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Fed up of single life but very anxious

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  • #82640
    lexy99
    Participant

    So I’ve been single for around 5 years now and lately it’s been starting to bug me a little bit so I’ve been trying online dating.

    I’m an introvert and a lot of the time happy being on my own. However lately I’ve also been getting a lot more anxious and nervous in social settings and I think that me telling myself I’m ok on my own/I don’t need anyone is that side of me just saying that so I don’t put myself out there and get hurt/embarrassed/disappointed.

    I have actually been asked out on a date but I’m not sure about the guy. We hung out a bit over the weekend and I think he was pretty nervous around me which is fixable but I also don’t really find him very attractive. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that but surely there’s got to be some kind of initial attraction right?

    I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, maybe just a vent. My friend with benefits guy is with yet another girlfriend which had made me feel like crap. Everywhere I look it seems like people can just walk into relationships and I am crippled by fear and anxiety just saying hi to someone.

    After you’ve met them and gotten over those first hurdles there’s the worry of going public with your relationship, will people like us together, will he get on my with friends and then if things go wrong people will want to know and get involved.

    Being introverted I like keeping those kinds of things to myself so even the act of introducing someone as my partner/boyfriend is opening up that private side of me to people – admitting that I have feelings for another person. I guess sometimes I see in me the need for another person as a sign of weakness. I put this front on as a strong, independent person who can do it all myself. Admitting that I wanna be in a relationship or that I want another person around me seems to be admitting that I have that weakness in that part of my life, I hope that makes sense.

    All the while I have someone who wants to take me out on a date but I don’t want to lead him on for the sake of my own need to feel wanted but should I be wasting this opportunity? I wanna be upfront with him but feel mean saying ‘I an emotionally reclusive introvert who has trouble admitting how she feels so I don’t wanna be honest with you about stuff but let’s date anyway until I decide I like your or not’

    #82662
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lexy99:

    I like you caring enough about being honest to the guy and not lead him on. MY hat off to you for that. If you have a question or want more input, write more.

    anita

    #82683
    Brian
    Participant

    lexy,

    I think it’s just fine to date in order to decide whether you like him or not. To me, that’s the point of dating–getting a feel for someone. Maybe it progresses past dating, maybe it doesn’t. But if you do want to put yourself out there, do it. Easier said than done of course, when you’ve got social anxiety issues and worry about being hurt or not being good enough for someone else.

    I myself have avoided dating for longer than 5 years. Haven’t had a serious relationship in 12 years. I avoid doing things due to my feelings that I’m inadequate and will disappoint others or will be disappointed so what’s the point etc etc. I bring this up because facing the fear of being hurt or disappointing someone is the only way to master it. I know this intellectually myself; I just have a hard time getting my emotional self to believe me. I’m scared of dating. Which means I’m replying to your post to offer you some insights, but also to help myself 🙂

    Is it possible for you to learn to tolerate the feelings of inadequacy and social anxiety, and be social as best you can anyway? You could practice being in social situations, take small steps like going to a coffee shop and just being around people–people who don’t have any expectation of you. Maybe you do this already?

    As far as “going public” goes, that is something that comes after dating. If possible, try to focus on one aspect at a time. However, to address what your/his friends/family might think: there will very likely be intermixing. But what they think is ultimately not the point, even though it’s natural to have concerns about it. What *you* think of a relationship you’re in is the most important. Perhaps friends and family will support you and like him; perhaps they won’t. But the wise, supportive people in your life (if you have them) likely will not judge you for your choice of guy. I have a friend who has been through so many relationships where her boyfriend was destructive and traumatizing her–she’s in one such now. I do not judge her. I help her see how things are from my perspective, and work with her so that she might do what she needs to do. Long story short: good friends won’t throw you to the wolves based on your boyfriend choice.

    I don’t think admitting you want a relationship is admitting weakness at all. Admitting that is, to me, strength. People are inherently social. Wanting to be love and be loved is natural. Why do you consider this a weakness, if you want to share?

    How did you meet the guy who asked you on a date? I ask myself because I have a terrible time meeting people 😛

    Hope this helps.

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