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Handling guilt over ex's suicidal tendencies

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  • #67118
    Onion
    Participant

    This is very hard to summarize, so I apologize for a very long post. I also apologize for grammatical mistakes. English is not my first language, but I give my best shot. Here is the bottom line: I am currently becoming overwhelmed by guilt due to my ex girlfriend’s suicide threats for not returning to her. Her state have worsened since we’ve broken up, and I feel responsible. I am constantly confused whether I need to go back to her, even if I do not love her anymore and see no way the relationship will be stable.

    And here is the story behind it:

    I lost most of my connections while I was in relationship because I poured all my time and energy to my ex. I am afraid to discuss this with my family due to their view on homosexuality. So I search answers online, find similar stories…In fact, that’s how I found tinybuddha.com. I’ve been keeping this website close for few months now, and I thought I could attempt reaching out to someone on the forum. When I read things that are not direct to me, I think I only read and remember what I want to hear, so maybe there is something I need to hear that I don’t want to hear.

    I was in a relationship with my ex for about a year before I just could not bear her verbal abuse and tantrums anymore. After I left, my ex’s fury escalated. My ex was especially traumatized because I told her “I will never leave you”, and I broke that promise. (I really learned my lesson that you need to think VERY hard about saying something like that). My ex has been sending me blackmails, death/legal(?) threats, accusations, and other harassing messages almost for 11 months since we broke up now. The messages are almost daily, but I may have encouraged it because I kept trying to talk to her. I am not entirely sure what I was aiming for when I am doing that. Give her closure, offer apologies, redeem myself, relieve misunderstandings…? I suppose deep inside, I am looking for forgiveness, but I shouldn’t ask for that out of my ex anymore. Regardless, I don’t think I have a thick skin, so her words are VERY hard for me to chew down. She words make me feel like I am not even a human being, rips me apart. I feel scared, guilty, humiliated, angry, and absolutely exhausted. My ex was a victim of child abuse, so she probably grew up hearing these incredibly horrible words from her mother. So I try to remind myself that she is trying to share the pain so that she won’t feel so alone and frightened.

    Unfortunately, I am no saint…toward the end of our relationship I really fought back, which I regret very much. I’ve always been an anxious person, and my anxiety level shot up during the relationship. I could not predict when my ex will explode with anger. That’s was not the only source of my anxiety; she have strangled me before. Though that happened only once, I can’t seem to forget about it. Due to the overwhelming guilt and shame, I tried to kill myself. (I failed). Panic attacks began to occur, but thankfully is now under control with medication and therapy. I try to remind myself that my ex is lashing out all her feelings on me because she has nothing else to hold on to. My ex has nobody else, and she is in intense emotional pain, beyond what I can imagine. Also, my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder, which is already familiar to me due to a family member. I feel like a fool thinking that I could “save” my ex. I should have known better. I am no doctor. I truly overestimated my ability, and I feel very ashamed. But I do feel that I did my absolute best. Before things got out of hand, I was able to use what I know to be at my ex’s side, just hang out, while staying as much as I can, directed her to difference resources, learn to forgive, and ultimately protect myself through the whole process. But like I said, I am no saint…I made many mistakes, and I hit my limit. I began to retaliate more and more. I made many criticisms on her behavior. I spoke so spitefully…I was feeling so much anger and fear. I imagine that my words devastated my ex. But I think what hurt my ex the most is the silence. I would shut down due to exhaustion, and it severely triggered my ex. The relationship was spiraling out of control! But I can’t forget that ex’s condition worsened after I left her.

    I can’t figure out what to do with all these guilt. My ex is doing quite bad, and I feel deserving of my ex’s harassment. She have quit school, and express no hope for the future. I knew that my ex had BPD, and I just made her worse. I have ruined someone’s life and now I am rightfully marked with revenge. But, is my guilt overblown? I just don’t know how to think of this situation. (Or maybe I do, but looking for external validation…oh no, that doesn’t sound healthy) Just today my ex shared that she returned from hospital from another suicide attempt. And I feel like a horrible person that my first reaction in my head is “I am so exhausted”. It is just about clear to me that I do not want to return being my ex’s girlfriend, but I did not mean to intensify her suffering.

    On one hand, I think I shouldn’t blame myself, because my ex was like this before I met her. On the other hand, how can I NOT blame myself? I’ve been advised to leave this person, and cut all contact, but it feels wrong to me. I also have been advised many times I need to take care of myself first, but that feels selfish to me. It seems she is throwing even harsher tantrum in front of her family, smashing furniture and now torturing her pet. And I am the cause.

    Then again, doing the right thing doesn’t always FEEL right. Hmm…It is a cycle of thought that never ends. I want to move on. I want to find joy in life again. I want to learn new things. My school has so much to offer and I am missing out because I am constantly battling with my own emotions. But…do I not deserve this because of what I’ve done?

    Thank you so much for reading my story…it means a lot to me that you took your time to read it. I apologize again for such a long post.

    Few things to note here: My ex and I are currently in a different country. I have called suicide hotline few times now, (cannot call emergency number from another country) and I am observing no difference. A big fault on my part: I kept responding to my ex’s messages. I am weak, so I reply sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of anger, but mostly out of guilt. I acknowledge that this the worst possible thing to do in this situation; I am dragging and making this thousand times harder for both of us. But I cannot stop myself. The longest I’ve hold it off is a month and a half…

    Again, thank you so much for reading.

    #67119
    Inky
    Participant

    1. Just because someone contacts you doesn’t mean you have to respond.
    2. You have to look out for yourself. If you don’t, you will be of no help to anyone.
    3. You are not a professional. This is clearly a mental health disorder she’s going through. By playing into her dysfunction, you are actually contributing to her disorder and making it worse.
    4. Her throwing tantrums because you set boundaries is a good thing. That means what you are doing is working! Eventually she will collapse in exhaustion and figure it out. Dare I say, act like a human being.
    5. You are not dealing with your ex as person. You are dealing with a disorder that has taken over her being and personality. It is not her. She is possessed.
    6. Take some time off. Block her email and numbers. Move if you have to. She will get help, get better or find another victim.

    So much here! But start with this.

    #67133
    Mango Luv
    Participant

    It really sounds like a gut wretching situation you are in. I know this must be hard, and I think so do you given what you have said about how this all effects you. Take this into consideration, listen to what your body/mind are telling you about the situation. If it hurts, allow yourself the space to feel that, its okay. Treat yourself kindly during this process, even through the pain.

    As I write this to you, I am 2 years shy of a BPD diagnosis myself. And before you mentioned her diagnosis, I imaediately knew this was what was going on. Because of my personal experiences, I can say it seems like this is a major force that is driving her. Like the commenter Inky has said, this is almost like a possession of sorts- and not the real person. Think about that for a few moments before you take the guilt onto your shoulders, because its actually not your fault.

    You might feel some fault because you continued to talk with her after the break up, but you likely did so because you care and did not want her to feel abandoned or hated. Whatever your reasoning, I bet it came from that deep place inside of your heart that tends to evade logic. Emotions and logic aren’t hand in hand, and feeling emotion does not make you foolish or otherwise. It also dosent make you guilty for someone else’s behaviors either.

    Here is a tip, stick to your boundaries. Not only because it will eventually help her understand how to respect them, but because you will respect yourself much more for it. Just because you have to cut off communication, does not make you a cold or insensitive person. It means you care about yourself, and that is an extremely important quality to uphold. As you see in your ex, what happens when you dont.

    Her suicidal thinking and behaviors are not your fault either. This is her way of escaping, coping or releasing the demon inside of her. I know because I’ve been there myself. Think about it this way, she had these impulses and behaviors long before you ever met her. They can’t be your fault. We know this is true because of her diagnosis, and terrible past. We know this is true because frequent/chronic suicidal thinking/behavior is a trademark of the BPD diagnosis. Once again this is more proof that the guilt you feel is not based in truth.

    Remember this, when you feel guilt it is a feeling- But it does not define you as a person. You do not have to wear your guilt as part of you, no matter how intense it is.

    Now, I am no stranger to guilt. I suffered crippling guilt over the horrible breakup I had with my ex. My behaviors and such hit me smack in the face and I felt like I could not function for several months. The guilt took over, and I gave it many months of my life and my recovery. You know what my therapist told me?

    She said guilt isn’t a useful feeling. It dosen’t help us grow. Initially, it is there to teach us sometimes if we have gone wrong- but if we continue to replay our mistakes over and over again in our head, we are not actually growing from them. The purpose of making mistakes is to learn from them, not to be defined by them.

    And then there are times when guilt did not stem from a mistake you made, but rather the fact that you are an empathetic person who cares. There is no guilt in this! You have a big heart for your ex, and likely you are a caring person in general. This is something to be proud of, not ashamed. We need you here.

    On your suicide attempt: Please stay here with us. When the darkness clutters your waking moments, remmember that darkness is not all there is. Remember that for as long as you have this physical body, you can see beautiful things too. Take that beauty it and let it humble you. You are important and have so much in you yet that you haven’t even discovered.

    She will be okay some day my friend, I am living proof. I am crying as I type this. Please stay here with us.

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