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Feeling Stuck In Life

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  • #143811
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    I’m new to these forums.
    I seriously need some form of an outlet, since I don’t socialize much.

    I’m feeling completely stuck right now.
    I’m 28 years old, still living at home with my mother and mentally/physically disabled brother.

    To sum things up, I’ve been confused, lost, and depressed for what feels like forever.
    My parents divorced when I was a teenager, I became severely depressed and was able to overcome that hurdle.
    But life kept getting in the way, and I eventually just gave up. I stopped taking care of myself, ate unhealthy junk, I just stopped caring about everything except for my family.
    I started hiding from the world, and still am to this day. From the age of 21-28, I’ve done little to gain any form of real world experience. Due to my paralyzing fear of the world and everything wrong with it, on top of going through a very horrible break up when I was 21, that resulted in my family and I being threatened by my ex. He mentally and emotionally abused me. I met him online and he came all the way out to my state to be with me, little did I know it would end as badly as it did. He told me he cared about me, didn’t care about my weight. But everything changed when he moved in with my mom and I. All he wanted was sex, and a roof over his head. And I stupidly gave him both. Which went against all of my morals, knowing he probably didn’t even care about me as much as I thought he did. I thought I had a future with him, but I didn’t.

    I graduated from high school and vocational school for culinary arts at the age of 19. After graduating I thought I wanted to go to JWU for culinary, but money problems arose. Attempted to go to CC, but ended up with me walking away from the admissions office because I was afraid, and didn’t know what I wanted to do.

    Now years later, I’m in the same position, unsure of what I want to do with my life, 0 work experience over a span of 6 years. I feel like I’m doomed for a lifetime of failures.
    I’ve been dependent on my mom and family for my entire 28 years of existence. It’s not fair to them at all that they have to continuously support me financially, even though I don’t really ask for anything, but what else am I supposed to do when I’m here at home, helping my mom take care of my brother?
    I want to do more with my life. I know I deserve so much more than this. I’ve missed out on so many life milestones:
    College
    Driving
    Jobs
    Stumbling through relationships in hopes of finding someone fit for me
    The possibility of marriage, or even having kids.
    I just feel like I’ve failed, and there’s no way out of it. I’ve lost interest in everything I’m interested in.
    Cooking, drawing, reading, and talking to my online friends.

    I even went to the Dr’s office the other day, after spending months on lexapro, she’s now put me on prozac for PMDD.
    But what’s sad about that entire visit was, I stepped on that scale and noticed I had lost 30 pounds. Shouldn’t most people feel that fleeting moment of excitement knowing they’ve lost weight after changing their eating habits?
    I didn’t. I know I should be proud that I was able to lose that weight, but my mind won’t let me be happy. My mind is constantly reminding me of how much I’ve failed as a daughter, granddaughter, cousin, and sister.

    #143837
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandie Marie:

    There is so much living you can still do at 28. You don’t know it yet, but it is possible for you. If you take the steps, one little step at a time, like the first thirty steps you already took (losing 30 pounds).

    You didn’t fail as a daughter, I am sure of that. Maybe your parents failed you. Maybe if they didn’t fail you, you wouldn’t be living at home, and instead you would be living independently, maybe with a partner, having your own life.

    I doubt you failed as a granddaughter, a sister and a cousin. You are failing yourself when you call yourself a failure.

    You see a psychiatrist or a general doctor for the psychiatric drugs (possible management there, no healing). What about competent psychotherapy?

    anita

    #143851
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    anita

    Thank you for your response.
    The only parent at this present time who has ever failed me is my father. I have had 0 contact with him in over 8 years.

    My mom has yet to fail me. She’s more than supportive of my current decisions to get my life together, she’s been trying her best to push me into the right direction. Growing up I’ve always heard her say she never wants her kids to turn out the way she has. Granted, she didn’t accomplish all the things she’s wanted to accomplish, but she’s doing her best with what she has. My stubbornness in refusing to get at least a part time job for some form of financial independence is my fault, and my fault alone.

    My mom has always been a stay at home mom, up until my dad walked out on her and my siblings and I.
    Seeing as both of my parents never went to college, let alone finished high school, the financial situation in my house isn’t the greatest, but we live within our means. Living at home has been my decision because of the lack of having a job. My personal choices in the past with my ex, staying on the computer all day playing games, and letting depression win over me with my life have been my downfall with all of this.

    The only thing getting in my way of getting over these hurdles is myself. I let the fear of life rule over me. I’m afraid of being judged, mocked, failing, and feeling like I’m leaving my mom to fend for herself while she struggles with her job and taking care of my brother.
    I’m currently in the process of getting over hurdles with insurance issues. I apparently have some form of insurance in the state of Illinois and it’s interfering with being able to see a psychiatrist. The only thing I’ve had since all of this started is the medication my current GP prescribed me for my apparent anxiety issues, which wasn’t working like I thought it would, so she prescribed Prozac because of PMDD. Kind of ironic to say, but all of this has unfolded since the beginning of the presidential election. That whole mess has had me questioning everything.

    I know I deserve so much more than what I have right now, I just lack the confidence and self esteem to try and do something that will make me much happier. I’ve considered doing things from home, like blogging about food and nutrition, or going back to school and doing online courses. I just need to figure out what it is that I want to do for said courses. I considered medical billing and coding, CPN, MA, LPN, and something in the culinary industry, but again, my mind likes to tell me I can’t do anything before I even give myself the chance to try.

    There’s a lot of issues I’ve been holding onto for years, I just did things to avoid said issues so I never had to think about them. At least until now. My mind is a jumbled mess with all of these thoughts going on daily.

    #143857
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandy Marie:

    The anxiety you are dealing with, that started in your childhood, and that means that your childhood was not experienced as safe and loving. Those childhood years are called Formative Years. If we are loved, we grow up with empathy toward ourselves. If we grow up in safety, we become confident enough in adulthood.

    Clearly you love your mother very much.

    Question: if you did get a job, and make enough money, is your plan to continue to live with your mother and brother and pay into the household, or would you be moving out and making your own life, away and independently of your mother and brother?

    anita

     

    #143859
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    I’m honestly unsure, being in the state I’m in at the moment, I can’t imagine living out on my own at this present time.
    And leaving my brother and mother is something I’ve honestly never thought of before. My mom is 57 and my brother is 26, but due to his mental and physical handicaps, he needs a lot of help. I honestly have no qualms when it comes to taking care of him, that time spent with him makes me happy, it gives me joy to know that he’s here, happy, and healthy. It’s the rest of the time I have during the day that puts a damper on everything.

    #143907
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Mandy

    I can hear the frustration in your post and can relate to a lot of it. I feel the same! I think you can get out of this by starting to live your life for you! Sorry about the ex- I’ve met that kind of person before. Not nice. Maybe you could start with small goals. Volunteering, exercising, a part time job etc. It will be a great way to get experience. Then other things can come… driving etc. I know you said you are stubborn, but it is the only way. The only way is up from here.

    Kat

    #143877
    Deedee
    Participant

    We are going through a couple of the same things in terms of work and home life. But I am ten years older than you and let me assure you that you are very young! Way too young to feel so defeated. I wish I had started trying to change my life at your age. Stop feeling like too much time has passed. It just hasn’t, not at all.

    One option is to start with a lower-stress job. I know someone much older than both of us, who started with stocking shelves in a library part-time, and she slowly gained confidence and security and later moved on. Build yourself up bit by bit.

    What you do for your brother, and by extension your family, is so valuable. I hope you see some of your purpose in that.

    But, of course, you’re entitled to want more purpose than that, and it’s great that you do.

    Some say the best way to stop having anxiety about your life is to help others. You are doing that with your brother. Maybe you could also consider something like a course in education for children/youth with disability.

    Until you find whatever occupation, there are those little things you can do to get through life one day at a time. Like taking walks, because regular fresh air and activity does good things for the brain, it’s science. And you can do these things alone if you prefer. And they’re cost-free.

    Also, you are clearly able to express yourself, and clearly you are seeking an outlet. I would encourage you to keep writing. Your idea to blog sounds promising. You could even write about your insurance experience in your local paper.

    I’m excited for you…

    #143917
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandy Marie:

    I re-arranged your three posts here. The following are all your words, not in the order you posted:

    I’m feeling completely stuck, confused, lost and depressed, still living at home with my mother and mentally/physically disabled brother. I don’t socialize much, hiding from the world. I just stopped caring about everything except for my family.

    I’m afraid (to leave)  my mom to fend for herself while she struggles with her job and taking care of my brother. Leaving my brother and mother is something I’ve honestly never thought of before.

    I stopped taking care of myself. (I am) unsure of what I want to do with my life. I want to do more with my life, college, driving, jobs, relationships.

    Time spent with (my brother) makes me happy, it gives me joy to know that he’s here, happy, and healthy. It’s the rest of the time I have during the day that puts a damper on everything.

    The following are my thoughts, let me know of their accuracy or lack of: You are happy taking care of your brother because you feel competent doing this care-taking job. You also feel that it is your role in this three-person household: to take care of your brother and in so doing, help your mother.

    If you were to leave the household and no longer take care of your brother, and in so doing, help your mother, you will feel that you are betraying the two, especially your mother. This sense of loyalty adds to your fear when you consider leaving the household.

    But a strong part of you wants to leave, wants to have your own life, be in the world, outside your care-taker/helper role. But you don’t have very little experience being in the world, so you are afraid you can’t make it, afraid you are not competent to do a job other than the one you are doing, and to live alone. You are so afraid, you are paralyzed by fear. This strong fear keeps you stuck.

    Following your evaluation of the above, can you answer the following: what did your mother mean when she told you many times when you were growing up, that she doesn’t want you to turn up like she did?

    anita

    #143979
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    @Kat: Thank you for your response!
    You’re absolutely correct, making small steps to a brighter tomorrow is definitely the best way to assess this situation.
    I just HAD to inherit my stubbornness from my mom and grandmother, it has its perks in some ways, not in others lol


    @Deedee
    : Thank you very much for your kind words. You’re right, I shouldn’t have the need to feel that time has passed by so quickly. But with time spent inside, only doing the same things day in and day out has had that effect on me for a number of years now.I slowly stopped playing so many computer games, but with that I also distanced myself from my online friends too much, and they’re like a second family to me. I should see it in this aspect; If I’m able to slowly take those steps to overcome a computer game addiction by myself, then I’m able to apply that to stepping back and re-emerging myself into the real world. In recent weeks, I’ve been slowly re-introducing myself to socializing online with my friends, and even reconnecting with people I went to high school with, such as my best friend. It was like we never stopped talking, we just picked up where we left off.


    @anita
    : Your accuracy is dead-on. After reading your response in my e-mail, I actually sat down and talked to my mom about this. Taking care of my brother is the only thing I’ve known. And you’re absolutely correct, I’m afraid.
    This fear has been with me for so long that I was unable to recognize it until you pointed it out to me. After reading your response, I can honestly tell you the one thing my mom has been telling me day in and day out for as long as I can remember, is that she never wants me to feel stuck. Which is exactly where I’m at right now. I’m so grateful that this was pointed out to me, or I would’ve continued being the way I am now, just much older. I broke down and told her that my fears stem from many different things:
    Losing both her and my brother
    Coming home and seeing both of them not there (which comes from my fear of abandonment thanks to my dad)
    Fear of failing
    But most of all, fear of living outside of my comfort zone.
    This house has been my safe space. My sister moved out of the house after we both graduated from high school to live with her now husband. I seriously commend her for doing that. But for me, it was like I was facing a major sense of abandonment all over again. I felt like everyone was just rushing into moving on with their lives, and I just retracted back, afraid to make a move. So I stayed home, and took over as being a caretaker for my brother. A job I could’ve been paid for if the state didn’t see it as a conflict of interest, because we both live under the same roof. But I took on the position regardless. I grew up seeing how stuck my mom felt, and I wanted to let her have some form of a life outside of the house, so I stayed here. And the longer I’ve stayed inside, the more fearful I get. Like she told me earlier after I mentioned my fear of loss. She said it could happen to anyone at any given moment, so why continue to stand there idly as life continues to pass you by? And she’s right, I can’t let this fear rule over me. I know she won’t be around forever, and I want to cherish these moments with her and my family both. But moving on with life just gives me a feeling that I’m abandoning them. She told me there’s no rush for me to move out on my own, she just wants me to be more independent. And she’s right, I should continue to make the steps to lose more weight, find a part time job, and figure out what types of course I want to take. Who knows, maybe I’ll discover more about myself if I take these steps. I just need to take it one day at a time instead of trying to dive head first, expecting everything to happen and fall into place all at once.

    #144041
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandy Marie:

    The way to overcome fear is gradual, little by little. Much wisdom in what you wrote last: “I just need to take it one day at a time instead of trying to dive head first, expecting everything to happen and fall into place all at once”- well stated!

    My thoughts as I read your last post, regarding sibling roles: it is possible that your sister was able to move out because you were there, in the household, in the role of care-taker and helper, so she was free to leave.

    You wrote: “moving on with life just gives me a feeling that I’m abandoning them.”- this is a difficult core-belief to overcome. As long as you believe that you will be a bad (abandoning) person if you move on with life, you are not likely to make it happen.

    I suppose when you were growing up and your mother told you repeatedly that she was stuck, you decided that the most important thing for you to do is help her, relieve her stuck-ness by … well, by becoming stuck yourself. A form of sacrifice?

    anita

     

     

    #144221
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Yes, abandonment is definitely a difficult thing to overcome.
    I’ve discussed it with my mom multiple times, and she keeps having to reassure me that it’s something I’m not doing to her or my brother at all. She said she wants more for me than what I’ve been doing for the past several years, she keeps kicking herself for not forcing me out to do the things I know myself I should be doing. But at the same time I’m grateful that she’s taken the time to realize that there’s so much more going on than my paralyzing fear of entering the real world. Like she told me, she’ll take care of it when she has to and figure it out, and that she or my brother are not my responsibility, and to stop using it as an excuse to not do anything. She said she doesn’t care if I choose to go to school first before finding a job. She just wants me to do something that will get me moving in the right direction.

    A majority of it stems from the past, but it also stems from fear of the unknown. Over the past several months I’ve taken time out of the day to reflect, and in turn, turns into me visualizing what may or may not happen in the future, and it fills me with dread, making me unable to make any decisions.

    A majority of the scenarios revolve around my family. I think about what may happen to my brother, or what my mom will do since she’s in the same boat as I am. No car or license. I even fear getting older, especially with being as stagnant as I am now. I fear of financial disaster, not being able to save money for retirement, or ever getting a decent job to be able to afford anything. I research a lot on what the economy has become today, and it makes me even more anxious. Which I know for a fact should drive me to WANT to go to college for better job prospects, but how do I do that when I don’t even know what I want, or even have a guaranteed job once I’m done? I’m also afraid of never finding someone who will accept me for who I am. I have had PCOS since the age of 16, which comes with its own forms of embarrassments, I’ve developed psoriasis on my scalp. It’s like I can’t win.

    So I’ve made a couple of plans for this upcoming week:
    Call around for an eye doctor
    Call around to see a dentist
    Call around to see a dermatologist
    Maybe then I will feel more comfortable with myself, and gain back some of that confidence that I’ve lost. I’ve had it in my head for a while now that I don’t deserve much of anything because I don’t work for it.

    #144235
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandy Marie:

    I am glad that your mother tells you that she and your brother are not your responsibility, as it is true, and that she is encouraging you to make a life of your own.

    Your excessive and overwhelming fear didn’t start when you thought about the future, it started because something happened. Some dangerous situation came about, and then you became afraid. That dangerous situation can very well be your father leaving your mother, your brother, you and your sister to fend for yourselves. If your mother was anxious following his abandoning the family, and you observed her anxious, scared, day in and day out- that is enough to terribly scare a child.

    We think we fear what didn’t happen yet, but we fear what already happened- this is what I learned from my decades of severe anxiety.

    I wish you could attend competent psychotherapy (no cost/low cost?) to deal with the origin of your anxiety, what already happened. When you process that early fear, the future will not be as scary, not even close.

    For now, make small plans, like your list for next week. The only way through fear paralysis is small steps, maybe one task a day, only one. After a week of one thing-to-do per day, maybe you can add a second each day. Slowly, gradually build up an action momentum.

    I hope a dermatologist can help your skin problem. Regarding the PCOS, I read online  (webmd. com: “If you are overweight, weight loss may be all the treatment you need. A small amount of weight loss is likely to help balance your hormones and start up your menstrual cycle and ovulation.” And it mentions eating a balanced diet and exercise. It reads that if weight loss alone doesn’t help, there are some hormonal medicines that can help.

    You wrote earlier that you lost thirty pounds- continue…? Scheduling a routine into your day that includes daily exercise, maybe a daily fast walk of thirty minutes, can give you structure and help with anxiety (the aerobic part) as well as encourage your continuous weight loss.

    Hope you post again and again, if and for as long as it may be helpful to you!

    anita

     

     

    #144245
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    There have definitely been some situations I’ve witnessed from outside family members when I was growing up that have affected me in certain areas of my life.
    But the one instance that has affected me to this day was when my father walked out on my family.
    He just up and left one day, out of the blue, while we were all in school, and my mom had gone into town to go grocery shopping. She had asked if he would be home when she got back, he said yes, but when she walked in the door, nothing. He just up and left without warning. This has been ingrained in my mind since I was 15 years old. I went through a lot of emotional trauma. I had started self-harming and blaming myself for his leaving. He had attempted to come around once the divorce was finalized, but it didn’t last very long. Just the occasional present on our birthdays, random trips to town for ice cream after school.

    He stopped showing up frequently, since he didn’t wait very long to get re-married. I got so fed up with him not coming around as often, that I flat-out told him that if he didn’t want anything to do with me, then don’t even bother. Words I have come to regret. If he had wanted anything to do with my siblings and I, then he would have fought for it, but he just gave up and moved on.

    A few weeks ago, i told him those exact words, along with how I have felt since all of this occurred. I told him that I had to put my life on hold to uphold HIS obligations as a father to his son, whom he promised would never leave his side. It’s so unfair for a parent to help bring a child into this world, despite their physical and mental capabilities, and then just drop them at the hat when they sit back and realize that their lives haven’t been “normal” since the day that child was born. We had always done things as a family to the best of our abilities, but he apparently wanted more.

    This is what has fueled me for the last 6 years to keep going, despite the circumstances my mom and I have been placed under. But now I want to gain that life I could have had back. Always running from life because I was too afraid to live. But now I think I’m ready. I’ve hidden for too long and deserve SO much more than I think I do, it’s just really difficult because my mind tricks me into thinking time isn’t on my side, when I know it is, I just need to utilize it better.

    I’ll have to make some phone calls in order to get my insurance issues taken care of, I’ve been calling the local mental health facility to schedule an evaluation and appointment, but have received no call backs. I’m willing to do anything to get my life back on track.

    Yes, definitely, PCOS is a huge factor in my self esteem and confidence. I never took the weight loss seriously until a year or so ago when I realized what I was doing to my health if I kept continuing what I was doing. I had been diagnosed back in 2014 with a severe vitamin D deficiency. Since taking a supplement religiously, eliminating sugary drinks and junk foods from my diet, I have been able to regulate my periods again, and now have a normalized cycle, which I’m very grateful for, but it unfortunately turned into PMDD symptoms, which heightens my anxiety/depression. I’m a crying mess during that week. It’s like I do nothing but cry and internalize every issue I’ve got and turn into a negative Nancy. I just wish there was something more I could do than just take Prozac for it.

    I’m definitely not giving up on this weight loss, I want to be around for a lot longer and avoid diabetes, since it runs in my family. After intense research on the effects of PCOS with obesity, it fueled my desire to want to lose weight. I researched on the types of foods I should be eating and avoiding. I completely cleaned up my diet. I still eat white carbs every now and then, but not as much as I used to. I switched to eating grains like quinoa, since it’s a complete protein full of amino acids. I also have switched from regular bread to whole wheat wraps and whole wheat pita bread. I’ve also upped my fruit/vegetable intake as well. I allow myself one cheat day a week, I’ll eat whatever I want, but sensibly, so I can keep myself on track for the remainder of the week. Whatever nutritional gaps I have, I fill with supplements.
    I take a multi, b complex, vitamin D, magnesium, iron, and vitamin c throughout the day.

    After this healthy lifestyle adaptation started, I even started exercising. I would utilize my indoor time by walking back and forth in my living room as fast I could, for about 1 & 1/2 hours a night, making sure to clock in my 10,000+ steps. Then the PMDD kicked in, and I fell off track for about a month, but I’m slowly working my way back into it. I think I was just trying to take on a lot at once and became overwhelmed and wondering if I was doing the right thing. But it’s a slow process, and I’m learning about better nutrition along the way. I just need to get into a better routine in terms of sleep. I need to fix that and start eating 2~3 times a day, instead of 1.

    I will definitely keep posting, this has been such a great way for me to vent and get out all of my frustrations. I just need to convince myself that I’m certainly not a lost cause, just a late bloomer in life.

    #144267
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mandy Marie:

    You are definitely not a lost cause.

    I like your nutritional practice and you going back to an exercise routine- remember start with small aims, so not to overwhelm yourself.

    You wrote: “I’m willing to do anything to get my life back on track”- this is a strong statement, and I am pleased to read it. Doing anything has to include being gentle with yourself and patient with the process: expecting difficulties, imperfections in actualizing your plans, flexibility of experimenting and evaluating what works, what doesn’t and making changes.

    Your father leaving and then, once separated, abandoning his children altogether is tragic to the family and very regretful, showing how some men, are indeed, terribly irresponsible and selfish. As a child you took responsibility for his leaving, as children tend to do. Of course, you had absolutely no responsibility for his leaving, regardless of what you told him at any point. He is 100% responsible and you are 0% responsible. If you wholly believed this, you would be less anxious.

    Prozac/ anti-depressants are not a cure, only a short term relief (when they work) of distress. I hope you get an appointment for a mental evaluation and for competent psychotherapy.

    It will be a long road of healing and you cannot make up for time lost- all you can do is not lose more time. You are not alone in wasting time, by the way. I have wasted decades. Wasting time and resources is way more common than not. Do not rush the process, it will be counter- effective. Gently, slowly. And do post anytime with updates, your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    #146829
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Well, it’s been about 2 weeks since I last posted.
    Things have been a bit better. I’m starting to socialize more with my online friends and reconnecting with them. A lot of them are going through similar things that I am, in terms of not knowing what to do with our lives, so I took some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one faced with these types of dilemmas.
    I’m still trying to get my appointments in order, but everyone in my house was sick for nearly two weeks, so I’m starting over on that obstacle all over again.

    After leaving a long message to my dad a couple of months ago, he finally read the message and tried to contact me, but I was too scared to answer his calls. He left me a voicemail with his number, but what struck me and made me break down was when he said he loved me. I find it so hard to believe that statement when I haven’t seen or talked to him in years. I’m rather conflicted with this one.

    The prozac has been working much better compared to the lexapro, but I’m still adjusting to the medication. The transition from one medication to another has been a bit difficult. Dealing with withdrawal/adjustment all at the same time, I thought I was going crazy.

    But today, and yesterday, both have been bad days. I realize that a lot of my own problems and visions of self worth have derived from my past relationships and the crumbling divorce between my parents. Between that, the recession I graduated high school into, taking over as a caregiver for my brother, and giving up on myself in the worst way possible.

    And my mom received a text message earlier from my grandmother. My grandfather’s Alzheimer’s has progressed again. It’s happening at a much faster pace and it’s hard for my mom and I, along with the rest of the family to grasp that. It’s all happening too fast. I feel so lost right now, my grandfather has been such a huge influence in my life, and one of the few father figures I’ve had since my parents divorced. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t. It’s too hard. It’s only a matter of time before he starts forgetting everyone, and it hurts to even think about it.

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