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Feeling Guilty and Questioning Values

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  • January 24, 2015 at 2:53 am #71846
    L
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’ve written a few posts already about my breakup last year, and received wonderful advice from many people. I have been feeling much better the last few months and feeling like I can move on.

    I’m 22, and currently spending a little less than a year working abroad. Especially after everything I went through with my breakup, I don’t see anything wrong with having a little fun when I go out and meet people. Especially now that I feel like I’ve had a sufficient amount of healing time. I’ve had a few “encounters” here, but nothing too crazy. However, while before my last boyfriend, I thought “hooking up” with people was harmless and normal, certain thing have happened here that are making me feel like I should be more careful. But I feel like I’m having a hard time sticking to my values or what I know is right, and keep getting swept up in temptation.

    I’m mostly bothered about something in particular right now and don’t really know what to do. While out with friends a few nights ago, I met a military guy at the bar and we got to talking. I thought he was really very nice, and not like most of the drunk guys I find at bars. It was a really fun night, and at the end of the night he gave me a kiss on the cheek and then a peck on the lips. All very sweet.

    Last night I saw him again. But this time he decided to tell me he was in fact married. I felt terrible, but we continued to talk anyway. He told me he got married very young, that they never see each other because he’s always away with the military, that he doesn’t love her like that anymore, and that he suspects she’s probably doing the same thing. I knew it was wrong, but I was having such a good time with him and he was being so nice to me, and we ended up kissing more (I didn’t let it go further than that). He wore his ring in the beginning of the night, but took it off later. Although I’ve never actually been cheated on, with the way things ended with my last boyfriend, I sort of know what it feels like and I would never want to inflict that kind of pain on someone. I really feel quite guilty and weak, because I should have been strong enough to say no and walk away, but my desires were getting the best of me. I’ve never done anything like this and I can’t believe what happened. Even though it doesn’t sound like a strong marriage, the fact still stands that he is married, and I suppose who even knows if everything he said was true. I’m really not sure how to feel or what to do.

    If anyone has any advice I’d really, really appreciate it.

    January 25, 2015 at 5:03 am #71884
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi L,

    The sooner you stop seeing him the less painful it will be when it’s the last time you do see him.

    And you know, it’s just as easy to find a single guy as a married guy.

    What’s happening is your “shoulds” and “what happens a lot in reality” are at a crossroads. You can either go down the path of illicitly being with this guy or walking away in peace.

    Walk Away in Peace,

    Inky

    January 27, 2015 at 7:46 am #71962
    Mike
    Participant

    When we get swept up in desires we need to have the presence of mind to remember that we have the power to change our actions of that very moment. We have the control to now put ourselves in tempting situations or make it a point to remove ourselves from these situations as they arise. It requires will power, but sometimes we have to say to ourselves, “Whoa can’t let this go any further,” then walk out and maybe the other tries through some tactics by guilt tripping or whatever to get things going again and that is what its time run away.

    January 27, 2015 at 5:34 pm #71982
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    One thing I do know: He didn’t have to tell you he was married.
    So why did he?

    Two reasons come to mind.
    1. He wants to be honest with you so you know what you are getting yourself into because he likes you.
    2.He likes you and wants to put everything out there so there will be honesty up front.
    They sound similar but one has to do with the fact he wants YOU to know what you are getting into.
    The other is HE LIKES YOU and wants the relationship (whatever it is or can be) to be based in truth.

    One is based on YOU and one is based on HIM.

    What I don’t see is that he is playing you in any way because if he was, he wouldn’t have to tell you he was married.
    Choosing to be in a relationship with a married person is very painful.

    I don’t think it matters so much how he feels about her or any of that. What matters is his intent towards her.
    If he is not planning on divorcing her then what could he offer you?

    Just keep a level head so you don’t get sucked down a path you don’t want to go.

    I would ask him what his intentions are with his marriage are.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Maggie Black.
    January 28, 2015 at 6:23 am #72007
    L
    Participant

    Inky,

    Really well said. Thanks so much for your reply. Well his last weekend in town was last weekend, so I guess I wasn’t really going to see too much more of him anyway. However, I had his number but made a point not to contact him or end up giving him mine. He kept saying he wanted to see me the next day, but I didn’t promise that or make it happen. So now he’s back in England where he came from, and that’s it. Maybe something nice could have started if a lot of circumstances had been different, but no use pondering that. I will certainly keep in mind what you said about the “crossroads” when it comes time I have to make a decision like that again, involving “shoulds” and “what happens a lot in reality.” I think I’m still in the midst of reevaluating things in this aspect of my life and putting myself back together in a way I like after my last break up. Just another challenge to learn from and grow, I suppose.

    Thanks so much again.

    January 28, 2015 at 6:30 am #72008
    L
    Participant

    Hi Mike,

    Thank you for your response. Yes, I agree about the importance of having the presence of mind to change our actions in the moment. I have been taking many steps to try and develop practices that allow me to live mindfully and in the present moment. However, it’s interesting you mention the “tactics” of the other person. Because this guy I was talking about kept trying to convince me that everything was fine, that “you only live once” and that I should just be thinking about the here and now. At the time he was trying to convince me to go back to his place with him but I couldn’t let myself do that. But it’s weird, because I could have taken the idea of “living in the present moment” in the way he wanted me to take it, or I could have taken it as deciding then and there it wasn’t right and taking myself out of the situation. A bit confusing, really. Both make sense to an extent, but in the end the moral thing to do is the second choice isn’t it.

    January 28, 2015 at 6:35 am #72010
    L
    Participant

    Hi Maggie Black,

    Thank you very much for your reply. You made some interesting points. I don’t deny that we had a really nice connection, however it’s also worth noting that he was only in town for a week or two. He told me that night that he wanted to see me the next day (the last day he would be in town), but I didn’t make that happen. So now he’s gone. I have his number but he doesn’t have mine, and I haven’t contacted him. If he were to be around, I would probably ask him what his intentions with her are. But I guess it was meant to be nothing more than a fleeting encounter anyway, and I suppose something for me to learn from. Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. It’s helped me think about things.

    January 28, 2015 at 7:17 am #72012
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    You are welcome, L.
    Glad you dodged the bullet. 🙂

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