Elby,

I’m sorry for the difficulty you’re having in letting go of the past. I know how puzzling it can be when we feel we have been treated unjustly. Luckily there is a solution that doesn’t require anything beyond what tools you already have!

You already know, accept and understand that healthy minds do not produce fruit like that. You’ve seen it in the kids you help, where circumstances lead them to act oddly, in ways that do not fit the situation they’re in. The difference there is that you are already prepared to not make their reactions about you. The kids meet up with some experience and respond in unexpected ways.

To me, this is what I see in her behavior. For reasons unknown (and reasons that you don’t need to know) her mind was stressed. Perhaps her brother situation filled her with stress and painful emotions. When she encountered your post, she had a cathartic release with you in the crosshairs. Said differently, her words had more to do with her stress and unskillful coping mechanisms than you. If she didn’t have that stress, she would have easily resolved her issues by picking up the phone.

From your side, for reasons perfectly understandable, you made it about you. It was public, corrosive and emotionally disturbing. The shock and fear produced stress in your mind, which compressed into anger… and as you sought your history with the woman, it only added fuel. Christmas eve, job for the son, friendship… all of those things only provided a greater sense of injustice to her actions.

However, anger is not just, it severs. Its painful in the beginning, middle and end. Buddha said it was like holding a fiery ember with the intention of throwing it at someone, but our hand is the one burned. One of my teachers told me that sometimes our anger gets so thick that we feel its justified. This he called “negative negativity” or self sustaining negative emotions, and we have to use the potency of our willpower to cut the cycle. Anger is corrosive to our own happiness, so we set down the ember.

Now, the moment is still bubbling in your mind, so it is also important to learn how to work with other’s negative blerting without taking it in. There is a story told about Buddha in this regard that has helped me on many occasions.

Once while the Blessed One stayed near Rajagaha in the Veluvana Monastery at the Squirrels’ Feeding Place, there lived at Rajagha a Brahman of the Bharadvaja clan who was later called “the Reviler.” When he learned that one of his clan had gone forth from home life and had become a monk under the recluse Gotama, he was angry and displeased. And in that mood he went to see the Blessed One, and having arrived he reviled and abused him in rude and harsh speech.

Thus being spoken to, the Blessed One said: “How is it, Brahman: do you sometimes receive visits from friends, relatives or other guests?”

“Yes, Master Gotama, I sometimes have visitors.”

“When they come, do you offer to them various kinds of foods and a place for resting?”

“Yes, I sometimes do so.”

“But if, Brahman, your visitors do not accept what you offer, to whom does it then belong?”

“Well, Master Gotama, if they do not accept it, these things remain with us.”

“It is just so in this case, Brahman: you revile us who do not revile in return, you scold us who do not scold in return, you abuse us who do not abuse in return. So we do not accept it from you and hence it remains with you, it belongs to you, Brahman…”

From: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/piyatissa/bl068.html

In this way, we can leave their presents at the door. Whatever stress and conditions lead her to create a post like that and turn away from you is her difficulty, her karma. Yours is only to learn how not to accept that present, making her words about you… because your mind is sacred and open, and does not deserve to collapse into painful states.

With warmth,
Matt