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Emotionally confused

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Ronnie Ronnie 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #124733
    Profile photo of Ronnie
    Ronnie
    Participant

    I found this site because I got on my knees asking God for help with my emotions; my sense of belonging. I have a deep need for compassion but this is not the time for me to get a dog or a cat. I am the only girl out of three boys. Even at the age of 50, my dad makes sure that I have everything that I ever want or need. If I get sick, I retreat to my dad’s house; he makes sure I want for nothing. The contractor that I am dating, brings me breakfast in bed every morning, cooks dinner and will get me whatever I want.

    Then why do I feel emotionally unstable?

    In Sept 2015, I left my husband after 16 years. He was uncaring and I was his very last priority. The last incident caused me to cry while driving two hours back to DC.
    I own a small business in DC and one of the contractors that worked for my business asked me out on a date. I accepted his offer to go dancing and we have been dating every since. In 2016, I left DC to go to graduate school in Boston. I don’t particularly like driving long distance so the contractor drove me to Boston and paid for my housing for three months.

    Last year, the contractor (owns a small business) decided he wanted to continue his career, so he moved to Boston and started school as well. He smokes weed and drinks a glass of wine daily. As for the weed, he goes outside or waits until I leave to indulge in his habits. The worst habit is he calls his dad, mom or sisters in Nigeria everyday. I can’t understand what he is saying, but they like to talk to me on the phone.

    I went through his phone once and noticed he was talking to a female online about sex. I asked him to leave, so he slept in the car and on the floor until we could sought things out. This was around my birthday. When I questioned him about the female, he said: “it was because we were having problems.” I’ve checked his phone several times since but I haven’t found anything. Of course, I still don’t trust him.
    I try to have standards; like no sex or no full intercourse before marriage.
    He brought me an engagement ring, but I took it off in the midst of confusion. I’ve filled for a divorce from my husband three times; my husband wouldn’t sign the papers and the last time I could not make it to court. My husband calls me every day apologizing. I told him “I live with someone and reconciliation would be impossible.” He keeps saying “he can forgive me and he’s not giving up on the marriage.”
    The contractor is from Nigeria; he had eight wives. He said, “he brings women from Nigeria, and they leave him.” He has three girls in America that he never talks too. But a son and daughter in Nigeria that he speaks too on a regular basis.
    He has been in Nigeria for six weeks, we video chat and talk throughout the day and night. He said, “He is building a house for our retirement.” I don’t know the future, but I don’t plan on living in another country. Honestly, he didn’t answer the phone one night, and I flipped. After I had spoken with him, I was all right. That’s when I realized that I needed to address my emotions.

    I love the contractor but feel like I’m in an unknown tunnel and I don’t know which way to go…

    #124736
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear learnmore:

    Reads to me like the contractor is not monogamous, having had multiple wives- that was his life and his culture, I understand. And there was that woman online. If you need a monogamous relationship, this is a concern, isn’t it?

    Did you talk to him about it, his past with multiple women and his vision in this regard for his relationship with you?

    The fact that he brings you breakfast to bed, cooks and is generous with you is wonderful. But if you need a monogamous man and he is not- it is a real problem for you.

    anita

    #124812
    Profile photo of XenopusTex
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    In the immortal words of Monty Python… “Run away.”

    Drug use is a bad sign, and the first sign that fleeing is probably best.

    The polygamy is well, um, uh… a cultural thing as Anita said. Women are chattel in that culture. It’s not politically correct to say, but it’s the truth. You really want to be wife #12 or something?

    #124841
    Profile photo of Nina Sakura
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Run, run, run and run far away unless you want to be wife number 9 or 12 or whichever. Do you think he will stop after you? Sure he is nice to you now but how can you be sure about a man who has already had 8 wives and happens to be from a very patriarchal culture?

    You aren’t just gonna be with him. In the end, you get tied to his family too. So that dream solution of only staying here and never going to Nigeria…well trust me, it ain’t that simple.

    Are you willing to adapt to such a culture so that you feel more stable after a 16 year old marriage ended? I dunno if this is worth it to feel less lonely.

    And again, totally agree with Xenopous for a change – the drugs, the multiple wives, online women – these aren’t good signs.

    #124843
    Profile photo of Ronnie
    Ronnie
    Participant

    A big “Thank you” to everyone for their thoughts and comments. I have a better understanding of my current position, and I’ve started the process of moving on with my life with-out him.

    What are some ways for people to find completeness within themselves? I made a list of things that I like to do that make me happy, I’m advancing my career but there’s still this emotional emptiness that seems to be pulling on my soul. When I’m at home, I can get on my knees and pray;which really helps but when I’m at work, I can’t. If I can solve the sense of belonging, I would be well on my way to healing.

    Any suggestions?

    #124846
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear learnmore:

    It is my understanding, from my experience and from learning about others’, that “this emotional emptiness” you are referring to is that aloneness we experienced as children, an aloneness that means danger for a child (as for any young mammal separated from its mother, finding itself unprotected from danger, uncomforted by touch). When experiencing that separation from that loving contact, day in and day out, fear (anxiety) builds up and is experienced throughout adulthood, on and off, lightly and intensely.

    If what I wrote here speaks to you, let me know, and we can communicate further.

    anita

    #124850
    Profile photo of Nina Sakura
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear learn more

    This feeling you describe – what’s its like really? A sense of feeling disconnected from people, an uneasiness about yourself and life? What’s it like and what kind of thoughts do you get? Is there a particular occasion when you feel more in this state?

    Regards
    Nina

    #124877
    Profile photo of Ronnie
    Ronnie
    Participant

    It’s like I belong somewhere, but I don’t know where. I smile and connect easily with people. But when I’m alone; I’m longing for compassion, for someone to want me. I have challenges with being by myself. I have a home but moved into my dad’s home for company.

    I’m the only girl with three brothers. I grew up with both parents. My dad was very protective and caring of me; my mom’s dad was not in her life; therefore she didn’t understand my relationship with my dad. They have since divorced. My mom stopped talking to me about ten years ago and refuse to invite me to any family functions.

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