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Feeling guilty and insecure–how to move on? (sorry for the long story)

HomeForumsRelationshipsFeeling guilty and insecure–how to move on? (sorry for the long story)

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  • #113250
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Last May I met a man in a neighborhood coffee shop and we chatted. A few days later I found out that he was a friend of a friend and we ended up spending time together and soon began dating. However, at this time he had been separated from his wife of ten years for only about four months and was still going through the final stages of his divorce during the first couple months of our relationship. He had been cheated on, which was something I had experienced a couple years earlier in my first serious relationship, which was a relationship that had lasted for about 3.5 years. We bonded over that and he discussed a lot of very personal concerns with me related to the cheating and self-esteem. We became close emotionally, and I felt that he was getting healthier and was very open with me. The issue was that I was also leaving for a fellowship in a city a couple hours away from where we were both living just a couple months after we met. We decided to still be together long distance and meet on the weekends. However, just before I was about to leave, he expressed concerns about this. A few days after I left he broke up with me. I called him and we discussed his concerns and ended up getting back together. But we continued this off and on pattern every few months and one time he even mentioned the name of one of his ex-coworkers, a girl named Claire who I knew he had hung out with a few times, as a person he might be interested in dating instead of me. Even after that we got back together.

    I ended up leaving my fellowship for a new job at a university in the city where he lived and where we had met, but honestly a large part of that decision was about him and worry about our instability if I wasn’t in the same place as him. Once I was back things were smoother, but one night we were out together and I had made a comment about his use of alcohol possibly being an issue, a topic we had discussed before, and he became upset and told me he wanted to spend the night on his own. The next day he broke up with me. We continued to text with each other a bit after a few days, and I wanted to reconcile but he said no. We ended up sleeping with each other during that time but he said he still didn’t want to be together, and he just felt attached to me emotionally because the only other person he had slept with was his ex-wife. I was upset but knew I couldn’t change things. I emailed a couple days later to tell him we couldn’t have contact or be friends because it was too hard on me to text casually.

    Then a few days later he contacted me and apologized for everything. He told me that he loved me, something we had said to each other before, but he seemed to be more invested. He told me that he was cutting back on alcohol and was sorry for all of the instability in our relationship. It felt like a turning point. We got back together and things were going pretty well, but I had moments of insecurity a lot–I was often worried that he was going to change his mind again and leave me, it was hard to bring up any concerns I had about any time he would drink and seem distant, and I asked for his validation about how he felt about me often. But over time I became more relaxed and confident together. Then about a month ago when we were looking at his phone together a text from the girl Claire who was his ex-coworker (and who he had said he wanted to date) came up. We had already talked before about that and he said he didn’t have feelings for her and they were just friends who would hang out once every few months, and that he had used her name only in retaliation against me during our past breakup. But seeing her name again upset me and stirred up old feelings. He said it was nothing and they barely text but I couldn’t help feeling worried. He wasn’t very comforting because from his point of view, it was an issue that we had already talked about. The next day it was mostly resolved, but he was annoyed with me for being upset for that morning and the night before. A few days later, I asked about Claire and whether they were planning on hanging out. I thought it was okay just to ask since I knew he wanted to be friends with her and I would ask about any friend–and it seemed like something he should share with me. He said he didn’t want to talk about it because he knew it would lead to an argument. He became very upset and non-communicative for the rest of the day. When we talked later that night I could tell he was distant but he said he forgave me for bringing up that question about Claire. But he also said that these types of questions and insecurities of mine were chipping away at the relationship.

    He also brought up his ex-wife and said something to the effect of not feeling the same love for me that he had felt for her. He framed it in a way where it seemed like he was saying it was because of the amount of time they had been together, which I understood, but it also seemed like he was saying that the things he and I had shared didn’t mean very much to him and our love was somehow lesser in value. I was hurt by that but we didn’t talk much about it. Then a few days later I chose to bring it up and he became upset again and said I was being immature. He explained that all he was saying was that they had spent more time together so he had loved her more. We reconciled, or so I thought, and he said he was committed to me and loved me. But the next day he was distant again. A friend of his was visiting from out of town and I was suppsoed to spend time with them later in the day. But he told me he didn’t want me to come and all day he wouldn’t respond to my texts. I tried to ask for forgiveness but no response. I saw him later in the day when I went to grab toiletries from his apartment but he told me he thought I was immature and didn’t feel like dealing with it. The next day we were supposed to talk but we ended up bumping into each other before that time and he broke up with me while waiting for the trolley. He said he feels nothing for me, that he doesn’t love me or feel any attraction to me, and that I was immature. I was so hurt and kept trying to salvage things and make him see how much he means to me and that just a few days before we were professing our love for each other. But he said he has no interest in me whatsoever. The finality and extreme words he was using hurt me so much.

    Now it’s been almost three weeks since we’ve seen each other. I wrote him an email apologizing a few days ago. He thanked me for it via text but then said he has some of my things and will put them in a bag for me, implying he has no interest in seeing me or talking further. I’m not even sure if I should be trying to fix this, but I feel so guilty for how I contributed to the demise and I feel like he’s the best person I’ve ever been with so I don’t know how to let it go. He isn’t talking to me and I’ve been avoiding places where I might run into him, but I want nothing more than to change his mind. How did it become so final? Because of all our other breakups it’s hard to accept this is really the end. And at the same time I keep having obsessive thoughts about him being with someone else and being so much happier without me. He said at the end that this time was different from the others and there’s no second-guessing how he feels. It just hurts so much and I don’t know what to do. Our short breakup conversation felt so sudden to me and I feel a lack of closure, too.

    #113257
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear psc1227:

    You wrote: ” I feel like he’s the best person I’ve ever been with “- and that may be so. This man may have been the best person you have been with. But I sure hope you can be, in the future, with a better man.

    We evaluate other people according to our existing experience with people. If you have experience with disrespectful, abusive people, then someone who is only… mildly abusive, seems, in comparison, as The Best person, and is, in comparison, indeed The Best, better than the others.

    You bonded initially over having been cheated: him by his ex wife and you by an ex boyfriend. It is a shame he did not proceed to have empathy for you, an understanding why you would be distressed about Claire. If I was you, I’d be distressed too if my boyfriend was seeing a woman, especially one he wanted to date at one time.

    He was cheated; it hurt him. But then he looked at you being hurt by the possibility of being cheated on, looked at you, not with empathy, but with negative judgment: being “immature”-

    You are not in a good situation when you are in an intimate relationship with a man who is not empathetic to you and who negatively judges you for understandable, valid feelings.

    In your post, I noticed you took responsibility for what you were not responsible for, apologizing to him for what you did NOT do wrong.

    From your share, from beginning to end, your ex boyfriend reads like an unreliable, undependable man. And cruel at times. Like I wrote in the beginning of my reply to you: I hope you will meet a better man, because this one- even if he is better than men you knew before- is not good enough, I say.

    Your thoughts, feelings?

    anita

    #113309
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you so much for responding! I really appreciate your insights. I think you’re right about him being unreliable, especially emotionally, at points during our relationship. It was difficult to communicate my feelings to him at times and sometimes he would be understanding but other times he would be annoyed if I wasn’t over something that we had already discussed. I guess I just worry that I was too needy and needed to talk through my concerns too much or exhibited signs of jealousy that just pushed him away. I also felt like I wasn’t patient enough after a while with his process of getting over his marriage to his ex-wife, and it became harder to hear his feelings about her and their marriage without becoming resentful. I never became outwardly annoyed or angry with him about what he was going through, but while I was very patient and listened to all of his issues in the beginning, closer to the end it was harder for me to be supportive. At the same time, I don’t think that he ever asked me much about my feelings about my relationship with him or wondered about my emotional well-being. Maybe I should’ve been more vocal about wanting that, but even when I did bring that up a couple times there wasn’t much of a change. I’m not sure if I should’ve just been more relaxed and gone with the flow of things though overall, and just been happy with being with him. Thanks again for your thoughts–please share more if you have further insights!! Thank you for your time!

    #113313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear psc1227:

    I re-read most of your original post. No wonder you feel “guilty and insecure” – the guy is manipulative: he punishes, that is what he does, or did. If he doesn’t like something you express, he withdraws, from a silent treatment to breaking up. Basically, it is His Way or the Highway. He doesn’t like something- you are left on the Highway while he drives on.

    When he calms down, he drives back, picks you up from the highway, apologizes then drops you off again. So you feel “guilty and insecure”- understandably- if you say the wrong thing, if you look impatient, if you are not behaving 100% according to a manual (that doesn’t exist)- then he will drop you. Better be careful, better watch out.

    This is no way to be in a relationship unless you are planning on getting sick.

    You wrote in your original post: ” he said he didn’t have feelings for her and they were just friends who would hang out once every few months, and that he had used her name only in retaliation against me during our past breakup”- it caught my eye the first time and I asked myself: why did he want to retaliate against you at that time, bringing up her name?

    Can you tell me why, what was his anger at you about, motivating him at the time to cause you harm?

    anita

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