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Handling mom's illness

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #127144
    A. Prashanth
    Participant

    Hello,
    I’m 28 yrs old and have anxiety disorder. I’ve always been an anxious person, but it went to a whole new level when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014. I’m not from a financially secure family. I wasted a couple years of my life trying to become a published author and so have been lagging behind in my profession as a content writer (earning much less than people my age). My dad just a couple months back left his job and is not finding a job that easily because he is already 60 (and I can’t expect him to.) My mother had been the one working, even through most of her radiation and chemo treatments. After her breast cancer was treated, she was fine for a while before she developed chronic cough, weight loss and exhaustion. She was given meds for acid reflux, for bacterial infections, cold, sinus, so on but nothing worked. Eventually she was diagnosed with TB (acquired during her chemo days with her immunity going down). All her TB symptoms disappeared after just two weeks of taking TB meds and she has been taking meds for over a year now. Now before stopping the meds, the docs asked to take a final X-ray and CT scan. Now the CT scan shows nodules on the lungs and thyroid. Online articles say that they could be cancer returning and in the past three weeks she has once again been coughing non-stop, has lost a lot of weight, has shortness of breath and tiredness. With TB meds still being taken, it can’t be due to TB. She has already been given meds for acid reflux and sinus, as well as antibiotics, but nothing has worked. Now with her having chronic cough for over 3 weeks and the scan showing sub centimetre nodules, i’m pretty much convinced it is lung cancer. The docs are yet to go through the report and it is expected to happen tomorrow. While the wait happens, i’m so nervous and having mild panic attacks.
    Everyone who is born, has to die. No one is an exception. But i’m particularly concerned because my mom didn’t enjoy any of the things my friends’ moms have enjoyed. I haven’t done her proud by ‘wasting’ life on my writing (sorry one might find plenty of errors in this post, but my focus is not on being grammatically correct or aesthetically pleasing. It’s all just sorrow and fear pouring out, so please do excuse me.) I haven’t made her happy by marrying or at least having a girl friend or giving her grand kids, which she had been dreaming about for a long while. I’m really afraid that she might not get to live long enough to experience any of the good things that she deserves to enjoy. Guilt keeps plaguing me. Honestly, I just wanted to become a published writer and do her proud. But I have failed. Now it might be too late. I can’t marry or find a gf in this anxious mindset I am in right now and who knows how long my mom has. I’m trying to just see what things bother me presently.
    1. Of course it is about losing my mom and missing her.
    2. Me not having satisfied much of her desires as a responsible son must have.
    3. The whole process of biopsy, radiation, chemo, all over again and the anxiety surrounding it.
    4. The financial aspect, with our savings already depleted in her breast cancer treatment.
    5. I also want her to undergo death in the most peaceful and painless manner, not struggling and suffering from cancer.
    6. I have also spent so much time praying and trying to trust God with my life thus far. If she succumbs to cancer, then my faith in God will also shake. This faith is the only one that has kept me going thus far.
    7. The whole hospital atmosphere and the horrid feeling surrounding it.
    8. I know I will hate myself if after my mom passes on, I get all sorts of good stuff. I’m afraid I wouldn’t enjoy any of it without her having enjoyed it.
    9. My concern of how the family would break.
    10. Lack of siblings to help me around or close friends who are near me (most are overseas now).
    11. Fear of if her body will be able to undergo more meds and treatment after all that she has been through.
    12. My mom’s cousin who was at least 20 years younger than her, died a couple weeks ago from lung cancer as well. So this keeps making me more worried and scared.
    So many of these thoughts flood my mind. I can’t find peace. Tomorrow and the following week is a big moment. The docs will come
    back with a response to the reports. It is so overwhelming. As ever I don’t know what I’m expecting from posters here. I’m just pouring my thoughts down.

    #127178
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Prasanth,

    It is a tough time and I know it’s killing you from inside and you feel like everything is slipping away. But always remember this – she loves you and for a mom, her child’s happiness is the main thing.

    Whether you have gf or fame or anything or all possessions in the world, you will always be her little boy. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Sometimes these unfortunate things do happen. I have no clue why despite the best precautions people take.

    I am not sure what the result will be tomorrow but for whatever time you have left, just spend them with her happily or simply hold her hand, read her something or play some music she likes. Click lot of pictures – this is one thing you will have along with a treasure trove of memories, whatever be the result. We all have to go eventually but it’s important to make good memories.

    Whenever you feel overwhelmed with life, take a moment to sit in a quiet, green filled place – get the fresh air and breathe. Breathe through that anxiety and pain. You are not alone in this though. Everyone here especially is reading, we all care immensely – many here have had such terrible losses and suffering.

    This situation is something you can’t entirely control but life will go on despite everything. That’s the weird thing about it.

    Please continue to post whenever you feel like. I hope you will be alright.

    Regards
    Nina

    #127181
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear A. Prashanth:

    It is regrettable that your mother is suffering so much. I hope her health improves, and that she will not be suffering.

    I re-read some of your previous writing in previous threads. The anxiety you suffer from- your parents, one maybe, more than the other, have been significantly anxious your whole life- that is why they didn’t allow you to go on that school trip you regret so much not going on, and this is why they didn’t allow you to drive a vehicle, fearing for your safety. Their anxiousness harmed you and significantly affected your life negatively.

    This anxiety, theirs, yours, needs to be managed, healed from, best you can.

    You feel guilty- but notice, you wrote that most of your siblings are oversees. It is you who is present; you who are more in your mother’s life than your siblings, isn’t it so?

    You wanted to make your mother proud by becoming a published writer, and you worked so hard for that goal. Does your mother know that? Does she appreciate how intensely you wanted to make her proud and how hard you worked to make her proud? That is your love for her in-practice. The work you did is evidence of your love for her. I hope she takes in this love and finds comfort in it.

    Before the recent developments in your mother’s health you were most worried about your 87 year old grandmother. Anxiety is something that you need to deal with as you go on. Please be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself. Do not add to your distress by adding unjustified guilt to it.

    You are not responsible for your mother’s illness and it is not your job to get married and have children so to please her, regardless of her health status. It simply is not your job.

    I hope she gets better, that she doesn’t suffer more; that you get better, and that you will find relief from your suffering.

    anita

    #127513
    A. Prashanth
    Participant

    A big thanks to you Anita, for being so patient and replying to my every post. Tiny Buddha is a good place to pour the noises in the mind and it helps when people like you so politely and kindly respond, without hurting anyone’s feelings. Most of my posts, though I know are silly, unreal and most times childish, I write down nonetheless because I couldn’t share those thoughts at the time when I’m undergoing an emotional turmoil with people around me. It’s great that so many compassionate people here offer such wonderful and comforting words. A big thanks to you. A little update, mom’s been made to undergo a Bronchoscopy test (which she struggled with a lot). Her tissue samples have been sent for biopsy and I should know the results in less than a week. I’m trying my best to distract myself with my work, with good positive thoughts and believing that God is watching and is protecting us in every way. Thanks for being patient with my posts.

    #127515
    A. Prashanth
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your reply Nina. It’s been very comforting to read through your words. I couldn’t thank you enough. I am trying to keep a positive outlook and I pray all will be well soon. It was just a very tough period, when my emotions were going crazy that I wrote down the above posts. It’s a great relief that people like you reply with warm and kind words. Owe the people in Tiny Buddha big time. Thanks once again

    #127579
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear A. Prashanth:

    You are very welcome. Thank you for your kinds words of appreciation.

    You wrote that most of your posts “are silly, unreal and most times childish”- I don’t think so, don’t see your posts as any of these things. Your feelings are real and valid and need to be treated with empathy and respect. There is always a valid message behind every one of our emotions, and that valid message is never silly.

    anita

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