Anita,

Thank you for your response. I have talked with my spouse about blame and guilt, but she reassures me often that I’m not to blame and shouldn’t feel guilty unless I’ve actually done something. Your point about being in close proximity struck a chord with me though. We do spend every moment together, and lately I feel as though we’ve both begun to “nag” more. I know I should have a conversation with my spouse to find out why this is. It’s just difficult when I’ve been so trapped inside myself. I feel biased and perhaps a little entitled.

I know you are absolutely right about the attacker being the voice in my head. I am trying to quell this voice and practice more self love.

Anita,

I always felt that my time at work was supposed to count as time away from my spouse. Maybe I’ve been wrong thinking that. I don’t feel refreshed very often, that’s for sure.

The comment about feeling biased and entitled is about my inner monologue when I am trapped in myself. I tend to have a strong split in my thinking between focusing on how awful I am and focusing on how much I feel I deserve to be pampered or given affection. Not that my spouse is not affectionate, but for all the times I apologize needlessly she seems to hold back apologies. So I feel that I either am entitled to all those apologies and affection, or I am just a horrible person and I brought everything on myself. I think this split is one of the biggest struggles that I deal with. I feel as though I’m always on one extreme or another of everything. Like being overly dramatic or just being empty, I can’t seem to find a healthy balance.

I don’t feel that my guilty feelings are from the family being disapproving. I know that I was taught guilt as a child. My childhood was a breeding ground for low self-esteem. But their disapproval of my life doesn’t make me feel guilty so much as I feel rebellious and just a little bit sad. I never feel guilty for loving my spouse, just sad for people who choose to judge us for it.

Anita,

Well, I would start with being from a broken family. My parents divorced when I was about 5-6 and it was ugly. My mother then took me to the other side of the country for a trip, and I was sexually assaulted during the trip. No one talked to me about it or even acknowledged that it happened. After that, my mother cut off contact with me until I was 18. In between that time I was assaulted again by 3 people in my “family” at the time. (They were all step-family but my father is no longer married to the same woman.) The biggest incident I remember was when I was 8-9, and again– no one talked to me about what happened. No legal action was taken, so I started to think I was doing something to bring this on myself.

During high school I had insomnia and couldn’t sleep on a regular schedule. My parents (meaning my father and his current wife) would just get mad at me for being late. I never got help. I also never had a serious conversation about depression or sexuality. I nearly killed myself in our kitchen after an altercation with my step-mother while my father was out of state. I watched my step-brother deal drugs and overdose on meth nearly dying, but again no one explained it to me. My step-sister was promiscuous and nearly “threw me to the wolves” one night when one of her boyfriends friends started to ask if I was “experienced.” I feel I never really had a lot of support, even though I was practically screaming for it. I passed all my classes and even played sports, but I was still ignored while my step-siblings where held on a pedestal. I would be teased, reprimanded for reading “too much,” and even for getting sick. Though I know my father loves me, he was never very good at showing it. Or standing up for me or my dreams.

I feel like I may have rambled, but that is most of what I can remember.

I have no problem answer questions.

I work with my father. I would say that our relationship is fairly distant, but we do love each other. He keeps excessively busy, so seeing him out of work is not that likely (unless I want to drive 7 hours for a camping trip.) He doesn’t talk too much as is, but I think we get along most of the time. He has a bad habit of speaking condescendingly, so as long as that doesn’t happen we can talk okay.

As for my mother, I sent her a single reply when she contacted me at 18. I told her she’d have to work at a relationship with me after being gone for so long. She never said anything back. It was more dejecting than I thought it would be, honestly. I grew up knowing that she made the decision to leave me, so I had resented her a bit. Yet I felt so sad that she would just turn away from me again.

Previous step family I have almost zero contact, except with one person who I also work with. It’s incredibly hard when he mentions his cousin who assaulted me. I want to be physically sick when it happens. My father has never stopped him from mentioning my attacker. I’ve never spoken up either though.

Anita,

I do not say anything when it’s mentioned. I keep my head down and try to look busy. I think this cousin must know, as the whole family seemed to hear of it. So much that our “NEW” family that my father is married to now even knew of what happened to me.

My father definitely knows what happened with the cousin (who was my step-brother at the time) I have had one talk with my father about the whole situation. We had  along road trip so I finally asked: “why didn’t you say anything or do anything when it happened?” I was about 18 by this time. His answer was fairly heartbreaking, I think. He explained that he didn’t know what to do because not only had he failed at protecting me, he failed at trying to help my attacker make better decisions. He was my step-brother at the time, so my father had been trying to be a positive role model.

I don’t know if all of this is a part of (or the whole reason) that I feel so imbalanced and lost. I felt like I had dealt with it all and made peace about a year ago.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Kate.