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Hello, Anita. I just wanted to let you know how I have been doing.
Things have been quite -great- these past several days. I realized that the main reason was indeed depression, I guess the pills started to work at last. I can see that negative thoughts and fears took complete control over me and I couldn’t really do anything about it.
Now I am able to ignore the ones that make me feel bad because I know it’s just my mind. I’m still quite empty, dead inside, I can’t feel emotions much but I believe it will change soon.
I’ve been making some changes but I also realized that the psychologist was right that I shouldn’t be making any major decisions yet. Anyway, I asked for another promotion at my job so that it is more challenging and it will also require more contact with other people and more thinking. I’ll be applying for another job and I’m also contemplating leaving for a month or so abroad to work as an au-pair. I took the entrance exam, passed and I can continue my studies where I stopped in March.
As for moving out, I don’t feel like doing it right now. I will have to do it eventually, just not now. I talked to mum, I told her a few things, such as that I want to do things my way, take care of my own finances, simply live life according to my rules. I can’t say that she took everything well and I’m aware that I owe her an apology for blaming everything on her sort of. The thing is that I found out that even when the voices in my head sounded like my mother’s, brother’s, etc, it is still my voice. I realized that it’s me who have high expectations of myself. I will have to talk this through with my psychologist, especially if I want to go to school again. I want be disciplined and hard working, but I also want to be able to breath and make mistakes – not be such a perfectionist all-the-time.
So I want to be nicer to my mum because she’s mentally drained from all of this, however, I wish she would take the depression thing into consideration a bit. You know, my brother doesn’t even know about the antidepressants and while my mum knows everything, she seems to be somehow ignoring it. I don’t want to tell her “hey, just so you know, there were times when I almost ended it” so that she would realize how serious things were, but I don’t know how to make her realize it any other way. Two days ago, a certain person hugged me and said “it’s going to be okay” and I started to cry. I just feel so alone when it comes to my current situation, I wish mum would just come to me and say “hey, are you doing better? have things improved?” you know? I wish I heard “it’s going to be okay” more often.
Anyway, I’ve been enjoying getting back into life again, finding new hobbies, taking care of myself..
Thank you for your care, Anita 😉
Hi, Anita, thank you so much for asking.
Things have been great. Though I’m still looking for a new job, but I don’t take night shifts at my current job and rest from time to time. I’m still living at home, there are days when I get along with mum well (especially if we don’t see each other for a few days), but there are also days when we disagree on everything, it’s tiring. On the other hand, I’m currently seeing someone so I’m not at home that much, I have also been going out with friends whom I have been neglecting the past few months.
What I realized is that family issues have quite a big impact on me. In the past year, my grandpa almost died, then simultaneously my uncle and his son were both in serious condition (my uncle died from cancer, I was with him that night, my cousin is okay now). I’m always upset that I can’t do more for then, but in general I never realized that these things may have been the cause, I thought it was either school, men, father, … The truth is that when someone in my family got sick, I would drop everything. Unfortunately my aunt is sick as well now, I’m coming there to stay with her a few days.
brievuong: Hello, thank you for your words. I was severely depressed, I was going crazy at times a few months back. My mind just went on and on and on, creating only horrible scenarios.. I guess it’s good that I’m self-aware, but what my therapist noticed is that I analyze too much. He said to me now to just tell him how I feel or felt and not look for the cause of it, because I tend to interlink events that in the end have nothing to do with each other. So I’m actually learning not to analyze everything so much, it’s just thoughts 🙂
Helloo, Anita 🙂
I’m writing you from Prague and I don’t know if I even have anything to write about :)) My job at the camp is great, I have good access to the city and a lot of free time. Things with my boyfriend are great and I have been getting some translating jobs recently. We have been lightly discussing starting a business but I don’t think it’s a good idea to work with my partner.
I went to my therapist and I really had nothing to tell him, but he was quite enthusiastic about the race in Europe so we talked about that for a long time :)) Then I told him that my mother could be mentally exhausted because she takes care of our grandfather and he suggested that maybe that’s where all her care and love go to and there is nothing left of it for me.
So I’m translating, looking for a flat, preparing for the race.. 🙂 I sometimes look back at the bad times and I can’t believe that I recovered like this. Thank God for the pills..
How are you doing?
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