:19 pm #39992
Also Carrie, Check out the site.. happify.com
if it feels like something that will help you then join it.August 8, 2013 at 1:50 pm #39997
Thank you Jamie…I think this thread is healing me and it was your topic! LOL. Today has been NUTS. Get this..I was looking for something and picked up a book I have not picked up in over a year. A card drops out…it’s from the recent Ex…a card he wrote me on our 1 year anniversary…very sentimental… I almost died. I can’t even ask God if this is some “sign.” I mean how crazy is that? Unexplainable…
So the marriage thing…we met very young (we were 19) married at 26… He was emotionally abusive (and so was his Father). By the time I was 40 I was done with it all. I had spent many many years searching for myself and finally found my strength. When I finally had the nerve…I walked out. I think because I did the leaving and on my terms…it was different. It was not painful…it was fucking liberating!!! And believe it or not…we are now friends (he is the father to my children after all).
And so what is so hard about this break up is that the man was a good man. I am not just saying that…he is. But he too has issues. He gave me his heart..so much so that he lost sight of who he was…and now he is on a quest to find himself. So he broke off our relationship so he can “soul search.”
Perhaps I became too dependent on that love that my recent ex gave me. I am beginning to see that I turned to him for emotional comfort…I now have to find comfort from within. I depended on him for a lot. And I miss sharing my life and day with him. That is what really sucks…I lost my best friend and now have no one I can share my intimate thoughts with. I have lot’s of great girlfriends…but you know what I mean, right? There is something so wonderful about sharing your day with the man you love…and feeling his arms around you. And cuddling on the couch and shit…ugh… I need a fucking hug from a nice man!!!
Thanks so much for letting me vent here…it just feels so good…
xoAugust 8, 2013 at 3:17 pm #40004
Thank you for giving me a good chuckle! It was nice seeing you vent and get it off your chest! I hope for today you feel better. It may happen again tomorrow. Start a new topic. Keep talking and getting it all out of you. Having it all in just keeps the toxins in. Release them! Thank you for helping me understand! I’m glad you found the strength to leave. You are going to get through this too! Maybe down the line if it feels right, you and your ex can actually be friends. I hope only the best for you! xoxoAugust 8, 2013 at 3:26 pm #40005
I hope you find the strength to get through this! You have to remind yourself every day how special and beautiful and wonderful you are. You can’t make others happy and love others unless you love yourself and make yourself happy. Sometimes we forget about ourselves. I have never heard that quote, but oh my gosh you are right. THAT IS SO TRUE! Good luck and I hope you know you aren’t alone!August 9, 2013 at 7:01 am #40037
I also heard about doing this, but I blew it off that it wouldn’t help, and truthfully in the beginning of the break up I knew the negatives but I didn’t want to identify them. Working with him and having to see him every day during the week has made the process even harder. Seeing him walk around happy, his life goes on unscathed because he had no love for me, and knowing how bad I was/am hurting is hard. I was doing somewhat better, but then about three days ago I hit rock bottom again. That’s when I wrote the positives & negatives down. Seeing the negatives on paper along with a quote, I think I read on this site, from the Dalai Lama has helped tremendously. The quote said, “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” I’m better off.
Hearing that there is a real physical reason why it is so difficult during a break up has also helped me. I thought I was going nuts. I didn’t even recognize myself. It’s nice to know that I wasn’t.
Will I hit bottom again before I’m healed? Very possible… As long as I continue taking two steps up and only take one back, I am making progress and moving forward.
We don’t have to go through this process alone. It’s nice to have a site like this to share and heal.