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Empty Inside. Future bleak.

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  • #110581
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Hello everyone,

    I have been experiencing a spiritual awakening since 2013 and I am caught between two worlds (hence my username). I now feel completely dead inside and I can’t see a future for myself or for any of us on this planet. I have reason to believe that the situation on Earth is extremely serious indeed. Last summer (2015) I felt strongly within myself that it would be our last summer of normality. And sure enough, as I type this in the summer of 2016, Europe is in turmoil, both from the shock of the Brexit vote and the almost daily round of terror attacks. (I believe ‘dark forces’ are trying to de-stabilize Germany and France.) I can’t watch the news now, because every day brings new horrors. But I can’t focus on beautiful things either. I am a musician and a composer, but I just don’t feel like playing nor writing music. If death was the end and I hadn’t seen the reality of ‘the otherworld’, I would have committed suicide by now. Because I have this yawning emptiness inside, like a hunger that can’t be sated.
    The world has changed. The world I was familiar with died with the extinguishing of the Olympic flame in 2012. What has happened to me since then has been, for the most part, horrible. I had a spontaneous and unbidden Kundalini awakening, brought on I suspect, by deep personal trauma. I didn’t do yoga, and wasn’t interested in Eastern mysticism (I am from a Catholic tradition) but it still happened to me. I don’t know what to do. I want the old days back, but they are gone forever. Since last summer, my brother nearly died and is slowly drifting away from us thanks to his partner, one of our dogs died and the others seem to be grieving for it, and my mother and I take it in turns to have violent stomach pains and occasional bouts of vomiting, headaches and weakness. I feel like an empty shell today. I just feel dead.

    Please help, I don’t know what to do.

    #110587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tannhauser:

    I read your post and would like to understand it better. For that purpose:

    1. Can you explain what you mean in: “I believe ‘dark forces’ are trying to de-stabilize Germany and France.”- Are you referring to the individuals responsible for the terror attacks or some other forces?

    2. You wrote: “If death was the end and I hadn’t seen the reality of ‘the otherworld’, I would have committed suicide by now.” What “otherworld” are you referring to?

    3. What happened when the Olympic flame was extinguished in 2012? What was life for you before that flame was extinguished? Then what happened in 2012?

    anita

    #110590
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Hello Anita, and thanks for responding.

    1. I am referring to a co-ordinated campaign by people ‘behind the scenes’. The abuse of women in Cologne on New Year’s Eve appears to have been co-ordinated. Some eye-witness accounts stated that there were men in suits giving out orders to the attackers.
    2. I am referring to a ‘spiritual realm’. I have felt its refreshing air on my face. It is more real than this existence, and I have seen things which defy logic.
    3. The Mayans stated that the old era would end in 2012. They were correct. We are now in a transitional period, a ‘dark age’, as the Kali Yuga says. A ‘new earth’ is going to be created. Those ‘dark people’ behind the scenes know this, and they are trying to create as much negative energy as possible. Their plan was put into motion on the 23rd September 2015.

    Best wishes.

    #110594
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tannhauser:

    You are welcome. Next is the fist sentence of your original post followed by the last few sentences of the same post:

    “I have been experiencing a spiritual awakening since 2013… I feel like an empty shell today. I just feel dead. Please help, I don’t know what to do.”

    This is what I think happened. It is probably not all that happened, but I believe it is part of what happened to you:

    Your awakening meant you felt a whole lot more than you used to feel, wonderful things, exciting things but with those feelings awakening, your anxiety (excess, ongoing fear) intensified. And this is why you experience: “violent stomach pains and occasional bouts of vomiting, headaches and weakness.”

    Your body and brain reacted to the intensified anxiety by shutting down, hence the feeling of being dead inside.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #110666
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Dear Anita,

    Many thanks for your comments. I have had further violent stomach pains this morning. They seem to occur on days when I am due to be amongst other people. Last time I got these pains was on Sunday morning when I was due to attend Mass (I am a church organist). Today the pains have come back again and, ‘coincidentally’, this evening I am taking part in a music session in a nearby village pub. I don’t know if you have heard of a lady called Dolores Cannon? She died a few years back, but she has written some books and you can see her on You Tube. She said that some of us are not from Earth but have ‘incarnated’ from other planets (not in this dimension) to effectively be human conductors/grounding rods of divine energy. She said such people’s ‘roles’ are to be amongst other people to spread this energy to them and raise their level of consciousness. She said these incarnations were a direct result of the dropping of the atom bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki; basically, we now have the means to destroy our own planet. I thought Dolores was as mad as a box of frogs, but what she said now resonates with me more and more. These stomach pains I get are from energies that are entering my head (shortly after birth my brain expanded abnormally). A few weeks ago in the pub, the energies were so intense that they penetrated my bones and were very painful. From a very strange experience I had, and from the great deal of research I have put in, I have discovered that the planet Neptune features prominently in my life. Neptune is closely related to my star sign, Cancer.

    You may think I am mad, that my mental cheese is sliding off its cracker. I only wish that were true, because it could be fixed with medication.

    Best wishes.

    #110693
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tannhauser:

    You wrote that you used to think that Delores Cannon was mad, and in the last two lines you wrote that I may think that you are mad. My question to you is: how sure are you about you having been incarnated from another planet, Neptune and being a human conductor, a grounding rod of divine energy; that your brain as a baby expanded abnormally with that energy?

    How sure are you? Do you have doubts?

    anita

    #110708
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Tannhauser,

    I have gone through similar experiences are you. I think I may be able to help you with some of your questions.

    I have also experience the numb detachment inside. I have read it is actually a sign you may be getting closer to your purpose in life. Find that purpose and I think things will get better.

    It sounds from your description of your path that one of your purposes may be to help people heal. I have read many healers undergo deep personal trauma in their youth. Google “healer”. I think I may be a healer, too. I personally have found that when I focus on trying to help others with no thought of a reward I have undergone the most positive change in my life. Try to stay present-minded as much as possible to help with your mental well-being. I have heard when our mind wanders we are always making ourselves unhappier.

    Trust me when I tell you that there is hope. They say one of the best indicators of greatness is one’s ability to endure suffering. Hang in there. Let people into your life who can help.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Mark.
    #110753
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Thank you Anita and Mark


    @Anita
    : Of course I have doubts. I am as unsure of my place in the world now as I was before all this started. With regards to Neptune, I was staring at the fire last March when I suddenly saw the 1111 numerology. It was like a portal had been opened up into another realm or dimension. Then I saw the logs next to the fire and counted 11 of them. Then I saw the long handled three-pronged iron fork on the other side and discovered that both the number eleven and the trident are associated with the Roman god Neptune. For a while I actually thought I was Neptune reincarnated, but now I believe it is all to do with evolution, the ultimate aim of which is to produce the Mahdi or ‘initiated one’. We are all descendants of the waters, and our task is to remember this fact. We started out as fish, which is why Dagon is depicted as half man-half fish. (I do not believe it is some sort of ceremonial garb he is wearing). Neptune is depicted rising out of the waters. He is depicted being welcomed back into Heaven. He remembered where he really came from.

    You say to me “am I sure?” The answer is no, I am not, these experiences keep changing. What I am absolutely certain of, is that I am under the influence of something supernatural.


    @Mark
    : the emptiness is awful, and it is causing problems with my eyesight and sense of taste. I can’t bear it, it is like a hunger. I am not a healer. In one rather sad and pathetic episode I tried to ‘heal’ our sick dog. I tried to ‘invoke the violet flame’ and make her well. I REALLY tried. But in the end we had to take her to the vets, and three days later she died. So I don’t see any point to all this. In fact, I don’t know why this has been imposed upon me. I can’t talk about it to people, they just don’t understand and actually tell me I am holding too much knowledge which will make my brain explode. I am a musician, but I was one before all this started. With the emptiness comes something even worse: de-realization. Life feels dead. There’s no fun any more. So I do not understand why this has happened. Has the Universe got it in for me? I spent 2006-2012 on dialysis. When I got a transplant, I hoped that my luck would change, because I felt I deserved some happiness. But instead my life has got worse. I can bring nothing to this world. I am living on benefits and take a plethora of tablets each day for several different medical conditions (none are for mental problems or depression). Please tell me Mark how I have a purpose? How do I have a stake in this life? I am on the margins of society.

    You talk about mental well-being. I tell you, I have had to employ an iron will to avoid falling into the clutches of the mental health profession. I have been displaying bi-polar behavior for the past three years. But I didn’t go to the doctors with it because they will probably be unable to give me medication due to the immuno-suppressants and kidney medication I am on. But I know I am not mad. I am under the influence of a supernatural force. I have given up ‘praying to God’ because I get no answers. Praying to the Universe yields the same results. There is just a wall of silence. It has got me trapped. It’s like I am yelling and banging on toughened, soundproofed glass. It’s so easy for you to dismiss my comments as the ramblings of a mentally-disturbed man.

    You talk about hope. I have none. You talk about enduring suffering. I have endured too much of it. And why does it make me great? I have no choice in the matter. Greatness happens out of one’s choice to do something. No one can help me. I spoke to my parish priest about it and he was hopeless; the first time he humoured me and the second time he dismissed me with a ‘keep calm and carry on’ spiel.

    I just want my old life back. This is going nowhere and is achieving nothing except to cause me great distress.

    Best wishes.

    #110769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tannhauser:

    You wrote: “What I am absolutely certain of, is that I am under the influence of something supernatural”

    I have a different belief: I believe that you are under the influences of nature. The symptoms you described, including the derealization are congruent with intense anxiety. Your kidney failure, transplant, the medications you have to take, the limited lifestyle as a result, all these are part causes of your anxiety. There was probably anxiety even before all that. I believe it is the anxiety that needs to be attended to.

    The answers, I believe, are not in numerology or mythologies, or in the supernatural, but in the very natural. At the least, I am suggesting, attend to the natural before you attend to the supernatural. Hope you post again.

    anita

    #110816
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Tannhauser,

    I’m so sorry you have gone through so much. I don’t share the same supernatural beliefs as you so I am not sure what advice to offer you except that our attitude toward our suffering can make it even worse. Just waking up each day and playing your music might be your purpose. Try to surround yourself with as many positive people and influences as you can and appreciate every ounce of pleasure in this life. I think you should talk to someone beside your parish priest with more experience with these types of issues.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Mark.
    #110835

    Dear beautiful angel, you are here for a reason. The purpose of hour life is to unlock it and help others. You are meant to be happy and you deserve Happiness. The reason why you pprayed to God and the universe buy God nothing is because you need to stay psotivir and have faith. There are miraxles in everydya life, from getting up, eating food, laughing, smiling, singing, and about a billion other reasons to keep going. Do anything that makes you feel joy inspiration or happiness. Just focus on you its your life time to fall in love with it and get that spark again. You have the power to do just that. Whatever you enjoy it will become your passion and this time in your life will help u grow as a person and discover the endless possibilities of life and your future<E you must keep believing in the good of the world. The news shows the bad stuff going on is what it feels but that is because you focus on the stuff that scares you or what is going on.you must remember there are still plenty people who are kind and safe. To have hope and see and be the good in the world
    Be the good too <3 don’t give up hope ever and do your best to stay positive your body loves you so much and is working so hard to make you ride everydya in the beautiful journey called LIFE <3 whatver spiritual journey you feel you can still feel happy and high on life. Natural happiness from life. From joy and laughter. Sometimes your brain tricks you so maybe this spiritually feeling is temporary. If it’s bad bad things go awya I promise. Don’t let anythin stop you from being happy livign your life. Every day you can choose to have a smile or a frown live your life or watch the day pass by. You need to do this for yourseld. Keep going don’t look back and focus on the good smile laugh more love more have loved ones support you talk to other people see and focus on what is going right and how lucky YOU ARE and give back if you can <3 your story can help others and thank you so much for existing your beautiful soul! I BELIEVE IN YOU KEEP GOING! YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON. THERES SO MUCH beauty IN this WORLD STILL. there will always be good people and you will always be one of them<3

    #110849
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Thank you for trying to help,

    I try to stay positive and I try to keep going. I try to play and compose music every day. But I cannot bear this emptiness inside me. It is horrible. These experiences have left me shattered and depressed. I see goodness crushed on a daily basis. When I go for a walk I feed the swans on the canal. The swans had two cygnets and it was a joy watching them grow up. This morning I discovered that one of them is missing and its sibling has a wounded leg. Someone had evidently allowed their dog to attack them. All the positive things I had done to help them to grow and be healthy were cancelled out in a second. Positivity is easily overcome. Negativity is the stronger force, and you can blame our ‘wonderful’ Creator for that, for he allowed it.

    You still see the world through rose-tinted spectacles. Wait until you reach my level of consciousness and you will realise just how disgusting, vile and brutal this planet is. You just won’t want to live on it anymore. You won’t see the point in it. You won’t see much point in praying anymore to a Creator who made a conscious decision to allow his planet to be over-run by evil. Some might see this existence as some sort of piety pissing contest. I don’t. I see it as Hell. We shouldn’t fear ‘Hell’ because we already live in it.

    If I am here for a reason, then tell me what that reason is, because I haven’t a clue. I feel so empty inside. It feels so bad that I want to self-harm. My brain is not tricking me, there is something deep inside me which is consumed with pain. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life, but I have never felt like this before. It is truly horrible.

    Best wishes.

    #110855
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tannhauser:

    I agree with: ” I see goodness crushed on a daily basis.” I see it too. Of course, how can I not? It is here and there. The swans, the children… hurt and abused, so many, almost all of us. There is a saying: “Life is good”- I disagree. At best life is not good or bad; at best there is no moral value to life, good or bad. It just is what it is. As far as the god concept, god being good- no. At best, god (whatever it is) is neither good or bad. It has no moral value.

    I see it too, like you do, I believe. We both see it and it is mind boggling to me at times, overwhelming. Quite often it is. True. This is why most people close their eyes and make-believe. Make believe things are good. But they are neither good nor bad. Things are what they are.

    If you stop expecting Good, you will be less alarmed by much of the Bad that you see all around. Good/ bad is an intellectual exercise and at best something we can pursue in our personal interactions.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #110859
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I think I will only begin to feel true happiness when I stop believing in God. It’s this belief juxtaposed with the reality of the world that is making me depressed. God (if it exists) does not concern itself with the minutiae of this life. If it exists it doesn’t get upset when humans or animals suffer. It is, as you say, neutral. It is clear to me that ‘Big Daddy Sky God’ is a myth. The myth works when you are young and impressionable, but the older you get the more you see through it.

    I have been involved with organized religion for over twenty years and it has damaged my life. It creates a condition called religious trauma syndrome, and people who suffer from RTS are far from being happy well-adjusted individuals. They are self-loathing social introverts incapable of forming intimate human relationships, and this is because the founder of Christianity has laid laws down which are impossible to follow. So anyone not ‘hitting the mark’ is made to feel like an abject failure and a bad person, because they don’t measure up to the ridiculously high standards set by Jesus Christ; an anti-human figure who prohibits men from looking at a woman lest they commit a sin. Small wonder then that the ex-Christian forums are teeming with such people.

    Your advice is sound and I thank you for it. I won’t expect ‘Good’ anymore. I think that’s the only way to live.

    Best wishes.

    #110863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tannhouser:

    I completely agree with your last post, and I hardly agree with a whole post. It occurred to me how strange it is: you talking about being an incarnation of Neptune seems such an insane belief to me and yet, I don’t remember reading such a clearly SANE post as the one above. How amazing…!

    anita

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