fbpx
Menu

Family Relationships and Marital Problems

HomeForumsRelationshipsFamily Relationships and Marital Problems

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #141545
    Dorothy
    Participant

    Hi all  My brother-one of three-that I have always had on a pedestal-sold our deceased Father’s restaurant last year that was kind of like the cement for the rest of us. My Dad started it in 1945. He inherited it because he couldn’t make it in college after a year, so Dad told him to come work with him-back in 1973. Dad passed in 1989. The business was started in 1945, and icon in our town. My brother sold it last year for 4.2 million. Just some background. He was always the favorite. I thought we were closer than we are. It has hurt that it seems he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. I know he is enjoying his retirement-there has been some unjustified financial things in the past that have been hard to forgive that he has done. His wife and I have never been close. To say that I have low self esteem would be correct- a very unhappy marriage for me as another issue. And we have debt.Married 42 years, the house isn’t paid for. So many stressors. Its hard to find joy in my life. I don’t have many friends-I don’t know how to have fun. I don’t work due to medical issues in the past few years. Its just all too much. Its hard not to think about /obsess about my brother that I miss. I’ve asked him about going to lunch 2 times, he says he’s so busy. That’s bs. He does what he wants to do. We live in a small town. I need to fill my life/thoughts with something.

    Seeing a new therapist Monday. 50 minutes isn’t enough time. And its an hour away… Thanks for listening.

    #142055
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dorothy:

    I can understand your obsessing about your brother who is doing so well financially, comfortably retired with millions of dollars after he sold the restaurant, while you are in financial debt, don’t own your home and are unhappily married. You lack financial comfort and social support.

    I have three questions so to understand your situation better. Answer if you’d like, if you feel comfortable answering:

    Did your father leave any money to you and to your other two brothers, or only to this one (his favorite)?

    Did you ever approach you well-to-do brother for financial help, in all the years living in the same small town?

    Why are you in debt?

    anita

     

     

    #142063
    Dorothy
    Participant

    Thank you for a response Anita. I feel that my Dad, if he were still alive, wouldn’t want things to be so unbalanced financially. Some things were done when my Mom was still living, as she passed after Dad. That same brother took her to the lawyer repeatedly, she wasn’t in her right mind. I know that he coerced her into doing some things concerning the property around the restaurant that should have gone to my other brother and me. And, there was a life insurance policy to cover the inheritance taxes for 250,ooo$ that he pocketed and so he and his wife wound up with Mom and Dad’s very large house and  property since he was able to pay the taxes out of the restaurant. So he has done some shady things-I didn’t understand those things at the time, but years later I do now. He looks out for himself big time. No guilt. I would never ask him for money, the answer would be no. And he feels he deserves what he has. He was the favorite and like attention and is selfish, even though I have loved him so much. It just hurts that he has cut me out of his life. I know he’s enjoying himself which is good but to dc his sister. I was always nice to him. It just seems that the restaurant was a glue for all of the rest of us. I know life doesn’t stay the same forever. His son could have possibly run it with my other brothers help. But 4 million is a lot of money. He has no regrets. I am known as his sister in this smallish town. He is resting on the laurels of my Fathers legacy-He sold the history of the restaurant as well so the new owner claims the have owned it since 1945 when my Dad started it. That is a bummer. Sorry for the rant. We lost 2 dogs in a kennel fire last May as well. I guess last year just was hard and continues. Thank you

    #142065
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dorothy:

    You are welcome.

    Your father started a restaurant in 1945- the ending year of world war 2. And he started a family. He transferred the restaurant to only one of his sons. And he sold  it- and its history- to a stranger. And the money is all his. Your mother transferred the rest of the resources to the same brother. All this in a small town where you live unhappily married (42 years) and in debt. Plus, you mentioned some medical problems.

    What are your options, what do you do now, where do you go from here?

    anita

    #142069
    Dorothy
    Participant

    Hey Anita Good questions. Things have gone more sour between hubby and I coincidently since the restaurant has been sold-it was actually torn down and re=built. It was just kind of like the glue for us all-except the one that reaped the benefits. I don’t have many close friends-I go to Church some, Bible study some. I’ve just never felt like I fit anywhere, with girls. I guess having the 3 older brothers, I was a bit of a tomboy. I will say that Mother was anorexic and bulimic since she was a teenager till her death in 1989. That has so affected my issues around food, body image. Thats a different ballgame. I could start a library of books. I also will mention that my husband wasn’t ready to leave home when we go married, so we lived beside his Mom (horrors) and Dad and his brother and his first second and third wife for 13 years. It was hell. They are deceased now but that sure has affected us. Argh. What a hellacious marriage. I have been in therapy for 42 years. Starting with a new one Monday. I guess it keeps me out of the suicidal ward. I am releasing the rich brother as best I can. He keeps saying, when we rarely text, that he is so busy. That is bs. He does what he wants to do except see his sister. So I guess he doesn’t want a relationship. Heaven forbid that something should happen to either one of us. Where do I go from here? Just trying to get through each day– some days that is watching a movie on the iPad in a parking lot in my car. Or making the rounds of the stores at night, not really buying anything. Just to get out of the house. I think about volunteering-I had colon surgery a year ago and I never know when my gut is going to go into action. So that affects my life in a big way at times. A huge thank you for showing interest in my situation. I rarely get on Facebook anymore. Its just a downer. Cheers to you and thank you so much for responding.. I am rather close to one brother. He does not want to talk about this family stuff around the restaurant. Its hurtful to him and he tries to just forget it. He is a Pharmacist. I was a Dental Hygienist.

     

    #142087
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dorothy:

    Like you wrote, you could write books about your life experience.

    Maybe the rich brother doesn’t want to see you because you remind him of his crimes, crimes of cheating you (and other siblings) out of money… Maybe that is not his motivation.  I don’t know. In any case, better stop chasing him for get-togethers.

    As you know all too well, Family is far from being all that we wished it would be. Not even close. There is so much we hope, as children: hope for love, for happiness, and if we aren’t loved, we make believe we are, holding on to any semblance of love.

    The restaurant, it meant a lot to you even though financially, it meant nothing for you, at least not ever since your brother owned it, correct? It was a symbol of Family, of what family is meant to be, in our hopes and dreams as children.

    I am a passionate fan of viewing reality as it is, letting go of wishful thinking, make-believe thinking and see life as-it-is. And so, I recommend that you see every person in your life the way he/ she is, not the way you wished they were. And then, relax best you can into this reality.

    You mentioned of few of your challenges, which I share: food and body issues as well as colon discomfort. There are ways to improve one’s life even with these specific challenges.

    I am curious, 42 years of therapy? What did therapy so far teach you, how was it like, therapy, all these years? All in one small town..?

    anita

    #142101
    Dorothy
    Participant

    Anita I must say thank you again- you are the most support and helpful thinking that I feel I have ever received from online talking- I think even therapy. You are very good. I wish we could have a sit down. Truly. I bless you.
    The restaurant— oh so much history-our family was known for it but not just that. So many memories of my Dad, his political friends, he would always introduce me to important men that he chatted with at the restaurant when I was there. He did make me feel special. One therapist did make a point that perhaps I had put my brother in my Dad’s place after a fashion, sort of, subliminally. Perhaps I did. But he was the closest to me in age, we were always close growing up, he took me on car rides before I got my license etc. We used to hang, you know. I always idealized him kind of like Dad. I know things change but I never thought his love for me would. We havent had words or anything, except our differences about things he did with the property/money issues which is on him. He changed. He is in a religion called The Way-they have to take a class called “Power for Abundant Living”. Ha. It sure worked for him. He believes so differently than the average person about God, Jesus, Heaven etc. Im off topic-sorry.
    The restaurant has meant alot to the people in my town, people from afar. But its history now. My brother is pretty involved with the guy he sold it to, the name stayed the same. Ironic, the new owner’s last name is the same as ours! I say he is my brothers new brother!
    As far as therapy, I don’t know if it has helped alot over the years. I got treatment for me so I could survive in this marriage. Anxiety, moods. Structure for the family, 2 kids. I wanted to try and get it right for them. Hubby never held back the argueing even in front of them, I would ask him not to argue in front of them but he wouldn’t listen. When my son was 3, I remember so well, hubby fussed me out, was so mean, went upstairs, I was crying at the table, my 3 year old son says, Mommy don’t cry. He is now 34. He was suicidal in 2012. He came home, I-we got him better. My son did alot of the work of course. He was on the streets of Philly crying, didn’t know what to do. He was cutting, I can’t remember all of the details now.
    He seems fine now. Broke off an engagement at that time, he’s with another girl now. He is an awesome son. My 37 year old daughter is a nurse, married, is doing well. I guess we had some success with them. Neither wants any kids. I find that interesting.
    I am coming to grips with how my brother is. Letting him go even tho it hurts. I just don’t understand. He sees my brother. I guess thats brothers. I just wish my life wasn’t so miserable. I don’t know how to change it. Yes, its a beautiful day, in NC. My kids are doing good at the moment. Thankfully. Things could be alot worse I guess.
    I do thank you again for listening Anita. I think Ill go to the gym today as I have put on 5 lbs.
    Pat

    #142137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dorothy/Pat:

    You are very welcome. It is getting late and I would like to read your last post attentively, first thing tomorrow morning;  reply then (about ten hours from now). Take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #142153
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pat:

    I looked up “The Way” and The Power of abundant living (the class) and couldn’t get much information that was helpful to me in trying to understand your brother. I learned that The Way International (Wikipedia) does not believe in the Trinity, for example, but that doesn’t help me understand. In Wiki it reads regarding their beliefs: “Once a person is born again, they receive ‘holy spirit’ (which is not part of the trinity) and cannot lose it through any sinful acts”-

    That is the closest to being helpful to me, maybe, in understanding that your brother has that ‘holy spirit’ regardless of his financial sinful acts. What are the beliefs of “The Way” that he stated?

    You mentioned your experience as a child or teenager (?) when your father introduced you to “important men” in the restaurant and how that made you feel special. You also mentioned your youth with your brother, how he took you for rides before you got your license. You wrote: “I know things change but I never thought his (brother’s) love for me would”-

    What changed may not be that he loved you then and does not love you now. What changed is you are no longer a child. When we are children, there is magic in how we view our families and life in general. Parents (and older/ idealized siblings) seem greater than life, magical. When your father introduced you to important men in the restaurants, that was magical. If it happened NOW, it wouldn’t feel magical.

    When your brother took you for those rides, it felt magical. If he took you for a ride presently, it wouldn’t feel magical, would it?

    As a child, a very young person, some things appear more beautiful than they are. With your brother in the car, you felt so good, that it FELT like he loved you. It felt like a very special time. But for him, it may have been just another day. He may not even remember it.

    I read the rest of your post, a bit about the history of your marriage and your children. Your son’s troubles. I do hope they are indeed both doing well now.

    At this point, your thoughts…?

    anita

     

    #142213
    Dorothy
    Participant

    Hey, They Way believers don’t believe in the Trinity as you learned, they don’t believe anyone is in Heaven. When I share Scripture with my brother, or used to, as he did with me, he said you have to break down each word into the Greek translation of the word. In other words, John 10:30 says: I and my Father are one. When I share this with him, he says you have to look at the Greek translation of the word “one”. He says that Pastors that go to Seminary schools know the truth but don’t teach it in Churchs because people would leave. Smh. They also speak in tongues. Just so different from how we were brought up. He was always pushing these beliefs on me, but if I challenged him, oh me. He didn’t like it. I don’t think he shares it with the other brother. The other brother, Jim, has been very hurt over the years, but he tries not to look back. I guess that is why they get along. He just stuffs it. Talks fast, he’s hyper. Great brother, that one tho.

    Your thoughts about the magic of feeling special when being around my Dad- being introduced to his special political friends, etc and the rides with my brother as a teenager are right on target!!! Of course Dad is deceased, a ride with him would be special. But if he wasn’t deceased— that magic wouldn’t be the same. You are spot on!! I wonder how you have become so knowledgeable about life and issues?? Gee, to spend a week with you. I would get over my fear of flying pretty quick I thing!!!

    My grown kids seem to be good. The marriage is always an issue. Worse of late. I think he has been feeling bad mentally. That doesn’t make me happy but maybe he is realizing something about life and the time we have left? He is definitely passive/aggressive. Full scale. When he’s down, I feel sorry for him. Then he turns mean again!! I have prayed for 42 years for peace, joy, just getting along. I don’t understand these marriages that are happy where the couple really likes each other.

    Thank you again—you are awesome with discernment. I start with a new therapist tomorrow. I hope you are doing well.

     

    #142267
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pat:

    Thank you for your kind words.

    Reads to me that the home of your childhood, your mother, father, two brothers and you, was not a loving home. Maybe the restaurant was the highlight of your childhood and life since, because Home wasn’t that great.

    Neither is your marital home a loving, peaceful home.

    Your two adult children are out of the house, correct? Did your 34 year old, who was suicidal and cutting, did he attend or is attending psychotherapy?

    Thank you for wishing I am doing well, and yes, I am fine, this evening.

    anita

     

    #144785
    Dorothy
    Participant

    Hey, I’m not sure how I dropped off of here. My son is doing very well. He put in the hard work in 2012-2013ish and lives in DC. Daughter is married 3 year now. I still don’t see the restaurant brother, but everyone in town does. They tell me they just saw him. So much for a relationship with him. He said something about me to one of his employees after I walked in and walked out of the restaurant in October 2015-yes, it still hurts. I want to ask him about that because I thought we got along. I know he will probably blow it off but it was hurtful at the time. The employee told me what he said about me. He has so much material stuff in life-property, 4 homes, I might have mentioned. The 4 million he got for the restaurant. I doubt my Dad would want things to be so unbalanced within our family, I might be wrong. And—–my husband keeps wanting to “borrow” money for his lawn care business, when he doesn’t get the bills out on time, people don’t  pay on time. My Aunt gave me some money and wanted it to go on our house to help pay towards that debt. I should have done what she said to do. I think many times that I wish I had never married him. That is another story. So, I’m just not a happy person. My husband and I have never gotten along, lived beside  family for 18years-of H***. He refused to move but finally did. The damage was done by that time. I didn’t want to live there in the beginning. I was so naive and dumb at 21. I wish I had left him years ago. 42 years later.  The kids love him even though he was mean to me when they were at home. Go figure. 

    #144797
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dorothy/Pat:

    I remember you shared that you have health problems and your financial situation is not good, so the following would be difficult, but I wish it was possible for you to get away from this small town of your youth, get away from the memories, the failed hopes and dreams, the brother, the husband… and start anew, elsewhere, far away.

    anita

    #144819
    Dorothy
    Participant

    How I wish I could!!!

    #144873
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dorothy/Pat:

    You wish you could live somewhere else, away from the small town of your youth, of your whole life, living your own life, a different kind of life: how would that life be like, in your imagining?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.