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Divorced and just found out I was pregnant

HomeForumsTough TimesDivorced and just found out I was pregnant

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #82285
    Blanca
    Participant

    Hello,

    So I recently got divorced and found out 3 weeks after that I’m pregnant with my ex-husband’s child. I was told I was 6 weeks pregnant. We love each other but are much better apart. His religious convictions have grown stronger over the years and I couldnt take it anymore. He’s extremely strict in his religion with me but not as much with others. I could only imagine how much worse it would be if I end up having the baby. We are already having fights over how the baby will be raised. My family hates him and will probably not support my decision to have this child because of the father. I was kind of relieved to be divorced and was scared but looking forward to starting over. Now my ex wants to move closeby and be around for the child. He’s not reliable financially since his other promises have always failed so I can’t trust that he’ll always give child support. I’m 33 years old with no children. I’ve always wanted a family but the idea of being a single mom has always been very scary to me. After reading of others having an abortion it almost seems like my way to go since it’ll be difficult to raise this child completely on my own, maintain a home, and fight constantly with the father over how the child will be raised. Not to mention the lack of support I’d get from my family. I’m so torn over what to do. I feel the Catholic guilt over getting an abortion but dont know how I can do it on my own.

    #82292
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blancarocio:

    i do hope you choose to get an abortion. It seems to me it would be by far the best decision you can make in these circumstances, not only for your own good but for the good of the child that will not be brought into this unfortunate circumstances. The chances will be stacked against this child with an unreliable, strict-crazy father and a struggling single mother.

    the fact that your ex husband has been way more strict with you, religiously, than with others means to me that he is more forceful with those he perceives weaker than him, you, that is, and if you give birth to this child- well, he will be most forceful with this child who he will be extremely weak and dependent on him emotionally. He will treat this child as his property to do as he please and to make up for his failures in his relationship with you and with others.

    Will you be able to carry the guilt of bringing an innocent child into suffering? The people who will be telling you that it is “the right thing” to give birth to this child, that it is.. the wrong thing to get an abortion, will not be there for the child who will be struggling- unsuccessfully- against a strict father who can’t wait to have power over a defenseless child.

    Do what is right for this unborn child. Have mercy on him- or her.

    To avoid problems, I think it may be wise to get an abortion and tell others it was a miscarriage. (second best after the better idea- to not have told the ex you are pregnant to begin with).

    Best to you-

    anita

    #82330
    Sal
    Participant

    Dear Blancaracio:
    You know within your heart what you must do. You are justifying the reasons why you SHOULD NOT have this child, and you should not have to justify a reason for your decison. I too was in your situation years ago. I had my daughter and raised her on my own. It was not easy and support was unstable. But I did it, earned 2 college degrees and own my own business. Being a parent is the hardest job in this world, with or without a partner. My daughter serves this country and I could not be more proud of her. My name is the only name on her birth certificate. She does not know her father and I believe in my heart that she is here for an amazing purpose. A child will teach you the best love ever- unconditional love. You already know you x-husband will not be supportive. You do not have to keep him in your lives. Terminate all communications now and build stronger relationship with your family that you know will be there for you. This is about you and the baby.
    There are no answers here, only choices.
    I know you will make the right decision. Don’t be afraid.

    All the best
    SAL

    #82351
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello,

    I am sorry that things are so hard right now. A month ago, I made a choice too though my reasons were different – I did have a supportive bf but i am just 23, in our society its taboo out of wedlock and i had no plans of marriage until the next 4-5 years atleast. Some people may disagree with my decision. Sometimes i wonder too about what would happen if i did otherwise. All i know is that I just didnt want to bring a child into this world without being in a position to raise it to my fullest capacity. I wanted my kid to grow up in a happy home with a father, grandparents and the whole family experience. I didnt want them to feel like an outcast ever. I wanted them to have a mom who was really right in the head and had her shit together. Right now, i am not there yet.

    One of my best friends has had strong catholic influences since she was a child and she told me that the rights of the mother matter too. Its crueler to bring a child in a world and you cant raise them in a loving, hospitable environment.

    In the end though, the whole point is, it is really up to you. As the mother, you have the final say about whether you want to keep it or not. Whatever you do, please do it quickly.

    Regards,
    Moon

    #82352
    Blanca
    Participant

    Thanks. I am more afraid of when the baby comes out. The father will force himself to be around while making up excuses of why he can ex’t afford to give me money. He wants to take him to his religion. While I would want my child to see his father, I do not want him being raised under the hate that my ex-husband tends to have. Its more about the father’s negative influence (religion) on the child. I dont think I can control that and raise a child on my own.

    #82429
    Gail
    Participant

    Sorry you are going through this, it sounds like the pregnancy has come at a difficult time. Although time is of the essence, I do think you need to take the time to consider all the options before making a decision. Are you able to see a counsellor to talk things through? Sometimes it helps to discuss things with someone neutral, not to take advice, but as a way of looking at your own feelings more closely. There are a lot of resources online which can help too, though not all are neutral, unfortunately the issue is so politicised. When you are feeling vulnerable it is easy to be swayed one way or the other by the opinions of others and I would ask yourself what you want to do in your heart of hearts. Some women do regret making this choice, even many years later, (a close friend of mine 32 years later still wishes she could turn the clock back). So you need to be 100% certain it is what you want to do. Wishing you well whatever the outcome is.

    #82439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear blancarocio:

    I agree: you will not be able to keep the father away from the child. The father, as you describe him, will be very motivated to exert his power, his influence over a weak, easily influenced, eager to please (his father, any father it may be). It will be a disaster for the child.

    Although there is a small chance that the child will grow up to be healthy or productive or both (let’s say someone positive and capable enter your lives that will make such a great difference)- it is a very, very small chance. For every such one child there are thousands of children who will grow up to be miserable.

    There is always an exception to the rule. Please don’t make a choice based on a hoped-for exception. Most likely, 99% or so, this will be bad for the child. Not to mention, bad for you. But my main concern is the well being of the innocent child.

    anita

    #82907
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hate to mention this but you were intimate with your ex-husband a few weeks before the divorce ??

    Anyway, done is done !

    I agree with most above – think of the child and YOUR own future.

    People preach religion easily to others but it is very difficult to raise a child as a single mother – it will change your world permanently – that is the hard reality of life.

    GOD bless !!

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