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Doomed from the Start with a Friend

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  • #75988
    Steph
    Participant

    Hey Everyone. Just need some advice right now. It is hard to share with my friend group since it involves a friend.

    I had sex with a close friend after a drunk night. A friend of 5 years+ and one that I have thought about asking out on a date on and off for 3+ years. We have similar interests and life goals and under different circumstances this felt right. I have let my personal problems with confidence and other issues drag on for way to long and it became evident when I couldn’t show feelings, touch her, flirt with her and connect with her once the “sex” tag was out there. I clammed up, became needy, enter here a list of generic infatuation problems. When I couldn’t do those things with a friend, I knew I needed to seek professional help for these problems and am in no state to date anytime soon. For me that is Step 1! I should have done that years ago in order to pursue healthy relationships.

    Her and I finally had the discussion about us a few days ago and we joked about how bad that went and attraction was lost on both sides. All good things right now. She shared she was hoping this could work out and initially had feelings but we didn’t talk or connect and I suggested we needed to go back to some one on one friend hangouts and get to know each other again. Over the past 4 weeks it was just group hangouts and group drinking. She agreed. And I told her I needed some time to sort things out. For me this is Step 2.

    My fear is that this was it, the opportunity with this girl his over due to me not addressing my problems sooner. The side she saw was my worst. Did I shoot myself in the foot?

    After some “me time” over the next few weeks, I am speaking to a psychiatrist about my on-going problems, and when I am ready to put myself out there, build that bridge and talk to girls again, etc, how do I reconnect with her? I feel like this was a wrong time, wrong place type of thing, or we will go back to friends and that is that. If girls issued redo cards, I would cash this one in, remove the drunk sex, and ask her our on a real date.

    Some direction would be helpful and appreciative for the time being.

    Thanks,

    #76003
    jazflo
    Participant

    Hi, not sure why you think that having sex with her was bad? I don’t think there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way of starting a relationship. I personally have met people who didn’t know each other at all, had a one-night-stand and ended up having a good long-term relationship. I also know people whi did things in the ‘traditional’ way, and are no longer together. On the other hand, not sure if I understand properly, but did you mention things went ‘bad’? as in bad sex? that’s not a problem either! We have all had bad sex and good sex, and it can happen with the same person.. that just happens! and I don’t think that is grounds to immediately discard someone (ps. I’m a woman). I think it all depends on how much you like this girl in particular, but if (as she told you) the feeling is mutual, I would just relax and I can assure you soon there will come a right time for you and her to just hang out alone. In brief, I don’t think you screwed up AND I think there is still a good chance to get her if you really want 🙂

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