fbpx
Menu

Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #110655
    Christy
    Participant

    Hey everyone,

    This is my first time to the forums and after seeing such a positive and supportive community here I feel comfortable sharing my current situation. Maybe someone can relate 🙂

    I just turned 29, I’m in a wonderful, long-term relationship with my partner and I am pretty much living the life of my dreams. I learned about the Law of Attraction a few years ago and since then my life has been forever changed. There have been some stressful things to happen over the last 6 months, but nothing like in the past; I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am and I feel like I am finally reaping the rewards.

    –BUT– and this is a big but, my mind prevents me from happiness. Constantly. I know the rules of the Law of Attraction, and I’ll have good spells where I’m really involved and practicing mindfulness, but I start doing better and stop thinking about it so much, and the next thing I know I’ve been a stressed-out, anxious ball of worry for months with a fraying relationship. I realize during these times that even though I’m familiar with the Law of Attraction (and fully believe in its power!) I still constantly find myself thinking about the things I “don’t want” instead.

    I definitely have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I’ve just recently realized that the way I’ve been dealing with it has essentially been adding fuel to the fire. For too long I’ve been ashamed that I can’t “control” my anxiety, feeling guilty that my life is so abundant and good and still I focus on the bad, worrying that I’ll worry myself to death my whole life, and angry — so angry — that this anxiety steals my time and happiness. “There is nothing to worry about!” I yell to myself, angry and ashamed as I sweep my anxious thoughts under the rug. “Stop it, just stop it,” I tell myself as I pretend it doesn’t exist.

    Now, I know that these are all toxic feelings and I’ve just begun the process of self-forgiveness. Through this process I’m realizing how critical I’ve been of myself, always looking for something to punish myself for in the present, and if I can’t find anything to mentally berate myself for in the present my mind dives into the past and pulls up something old and ugly (and usually so insignificant that the other person involved has probably long forgotten). I’ve been reading tons of articles on the internet and it seems like it’s getting a little better, but still I wake up tense every morning. I see photos of myself taken candidly of times when I think I’m “acting” happy but I’m actually in my head and you can see the tension in my jaw and holding my body rigid. It’s palpable, like a toxic arm that grabs me and holds me in place, terrified to make a move, a decision, trapped in a shameful, self-loathing place.

    I so badly want to be happy and carefree. A lighthearted free spirit who shines my light to others, to radiate positivity and to look happy — not like a tense grouch — on my walk through the park. I’ve even created a vision board for this. With the Law of Attraction in the past it was much easier to visualize because what I was seeking was outside my own head. When the negative self-doubt kicks in it feels stronger than me; it feels like it’s suffocating me, like I’ll never be truly happy and carefree I’ll still wake up tense every single day of my life. It tells me that I’ll always have anxiety and the most I can hope for is to make it more manageable.

    Has anyone else been through this? Have any of you let it go to find yourself as the mentally healthy individual you strive to be? Will I ever get past this or will it haunt me my whole life?

    Cheers,
    Christy

    #110667
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi aschristyseesit,

    Don’t make The Law of Attraction your be all and end all philosophy. It is based on only one of the ten laws on the Emerald Tablet (Google it). It is ONE tool. Useful, absolutely, but it is only ONE perspective/way of being/doing/thinking.

    A big problem in our New Age-ish community is Blaming the Victim! Sometimes we get anxious. Sometimes we get sick. Sometimes we get a crazy stalker. Sometimes our car breaks down. Now, sometimes (most times) we did NOT “create” the anxiety, sickness, stalker, breakdown. Of course, positive thinking is better than a kick in the azz. And positive thinking IS a talisman, of sorts.

    But we live in a fallen/evolving world. Crap happens. Yes, even to us! 😉

    Life is full of ebbs and flows.

    I believe your anxiety may be something else going on in you don’t want to deal with. I know when things had been working “too” good, I would feel GUILTY for my life being awesome. All throughout my childhood and teenage years every little thing was such a struggle I feel like I’m CHEATING now! LOL

    I have been there!! Ashamed of my anxiety. Ashamed because I am ashamed. It goes away with time and the (unenlightened, sorry) “I’m going to have this (good thing) because I say so, that’s why!” attitude.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #110682
    Carina Diaz
    Participant

    I agree!!!!!!!! In this world we all have anxiety about one thing or another or several things. But i believe that there are always ways to cope and lessen that panic we may feel. The coping is the thing that we should concentrate on more. It is great that you have an awareness of what you are feeling and how your thoughts and actions can impact your attitude/ emotional state. I think its a normal thing especially growing up in a world that filled with things that are out of our control. There is a pressure in adulthood that is not discussed and this physode that others around us have it all under control.And they dont no one has all the answers but we can identify better healthier coping skills and remedy some of what stresses us.

    It seems as though you are at the first step in a good place where you can continue to identify what you want, where you want to be emotionally and yes positive thoughts that change it all. But not over night either( to echo the above comments) Forgiving yourself is key! You arent alone! You are human and if you didn’t care you wouldn’t have the potential to change and grow past the place you are in now!!!! You are a carer thats amazing we need more people like that but maybe you dont have to be a worrier.

    Personal disclosure: I had my first anxiety attack at at 26 years old. I am a social service provider and life is harder than people make it seem. We take on alot daily. Its going to spill out sometimes. But it also was a wake up call to realize that im fragile and human and have shortcoming, deadlines i wont meet sometimes, things i cant control and it helped me realize its ok! And im telling you its ok!!!!! You will find your way. It already seems like you aren’t letting anxiety stop you!
    when I feel overwhelmed i learned to have my go to calm things i enjoy to relax and in the situation where i feel like im losing it and my hearts beating fast. i say ” I am alive, I am not in any Immediate danger Im ok”. And it helps me fight off some of the fear and realize im safe and pulls me back down to a grounded space. Hope this helps.

    #110691
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear aschristyseesit:

    The law of attraction works temporarily for anyone trying it and it works a whole lot for people who pretend to be happy. If I feel down, walking straight, head held high will sometimes help me to feel better. If I feel down and I meet a person, and then pretend to be happy, see to it that I look happy, then the person is likely to be friendly to me. When I get good results (these two examples), I tend to do more of the same, get good results, and feel better as a result.

    Problem is pretending doesn’t work on the long run, not when it takes a whole lot of pretending. You get tired pretending.. you get tired, period and don’t find the energy to pretend.

    So the law of attraction works when you are already happy on a particular day and it sometimes work, temporarily when you are not happy. Then when a stressful situation arises, the old thoughts get activated, that abusive inner-critic raises its head and says: try to pretend I am not here, but guess who is here anyway…?

    There is a way, a hope- the Healing Path I call it. It takes longer and requires a whole lot of attentiveness/ mindfulness and persistence than the law of attraction. Therapy with a competent, empathetic, hard working therapist is a good place to start.

    Hope you post again…

    anita

    #110698
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Aschristyseesit,

    So much of what you wrote resonated with me. I’ve had social anxiety and general anxiety for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it’s barely there and manageable. Other times, it makes me want to run and hide away. It makes me feel so physically and emotionally ill that sometimes I don’t even know how I manage to go through the motions of life. I can say for certainty that there are spells during which I find myself aggravated, irritated, worried, and upset just about everything. I find myself nitpicking myself and my experiences.

    However, practicing mindfullness and taking it one day at a time, has greatly helped me. I still have bad days, but it has gotten so much better that quite honestly, sometimes I forget about how much I used to hate/fear doing certain things.

    I agree with Inky in that we live in society that seeks to blame the victim. However, we also live in a society in which it is unacceptable to be happy with one self or one’s life. It seems as though society wants everyone to be miserable. You can’t post a good picture about yourself, or say something without offending someone/inviting them to berate you on how privileged or selfish you are. I’ve seen so many people get backlash over sharing a good moment in their life. One that comes to mind is a man who had lost a significant amount of weight and was happy to share his progress. Some commended him for his efforts, other said he was showing off, that others had done better, etc. Another woman shared a picture of herself while being pregnant saying how she managed to stay in shape and eat healthy. A lot of people were rude and said she was putting her child in danger, that she wasn’t eating enough, that it wasn’t healthy, that she was offending those who were not lucky enough to have the same results etc.

    Continually I see more and more people attacking each other for being happy with themselves and their lives. It’s sad that we continuously tear each other down for being happy. We should aim to build each other up, not tear each other down. Sadly, I hear so many people say that, while bashing someone, and then they say they are not bashing anyone, it’s happened to me. However, I honestly mean it.

    What I am trying to say is, I don’t find it strange at all that you seem to seek to make yourself feel guilty. I don’t mean that to be harsh at all. I’ve been there and felt that way. What I am trying to say is that it is becoming more and more common for people to blame themselves. I don’t like that at all. Why are we so intent on getting people to hate themselves/make themselves guilty?

    I also agree with Inky in regards to being ashamed of my anxiety and then being ashamed because I was ashamed. I’ve felt that so often, that I didn’t know what to make of it, and I just ended up feeling a lot more frustrated.

    Yes, you can be that carefree individual you want to be. However, that won’t be everyday. Some days you’ll feel amazing, others not so much. You just have to learn that the anxiety will always be with you, I don’t believe it’s something that will go away completely but it does become manageable. I don’t think it will haunt you your whole life, so long as you don’t let it control you. While you do have to validate your guiltiness and remorse, etc. you cannot let it control you. You have to accept it and try to move past it.

    #110700
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello,

    You just told my life story 🙂 Exactly the same thing happened to me, and I am still on the long road of recovery :)I tried basically everything when it comes to anxiety, and though there are still bad days and a lot to be handled, I also can say that I am much better and I can share something I’ve learned

    1) You always had a reason to worry and struggle, right? Do you know that you trained your brain to worry, to think ‘better safe than sorry’ and now it just runs on autopilot.. Read more about neuroplasticity, please. It’s not your fault why you are anxious, and you can not ‘think your way out of anxiety’. And the Law of Attraction won’t help here. You can also ‘dig’ for weeks with psychologist why you are anxious, blame ‘mummy, daddy’… and though it’s good to get to the core, still just getting there doesn’t solve the problem also. C Anxiety is a special condition that needs different approach.. What you need to do is train your brain and body again, this time to relax, to get out of the negative patterns of thinking, to learn to ground yourself. To build new roads, new ways of thinking, and to push your brain to use these new roads instead of the old, destructive ones. And this takes bit effort and time, and practice on daily basis.

    2) So, as I said train your body/brain to relax. Yoga, meditation, prayer, mindfulness, breathing exercises, whatever works, you can do it all at once if you want. But at least half an hour, and every day!. Exercise is a must also, whatever you can, as much as you can… Your body will produce enough serotonin that will keep you calm.. It might take month or two constant effort, but you will see the first results, I promise. You will get that clarity most of the time that will make you trust life again..

    3) Whenever something triggers a negative thought, try to identify it, stop yourself, and ask yourself -is this worry really rational? Cause most of the thoughts that rush through your mind and worry you… you know they are not true. Unmask them one by one, day by day… And also, at least once per day remind yourself of few things that you are grateful for. You came on work on time, payed the bills, cooked nice meal… Give yourself some credit for all these stuff. Change the negativity through practice to positivism. Try cognitive behavioral therapy maybe… It does wonders with anxiety. You can get online courses if you can’t get a therapist.

    Anxiety takes a lot of energy. Do not feed it by googling about it ‘damaging’ force, do not waste even more energy on guilt, and try to figure it out with the same brain that produced it, or spend more time than necessary on how and why it happened. As someone who trusts the Law of Attraction, you might know about the vibration of the emotions, guilt is very very low on the scale.. Invest your time and energy wisely on rebuilding new patterns of thinking and training yourself to relax. It’s the only thing that helps, trust me…

    #110713
    Mark
    Participant

    Wow, what great advice on this board. I just wanted to add a few things. First, if there were more supportive communities like this I don’t think there would be so much anxiety and unnecessary suffering in the world. I have hope for the future because of communities like this.

    I also just wanted to reiterate that a lot of the times we make things worse by the things we add to our anxiety. I think if you tried to turn toward your suffering more and work with it you will begin to find more peace. I know you just want to be happy and carefree. I know. I know how scary your emotions can get when you feel overwhelmed — that’s why it’s good to find people who you can talk with and support you. Stay present — when we “time travel” in our head too much to our past worries or future anticipations we cause ourselves a great deal of unnecessary suffering — I don’t think people know how much. Good luck!

    #110714
    365daysofkindness
    Participant

    I agree with Mark above me. It’s amazing to see people taking the time to write these thoughtful messages.

    This may be simplistic, but this video really helps me: http://www.medicaldaily.com/take-deep-breath-calm-panic-attack-392343

    I kind of watched it as a joke at first but now I have it bookmarked and go back to it every time I feel feelings of anxiety rising in me.

    I hope you know that there are many, many people who feel the way you do. We are all in this together.

    Best,
    http://www.365daysofkindness.com

    #110742
    Christy
    Participant

    Inky,

    I am overwhelmed by the amount of kindness and support I have received here. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps more than I would have believed. I have never heard of these other laws; I really appreciate you sharing them today.

    I wholeheartedly agree with you on that I feel guilty when things are good. When things are bad I worry because well, of course, things are bad. When things are good I worry about how it’s all going to come crashing down because it can’t possibly be this good. I’ve mostly worked through this and let go of this mentality over the last year, but you’re so right. It the past every small thing was such a struggle!

    Cheers,
    Christy

    #110743
    Christy
    Participant

    Socialchangebutterfly16,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond, I’m sorry that you have anxiety that you have to deal with as well. You make a good point about how others seem to have it all under control, and really those kinds of thoughts are comparisons which we know lay the groundwork for unhappiness. This is one that I forget all the time. It’s so unhealthy to compare to others, but I find myself doing it far more often than I’d like to admit.

    A mental behavior that I ignore often is even comparing myself to myself, and I find it can be equally unhealthy. There’s a fine line between self-betterment and berating and it seems like whenever I remember to stop comparing I forget to stop feeling guilty or whatever, and on and on it goes. One thing I know for sure is trying to “control” all these thoughts and feelings definitely doesn’t work. When you get a handle on one, another one slithers out. It seems like self-forgiveness is really the place to start.

    Thank you 🙂

    #110744
    Christy
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thanks too for responding 🙂

    I agree with you entirely!! I get so tired of pretending! I’ve done it in the past, thinking fake-it-til-ya-make-it but so far that hasn’t worked for me lol. It’s better than being a glum sourpuss, I guess, but with that comes this whole expectation that “I’m acting happy but I’m not happy but I should be happy, omg why I am not happy” dialogue; cue shame, guilt, and resentment.

    Can you tell me more about what you refer to as your Healing Path? I’ve worked with a therapist in the past and dug a lot of things from the inner depths of my mind, learned what mindfulness meant and how to practice it daily, but I’m not in a place where I can visit a physical therapist. Any more resources would be greatly appreciated 🙂

    #110746
    Christy
    Participant

    Aislynn,

    I agree with you, there’s definitely an ebb and flow to my anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world and others I’m completely blindsighted by the fact that it’s been months where I’ve just been going through the motions of life, stressed and anxious. It’s like I wake up thinking, “how did I get here?”

    Nitpicking is such a good choice of word. I can say that unless I’m actively practicing these techniques I nitpick myself to death constantly. And the kicker — tell me if you agree with me here — is that I would never consider nitpicking others like this! I’m understanding and quick to forgive others. I can see where they came from and why they did whatever it was and with a snap of the fingers I’m over it. I don’t hold grudges toward anyone except for myself.

    What are some of your favorite mindfulness techniques?

    #110747
    Ana Machado
    Participant

    Hey Aschristyseesit,

    While turning 20 I developed anxiety disorder and started having panic attacks as well. I had just broken up my 4 year old relationship with my boyfriend, which was intoxicating and demanding on me and was finally free and happy out of something poisoning. Myself, just like you, had EVERYTHING to be happy and still anxiety caught me in a corner. Now, at age 24, it came back under a different shape, with a constant sense of anxiety rather than sudden anxiety rages as before.
    Most people here will probably be able to give you some real practical advice over what you are going through, as I personally am here just to show you that this is more common than anyone in the world can imagine and you are not alone. Something that helped me before was realizing that I had an emptiness inside of me I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, till I recognized it was my own.
    So my anxiety is definitely related to my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and fear of taking my life forward. And knowing this process always starts from the inside out and it’s an emergency alert status your soul shows you in order for you to fix a major piece of that which is broken…

    I hope I could help 🙂 and thank you for sharing your fears with us all!

    #110748
    Christy
    Participant

    Maria!

    If I told your life story then you picked up exactly where I left off!

    Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve learned. YES, I always had a reason to worry and struggle. YES, I’ve trained my brain to do this. You are so spot on here for me; in an effort to keep me safe as a child some of my family members absolutely had a “better safe than sorry” mentality. This was ingrained deep within me. The world is a dangerous place — worry and fear — these are good things, these will keep you safe. This mentality was supposed to be a good thing, and yes I get it there’s a time and place to be prepared, but I was taught to needlessly worry. I was taught to worry from my family and I later taught myself to worry. So much so that I’m realizing that I believed for a very long time that worrying prevented danger. How silly to see that spelled out. Of course worry is wasted energy, anyone can tell you that, but what about when worry masquerades as preparedness? Ahh, then you think this worrying is a justified use of energy and before long your brain has been 100% trained in the art of pointless worry and anxiety. And yes, this is the part where I blame “mommy and daddy.” I’ve been there, held anger for them, but thankfully as I’ve begun to forgive myself I’ve begun to forgive them as well. I can see that it’s not their fault, they were just doing what they thought was best and you can’t fault anyone for that.

    I am so happy to see you point out that my trained brain is now just running on autopilot, because it is, it so is. I really feel like I am stabbing in the dark trying to handle all of this on my own and from what I can self-identify and then search on the internet. It’s been a slow process without a community to speak with and I’m grateful for this forum here. What a great group of supportive people. 🙂

    From what I’ve found on the internet before this has been the letting go of anxiety must be a passive approach. They say you can’t do anything. That was the hardest part of all, hearing that I can’t do anything, that I just have to wait and let it flow through me. It’s good advice for when I’m in the throws of a panic attack, but truth be told panic attacks are very, very rare for me these days. More than anything I’m dealing with this trained autopilot way of thinking and I want to run to wherever you are and throw my arms around you! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing Maria.

    Yoga is an amazing gift and with as much as it helps me I really should do it more often; I only do yoga about once a week, typically choosing intense fitness instead. I need to make more time for it. Have you been to doyogawithme.com? It is an amazing wealth of resources. And yes, I completely agree fitness is a must. It’s rare that I go more than two days in a row without exercising, and when I do my whole world lacks focus. It’s dramatic but true! you mention the serotonin that your body gets and yes endorphins are obviously huge, especially if you work out frequently you begin to get addicted (in a good way!) and your body misses those endorphins when you don’t workout, making you feel even more down. Chalene Johnson is an all-time favorite of mine and while she’s a fitness star her true passion is personal development so exercising with her videos is a great all-in-one. If you’re looking for something new search for TurboFire or PiYo by her…and if you’re looking for just a killer intense workout go to lesmillsondemand and try the Body Combat to feel seriously accomplished and proud of yourself! Lol but I digress…I could talk about fitness for hours 😉

    You mention to give myself credit for the small things that I do properly and this is big one, I think. I just realized after starting this forum yesterday that I rarely give credit to myself for facing things that stress me out. In an effort to overcome some of my triggers I face them head on and when I get through it, all sweaty and fumbling and nervous, instead of being proud of myself I mentality say, “you shouldn’t get so worked up about something so trivial anyway. It’s nothing to be proud of” and then I compare myself to how I “should have been” instead. I hope that just by recognizing this pattern I can start to give myself pats on the back and train away this mental behavior.

    I will look more into online courses for the cognitive therapy, I’m not in a place where I can visit a therapist so something online is exactly what I’m looking for. Do you have any favorites of your own?

    Truly a tremendous help, Maria. Thank you kind soul! 🙂

    #110749
    Christy
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you for your kind words and offering of support. It means a lot to me. Having a community isn’t something that I’ve had in my life for quite some time and coming here and finding one so open and honest and helpful has truly been a blessing. Keep your hope for humanity! 🙂

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.