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Difficult time with an absent father

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Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
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  • #39586
    Kyle
    Participant

    Hello all, I am new to the forum and this will be my first post. I have spent many years trying to find inner peace, as a teenager I was an avid meditator and practiced mindfulness in many daily aspects of life. I found myself very content in my life, even though at times it was rather turbulent. Then, with a sudden and explosive argument my parents decided to divorce. Throughout my childhood our family had always been divided, with my mother and brother on one side, and my father and myself on the other. When the divorce came i was initially relieved that the fighting would be over, however when my mother and brother moved out i ceased my meditation and mindfulness practices. My father was not a spiritual or religious man at all but fiercely defended his openly Buddhist son to all of our southern Christian family. Yet, for some reason i could not continue my path after the divorce. Years went by and bitterness and resentment grew inside of me toward my mother and brother to the point that I could no longer even mention their names without feelings of anger. My father was in the same boat, and often stood at the helm, steering us both toward a bitter empty future.
    After several years of these feelings, my father suddenly sprang upon me that he was moving away with his new girlfriend, and I could either go with him or find my own means to survive. Being in college, and with a girlfriend of my own, I could not pick up and move so easily. So I reached out towards my estranged mother who still lived in the area. She took me in and showed me such compassion, that I was moved to return to some of my older ways. My then girlfriend, now wife, also showed me such great amounts of love and understanding that I soon longed for my old path.
    Now, a few years down the line, I am finishing my bachelors degree and living with my amazing wife. I now have a wonderful relationship with all of my family except my father. After he moved away, he became estranged to me and cut off all contact. Even at my wedding he would not stay the whole time and his wife threw a tantrum and they left, I have struggled greatly because I feel deeply betrayed by him, as he was the one person who always had my back as a child. And now he has turned his on me. I have not reached out to him in almost a year and worry not just about our relationship but about him as well. Yet, for some reason i can not bring myself to call, or even send him a text or letter. I feel that I can not move on in my path without overcoming this obstacle. I have tried many times with great difficulty to process this emotion, but its sheer magnitude overwhelms me.

    I am hopeful that some of you can offer me some advice to help me along this path. I am ready to heal and move along, I am just not sure where to start. I know the path is directly in front of me but setting my foot upon it, I am filled with trepidation.

    Thank you all

    Kyle

    #39595
    Matt
    Participant

    Kyle,

    You seem like a very well put together young man, and what you’re going through is very common. Consider that you love your dad and fear your love for you dad. In the past, you said that you closed down somewhat while you lived with him, and that’s normal too.

    Consider regarding the overwhelming feeling as just another feeling. Said differently, courage only arises when fear is present, and it is what moves us to do the thing we’re scared of doing. What if he has now turned that resentment and distance toward you? What if in his mind, you are now just like your mom and brother, an object of scorn? Its possible, even probable! However, remember what happened to your resentment and scorn of your mother when she was compassionate to you. It melted! If he has scorn, it is almost certainly melt-able just like yours.

    If he has scorn and resentment, its just his pain. Parent’s love for their kids goes deep, and I have no doubt that under whatever distance has come up, whatever uncomfortableness is in him that keeps him away, there is a longing in him to hear he is loved from your mouth. Just as you had for your mom!

    Perhaps you could jump and see what happens! Even if it goes poorly and is painful, it will be less painful than the imaginings and unknown you’ve got now.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39597
    Kyle
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your thoughtful response Matt. I really feel like reaching out to him would be the best option, I am just having so much trouble taking that first step. I think the fear of rejection is what prevents me from doing so, but as you said I did not reject my mother; so why would he reject me? And if he does I will have some measure of peace knowing that I did show him compassion, rather than continue in silence.

    Thank you again

    Kyle

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