Have you tried making more friends , like that one you had in NY telling you to pursue your dreams? Your story is relatable and you don’t seem unnaturally crazy. However, after hearing your story, I want to say that THE city might not be the answer to your problems. It feels like it, but once you get there, will things really line up?

So have you thought about pursuing art? Or another interest? You said you could of changed your main subject to art or started something else.

Where have you thought about moving to now?

-Kory 🙂

Hi lostgirl,

I really enjoyed reading your story. To me your story is packed with spiritual richness, that you are really onto something, I sense you realise this? But do not trust it/yourself? Your story brought so many points to mind which I’d love to make.

Your desire to live in the US and innate ability let’s say with the English language reminded me of Paramahansa Yogananda’s desire to go off to the Himalayas in his book Autobiography of a Yogi (have you read it?). I never used to believe in past life stuff, I thought it was a load of nonsense, but reading that book changed all this for me. Anyway, it’s interesting because just like you he had a strong unexplainable urge to go there and made a number of attempts during his youth to escape to there, but each time he was thwarted. He reckoned he was drawn there by a past life experience, but the thing is in the end he never ended up there so I guess he didn’t really have to go there, i.e. it wasn’t an essential component to his life purpose, as you might put it.

It’s funny how you talk about how you came to study film, that “you don’t know why”. You also say the same thing again for going to Montreal. I recently heard a spiritual teacher talk about how people are often asking for advice from God, praying for answers etc, and claiming not to be receiving any answers, but that actually the truth is being communicated to us in lots of subtle ways all the time. He gave the example of how for instance you might see, in my case a hot looking woman, and that there’s a quick and quiet feeling/voice inside that says, “don’t do it”, and the mind often will then question it, why? why shouldn’t I approach her? etc. But the thing is the truth will never justify itself, it just is. He said that it’s given life a free gift, take it or leave it. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the universal life force if you will is moving through us all the time, we are it. My current spiritual understanding (by no mean infallible) is that “you don’t know why” is perfectly normal. The mind always wants to know (a function of the ego), always wants a reason why, but the higher intelligence is in charge and I’m sure you know by now that you can not reach the spiritual, truth, through the mind. You cannot work it out or get there through your logical reasoning function. From my experience whenever you try to do this you are just stifling the natural movement of life, and this is what I believe is the cause of all our struggles and suffering in life. This is the real meaning of going with the flow, and as it sounds, it’s effortless. However, it is also very difficult to do because it means having complete trust and faith in the universe. This is why you will read about how for spiritual masters life is effortless in this sense. They don’t struggle with life trying to work things out (which incidentally can’t be worked out). I practice Aikido and this is a physical demonstration of this spiritual principle – a few rare times it will happen that someone attacks me and I will throw them and it feels like I didn’t do anything – those times I was told I did it right. However, the majority of the time when someone attacks (life energy comes my way) I TRY to throw them, I struggle a bit, etc, and it just doesn’t work so well. To me it sounds great that at least you have done some of these things (gone with the flow) despite not understanding why, most people probably don’t, I know that for most of my life I haven’t or have at least struggled immensely trying to work things out instead of just letting them happen. To me, all you need to add are the ingredients of faith and trust in the universe and in your process. The book Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani helped me massively with this and I’d recommend it to you, it’s a nice read.

The seeing the London signs everywhere is a typical example of what happens when something is on your subconscious mind, it can result in selective seeing in your environment of anything associated with the object of your current desire.

Although you call your life a mess, I would call it a wonderful mess, and I think that is exactly the way life is meant to be. I think that the vast vast majority of people try to reduce the amount of chaos in their lives as much as possible, establish as much constancy and consistency as possible to get those things called security and control (an illusion of the ego). However, by doing this we stifle life. I saw the truth of this about 6 months ago in a certain situation I was in at the time. I really think that most people are effectively dead, they are living but they are not alive in the truest sense, because they have tried to remove themselves from the flow of life (whose nature is unpredictable) and in doing so have removed life itself. I guess this is one of the aspects of separation that spiritual people speak of.

Regarding things not ‘working out’ the first time round in London: “To everything there is a season”. To me there seems a perfect flow to your life story. It may just be that being in London the first time was to put the fire inside you to want to come back, but that the time wasn’t yet ripe for you to stay, that you first had to go through some other things first or/and certain things had to come into place, be set up for you. To me it’s all about trusting the almighty hand, maybe’s he/she is setting things up for you.

Lastly, “Trust Thyself” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. I really don’t think you’re going crazy. It sounds to me from your words that you have a sense that you know something perfectly non-crazy is happening, that again you just need to trust it, trust your own sense about it rather than the words of others. Most people will without doubt say something like that, i.e. maybe you should see someone, that’s it’s some mental dysfunction. People not on the spiritual path will never be able to comprehend such happenings, they cannot. By the same token (and I’m having equal difficulty with this one), as you start to progress in your spirituality, raise your awareness or vibration as some might say, you will start to experience an almighty chasm developing between yourself and family members as they remain in old (commonplace) awareness mode. Again, just as for your opening up experience, any higher knowledge, understanding, ideas, anything, will be incomprehensible to family, or rather only comprehensible at their current level of awareness, so whilst on the surface (intellectually) they will understand, they won’t really understand if that makes sense. It can be extremely frustrating and I’m learning that it’s best not to share it with them. This might sound like the wrong thing to do for some, but I now see that I cannot show them the light as it were, each person must seek it themselves, if they come asking for advice that’s another matter, but I then have to be very careful at giving it according to their current understanding – I’ve not been doing this well at all lately. If you need to talk about higher matters then do it only through equally enlightened individuals (friends/teachers), otherwise much frustration will ensue.

It’s funny, regarding your London situation, I for the last 8 months have had an identical thing for moving somewhere. For much of that time I’ve been trying to work out (I know lol) whether the desire is coming from my heart or from my mind (i.e. universal director or ego desire). You see, I didn’t want to fall into the trap which korkor has made allusion to above – am I just seeking happiness outside myself, in a place, after all the ‘kingdom of God is within’. However, more and more and after much meditation and coming to the conclusion that it’s the right thing for me to do. It’s an example of what on the surface seems like a paradox, which you often come across in spirituality. Yes, you don’t have to go anywhere to find what you are really looking for in life, to find truth, however, I believe that doesn’t mean that you should enforce upon yourself not to go anywhere because you ‘don’t need to’. Again, it’s about not stifling the life force. All I know is that the sense to go keeps arising in me and I’m now getting to a point where I believe I need to let go and do it, I think it will happen in the next few weeks in fact. By the way, clarity has come by stopping trying to work it out and just getting on with life, making more decisions, even if might be the ‘wrong thing’. The clarity has come by allowing myself to keep moving, to keep flowing. It will be interesting to see what happens if/when we both go for it here. For so long I’ve been wanting to jump into the boat of the unknown of following the heart, I’ve read how life flows form this, that one thing will lead to another, things that you’d never guessed come into your life, through the process of allowing. I’m in the process of allowing the allowing and I’m quite excited!

Normally I’d proofread, but that was a long reply and it’s late 🙂

Ben.

It would be really interesting if we both returned to this post a year from now to report on what happens.

In my last response I didn’t comment on your coincidences with the people you met, neighbours etc. Again, a few yrs ago I would have dismissed it, but now, when I see coincidences like this, that are almost humorous, I see God playing. I’ve read enough times how enlightened individuals say there are no coincidences. More and more I am coming to this myself. Now, even when ‘bad’ things happen, e.g. I miss a train (like I did yesterday, and then I had to buy a second expensive ticket), there is a trust in me developing that it’s all OK.

A few times, even though I knew I suspected inside it was the wrong thing to do, because I so wanted my parents to see what I could see I attempted to explain some of my plans at the time. The result confirmed what I’ve read about not throwing the gold that you’ve discovered down the drain, they could not grasp at all the essence I was trying to convey. All I did was hurt myself and probably look foolish and naïve in their eyes because I know how the old me of several years ago would have judged what I was saying. So, I think you’re doing the right thing in not talking on this level with them.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by AikiBen.

Hey,

I just wanted to bring something up. A couple of things you’ve said gave me the impression it might be useful, and that is that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way, I got that from Wayne Dyer. I think a lot of people are always looking to the horizon, at the next thing, that when you arrive there you will be happy, but the thing is it’s like chasing a rainbow, there is no arriving. No particular set of circumstances etc can give you what you seek. Are you doing this at all? I get the impression you might be from some of the things you said that’s all.

I’ve been aware of the above quote intellectually for a few years, but it’s only the last few months that it’s really starting to sink in to the point that it’s giving me liberation. Concerning my big move that I mentioned, I realised that I had some of this mode of thinking wrapped up in the decision. I now think that although I feel good things will come of it and there’ll be great adventure and great times, it won’t give me what I truly want, it can’t fill that thing inside me, how could it, it’s inside me so nothing outside can fill that.

However, for me, doing this move is simply part of my inner path, part of the letting go. I’m doing my best to let go of expecting to get anything in particular out of it though. The inner answers are coming incidentally if that makes sense (i.e. regardless of my circumstances). Happiness, liberation, etc are developing inside me as a result of my meditating daily and looking within. I can’t tell you how liberating it is to let go of the idea that I have to go somewhere or do something to find ‘it’. This really takes the pressure off. As soon as you get even a hint of an idea in your head that everything’s gonna be great when I get to this particular place or am doing this particular thing (e.g. job) then I notice it creates a tension/anxiety inside me (very subtle- something that you may only pick up on in deep meditation) because of the dependence I’ve created on this thing giving me happiness. So somewhere inside me floating around is the message that I cannot be 100% happy until I am there or doing that, again it may be a very subtle message, but it has a lot of power. (Hmmm, it certainly benefits me just to write about this as it clarifies things for me more sharply.)

This brings me back to my first message. I feel, yes by all means follow your feeling of where to go and what to do next, but be careful about the above.

I’m in a similar boat with regard to people who I can talk to. Currently I have a few friends (who I’m grateful to have) who I can talk about things a little, but not fully, not to the level I’ve written above. However, I do anticipate that people more like-minded to myself will come into my life fairly soon, it’s only natural. I’m sure they will for you too when the time is right.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by AikiBen.

That sound great. I underestimated your level of awakeness. I really empathise with your words. You can feel what is wrong in your situation, just as I have in the past, for myself I have not listened to/trusted my own feelings so often, it’s nice to hear that you are listening and are prepared to act.

From your first reply to me you reminded me SO MUCH of myself. I thought to myself, you sound like the female equivalent of me, except your academic interests appear to be the polar opposite (psychologically speaking) to myself: you seem to be more into the arts (music, film etc), whereas I studied the sciences. Although interestingly, psychometric tests have said that my natural abilities are more associated with people working in the arts than in science – funnily enough I’ve always had a sense of this in many aspects of myself.

I get the feeling you are of a very similar vibration to myself (don’t like using that overused word in spirituality but it just fits well). I wanted to suggest swapping emails before to keep in touch for reporting back in the future on how our next steps go, but since I am in general a very private person I didn’t really want to put my email address on an open forum like this, but as I’m choosing to make decisions not from fear but from love these days: wardzinski_ben@live.co.uk Please drop me an email, it would be great to keep in touch! I’d love to tell you more about my planned adventures, how it all came about, etc, and I’d love to hear more about yours. There’s so much I could share with you because you understand.