Hello.

I’m writing from a desperate place in my life. I feel like I’ve lost my spiritual side and myself along with it. I’ll try to explain my situation and maybe someone will get it (psychologists didn’t, they just said that I suffer from depression and that’s it, eventhough I myself know that it’s not depression, at least not the main cause.)

I’m Lada and I’m 23. When I was 19, my first boyfriend and I broke up and I began to go through things so much that I had spiritual awakening. I could see my potential and the voice told me that English was what was going to lead me to reaching my potential. Since then I became more spiritual and could hear my intuition better. But then came the moment when I started study English at Uni and my mind went crazy, it created an enormous resistance and made me quit after two months or so, eventhough I could hear the voice telling me that I was just resisting change in my habits and that I would have been more than okay after pushing through. Howerver, I did quit and was depressed for two months or so. Yet I could hear my intuition tell me “apply again”. I applied and found a job in a factory meanwhile. After half a year of working I started studying again and studied for year and a half. I had very good grades, but what I wasn’t realising was that I was using the information that I had learned in a language school and before I started uni but that I wasn’t changing myself at Uni and learning new things. I guess it was the job in the factory that “taught” me to just get things done and not go deeper.

In the winter semester of the second year, things escalated as I was supposed to come up with my bachelor thesis and also write essays for a professor who was a native speaker, therefore his lessons were more demanding than others. I could feel that it was a breaking point for me to do things for myself, rewrite the essays until I was satisfied and not just get an A, come up with a bachelor thesis that I would have been excited to write, etc. At that time I realized how superficially I had been studying the year and a half, though I loved English and there had been signs the whole time pointing me to things that I’ve always wanted to do, such as writing, history, business English, painting, dancing and mainly translating. However, it was at this time that I started to open a beer when writing an essay or avoiding thinking about bachelor thesis because no matter what topic I chose, it wasn’t “it”, it wasn’t me. I was changing my thesis supervisors, topics because my heart just wasn’t satisfied with anything randomly chosen. Nobody understood why it was so important to me and why I had been chosing it for three months.. Then at one point, after some more beers and avoiding responsibiltity, I could hear the voice telling me “This is the end of your career.” I was able to finish the semester, I still got good grades from exams, but it was all learnt by heart, I didn’t actually learn the lessons behind it that I needed. My days at school in the summer semester went from bad to worse, I started making mistakes I didn’t make even at my beginnings and it was like I wanted to make the mistakes. My mind stopped wanting to learn anything new. It’s hard to describe but I just had to quit because I knew that I wouldn’t pass the summer exams.

All of this has been happening for the past 5 months and it has been hell every.single.day. I kept going to my job but it’s the same there, stupid mistakes, not wanting to learn.

What the voice also told me was “Your values will change. Your habits will change. You’ll be stupid, you won’t be good at anything, you will be dependent on others, on their opinions,” And I can really feel every single day how my mind gets more and more stupid, things break under my arms..

The reason why I resist giving in so much is that until that spiritual awakening, I had been a prisoner of my own mind my whole life, I cared about what others thought to an extreme level, I tried really hard to make everyone like me, even strangers on the street, and I don’t want to go through it again. Let alone for the rest of my life.

A part of me wants to give in, a part of me wants to jump in front of a train and a part of me wants to pack a bag, a tent and a sleeping bag and just leave, go from one state to another until I find myself again.

Is it possible that my spiritual side and my intuition really left me for good?

• This topic was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.