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Dilema – How much time to i give her

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #146639
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Hi there,

    To give you insight to my dilema i went back to meet an ex just over a week ago that i had dated for 6 months back in 2015. She ended things at the time as timing wasn’t right as a lot of things were going on in our lives back then. Still i was devastated and i don’t think i ever fully recovered whilst learning lots of lessons along they way. Since then i have dated a few people but never felt the same connection in my heart.

    For sometime i wanted to message this ex as i just wanted the opportunity to show her how i had grown as an individual and that i felt timing was a lot different now for us to potentially have a real go at making things work.

    She was happy for me to visit her at her home and we talked for hours and the chemistry was still great with conversations flowing. She openly admitted how refreshing it was to see a more positive character in me which was promising but the difficult part for me is that she said she doesn’t know what she wants right now and doesn’t want to commit to anything.

    I said i was happy to keep things casual for now until she is in a place to decide what she wants. My worry hear is how long do i give it as i don’t want to be strung along if there is no hope but at the same time i know i need to be patient for a while. Since we met back up we have seen each other a few times and have been intimate and the chemistry is great but she has said she doesn’t want me to get too intense in case it doesn’t work out and i get hurt again.

    My thinking is to give her max 6-8 weeks to really decide as i can’t just let things roll on without addressing the issue as it’s not far to me to be strung along. I definitely do not want to be used just for a bit of fun. Granted being intimate is great but for me it should have a purpose too.

    What are people’s thoughts? The other thing is that there is someone else looking to meet up with me and i am torn at the moment. In theory i am single and not in a committed relationship with anyone and as this ex is not sure what she wants yet my mind is telling me i have nothing to lose by meeting the other person and seeing how we get on. I suppose it gives me a back up but at the same time i am not comfortable with the idea of hurting someone if this ex decides she wants to make a real go at things. I have never multi-dated before so i am just a bit uneasy about it.

    #146641
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Whirlwind127,

    Here is my advice:

    Tell her that you are dating other people. And then don’t sleep with her any longer.

    If she wants to be intimate, tell her: “I want to be exclusive if the feeling is mutual.” If she tells you that she doesn’t want to hurt you or wants to keep it casual, again, don’t sleep with her. Say, “You mean too much to me for there to be physical intimacy and nothing more.”

    It will drive her crazy that theoretically she doesn’t want to hurt you, but here you are dating other people and still not sleeping with her.

    It will also be very, very sexy!

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    #146675
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whirlwind147:

    You read like a decent man.

    Your ex state of mind doesn’t read promising to me: she was indecisive/ timing-wasn’t-right in 2015 and still, same. Her indecisiveness or vagueness has been consistent for two years or so.

    I agree that dating a new woman while waiting on the ex will not be fair to the new woman, although meeting with the new woman for a conversation, as possible friends, may be an option (?)

    Did you get details from your ex as to what about the timing wasn’t right in 2015 and what specifically is she considering regarding the relationship at the present time?

    anita

    #146717
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Back in 2015 there were a few issues, i wan’t long out of a marriage and she had just embarked on a college course that was taking up all of her time plus if i am honest i was quite needs and intense.

    The reason i went back and approached her around 10 days ago is my feelings are still strong for her and i have worked in myself to a point where i feel we could have a go at hings now where timing is much better for both of us. She has acknowledged my changed behaviours which is great. I think what’s happened here is that she’s has so many men that’s disappointed her she’s lost faith. She said to me that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and she is quite happy that way at the moment.

    She was happy for us to be casual for a bit whilst she works out what she wants etc but the lack of commitment worries me is she just using me for intimacy basically. The chemistry has been great but i can’t help but feel is it all ‘not real’. My mind is saying give her time to work it out but at the same time i am not prepared to held to ransom for months and months. Granted its only 10 days but i’m thinking 4-6 weeks is more than enough time for her to decide. At the same time this new person has got in touch and is very keen to meet me and i am edging to cut my losses and meet her this Friday just to see what we think of each other. Whilst the ex is indecisive then my thoughts right now is i have nothing to lose as effectively i am single and not committed to anyone. I like the idea of Inky of telling the ex whilst she is deciding i will continue dating but that may well only hurt my chances of making it up with her. I am just not comfortable with the ‘I don’t know what i want’ is that a cop out? Scared of commitment etc? I really do love the woman but this indecision has made me turn a little towards is she really worth it.

    #146727
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whirlwind147:

    Problem is that the current casual relationship with her is not okay with you, doesn’t agree with you, so how can you make it through 4-6 weeks?

    Why don’t you stop the sexual relationship with her? Tell her what Inky suggested you tell her. Then go on the date Friday.

    anita

    #146785
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Anita i think you are spot on. Its partly my fault because i agreed and said i was quite happy to take things slow and casual to begin with as i wanted any opportunity to try and make a go of things but now i maybe regret that having spent time with her. Now I am left with being in limbo about what is going to happen, is she genuinely hoping it works out or using me for a bit of fun.

    I did challenge her last week to ask if it was monogamous and she said definitely which is encouraging, however i am not convinced if i am honest whether she see’s this long term. For example last week i ended up seeing her two children again and we spent a few hours together which was great fun but she then said the next day she regretted it and for the time being to come over when the kids are in bed as she doesn’t want them getting attached if it doesn’t work out. I completely understand that point of view but why do it in the first place. Also she said last week she doesn’t want things happening too soon all over again and don’t assume we will definitely get back together etc so that i don’t get hurt and so on. I get that but what concerns me is that’s all negative talk rather than a positive. She is either being genuine playing things out a few weeks to see how she feels or just happy having fun and i have to set my own boundaries now.

    It’s sort of made me lose a bit of respect for her if i am honest as she is a strong character generally who knows what she wants and i think its a fear because she has had a lot of poor relationships in the past. I often think could it always be the male that is the reason or is it her patterns that effect her previous relationships. She knows that she would be letting a very good guy go who really does care for her but i wouldn’t be surprised at this point if she rejects me again. In the meantime i am not getting my hopes up and will meet this new person on Friday.

    #146801
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whirlwind:

    Regarding the woman this thread is about, the mother of the two children: one thing is clear to me, which is a mismatch with your values: she is okay with having an ongoing sexual relationship with a man casually, without the context of a committed relationship.

    You are not okay with such, but she is okay with it.

    You wrote: “Its partly my fault because i agreed and said i was quite happy to take things slow and casual to begin with …now i maybe regret that”- it is okay, Whirlwind, for a person to change their mind. You thought you could handle a casual relationship but then you found out, through the actual experience of a casual relationship that you cannot handle it well.

    We learn through experience. Now you know and you can let her know: I thought I was okay with a casual relationship but I found out, through the experience of it, that I am not okay with it.

    * She had you spend time with her kids then she regretted it, same principle: she learned through experience that it is not a good idea. She too is allowed to change her mind.

    We learn through experience, and as we learn we abandon what we thought before to be so and think anew, incorporating new experience.

    I think it is a good idea for you to go on that date. The relationship with this woman doesn’t read promising to me, not so far. Reads to me that if you continue with the casual sexual relationship with her you will hurt yourself by not being true to yourself, and you will not promote the chances of this relationship becoming one of commitment.

    anita

     

     

    #147211
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Hey anita,

    So i went on that date today and she was great. We have similar values, conversations flowed and want to meet up again.

    Given the fact there is no commitment coming from this ex i am going to follow people’s advice here and stick to my values and tell her it’s not what i want.

    Does the following sound ok as a message? I haven’t heard off her for 4 days which says a lot anyway.

     

    Hi ……..,

    I hope you’ve had a good week.

    I have been thinking a lot about the situation with us the last few days and if I’m honest, as much as i thought i was ok with being casual I’ve learnt through the experience that I’m not in truth.

    I’m finding it very difficult to not get attached from being intimate with you when in reality there is no commitment.

    Given that you’re at a stage in your life where you are unsure of what you want and cannot commit to anything, i feel its best to leave things for the time being until you have clarity on what you want.

    I am very grateful for you taking the time to listen to me over the last few weeks and spending time together. I just don’t want to risk getting hurt again which is very possible in the current situation and I’ve learnt i need to have commitment.

    I am here anytime if you want to talk and if your current situation changes.

    ………………………………………………………

     

    #147247
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whirlwind147:

    I am glad your date went well and that there seems to be a match in values!

    I like your message to her very much. It is honest, clear, straightforward; true to yourself. One suggestion regarding 4th paragraph: delete the “until you have clarity on what you want.” and so,  end it with “i feel its best to leave things for the time being.”  Your last line is an invitation-enough for her to contact you in the future.

    “Until you have clarity…” suggests she will have clarity one day (she may not) and it suggests she has the power- once she gets clarity, all she has to do is let you know and you will be automatically available for her (I hope not).

    Post again if you need more of my input.

    anita

    #147251
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t submit properly…

    #147599
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So i eventually sent the message yesterday to this ex and she did respond understanding but also listed how she wanted to build things etc. By this point i had to make a decision and told her i just needed time to work on myself rather than saying there was someine else. Feel a bit guilty but i know this other person is a better match to my values and is a better prospect all round. I feel a bit silly going back to this ex and then 2 weeks later ending things but i didn’t really feel the same and i suppose we learn through experience as its the first time I’ve tried going back to an ex. I just didnt feel i could trust her having been so vague about what she wanted and felt she would likely break me again.

    A lesson from a quote i once read “never go back to what broke you”. Thanks for your support anita and hopefully time will tell if i made the right call. Right now it feels so.

    #147659
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Whirlwind147:

    You are very welcome.

    You made the right choice because you were true to yourself. I don’t think that the future will tell if you made the right choice. If we had to wait for the future to retroactively make our choices right or wrong, that would be an ineffective way to live, as we have to choose in the present, and we cannot predict the future that will follow this choice vs that choice.

    You chose to have a relationship with your ex, agreed to a casual one, found out it is incongruent with who you are, with your values, and you did the right thing and ended it

    Please be gentle and kind to yourself as you learn from experience. You can’t be perfect. No one can. Here is another quote: “To err is human.”

    anita

     

     

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