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Difficult Situation

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of nextsteps nextsteps 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #144831
    Profile photo of curious soul
    curious soul
    Participant

    Hi, I am a 29 years old woman and been married for two years. Currently, I am in a situation which I wouldn’t call sad or so, but it bothers me sometimes. I love my husband and living a simple and satisfied life with him, but on the other side, I am in love with a guy who is also a friend of mine. He also loves me and has the same feelings for me. I was attracted to him before I got married and confessed as well, but then he moved to abroad and we kind of lost touch and chemistry we had as friends. But after six months of my marriage, we got back in touch and gained back the chemistry we had earlier in no time. We fight over calls and texts all the time but then get back together because we both just complete each other’s life. I also met him when he came back on holidays, and we enjoyed each other’s company. This time he also reciprocated the romantic feelings he has for me and even showed the desire to develop the physical and intimate relationship.

    So the current situation is we both love each other and long for the physical intimacy but never had it due to long distance thing. And we might get physical too if we get the right time and place. But it is not just about getting physical. There is so much more to this relationship. On the other side, I love my husband too, and things are completely fine between us. So now what bothers me is if tomorrow this guy (my guy friend) gets married and have a life of his own will I be able to detach myself from him or should I just live in the present? I am confused.

    We both adore each other as friends and cannot live without talking for too long. But the sexual tension between us sometimes makes me think too deeply about my and his future. Please don’t judge me and suggest something that could help in literally.

    #144909
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear curious soul:

    You asked: “what bothers me is if tomorrow this guy (my guy friend) gets married and have a life of his own will I be able to detach myself from him or should I just live in the present?”

    You worry about what you should do if and when this guy gets married, considering maybe you should detach from him when he gets married-

    meaning, if he gets married, you might respect his marriage as a monogamous relationship?

    anita

     

    #144931
    Profile photo of curious soul
    curious soul
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Thanks for replying and reverting. See, that’s the confusion. I am not sure about certain things whether I must get physical with him or stop being in contact with him because I am married. Or should I stop talking to him once I get married or just go with the flow. I am confused. On one side I just feel like fulfilling the desires of my heart like continue talking to him, healthy flirting or get physical but on the contrary, I feel the burden of morality where I must suddenly stop being in contact with him as any contact between us lead to sexual tension. But I fear by doing so I will alsi lose a friend in him who really cares for me. Plese enlighten.

    #144933
    Profile photo of curious soul
    curious soul
    Participant

    And I did try to discontinue any sort od contact with him in the past. I was able to do it for 2-3 months but then he texted me and said he really misses me and all. He promised we will continue as a friend but the spark between us is too bright that we cannot stay just friends. There is this strange romantic angle between us that surfaces every once in a while.

    #144937
    Profile photo of Dee
    Dee
    Participant

    Hi Curious Soul, I might suggest that you try to see a counselor or therapist! I think with a professional you might be able to delve into your feelings for this man who is your friend and see what exactly that relationship is offering you that is so interesting that you aren’t getting with your husband. I think that might help you work through your feelings and see what it is that you want to do! It’s also possible that if you are able to deepen your connection with your husband and feel more closely bonded together than you might not feel so intensely for your friend.

    #144939
    Profile photo of Kat
    Kat
    Participant

    Dear curious soul

    Please consider your situation carefully it is your life with years to come. Little steps even matters as affect …if you go physical with your friend your marriage never be the same taking under consideration you stay with your husband. If I can advise Give yourself longer time but make these decision carefully think what you truly feel and want. What future you could have with both of them as all matters your happiness finances general life security. You cannot just think about chemistry if life with your husband like you said is absolutely ok because you could regret it very much in the future. Take under consideration all aspects of both relationships,for longer time it seems like you cannot keep both and it is really about good choice correct choice. Think what categories in relationship make you most happy choose a man is able to give it to you but than take also you will need to take  all consequences of your choice are you happy to do it ? I m here for you KAT

     

    #145007
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear curious soul:

    I will be back to your thread in about ten hours to re-read it and reply then. If you are reading this before I am back, can you tell me more about your relationship with your husband?

    anita

    #145029
    Profile photo of JayJay
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear curious soul,

    Could it be that you are just bored with your marriage that there is this tug towards a physical relationship with your other friend? Once you go for that physical side of things with this man, you can never go back to just being friends. If ‘everything is fine’ between yourself and your husband, then I think this other is more of a ‘forbidden fruits’ type of relationship. One you want but can’t have, which makes it all the more desirable!

    Is this lust, or love? The two are quite often confused.

    #145041
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear curious soul:

    You are 29, married for two years. You wrote: “I love my husband and living a simple and satisfied life with him.” When you write that you are living a “satisfied life”, I think you mean a life that you don’t intend to change, that is, that you do not intend to separate/ divorce him. You chose and accepted your life with him.

    You wrote: “I am in a situation which I wouldn’t call sad or so, but it bothers me sometimes”- I think you mean, again, that you have no intention of changing the situation, that is, you intend to remain married, so you minimize your discomfort about being married. You call your life being married a “satisfied life” that is “(not) sad”- even though is not a satisfied life and it is sad.

    You wrote: “I am in love with a guy who is also a friend of mine. He also loves me and has the same feelings for me. I was attracted to him before…  after six months of my marriage, we got back in touch and gained back the chemistry we had earlier in no time… we both just complete each other’s life. I also met him when he came back on holidays, and we enjoyed each other’s company.”

    I don’t know why you married the man you married- maybe your family pressured you to marry him, maybe you felt that you were getting older and need to marry someone, I don’t know. But clearly, you didn’t marry him because you were ‘attracted to him”- or because you “both just complete each other’s life” or even because you “enjoyed each other’s company.”

    You wrote: “On the other side, I love my husband too, and things are completely fine between us.”- I don’t believe it is true. Again, you make-believe in your mind that your life with him is satisfactory, that it is not a sad life, and that “things are completely fine” because you do not intend to get out of this married. It is called “convenient thinking” because it is.. convenient.

    You wrote: “that’s the confusion. I am not sure about certain things whether I must get physical with him (friend) or stop being in contact with him because I am married… On one side I just feel like fulfilling the desires of my heart like continue talking to him, healthy flirting or get physical…” The “desires of your heart” that you mentioned, these are not satisfied in your “satisfied life” with your husband, hence, your marriage is not satisfactory.

    “…but on the contrary, I feel the burden of morality… And I did try to discontinue any sort od contact with him in the past. I was able to do it for 2-3 months but then he texted me…”

    This is my effort to help you with your confusion: your married life is NOT satisfactory to you. The desires of your heart (and your body) are NOT satisfied in your marriage. On one hand your expectations from life are very humble and so you are “satisfied”- but a part of you wants much more: romance and passion.

    You cannot perceive, cannot even imagine (can you?) romance and passion with your husband. So, you are allowing yourself to experience it with another man, a little so far, and you are considering experiencing more of it, with the other man.

    Am I correct so far?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by Profile photo of anita anita.
    #145061
    Profile photo of curious soul
    curious soul
    Participant

    Hi, First of all, I would like to thank Anita, Dee, Kat, and JayJay for replying. I appreciate your efforts. Now, I will come back to Anita. So, step by step, I think I am not physically attracted to my husband anymore but to be specific, I enjoy physical intimacy with him. And my husband and I were in a relationship for six years before we got married, so, no it was not out of parent’s pressure. He understands me. We are like the soulmates. I think I am in love with two people at a time. And that is pretty much possible. Isn’t it?

    I love this guy (my guy friend) because he is funny, respects me, and attractive too. I am not looking for any future with him, but I want him to be a part of my life till the end of it. And I fear I won’t be able to have him once he gets married and will also not be right for his wife’s part. But, what can I do? I love him so much. And cannot deny the physical attraction both from his and my end as well.

    Right now he is not in a relationship and neither looking for one, but someday he will get married. I fear will his feelings remain same or change for me once he gets married. Because if his feelings change for me, I will be hurt. I am not the person who can take relationship casually. So, pretty messed up right now. Please help.

    #145065
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear curious soul:

    You wrote that your husband understands you, and that you and him are like soulmates.

    Since your husband understands you so well, like a soulmate, what is his explanation to your situation?

    I am thinking he can be great help to you in your confusion, but you are still confused. Back to my question, what did your husband tell you when you explained to him that you love the other man as well and that you are thinking of becoming sexually active with him?

    anita

    #145069
    Profile photo of curious soul
    curious soul
    Participant

    I haven’t told my husband about this. I am afraid how will he react..

    #145079
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear curious soul:

    You are afraid of how your husband will react: how do you think he will react?

    anita

    #145175
    Profile photo of curious soul
    curious soul
    Participant

    Well, that’s a trick question. He might feel bad about our relationship and could get really sad. I Know he will try to understand but I am afraid that I may hurt him by telling him about the whole situation.

    #145225
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear curious soul:

    Yes, I agree: your husband is likely to feel hurt and sad if you tell him, or if he otherwise finds out.

    I re-read and am studying your posts on this thread in my efforts to understand you. I came to a theory previously (one of the posts above), but I now think it was the wrong explanation.

    Following a second study, this is my understanding, an please let me know if I am correct. Where I am not correct, please do correct me:

    You are in love with your guy friend. You love him (have strong emotional/ sexual feelings for him) and he loves you (has strong emotional/ sexual feelings for you). You value his love very much and you want to KEEP it. You don’t want to lose his love. And this is your main concern in this thread: to not lose your guy friend’s love. You are worried that if and when he gets married, you will lose his love for you. You are afraid of the hurt that you will feel if and when that happens and that fear is your anxiety, the reason you started this thread.

    Your question is whether you should end the contact with your guy friend and therefore, prevent that possible future hurt or live-in-the-moment and enjoy his love for you now, regardless of the future.

    The key sentence in your posts is: “I am not the person who can take relationship casually”- that means, you want the security of resting in the belief that a man who loves you now will love you in the future, for a lifetime. It is not okay for you to be loved today, but not tomorrow. You wrote: “I want him (guy friend) to be a part of my life till the end of it”- that is you not taking relationships casually. “And I fear I won’t be able to have him once he gets married”

    You wrote: “I love my husband and living a simple and satisfied life with him,” and “I think I am not physically attracted to my husband anymore but to be specific, I enjoy physical intimacy with him.” Then you wrote: “I think I am in love with two people at a time. And that is pretty much possible. Isn’t it?”

    My answer to your question: you are proof that it is possible to be emotionally attached to two men at the same time, to want the security of their future, lifetime love for you from both men. It is possible to enjoy physical intimacy with one man while desiring physical intimacy with a second man. You are proof that these things are possible.

    Let me know if I understand your situation at this point…?

    anita

     

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