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friend who copy my dream and my goal

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  • #122141
    jess2277
    Participant

    Hello guys,

    I’ve been confused and uncomfortable with a relationship between me and my close friend for awhile. It’s difficult for me to talk about this with anyone around me coz me and her seem to be a very best friend couple.

    I and ‘C’ know each other for 4-5 years. She seemed to be a very nice person with good heart. We’re interested in similar thing and that’s why we were getting along pretty well. I told her everything about my lifelong dream, my plans or any ideas that came up in my mind.
    I dreamt to buy a land and start permaculture farming and try living sustainably. When I told her about this, she was not so interesting and said that she was not into agriculture stuff.
    Later on, I managed to buy a small land and plan to built a house. Then, she came up with the idea of building a house in her land too. I thought that could be coincident that she want to do it at the same time as mind.
    In the end, with my financial problem, I stop my building project but she could manage to borrow her parents money and finished her house. I was kind of sad when I saw her finished house and when she told everyone that she build her own house despite the fact that she got supported from her parent. I know I should be happy for her but I can’t stop those negative feeling inside me.

    Then, I decided to get marriage with my boyfriend whom I was in relationship with for almost 5 years. A week after my wedding, she went to sign marrige certificate with her new boyfriend whom she was in relationship for 3 months. I feel a little bit weird for her to being so rush but that’s her choice.
    Her husband like to grow things so she announced that she and her husband would start permaculture farm and living sustainably. Yes… that’s exactly what I dream of.. And the worst thing is, in her Facebook page, she was using my words that I told her about my attitude toward small scale farming to promote her farm project. That’s drive me crazy for a moment. I don’t know how should I feel to her…is she really still my friend? don’t she know what she has done is hurting me? or may be she didn’t do anything wrong but it’s just me who jealous of her?

    I try to forgive and forget and maintain our relationship. One day in our conversation, I was talking about my next plan that I want to open workshop space for art and craft. Few months later, when I visited her farm ,she told me that she plan to open workshop space in front of her house too. I feel like I was stabbing. I don’t know if she intentionally want to do everything I dream of and make me feel bad about myself or these are something she already want to do.

    Now I realise to keep my mouth shut and never ever share my interest to her anymore. I don’t want to heard any news about her farming life or even talk to her. I feel like I’m loosing my best friend whom I was always trust and share every thing. I don’t want to feel bad about her and take her as frenemy. Until now, I still confused if it is because of her or me who is wrosen our friendship?

    What should I do in this situation? In your opinion, what is the main cause if this problem? Does she consider to be a true friend or it is me who cannot be her true friend?

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by jess2277.
    #122151
    Peter
    Participant

    I understand why the situation is hurtful as your friend may be insensitive to your feelings. The rule of charity suggest talking to her about what you’re feeling however if you can’t or won’t all you can do is imagine why she is doing what she is doing. If this is the path you are going down the rule of charity suggests picking the better story that allows you to move forward and avoid the villain and victim stories that tend to keep us stuck.

    From what you wrote your friend may be inspired by you while you appear to be jealous. Imagine if you both had such farm, what you could learn from each other?

    May I ask, are you following through on your dreams? If you’re not, that has nothing to do with your friendship, so you may be projecting your frustration onto it.

    #122163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jess2277:

    Maybe your friend admires you and thinks so highly of your ideas that she takes action on your ideas and make them come true for her.

    Maybe she is not aware that you are hurting.

    As to your question: “Does she consider to be a true friend or it is me who cannot be her true friend?” It takes two to make a friendship, so the fact that you’ve been hurting for a long time, not communicating your hurt to her makes it not a true friendship, and so neither one of you is a true friend.

    As to your question: “What should I do in this situation?” One of two things: either distant yourself from her, so you don’t fake a friendship OR share your feelings with her and see her response: does she have empathy for you? Has she been aware of your hurt? And if she was aware, did she derive satisfaction from your jealousy? Find out her thoughts and feelings on this matter.

    anita

    #122164
    Dreamer04
    Participant

    Hey there.

    I have been through the exact same thing but just on a slightly different basis but I’m glad my friend and I have sorted the issue long time ago. My only advice would be I suggest you confront her in a polite manner and let her know how you feel about what she is doing. If she retaliated, just let her be. Focus on your life and your goals and continue being who you are. Over time, she will ( trust me ) start realizing what she’s doing and believe it or not, things will be back to normal again. I know my advice seems really simple but thats the same things that happened in my case as well.

    Hope things will get better for you. Keep the smile and don’t worry too much. Take care ! 🙂

    #122166
    Dreamer04
    Participant

    Just to add, this could also be a sign that she idolizes you. Yes it is very frustrating but it’s only because she wants to be as good as you. My friend told me this when i confronted her and it left me in shock but that was that. I reassured her that she should be however she choses to be as long as she doesn’t invade into another person’s life way too much. Things are greater now and she’s literally one of the few friends who have stuck along since last time.

    #122247
    jess2277
    Participant

    Dear Peter

    Thank you very much for your advise. Yes, that’s my ideal picture. We both could have a farm and sharing our product and knowledge. I should be happy with her but in reality, I don’t understand why it is so hard.

    And it could be true as you said. With my life condition and financial status, to reach my goal is not so easy so I take a very slow steps. I’ve been read through few article about one up manship friend or someone who have been copied their dream or goal. It could be something about my egotism and identity because I feel like I am the one who came up with this idea before her. Then, I become the one who seem to be copying her because I started it later.

    I and her had set up a small business together. Before she built her house in a countryside, we were working along and run this business together in the city. Once her house finished and she decided to start her farm , she just left those management part on me and only did what she can do from far away. That’s mean she can start her farm whereas I had to run the business and finish up those left over project in the city. Every time when she return to the town, she always tell me how beautiful her life is in the countryside and how shitty the city life is. That’s also made me frustrated to see her progress in something I wanted to do but I had to stuck with many responsibilities in the city.

    Now, she has started her farm for a year with help of her husband and start selling some products while I just start building my house on an empty land. However, once I start sharing this story to you guys, it help me pulling myself back and focusing on what I want to do but I don’t know why I always feel down when I see her showing off her farming story and living a life I dream of.

    I never expect that one day I will become this kind of person who cannot be happy for friend happiness. Am I a bad person? How can get rid of this negativity?

    #122248
    jess2277
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you very much for your advise. I’ve been trying to figure out how she really feel and what does she think about me but it’s not so easy for me to open up and start talking to her about this. I can imagine that she wouldn’t take it as her mistake coz what she is doing is no harm to anyone. Maybe I would try to keep distant from her until I feel better and ready to meet her again.

    #122249
    jess2277
    Participant

    Dear Dreamer04
    Thank you very much for understanding my situation clearly and give me an advise. I will try to do what you say..focusing on my goal and being who I am even sometime I feel pain when I think of what she has done. Talking to her about this stuff seem to be very difficult for me. I hope time will heal everything.

    Thank god that I have a chance to tell this to someone and get some advise back even I don’t know you guys in person. I feel very grateful to all your attention on my story.

    Thank you very much indeed.. : )

    #122270
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, jess2277. You do have the option to ask her (in a calm, non-accusatory way) what her thoughts and feelings are for the purpose of getting the information you need about her intents.
    anita

    #122271
    Peter
    Participant

    I never expect that one day I will become this kind of person who cannot be happy for friend happiness. Am I a bad person? How can get rid of this negativity?

    You are not a bad person. I think often it’s the labeling of our such experiences as bad that end up magnifying the ‘negativity’ we feel.

    You want to be happy for your friend but a part of you doesn’t and you feel bad about it but want to do something about it. To me this show signs of someone who learning to become authentic. That this experience is a opportunity for growth

    My experience and observations has been that pretending not to have these negative feelings, pushing them back and then beating oneself up by labeling ourselves as ‘bad’ only gives power to the experience.

    It seem to me you are already taking the steps to deal with this negativity by noticing it.

    #384795
    Jackson
    Participant

    I’ve experienced this and I’m SOO MAD. I told my friend about my dream college in Germany and he kept making fun of me and next thing he asks me what exactly do you need to be accepted in my dream university. I then found out he was taking German courses and he told his other best friend about it so that he can company him and they’re both in touch so that they’ll travel together. And when I confronted him he said he wanted a person to go with him and I thought he was talking about me but then he broadly said “I didn’t say that person was you”. He didn’t even want to admit he stole my plans. I really want to kill him right now. I tried to stay positive and think of it that I’m helping a friend, but is he really a friend after copying my plans and then avoiding me. He is also smarter than me (so he’s more likely to get accepted) I keep getting thoughts of him making it to MY dream college and achieving MY dream life, which he wouldn’t think about if it wasn’t me who told him about it.

    #384803
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Jackson:

    If you would like to, you are welcome to start your own thread, and explain your situation there. If you do, I will reply to you there.

    anita

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