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Forgiveness / Second chances

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This topic contains 0 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Avatar of Matt Matt 1 year, 3 months ago.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #41491
    Avatar of Anyone
    Anyone
    Participant

    My story is pretty serious… I am not gonna make it too long. I really want your oppinion.

    I met him 6 months ago, fell head over heals. Both of us. Two weeks into the relationship he asked me to go on a 10 day trip to Thailand. After that I moved in with him. It was amazing.

    When we met I was in a bad stage in life, no job, no flat, did not speak to my best friends etc. So, in a way he saved me. He gave me a roof over my head, got me job (a great one I love), helped me reconcile with my best friends and spoiled me with holidays, dinners and presents.

    I was in heaven, he was the best man I met. I am Mediterranean, I say what I think, I get impulsive, I cool off. What would be a discussion, finding a solution would be for him a fight he needs three days to get over. He would tell me how it hurt him…

    Last week we broke up in the most traumatic way. On Wednesday night I came home, he was not home, we did not speak much during the day. I call him, he does not respond but sends me a message immediately saying: “hi baby, how are you? missed your call. give me a kiss”. I start freaking out because he did not pick or call back. All turns into a huge mess of shouting, not picking up the phone, me hanging up. Me locking the door, sending him a picture of it and telling him not to come home. By 200% this was the worst fight we had…

    He stayed at a hotel, I told him not to at the end and that he is risking us but he did not listen.

    The next morning he rushed into the flat, put £500 into an envelope, put it in my luggage and told me he is kicking me out and I have until 12pm to leave his flat. That he has done everything for me and I am a selfish bitch. That he has no feelings for me and wants me out of his life.

    He leaves and I am crashed and can’t move from the floor. The next day we were supposed to go to Spain for the weekend. The day before he woke up saying he can’t wait to spend the weekend with me at the beach and a day later he never wants to see me again.

    It does not stop there. I took 65 painkillers and told him that. He came home with the police, calling an ambulance. He cried so much that he could not breath, speak, he was shaking. I could not look him in the eyes and he did not come to the hospital. He said he couldn’t, his best friend from high school killed himself.

    I was fine. My friends were there. The next day I packed my things, left my keys on the table with a letter apologizing. A day later he texted me saying he does not want to speak for a couple of weeks until all is settled and needs time and space for himself. If he needed 3 days to recover after a little fight, how long was this one gonna be?!

    Two days later I could not resist and told him how I miss him and how I don’t understand. He basically said it was all my fault, he made his decision even it is hard, it is his choice.

    Another two days later I asked him if he wants to say a proper goodbye. He said yes, but not now, in a couple of weeks. I am not even sure he means it.

    He always told me he wants me to be independent. Now, I am getting my own flat and my job is going well and keeping me busy. I want to see if we have another chance but he would not speak to me…. I wish I could turn back time but I can’t.

    I need your advice.

    Thank you.

    #41494
    Avatar of Anyone
    Anyone
    Participant

    Please help…

    #41495
    Avatar of Carlos Bowen
    Carlos
    Participant

    Hello Anyone,

    Look. I don’t want to be rude with what I am going to say nor judgmental of you or anyone else in this situation so please don’t take this as some sort of offense towards you or your situation. I used to be like this 3 years ago with my first relationship. Let me quote a few things for you alright? Here we go:

    “When we met I was in a bad stage in life, no job, no flat, did not speak to my best friends etc. So, in a way he saved me. He gave me a roof over my head, got me job (a great one I love), helped me reconcile with my best friends and spoiled me with holidays, dinners and presents.”

    It does seem like he saved you from a pretty deep hole in your life but…

    “I was in heaven, he was the best man I met. I am Mediterranean, I say what I think, I get impulsive, I cool off. What would be a discussion, finding a solution would be for him a fight he needs three days to get over. He would tell me how it hurt him…”

    This makes it sound like you two had quite the few arguments where he ended up being the victim. Which means your impulsive behavior has been going for quite a while in the relationship. Am I wrong? I used to be quite impulsive and stubborn in my first relationship. I became an attention seeker so every argument I had with my couple I would play the victim and blinded myself to what kind of hurt I was causing to the people around me. I understand you if this is the case… This guy saved you right? So you got entangled to him and wanted his attention constantly because he became your drug, your main source of happiness. You might say your job is your source of happiness but he also got you that job right? That happiness goes through him as well.

    “Last week we broke up in the most traumatic way. On Wednesday night I came home, he was not home, we did not speak much during the day. I call him, he does not respond but sends me a message immediately saying: “hi baby, how are you? missed your call. give me a kiss”. I start freaking out because he did not pick or call back. All turns into a huge mess of shouting, not picking up the phone, me hanging up. Me locking the door, sending him a picture of it and telling him not to come home. By 200% this was the worst fight we had… ”

    This is the problem. This escalated way way way too quickly. It was a lovely message that turned into him sleeping on a hotel not being able to go into his OWN flat. You see what you did there? You turned his whole territory against him and humans are merely animals. Do you know what animals do when they feel so threatened this way? They go into aggressive and self defense mode. Did you consider that maybe he was not in a situation where he could not call you? A meeting or maybe hanging out with friends? I am seriously not trying to be rude or trying to tear you down but I must see both sides of this story for this to fit perfectly in the scheme of life. You really should have just replied to the message darlin… With the nice kiss he asked for and not with an overreaction. Again…This was caused because he was your main source of happiness, maybe you thought he was with someone else and that thought crushed your patience and security and a reaction like that was given. Maybe he was just having a nice day by himself and he was enjoying the silence for a while. You do know that the people we love can’t be with us 24/7 right? if that were to happen couples would get bored of each other way too quickly and saying I love you would become merely a routine.

    “The next morning he rushed into the flat, put £500 into an envelope, put it in my luggage and told me he is kicking me out and I have until 12pm to leave his flat. That he has done everything for me and I am a selfish bitch. That he has no feelings for me and wants me out of his life.

    He leaves and I am crashed and can’t move from the floor. The next day we were supposed to go to Spain for the weekend. The day before he woke up saying he can’t wait to spend the weekend with me at the beach and a day later he never wants to see me again. ”

    First of all. Do not. do NOT blame this on him. he was probably extremely upset at the fact that he could not go into his own place in the night. He seems like a guy that has his things together and is pretty well put on his feet. (I am really not trying to defend him here) And when extreme situations happen like this people need space and some hurtful words can come in between.

    “It does not stop there. I took 65 painkillers and told him that. He came home with the police, calling an ambulance. He cried so much that he could not breath, speak, he was shaking. I could not look him in the eyes and he did not come to the hospital. He said he couldn’t, his best friend from high school killed himself. ”

    Why did you took 65 painkillers? Do you not appreciate your life? You need to realize that no matter how good a person is or how good that person is to you. You were born without them, lived your life, grew up without them until you met them and thus you have the strength to go on without them. If this was your way of calling for his attention this is wrong wrong wrong. Not only did you showed him that you are not a dependent person but you showed him how unstable under the surface you might be. Not to mention…. No matter how awful he was to you by saying that he didn’t love you anymore. People can’t forget in one day…. He was probably scared for his life… You could have actually died. Do you realize the kind of pain you might have caused him? Or your parents? And if you died there…. Do you realize the kind of emotional stress it would have given him?

    I really do think you need to cut back distance. Cut cut cut. I know it’s hard hun… I really do know. I have been there and back then I didn’t realize what I was doing but distance is the only thing that can hopefully save your relationship with him. Please respect his wishes of keeping out of contact. The more you stay in contact the more you show him how dependent you are of him and he will not like this at all.

    “He always told me he wants me to be independent.” he has realized it too. Maybe he was getting suffocated by the relationship and he really wanted you to find your happiness. Something that is only yours. He can’t be your whole happiness hun. Find peace within yourself and find happiness with your own hands. Once he sees this and he sees that you are doing fine and are able to do fine without him. His heart might warm up to your again. But right now….I’d say it’s time for a retreat. Send him a letter. No more texting or e-mails. Send him a letter where he can feel you are putting effort into and let him know that you are leaving him be. That you are truly sorry for your behavior in the past week/day/month and that you realize it was your mistake but you really need to mean this. If you don’t recognize this whole situation as your fault and accept it and forgive yourself there is no way you can move forward. Let him know that you wish him the best and that you will keep your distance until he decides what to do about his decisions.

    In the meantime I don’t suggest waiting for him. The wait will just make it unbearable. Go out, have fun with your friends or find some cool projects to do at home. Distract yourself and try to be alone yet not lonely.

    #41501
    Avatar of Anyone
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Carlos,

    Thank you for your reply. I completely agree with you, I have messed up big time. I take full responsibility. The amount of pain, tears and regret is something I can’t describe. As I said he agreed to see me but in a couple of weeks time. I hope he won’t change his mind. Until then I need to get myself together and show that I can change and I want to.

    I messaged him on Friday night apologising and asking for forgiveness. I took full responsibility and said I hope with time you will find it in your heart to forgive me. He did not reply. I have not heard from him so far. It is not looking very good. How can I know if he will at least give me a chance to see him? I am miserable and I wish I could turn back time.

    #41534
    Avatar of Matt
    Matt
    Participant

    Any,

    I’m sorry for your loss, the difficulty that drove the separation, and the despair you’ve been feeling. It hurts to lose our loved ones, and doubly so when we connect our sense of well being to our partner. Not only has he left your life, but also a huge chunk of your self confidence! Don’t despair, beautiful sister, there is always a path to joy.

    In the void inside that you experience now, you can take two roads. On one, you try to fill it with unhealthy things. Him, another man, a handful of pills, booze, food. Those might give some relief by filling the cup, but they don’t actually fill the hole in the cup. Said differently, when we get our sense of self esteem from external things, the esteem leaks out when those things go away.

    Luckily, there is another way, and it is so relieving that once we start the path it makes such better sense that the old way just shakes right off. We begin a practice of self nurturing. When we are sad, unsettled, angry… our body is saying to us that it needs attention. We can send vicious text messages or apologetic ones, eat a hundred cookies, go hook up with a guy. Those are us trying to self nurture and just looking in the wrong direction. Instead, we nurture ourselves directly. Perhaps we go for a walk in nature, and intentionally look at all of the sights. Perhaps we take a bath, with candles and bubbles and soft music, and listen and open and let our body rest and recharge. Perhaps we find a guided meditation on the net (YouTube has lots) and do our best to open to the methods and words of the guide. These types of activities help the spinny thoughts and painful emotions settle.

    Also, consider picking up a copy of Pia Mellody’s books. She does a great job as explaining how to get in good habits, so when our partner does odd stuff we don’t go crazy. Perhaps instead of trying to “get him back”, it would be better to aim at “getting you back”. Then, your heart can be stable no matter what is tossed your way.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41537
    Avatar of Anyone
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    I read your message again and again. Thank you very much. I am sitting here and asking myself how did I get here?! I know I am still very lucky. I am healthy, have great friends I can stay with and a salary. So, I’ve the base to start healing. And I will get myself back :)

    Accepting you hurt someone you love and having to let him go is extremely painful. My last memory is his crying… Do you believe he could ever forgive me after everything I’ve done to him and myself?

    Any

    #41543
    Avatar of Matt
    Matt
    Participant

    Any,

    You, me, and everyone come to that exact moment. “What the heck happened?” The lucky ones say “enough is enough, this hurts enough to change whatever it was that got me here”. And begin to learn. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. We search for it relentlessly, but often don’t know what we’re looking for, and so many mirages seem like it, but crumble to dust over time. Finally, hopefully, by luck and intrepid learning and meeting just the right teachers at just the right time, we find our way home. The funny thing, ironic enough to gut laugh, is that home is something we carry with us, an inner flame that just needs the space and caring to grow. So please don’t bother beating yourself up over it, that’s wasted time. We all stumble a bazillion times along our path, and each one is unique… so mistakes are unavoidable.

    So even though it is natural, usual to feel regret for the “shit you pulled on your ex”… regret is the lesser path, the icky one. Instead, you can honor the lessons he offered, the love he gave by taking a stand and growing. You can’t change the past, but you can work with the present. I’ve made so many mistakes along my path that at first I would crumple with shame and regret. That is like the mistake has two wounds. The wound of the past and the wound in the present. There was the initial dumb action, which was painful and upsetting to everyone involved. Then, just as if that pain wasn’t rough enough, my “regret voice” would step in and whip me every time I thought of it. Screw that! Now, I still honor the past, accept the mistakes, and do my best to learn from them. Other people forgiving us is between them and their heart. For us, though, we can forgive ourselves for our mistakes, which is far more important.

    Consider switching your question around. “How did I get here?” To “How could I have gotten anywhere else but here?” Then “Where do I want to go next?” Namaste sister, love and light to your heart and mind.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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