January 10, 2017 at 7:52 am #124997
Forgive and not forget
On my journey to becoming a content, mindful happy person, I discovered a key to part of this is forgiving and moving forward. I understand something about myself that I however am not able to forget. So how do you forgive and move on with the past always being a reminder. So my mil said she forgives but never forgets and she will never let the person who hurt her forget what they have done, she said she will always remind them over and over what they did to her. I was puzzled by this because to me it contradicts the meaning of forgiveness. If I have forgiven someone it serves me no purpose to constantly bring to their attention the hurt they caused just to hurt them in return or make them feel bad. I feel like I would be putting myself back in the situation as when the hurt occurred, and I would remind myself over and over of the pain, and would I really be forgiving if I did that? What are your thoughts on forgivenessJanuary 10, 2017 at 9:12 am #125003
When your mil says she forgives but then reminds the person of what they did to her, then she does not forgive. So, when she says: “I forgive”- it is not a true statement for her. When a person forgives another, or at least intends to forgive, then the person does not bring it up to the past offender any longer.
anitaJanuary 11, 2017 at 7:18 am #125044
Forgiveness is an Art and takes skill to practice sadly for many forgiveness has become a platitude.
Forgiveness is not forgetting it’s a letting go. What do we let go of? for one thing we let go of our call for revenge which only bound us more firmly to the ones who hurt us. Letting go of vengeance is often mistaken as meaning a letting go of responsibility, accountability and consequence. But that is a mistake. We can hold people accountable without resorting to vengeance and doing so open the door to forgive them.
The problem with revenge is that it never evens the score. It ties both the injured and the injurer to an escalator of pain. Both are stuck on the escalator as long as parity is demanded, and the escalator never stops. Lewis B. Smedes
I found L.B. Smedes book – The Art of Forgiveness –- and Forgive and Forget – to be some of better books that deal with this concept. Note that Smedes concept of Forgetting is not about forgetting the event but changing the way in which we relive the memory of the experienced.
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
Once we have forgiven, however, we get a new freedom to forget. This time forgetting is a sign of health; it is not a trick to avoid spiritual surgery. We can forget because we have been healed. But even if it is easier to forget after we forgive, we should not make forgetting a test of our forgiving. The test of forgiving lies with healing the lingering pain of the past, not with forgetting the past has ever happened.
I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse… People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive… There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives… Don’t do it quickly, but don’t wait too long.
Lewis B. SmedesJanuary 14, 2017 at 1:58 pm #125251
Sometimes some people remind others of the pain they inflict because they don’t want them to repeat. Remembering we hurt another individual does sometimes help us remember how we caused and can stop us from repeating. But i do agree that forgiveness does not really involve doing that habit.
Maybe that person is just hurt inside and doesn’t truly forgive the other person who caused it. Sounds like they might need to work on forgiveness and the whole broader side of it, rather than it just being a word