December 30, 2016 at 5:53 am #123988
In your last post you wrote: “Can I really communicate to them that I can leave if they are not good with me? It’s something I have never imagined of.”-
To get unstuck (stuck is the word in the title of your thread), to move to a better life situation for you, you need to think “outside the box”-
and imagine things you “never imagined of”-
Challenge what you believed so far to be true, and consider new possibilities. If your parents need you AND they still mistreat you, do you really need them? Is their approval of you necessary for you- or- maybe they never approved of you and never will, so this is a lost cause…?
Consider what you didn’t consider before, and do post again.
December 30, 2016 at 2:09 pm #124021
- This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
The recent post on appreciation really resonated with me but it left me in tears because none of my efforts to reach my partner were successful. I needed support and I said so, and she withdrew. I helped and supported her through finishing her degrees and getting a new job, and I spoke honestly and openly with her about the distance between us. I apologized for my failures and I forgave her for hers, and she left — first emotionally and then literally – turning herself toward someone else who would allow her to be the center of everything. I am alone and managing the fall out with my daughters, whose biological father was abusive. I’m struggling while she enjoys her new life. I believe I have a lot to offer in a couple but keep attracting people who don’t have the skills or motivation to fully participate. I wanted to leave 3 years ago, but felt afraid and wanted to honor my commitment. Everything I feared came to pass anyway, and I lost years of my life. Although I am healthier now that she’s gone, I’m still incredibly sad, and my confidence has been shaken. Do not bring a child into any relationship drama! Mine are nearly grown and have a good life, but their step-mother’s leaving destroyed us.December 30, 2016 at 10:37 pm #124046
So sorry to know you still are in pain. I am sure that the separation is God’s way to not let you suffer more by staying in.
I will surely not plan kids in my complicated life. Thankyou.January 1, 2017 at 11:52 am #124215
Wishing you all a happy new year
January 1, 2017 at 11:54 am #124216
- This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Andrea simoes.
Wishing you all a happy new yearJanuary 1, 2017 at 11:55 am #124217
Wishing you all a happy new yearJanuary 1, 2017 at 11:58 am #124220
Wishing you all a happy new yearJanuary 1, 2017 at 11:59 am #124221
Hi ,some problem, I can’t post the entire story I wrote. Will try posting it tomm morning.January 1, 2017 at 12:05 pm #124223
Anita, since last 4 days I have been telling my bf that how he can help me feel fulfilled and loved. One evening he expressed that he loves me and misses me all the time. He sent a quote image which said that. He never sent that in last 5 years. I was touched n thought should give him a chance.we discussed about how his no communication/ less communication has affected me. How I feel lonely and rejected and unwanted. He said he will try his best to improve. One day he was good and taking care. He also said that one of his friend also said he does not express himself so ppl think that he does not care.even his actions don’t show that.
Next day we were out for a businesee meeting and we spoke few things abt the same topic. I knew he doesn’t like to have serious talks and that day he proved that. He din’t want to discuss and kept on saying I am not been able to keep your expectations. I also shared 2 links of tinybuddha articles on how communicatiom is imp in our relationship and how will it improve the relationship. It was all good that day, we din’t get intimate. I was most happy that he took it in a good way. Next day was 31st and a holiday. He was in touch whole day. Wished me by messaging. Then on 1st Jan, he got busy, I dint disturb him till afternoon. But when I was trying to talk to him, I was in my flow when suddenly he said let’s sleep. I felt Rejected so we had arguments. I expressed that I felt rejected when he said that. He got irritated and slept. I still continued messaging.when he got up, He became more upset and said u do whatever you want to do. I again felt rejected. I know I over-reacted.but he said he is fed up of me complaining all the time. I asked what are the complains….He said u keep on complainimg abt me avoiding you, me ignoring you ,not appreciating and not communicating. I got blank. I said OK, let’s not mssg each other and talk only when we meet in person. So that I won’t have any expectations from you and won’t wait for you to mssg. He dint reply. He was upset. The whole situation failed.
Anita, I want to become independent ya. I know I have very basic expectations from him but because he not keeping those I am feeling I. Becoming anxious and clingy…..Needy and desperate. Plz advice me on some strict rules of not being needy and desperate. Plz help me to be independent emotionally. Thankyou.January 1, 2017 at 12:06 pm #124224
Thank you and a Happy New Year to you! May this new year bring healing and a better life for you!
Hope the technical difficulties are resolved.
anitaJanuary 1, 2017 at 12:11 pm #124227
Yea, I could post back. Pls revert whenever you are free.January 1, 2017 at 12:40 pm #124229
I was able to read your last post. At the end of it you wrote: “Plz advice me on some strict rules of not being needy and desperate. Plz help me to be independent emotionally.”
My answer to you will be comprehensive, taking in and processing your whole story, your whole life situation as you described it on this thread:
There is very little love in human lives, way too much abuse, neglect and cruelty. I have suffered those things, and so have you: as a child, you were not attended to with love, you shared about it a little.
We manage to survive and reach adulthood with so little love. And so, we are “needy and desperate”, as you wrote. We are still little kids reaching out for anything that has the scent, the look, the feel of love.
With too little love- if any- by your parents, a failed relationship with a man, an attempt by your parents for an arranged marriage with a stranger, all these lead you, in desperation, to marry your current husband, a friend at the time to whom you were not physically attracted. Next, you found a man who you were attracted to, a married man with a child, or children with another woman.
And now, you carry on this loveless marriage, motivated to be approved by your unloving parents, and trying to make a married man love you. This is a tangled mess, a big mess.
If I advise you on how to make your relationship with your married lover work for you, I will be encouraging this tangled, messy mess, doing injustice to you, to your poor husband, to your lover’s wife and child, or children.
I want you to find love, a loving relationship with a man. If it can’t be your husband, then separate from him, divorce him. Then find that love with a single, available man- or not at all. If you are working, or able to work and make your own money, move away from all these participants in your life, support yourself financially elsewhere.
I understand life is unjust, that you didn’t ask for the loveless childhood you had, for the arranged marriage culture, and for where those things led you. I understand that you are scared. But aim at a higher value than the easiest-solution (“love” from a married man).
anitaJanuary 1, 2017 at 7:13 pm #124245
Thankyou for your help and advice. I think you are right. I have no hopes from my married husband and parents. What all I have is from my married lover. Yea, you are right he is not fully available for me. I think I should walk away. That’s the most difficult thing to do for me. This man has made my career and what I am today is because of him. It’s difficult for him also to let me go but he will not loose as much I I will. He has his source of love…His family and his friends. I have given up on my friends and family fo him every time. I will try to get out of it, like I tried last week but he was sweet when I was quite. Don’t know how will I do this, it’s like cutting your own hand with knife. It’s that painful. I will try.January 1, 2017 at 7:24 pm #124246
Like cutting your own hand with a knife- that is extremely difficult, extremely. I didn’t know he made your career what it is today- he made your employment possible? If so, it is a huge help. Is he powerful then, maybe resourceful? Makes me think, maybe he can help you get away from everyone and start anew somewhere else?
If he is financially resourceful, maybe he can do that for you???
anitaJanuary 1, 2017 at 8:57 pm #124250
Yes, he made my career. I was recruited by him, he could identify qualities in me and motivated me to get into a profile where he thought I will do well. I am doing well and he has always pushed me to give my best. He made my career. He has helped me build and nurture my career.
He is powerful bcoz he is at a senior level and is very resourceful. I have infact hinted him that I will be leaving in 6 months, he took it jokingly.
I have told him I really don’t feel that I belong to this place and I am happy here. He dint say anything.
I know you will ask if I really mean it. Yes I do mean it. The profile I am in is not what I wanted and always hated. I changed the profile for him as I blindly trust him. Now when we will be parting, I know he will not support me….I know he will get irritated as I leave the relationship and he will have to see me everyday. That will be a difficult situation to deal with. That is why I want to change my job. Tried go away from him. If we will be together , we might create hopes for each other. I am thinking about all this.