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Heartbroken

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  • #74533
    Erica H.
    Participant

    My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me yesterday. He has a very sad past including both of his parents passing when he was in his teenage years. I understood when we got together that he had issues in his past but he seemed to be able to cope with them. Fast forward to November 2014 and things seem to be going great and he decided to move in with me. Things still were great and we were both happy or so I thought. Three weeks ago he got pulled over for drunk driving and was arrested. I received the phone call that he was in jail and I proceeded to go to the courthouse to watch him get arraigned which was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I noticed an immediate change as soon as he got out of jail and was distant from me and seemed conflicted. When I confronted him about it he said he doesn’t know what the future holds but he has to make changes and will do his best to work on us. He has been seeing a therapist for the past few weeks and he has had his ups and downs but he consistently told me he loved me and thanked me for all I have done for him. Yesterday when he sat me down he said he is the problem and he needs to work on himself. He says he needs to be able to be strong without me and find out what makes him, him. Of course it was heartbreaking but I was supportive and told him I hope he gets better. He did not want to leave on bad terms as we are both each other’s best friends and he said if I ever need him or just want to talk he is there for me. I have yet to reach out but I am struggling severely.

    My past relationships have not been great by any stretch of the imagination and I thought he was the one to change it. I never doubted his love for me and knew he wanted to be with me and he even stated so when he broke up with me. He has a huge heart and tries to do right by me but has a toxic family who tries to hold him back. He has shown me what it means to feel loved and feel appreciated. We had amazing times together and brought out the best in each other. I am older than him and I have achieved more than him which I think bothered him although he tried not to show it. He always said he was proud of me and said I was one of the strongest people he has ever met. He does not have a lot of money and I knew he struggled with that but I made it clear that it was not something that bothered me at all. He did what he could and I was understanding of that and he tried in other ways to make me feel loved. He has always been taken care of by his Aunt and his Grandparents but they never allowed him to grow and would make him feel guilty for all the things that they have done for him. He has moved back into his Aunt’s house and I know this is not the place for him to grow and get better but there is nothing I can do. He has always told me I was the greatest thing to happen to him, even when he broke up with me, but I can’t understand why he would not want me part of this journey with him. I tried to explain that I am strong and I can just be there for him as he has done for me but he didn’t want that. He wants me to do what is best for me and make myself happy. He made me happy which is the hardest part about this. I don’t know what the future holds and I know I cannot sit here and wait for him to be fixed because I don’t know if and when that will happen. I could use some advice and some wisdom to help me through this. Thank you.

    #74580
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi Ericah89,

    It seems your boyfriend has a conflict within himself. He does not know what he wants, there are few desires that pulls him in different ways, and they are quite balanced and do not make him able to move forward. As I understand, he lived a lot of his life with his family who promoted a peaceful lifestyle which is not oriented toward personal growth but more toward mutual support and availability. On the converse, you showed him something new, how to become a successful person for himself or for you as a couple. By doing so, you challenge his past and what he once was. By agreeing on the future projects, somehow you’ve been killing his past. But his past is always there inside him and it looks like he did not really move on completely. Unfortunately, this is not something he can easily discuss with you. After all the agreements, after all your efforts, after everything you’ve done and believed together, how can he show you his doubts, and start killing your own resolve? He tried his best to fight his past, but it is still there. Maybe he realized that it was too late to be really successful as you both like him to be. He tried to become oblivious of his conflict by getting drunk.

    Now he does not want to pollute your beliefs with his own worry, with his own history that still makes him unable to lift up. He tried his best with you, he tried to overcome everything. He wanted to believe into what you showed him, he looked ahead into your eyes, far and far in a world that looked so shining. Now, after long investigations, work and hopes, he found the problems. And I’m sad to say that sometimes, there is no logical solution out of them, but a realization of one’s own feelings that drive a person to want opposite things. And when that happens, that person has to choose, and he chose. He will not stay there, to fight and make you see his contradictions, maybe because he does not want to turn your friendship into bitterness, maybe because he wants to spare you the headaches, maybe because he cannot clearly see with you at his side supporting so fiercely one of the parts of his mind.

    There is a part of him, you will not accept easily. That’s because you both tried your best to dismantle it. Investigating it together will cost to you both sorrow and harm. Nobody assures that you will overcome it, and you may find yourself bitter and defeated along the way. Then you’ll realize you lost a great part of your life, energy and time. I understand you feel that now something is missing now, that a lot was for nothing, and that the source of your energies and inspiration has suddenly stopped. However, if you kept drinking from it, after the change, chances are you would get sick. Moreover, now you and he can still celebrate your travel, the challenges you fought happily together, even if it was a failure, it was a good journey, and you tried both your best with sincerity, understanding and mutual acceptance. If you keep going, while he does not trust that there will be success anymore, the journey itself may become bad and sad.
    You will need to learn to go without that source of inspiration. This does not mean you should stop talking with him, but you should stop seeing into him those hopes, those quests, those dreams you once wanted to share. Do not make him or his goals, your goals, do not make you or your goals, his goals, make him your companion. Once you do this and really do this, you’ll have a clear mind to see once again who he is, and why he made this choice. Then, maybe you can start anew, or realize that after all he was not meant for you.

    #74587
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ericah89,

    It sounds like you are unevenly yoked. I would respect his decision. You don’t have to understand it (as he himself may not understand it), but do respect it. Moving in together maybe pushed him over the edge. That this is Real. That he is a Grown Up and things are now Real. Why else would he have gotten drunk? What is at the root of why he let himself do that and get behind the wheel?

    I am sorry he is so conflicted, but that is not your problem to fix. Maybe when he’s in his thirties you two will be equals, but I wouldn’t wait for that.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

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