fbpx
Menu

Finally ended things with her! And I\'m devastated!

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryFinally ended things with her! And I\'m devastated!

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #145193
    Jojo
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I just feel awful right now, after ending an relationship that wasn’t right. She was a married woman. I can’t handle this, as I couldn’t talk about the sadness I have with anyone in the real world, as I will only be judged for even being associated with a married woman. The story is long and complicated. I have to deal with the sadness and negative feelings associated with the ending of a friendship/relationship, have to endure the anxiety of how that person will survive since she is already a very depressed and emotional person, and I of course also have to endure the feeling of guilt for having been close to a married woman. Help me folks!

    #145195
    Jojo
    Participant

    For more on this, check this link  http://tinybuddha.com/topic/i-made-mistakes-i-cant-fix-them-help/

    #145197
    Jojo
    Participant

    It hurts me even more deeply for she was always there for me, day or night, to provide moral support, as a voice to listen to my problems. To share songs with me, to advice me. Now I’m so used to her messages, it hurts so badly. And I have to pretend to be ok before my friends and family. This is agony.

    #145205
    Malley
    Participant

    Was she going to get a divorce? I don’t know if the nature of your relationship was friendship or more. If she was providing you with help only then why break it off? How does she feel about the break-up?

    #145215
    Jojo
    Participant

    I had already mentioned the entire tale a few weeks ago and I have added the link here. But just in case if the link is not working, To tell you in a short manner, we met in one of the online chat rooms, engaged in a little cam fun, then became good friends, watched movies, shared songs, books, problems, all online. We are from different countries. She was married when we met, but she was contemplating divorce back then. Even otherwise I shouldn’t have had any sexual fun (but I was dumb and didn’t think it was a big deal since it was just online. Now I know better and regret it deeply. Feel guilty as hell.) I also came to know her husband is reforming but the girl said she to me she was ‘falling’ for me. I at once made it clear to her, that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I also started to disengage myself slowly from her. She has already had a tough childhood, was depressed, had several bouts of depression and I was sort of a relief for her (not sexually, I mean I also provided her moral support. 95% of the times it was all just friendly.) She had twice took more than required tabs and ended up in a hospital. She has two kids, a wonderful husband (whom i’m hearing good things about in recent times, but don’t know him personally.) I’m afraid she would harm herself if I continued on. And I don’t want to ruin a good family (more than I already have). She says she is just expecting to be friends. In the past year, we have done nothing inappropriate. I have reformed. She feels me to be special for her. I find her a very good friend, I do care for her, but nothing more. I don’t want a good family to suffer. So I said I won’t be messaging as much as before. But she was clingy and felt offended, as if I had “used” her and thrown her like a toy. I spent several months not knowing what to do. If I behaved friendly again, she might get more attached to me. If I said politely or indirectly that I don’t want anything serious with her, she starts to blame herself as being ‘unworthy’ for me. If I act rough (just to make myself seem a bad guy) I’m afraid she would be devastated. People in the earlier post in this same forum suggested I split from her. My close friends feel the same too and I agree. I have done enough harm. I couldn’t forgive myself. Guilt, Stress, Anxiety have been plaguing me. I pray for all of our well-being and repent for my mistakes. That is all I could do. I am never gonna get into relationships ever again. I am traumatized for life. I cannot contact her husband and it would be wrong if i did. I hope she doesn’t harm herself in any manner.

    #145245
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jojo:

    I read through most of your writings on the previous thread.

    First: congratulations for finally ending things with her!

    Second: the fact that you feel devastated following ending things with her does not mean it was the wrong thing for you to do, and that you should reconnect with her. Regardless of how you feel, it is still the right thing for you.

    Third: your feelings of guilt for the most part are unjustified. For the little guilt you own, you already repented for, you already way, way too much suffering. It is okay for you to stop suffering.

    Fourth, a quote from your previous thread and Reality:

    “If I tell her I’m in a bad mood or angry over some work issues, she says that I’m just finding excuses to ignore her. And she starts again with the “You used me and threw me” routine. This increases my blood pressure, guilt and anxiety… By talking to her, my anxiety does increase because of my guilt and my efforts to not say anything to hurt her. After such a difficult conversation with her, it takes me hours to cool down and most days I end up with a head ache or a racing heart. The next day if I apologize, she again says I treat her badly and like filth. She doesn’t allow me a break…”

    Reality: at times you felt comforted by the online communications with her. Overall, her affect on you has been negative. So you owe it to yourself to end and keep the contact with her in the past.

    She has been dishonestly manipulative toward you, maintaining you in  a state of pain and suffering so to continue communications with you, communications that benefited her somehow.

    She is not a loving, supportive woman. You did not destroy her or her family. She is responsible for her behavior.

    The devastation you feel now stems from the unfortunate misery you live in; being young, having sexual needs but never have been in a physical, in-person relationship, not being able to financially afford getting married, not seeing a solution any time soon, not receiving comfort from family and family concerns. Your devastation also stems from an unjustified and distorted sense of guilt, taking responsibility for what you are NOT responsible for.

    Please post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

     

    #145267
    Jojo
    Participant

    Thanks a ton Anita.

    You’ve always been a patient and kind responder. May all good come to you.

    The toughest aspect of this whole ordeal is, not having anyone to share this with anyone in real life. If it had been a proper relationship with a girl or a divorce with a wife, people would have been more supportive. This “online” thing would only put me to shame more, if shared with family members or friends. So i’ve got to act like I’m normal and active, hide my sadness of separating from her. I do not know what she had expected from me or what I could have offered. Maybe companionship. That’s the only thing I was good for. But she was the first girl to ever treat me with such importance, in my whole life. So it hurts to have let her go. She had twice before taken extra tabs and tried to commit suicide. So that was the biggest scare for me. I do not want to be responsible for a person’s suffering. If she is gone or is in serious depression, as a result of my separation, think of her husband and kids. What bad did they do to endure her in that state? I have all the fun and leave her devastated for them to deal with? This is the primary reason for my guilt. In most instances of people with a background of suicidal tendencies, we are advised to make aware the person’s loved ones to keep extra eyes on that person. Unfortunately I do not know how to contact her husband or her parents. And even if I did, what could I possibly say? It would only expose her and get her into trouble. Predicaments all around. There are men out there who seduce women, disrespect them, rape them, harm them in a million ways and get away with it all. I might not have done to that level physically. But I have shown her how caring I could be, and then suddenly pulled away. I can understand the desperation in her. Its like showing a hungry man a whole juicy pizza and then taking it away before he could take a bite. She was emotionally starved and lonely. I had without knowing sufficiently of her background shown immense attention, care and affection, thinking I was impressing her. Now when I come to know she is ‘falling’ for me, I had to pull out. I can clearly see I’m at fault. But I honestly wasn’t aware of the kind of impact my actions are having. Right now, praying is all I could do. As ever, I make the mistakes and leave God to fix it. 🙁

    #145269
    Jojo
    Participant

    And I’ve got to appreciate you immensely for the kind of service you are doing. Healing and mending broken hearts, being very kind to them. You truly are a messenger of God. I can’t thank you enough. Please do keep on doing it for all those wounded souls all over this site. May God recognize your kind service and reward you aptly.

    #145271
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jojo:

    You are welcome, and thank you for your good wishes. I have six comments regarding your last post:

    * You wrote: “I have shown her how caring I could be, and then suddenly pulled away.”- you didn’t “suddenly” pulled away- it took you a long time. You started to pull away before the last thread, before a couple of months ago. So it was not sudden. It was gradual.

    * You wrote: “I can understand the desperation in her. Its like showing a hungry man a whole juicy pizza and then taking it away before he could take a bite.”- this is your projection into her. That is, it is you experiencing the pizza being taken away, and you think this is how she feels. It is how you feel, that is for sure. How she feels is not the same as you do.

    * You wrote: “she was the first girl to ever treat me with such importance, in my whole life”- it is sad that in your whole life, she is the only person treating you as important. And it is sad that the only person treating you as important was also manipulative and repeatedly hurting you for her own aim.

    * You wrote: “i’ve got to act like I’m normal and active, hide my sadness..” – you don’t have to hide your sadness. You have other (than this issue) reasons that you are sad, so don’t bother hiding being sad. Less stress this way.

    * You wrote: “She had twice before taken extra tabs and tried to commit suicide.” – could have been a gesture on her part, a manipulative gesture on her part, congruent with her being manipulative with you. And she did that before knowing you, correct? Meaning, you were not responsible for that just as you will not be responsible for such a possibility in the future.

    * You wrote: “think of her husband and kids. What bad did they do to endure her in that state?”- you know nothing really about her husband, and the dysfunction in her marriage and parenting, as unfortunate as it is, you had NOTHING in creating that dysfunction and nothing in maintaining it.

    anita

     

     

    #145273
    Jojo
    Participant

    You are absolutely right with most of your points barring one. She did take tabs twice within the past two months, whenever I hinted at reducing my message frequency due to work, stress and ill health in the family. But others are indeed true what you say. Very comforting indeed.

    #145293
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jojo:

    You can re-read anytime our communication here and on your previous thread, if it helps. Clearly you did the right thing ending all contact with her. Please do not undo this important decision that you made. I only hope you will find a person in what you call real life, in your physical world, who will be comforting AND not abusive. You do so need someone in your corner, to listen to you, to understand, to comfort you.

    Anytime you’d like to post again, please do, and I will respond. If you need to be reminded that you did the correct thing, I will remind you of that.

    anita

    #145339
    Jojo
    Participant

    Yes, I do keep re-reading all of our communications to assure myself that I did the right thing.

    She kept messaging me yesterday and I refrained from replying. Today she went more emotional and flooded my inbox saying she was just looking for a friend who listened like I did and even though her hubby and kids are supportive, she can’t share with them as much as she shares with me and that she is hurt knowing that I don’t want to talk to her. She kept begging and pleading to just be normal and that she won’t pressure me. I know in my heart that this is beyond repair and I have to cut off completely. I refrained from replying for long, till she just kept begging too much. I tried to be polite and said the following:

    “I’ve told you respectfully. Let go of me. I’m not chatting for 30-45 days. I’m not going to explain myself anymore. You keep pestering on like this, then I will have no other option but to block you. I’m sorry to say this. You are not helping me recover from my anxiety, stress, by behaving emotional, guilt tripping me. I’ve come to a stage where I’ve got to put my own health above anyone else. Just let go and permit me to get well. You haven’t done anything wrong, barring pulling me down with emotional outbursts. I don’t want niceities or support. If you care, let go. If you are going to blame yourself, I can’t help it. From my side, I can assure you, you haven’t done much wrong. I’m not engaging in a conversation again. I will block. This is the most polite I could be. You are not getting a single more reply from me. My apologies. Thanks. Good bye. Any further misrepresentations, misunderstandings, emotional outbursts, harsh reactions, accusations and actions, it’s all on you. I am not responding. I’ve got to care for myself. Good bye. My apologies again. I wouldn’t even want to explain this much to you, but seeing you being so persistent and desperate is really hurting me. I will block if this continues on.”

    This is the best I could do to be firm, but not hurting her as much. She wept apparently, begged me to not block and then kept asking me what she did wrong. I told her she did no wrong. But I didn’t tell her that I have to stop so that I don’t get emotionally attached to her, or ruin her marital harmony. I honestly couldn’t focus on dating or meeting other women, when in the corner of my mind I have the thought that I am or will be attached to her. But I couldn’t say this to her face. Also the guilt of my past will keep haunting me as long as I keep chatting to her. And if she wants to break up with her husband that would be her choice, but I don’t want to be responsible for their break-up or a family being ruined. I had to be out of this ‘affair’ and I think I have done everything within my power to do so. Now all rests in God’s hands. When I did wrong, there wasn’t much difficulty. But doing the right thing hurts. I will lose a loving friend, but I have to do this for her life to be good. And for my own to be good as well. I hope God gives her the courage and strength to get through this. And to me as well.

    #145365
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jojo:

    I like the following of what you wrote to her: “I’ve come to a stage where I’ve got to put my own health above anyone else…I’ve got to care for myself.”

    What I didn’t like is you asking for her to accept your ending of contact: “Just let go and permit me to get well”- who is she to have the power to permit you to get well?  I didn’t like the any apologies either: you don’t owe her a thing. Taking care of your health does not require apologies.

    You wrote to her: “You haven’t done anything wrong, barring pulling me down with emotional outbursts” – well that is plenty wrong, as well as her not respecting your need to cut contact with you and pestering you about it- that is disrespectful to you and plenty wrong.

    You wrote to her: “I’m not going to explain myself anymore. ..I’m not engaging in a conversation again…You are not getting a single more reply from me. ..You keep pestering on like this, then I will have no other option but to block you”-

    Please keep your word and do not reply to her anymore:

    “You are not getting a single more reply from me”- keep your word, follow up with this assertion.

    And you wrote that if she continues messaging you (disrespecting your need to have no contact with her), you will block her- please follow through with this promise as well and the very next time she messages you, block her.

    Again, congratulations for doing the right thing for yourself. I have no doubt it is the right choice. I hope to read next from you, if she pesters you again, that you indeed blocked her.

    anita

    #145403
    Malley
    Participant

    OH, my, JoJo. I had no idea. I have just recently come to the forum. Sorry for asking you to rehash it all.

    You are very brave and true. And an exceptionally sensitive and honorable person. You are doing the ONLY thing you can. This relationship is pure poison for you and has turned out to be some sort of “soul tie” for lack of a better word, where you are feeling responsible for her feelings and it can almost become a co-dependent relationship. She clearly is very needy and is dragging you down.

    There are others out there who can make you feel loved, respected and needed!

    I am praying for your comfort and send blessings your way. You have asked forgiveness and you are forgiven. Let it go and move on with the life God has for you. A good and glorious life filled with love!

    #147505
    Jojo
    Participant

    It’s been weeks since I messaged her. I constantly think about how she feels and if she is fine and has gotten over the separation from me. Now that the initial relief is gone, sadness seeps in. We had been msging so much before, she had practically become a voice in my mind that I could turn to when things got tough. Now I feel that vaccuum. All sorts of repressed and untended emotions surface. I’m kind of traumatised actually. On one side, I miss her. On the other, I’m afraid of undergoing the same again with another person, preventing me from approaching girls who I find attractive at work or in my social circle. The songs we listened to, the movies we watched and the books we read together keeps reminding me of her. I also remember all those tough times when she supported me and gave me encouragement and emotional support, especially during my mother’s sickness. Now whenever I see another girl, I am afraid what sorts of new memories I might form with them and how those will haunt me when I separate from that new person. Of course separation is inevitable, sickness, divorce, breakups, death, age. If I outlive my partner I will endure those memories. And I’m afraid to make memories with anyone, after the good memories with this friend keeps haunting me after our separation.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.