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August 7, 2013 at 12:50 pm #39929
I keep wondering if I even meant anything to my ex. After he broke up with me he wanted nothing to do with me or talk to me or anything and I couldn’t let him go so I kept trying to talk to him and asking why? I never gave him the time he wanted alone. Since we have finally cut ties and I made myself stop because I was literally killing myself. I now wonder when I’ll stop wondering if he actually did care and if I meant something? and if all the feelings that surround not meaning anything to someone and being thrown away like garbage will fade? I just don’t think that is love or care if you do that. Am I wrong? Can someone help me understand? I know nobody can speak for him, but I just don’t understand in general how people can do that. Thank you for any help!
August 7, 2013 at 1:29 pm #39931
I’m sorry you feel like thrown away garbage. That seems very dramatic, which is normal when we are in pain. Often we blame the other for our pain, and that’s normal too. Consider that no matter what the answer is from him, it doesn’t really matter because that is about him, not about you. Does he see you like trash he threw away? Maybe. Does he care about you at all? Maybe not. Luckily you’re not in a relationship with him anymore.
Consider that what is important, and why it hurts now is because he meant something to you, and still does. Your questions are the secret to knowing yourself, learning from what you’ve gone through. You know it doesn’t feel good to feel treated like an object, so now you will be less likely to treat others as an object. You know it feels painful to feel thrown away, so you will be cautious not to take others for granted. You know it is icky to feel invalidated, so you will be more cautious in being validating to others.
As to how long the pain will be present, that is between you and your heart. Keep self-nurturing, and you will give yourself the space you need to grieve and move on. Consider that the downside of these questions you’re spinning with is they are your heart reaching toward him again to feel special. That didn’t work well then, and it continues not to work well now.
MattYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
August 7, 2013 at 5:02 pm #39941
You are right. Why does it matter if he did or didn’t or if he does? I just feel betrayed and disappointed. I expected more from him. I don’t blame him entirely. We are both to blame, I just have been blaming myself more. Then I get angry for sitting here blaming myself when the things he did went unnoticed and weren’t right either, but he can sit there and put all the blame on me and not look at his own actions. Then when I start getting angry about those things I just try and brush it away and say what is done is done and I can’t justify myself anymore or have the answers to these questions based off of his actions. I teared up a little bit on Sunday night because I knew and I know he is fading from me and my memories and I keep trying to hold on and grasp on as it slips away and it hurts. I don’t know why these needless thoughts and worries keep coming into my head as he slips away. But when you said “these questions you’re spinning with is they are your heart reaching toward him again to feel special” is something I never thought about. I get ahead and sometimes I fall back down, and it seems like a roller coaster but at least I keep getting back up and pressing forward. It takes time. Thank you for helping me understand Matt.
-JamieYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
August 8, 2013 at 2:31 am #39953
Oh Jamie! I feel your pain! Just 2 weeks ago the man I loved so dearly broke off our relationship. It was on our 2 year anniversary too! OMG…my world came crashing down. I thought what we had was wonderful…not perfect…but really damn good and solid. He said he needed “space.” He wanted to keep in touch…stay friends…but I just couldn’t. The pain I feel is crushing. Sleep? What is that? The ache in my heart is so deep I wonder if I will ever feel that light happiness I used to carry with me. Tears? I have never cried so much in my life!
But everyday kind of sort of gets easier. kind of. But I too wonder…did he ever love me? Does he know how much pain I feel? Matt’s response was so comforting. Oh the lessons I am learning! I honor the human spirit so much…I would never want to do to another what has been done to me.
Now that some time has gone by…I suppose I saw the signs. I felt at times something was off in our relationship…but I loved being with him that I just brushed those feelings aside. Playing it safe definitely bit me in the ass big time. Always trust your gut! Always!
So I literally have to scream the word STOP in my head ever time I wonder if he thinks about me. I am killing myself with those thoughts. Or thoughts that he is already moving on and dating other women…oh good God, those thoughts are the worst!
I send you much light as you heal too. The only comforting thought I have is that there must be someone really amazing waiting for me! If God is indeed good then this was meant to happen. I am learning BIG lessons and someday I hope to love the way I loved him again.
xoYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
August 8, 2013 at 7:29 am #39956
I can completely relate with you and feel for your pain. I was not in a relationship per se, but I still had/have deep love for my loved one that was not reciprocated.
The feeling of rejection hurts. It leads to feelings of inadequacy that wreaks havoc on the self-esteem. One of the biggest questions, and what brings me the most pain, is did he even care about me. Was I just a past time? Did he take advantage of my feelings and use them against me. Like you, I feel that I was so disposable. I hate that I gave so openly of myself to someone who didn’t find value in me.
It’s human nature to need validation, to know that we are valued, wanted, good enough. I think after a break up that need goes in overdrive. But who are we looking to for validation? Does that person deserve such a powerful position in our lives? This need for validation cannot be sufficiently satisfied if we don’t validate ourselves first. Be kind and patient with yourself.
With that said, I know that I can’t allow someone’s treatment or someone’s value of me define me. This is sometimes easier said than done when the thoughts keep ruminating. I made a list yesterday of all his positives and negatives. So far the negatives outnumber the positives. Some of the negatives are ones that I could tolerate. Others are qualities that I dislike completely and tried to brush over. Would I have ever been truly happy in a relationship with him? Looking at the list, I have to honestly answer ‘no’.
Maybe you, like me, have questioned what is wrong with you. Why can’t you get this person out of your head and stop obsessing over them? You realize you don’t feel or act yourself. Helen Fisher has done research that has found that this may be due to changes that occur in your brain during a break up. According to her, rejection activates the same parts of the brain that are activated during real physical pain. MRI scans have shown that the pain you feel during heart ache is real not simply psychological but real physical pain. I don’t know if I buy into this completely, but it would explain a lot of things. She has a video on YouTube of one of her seminars called “The Brain in Love”. It goes into more details.
Like Matt said, you can learn that you never want to inflict this pain on anyone else. I know I feel that way.
Please know that you are not alone.
Much love, good wishes, and quick healing to you…
LBYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
August 8, 2013 at 10:32 am #39975
I’m sorry you are having to deal with the same feelings. It always just seems so unfair. I think ultimately the biggest struggle is just accepting someone will no longer be apart of your life. And after two years you guys were together he offered a friendship? My ex did the same. I couldn’t. How could we go from being friends to being romantically involved to friends? That doesn’t work! Yes, I wish I had the strength to allow a friendship, but I think it is just hurtful to ask that of someone you leave. It won’t ever be the same. Thank you for sharing your story. It is still tough to think there is someone else out there when all I wanted was him, but there is. You are just starting off in your journey after this break up Carrie and I hope and pray that you find the strength to make it through each day. Always tell yourself you are special and wonderful and that it gets better. I am learning BIG lessons as well and I’m glad you are learning them too! When my ex first broke up with me I sent a letter to my family and kindly asked them to never mention my ex again or speak of him and the advice my sister in law gave me was to not be so hard on myself. I’ll pass it on to you! Don’t be hard on yourself! Of course it all seems easier said than done especially since I’m very hard on myself, but it has been four months since we broke up and it is fading. It will for you too! My email is firstname.lastname@example.org In the beginning I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I had high anxiety and severe depression so if you need any help or just want to talk don’t hesitate to contact me! Thank you Carrie for sharing your story and helping me. You are not alone! You are strong!You must be logged in to reply to this topic.