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Feeling stuck….Help me plz

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This topic contains 71 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 72 total)
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  • #123431
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I have been sort of avoiding this moment of discussing this problem since long. I always have logged in tinybuddha for all minor and major issues in my life and have been rescued. Thanks a ton to each and every person here.
    I am 35 n married for 8 yrs now. I have been a very reserved person and from a conservative family. I have been in and out in relationships before marrg and majorly the guys left me. I never went to them and asked the reason. My last relationship before mrrg was a serious one. He took good care for me like a parent. My parents fought all the time since I was a kid so I don’t have much attachment with them. So my relationship with this guy ended as he was dipping and needed a rehabilitation and did not marry me as his family was not OK. He also completely disconnected me. He was the only guy who touched my soul. I moved on and then when my parents were finding a guy for me I married a man who was more of friend to me and was filling a gap of my loneliness. In the need of the moment when my father almost fixed my mrrg wid some stranger, I married this friend of mine. I was then happy in my life and had a typical routine of office and family. Me and my husband are more of friends than lovers. Sex was not so excited. He could not attract me much.so we were intimate only 2-3 times after our honeymoon. But in 2 yrs I felt linely again. And in that moment I fell in love with this amazingly handsome and lovely guy. He is my colleague. He was like my bf with whomever I was conneted with all my soul. He took good care of me for initial 2-3 yrs. We have a great chemistry when it comes to intimacy. By the end of 2nd yr of our relationship, he gave me a news that he has become a father. I was very happy for him. We maintained a very good distance when it comes to our spouses as we respect our personal lives. He also missed love and so did I. So we match perfectly when intimate. It has been 5 yrs now that we are in relationship. But since last 2 yrs, he has been busy as his son is growing and demanding more of his time. They are a very happy family. So the problem here is, since last 2 yrs, we have fought numbers of times as I have been missing the days when he was very romantic and caring. Recently when I was away for a wedding for for a week, he dint even expressed that he missed me. When I came back I don’t see any happiness on his face. I told him I feel very disconnected and I can’t handle this disappointment. He said he missed just that he could not express as there were colleagues around. He is a Gemini and is image concious. So he is less expressive and does not speak to me much in foront of colleagues. He speaks to all other female colleagues and I get jealous. We argue more and there is less of love as he is occupied. When I said u never even miss me and say I love u, he says I do miss u. Earlier we used to meet atleast tthrice a month but now he hardly meet for coffee or lunch. Last time we were intimate after 6 months gap. I again have started feeling lonely. I really love him a lot. Since I have told him that I am disappointed as I don’t feel any connect, I have not been talking to him much. It’s been a week. He is trying to talk to me, good to me, but not like how I expect him to be. He is mssging and I am replying him. I have not replied him on his gn txt since last 3 days. I am very upset and hurt,crying and finding a solution to my pain. Plz help.i am stuck….

    #123434
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andreapretty:

    Please do share: how do you feel stuck; what is your situation about?

    anita

    #123442
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I have edited and posted again.

    Many Thanx.

    #123450
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andreapretty:

    I will summarize your situation to the best of my understanding. Let me know if I understand correctly:

    Before you got married, you had a series of relationships, last one was very emotional: he touched your soul, you wrote. But his family didn’t want him to marry you so he cut all contact with you, breaking your heart. Following that, your parents wanted you to marry a stranger. To prevent that you married a male friend. That was 8 years ago. You and your husband were physically intimate only a few times following the honeymoon. You are not attracted to him. Three years into this marriage, you started a physically intimate relationship with a colleague, a married man. This relationship is ongoing for five years now, but has been slowing down because he is busy with his son. You are jealous that he talks with other female colleagues and upset that he is not paying attention to you like he did before. Is it correct so far?

    A few questions, for better understanding on my part:

    1. Is your husband okay with not having physical intimacy with you; do you sleep in separate rooms; what is the relationship with him like at this point?

    2. Do you have a child with your husband, do you intend to have a child or children with him? Does he have such intention?

    3. Is it your hope to stay in your current marriage as is and continue the relationship with the other man, as it was, or do you have other hopes or plans?

    anita

    #123457
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks a ton for reverting. You have correctly understood my situation. Answers to your questions:
    1) my husband has not forced my for physical much. I have been a responsible wife in terms of managing everything at home. He does not complain abt anything.
    2) Yes , now we both are under pressure to plan a family. He and my in-laws and parents are wanting to have a kid,but I don’t want to have kids with him. I don’t even feel good if I start thinking abt me and him getting intimate.
    3) I sometime feels I am not suitable for my husband and we are not made for each other. I am completely devoted to my bf now and want him to be with me always. I do take care of my husband except for physical intimacy. I cannot even think abt that. Otherwise I take complete care.

    #123459
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andreapretty:

    You wrote above that you sometimes don’t feel suitable for your husband, that you are not made for each other and that you can’t think about being physically intimate with him. Your parents and his parents are pressuring the two of you to have children. On the other hand, you are completely devoted to your boyfriend.

    More questions:

    Is it at all a possibility for you to not have children with your husband in spite of family pressure?

    is it a possibility for you to get separate and divorce your husband?

    Are you hoping your married boyfriend will divorce his wife and marry you- is that an option you consider?

    anita

    #123460
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The answers for your qstns:

    Is it at all a possibility for you to not have children with your husband in spite of family pressure?
    – yea,I am not been able to have those feelings for having children with my husband. I have told him also that I do feel like having children and Ii won’t untill I get the feeling.

    is it a possibility for you to get separate and divorce your husband?
    – it is possible,but I will be blamed for everything.

    Are you hoping your married boyfriend will divorce his wife and marry you- is that an option you consider?
    – my bf will never divorce his wife,he has a very cute kid. I never want him to hurt his family by divorcing. I don’t intend to marry him.

    I would like to add, that I feel very stressed with this family pressure and then my bf not been able to love me enough.

    #123465
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andreapretty:

    You are in a very tough situation. You wrote that your parents used to fight a lot when you were a child, maybe they still do. So you grew up without a feeling of safety and love in your home. Then you were very attached to a boyfriend about 10 years ago. Now you are very attached to the married boyfriend.

    Your current emotional attachment, to the boyfriend is very strong, and seems like it is the most powerful part of your life, your number one priority and concern, your deepest need.

    So you want to remain his girlfriend while he remains married to another woman. You have no plans or motivation to end your relationship with him. What you want is to get more of his attention while he remains married to another woman.

    You are managing your life in such a way as to satisfy your parents’ want for you to be married, to satisfy your husband in all ways except for physical intimacy, to experience love with the other man without hurting his family, to avoid society’s criticism by remaining married and having the other relationship in secret. Going on this way, you are likely to have a child or two with your husband so to satisfy your parents and his. Do you agree, that you are likely to become a mother so to satisfy both sets of parents?

    If you did get more attention from the boyfriend, will you be happy?

    anita

    #123478
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thankyou once agn. You have written down my heart in the 2nd paragraph you wrote. I feel, that I won’t be able to manage kids, eventually I will have to face a breakup with my bf. As I will be for the baby. Also I do not like being tied up. So I feel having a baby will keep me tied up, I might end up in frustration, spoiling the childhood of the baby. Either I will b depressed or then the baby’s childhood will be like mine. I feel I am at a stage where I can’t manage my emotional needs and feeling and I am definitely Dependant on others for my emotional satisfaction, then how will I be able to devote myself to my baby if I plan one. I love my independence to the core.

    I am scared, rather sure, if I plan a baby I will loose my bf.:(

    #123479
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andreapretty:

    What is the right thing for you to do, I ask myself. The most telling sentence you wrote, in regard to the right thing to do is in your last post: ” I might end up in frustration, spoiling the childhood of the baby. Either I will b depressed or then the baby’s childhood will be like mine.”

    The right thing for you to do is to not have a child in this marriage, in this situation because it is wrong to destroy a new life. It is definitely wrong to bring a child into a bad situation, to pass on a bad childhood to another generation. Of this, I am certain.

    And so, if there will be pressure put upon you by his parents, your parents, society and maybe he, himself, to have a child, and the only way to not have a child is to separate from him, then separation will definitely be the right thing to do.

    The tough situation: your unsafe, inadequate childhood, the arranged marriage culture, societal rejection and abuse when you defy societal conventions- these make it tough.

    If you were employed, or being able to make good money (?), then there would be the possibility of moving to another location or even country where you don’t feel the severe pressure to follow conventions, to live a lie, so that society doesn’t punish you.

    Is there a way for you to communicate with your husband, since he was your friend, maybe still is- to tell him more about your situation? Maybe he has a good, forgiving heart. Maybe he can help you?

    As you can see, I keep asking questions because this is a complex, tough situation. To see your struggle in the big picture of your history, culture, societal conventions, is to see multiple ingredients to the situation, all need to be addressed. Therefore, if you’d like, let’s keep communicating. Hopefully it will result in more and more clarity.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by Profile photo of anita anita.
    #123482
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am very scared. I don’t know where and how do I start to solve and sort my life. Don’t know should I speak to my parents husband or then bf. My bf doesn’t entertain stressful situations. My husband is immature, according to me. I tried explaining him that I don’t want to have a baby, he says he wants to have it soon, his parents becoming old. I qstn him is it for parents or for us? I keep on thinking how and from which angle should I sort out my life. I feel like dying now.

    #123484
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andreapretty:

    I understand that you are scared. Don’t rush yourself to find a solution right away. Your situation is tough but not impossible to resolve. We can communicate here again and again, on this very thread, not only today but the next day and the next day, bring some clarity to the situation and work on solutions.

    Calm down best you can, take deep breaths, maybe go for a walk, if possible, so to calm down.

    Your last post gives me more information- there is pressure coming from your husband. Giving in to that pressure is going to hurt you a lot, not to mention, it will hurt a new little person coming into this tough world.

    Most important right now: do not have physical intimacy with your husband so to not get pregnant. I suppose you are using birth control (?) because of the activity with the boyfriend? Continue using those.

    Your husband is not likely to help you then, because he is heavily influenced by his parents, by appearances (having a child gives the appearance of a working marriage, an appearance he needs to show his parents, acquaintances etc.). Your parents are not likely to help you- they didn’t help you when you were a child, and they already pressured you to marry a stranger, before you married this man.

    Back to employment: are you employed and do you have access to any money that will make it possible for you to move away? (not that you are ready to move away even if you had all the money in the world, your attachment to the boyfriend being as strong as it is).

    For now, calm down, take that walk, post anytime. Relax, and don’t do anything (other than to not get pregnant!) No need to do anything different for a while.

    anita

    #123486
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for being there. I will post soon.

    #123487
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Post again and yet again, andreapretty. When I am on the computer (daily, often)- will answer you as soon as I see a new post by you.
    anita

    #123531
    Profile photo of Andrea simoes
    Andrea simoes
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

    I have been thinking since I posted last, abt am I being clingy towards my bf. Is it that I am expecting too much from him. Is it that it’s only he I have in life so I expect all the attention from him? Am I being a toxic person? When I read other posts in relationship forum here, I found that there are few signs of clingy relationship I am in but I have been expecting a very basic needs a gf can expect. On the other hand, I feel I am pressurizing my bf for all my smaal expections as I have to every time explain him what I need attention in that circumstance or moment. And now, after 2 yrs of such events I am feeling I am loosing my worth, self respect…..As this all shows a sign of a needy gf. I am not even so excited to mssg him now. Since last 4 days he is mssging me 3-4 times q day …..To see my mood basically….But I am neutral, I am not excited, I feel I should walk away from him as he is enjoying his life and me expecting time from him will only make him stressed.
    There is a storm of thoughts in my mind Anita. I have got a sense that I am going to end up being alone now.

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