fbpx
Menu

Heartsick and Torn

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryHeartsick and Torn

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #84974
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi All,

    Going through a difficult situation and would like some perspective and support from you wonderful folks. 🙂 Will try to keep it brief, but there are a lot of contributing details – my gratitude in advance for taking the time to read and hopefully respond.

    I’ve been seeing a guy for about 7 months. While we have kept it pretty unofficial, it is probably one of the most committed and comfortable relationships I’ve been in for some time (even including “official” ones). He is very attentive, and we are open and honest with each other. We have a lot of differences that make me concerned about our future together, but we try to just enjoy our time together and not worry so much about that and where we are heading.

    I also have a dog who I adopted 4 years ago. He was already 2.5 years old when I got him and I knew he had a history of biting (I was told by the rescue of one provoked and isolated incident), but I naively thought my love and some security would make him all better. Unfortunately I was lazy with training and despite my providing him a good home (minus the consistent discipline) he has had a few other biting incidents (always me, never anyone else). This has resulted in me being somewhat scared of him in certain situations and not really trusting him, which has resulted in less and less authority and more and more isolation to try to “manage” the problem.

    Boyfriend had met dog several times, always at my house, and is aware of his issues. He’s a supporter of whoopings and the whole “you have to show him you’re the boss” stuff. Other than some harsh taps on the nose, I don’t really think physical punishment is productive but Nugget’s increasing behavior issues made me wonder if maybe boyfriend was right. Because I was unsure how I felt about boyfriend disciplining my dog, I never brought Nugget over to boyfriend’s house. Until this past weekend….

    Nugget and I spent the night with boyfriend and his dog on Saturday. Other than some tense moments, everything went better than we both expected and we were feeling hopeful that we could blend our little families eventually. And then it all blew up. I thought Nugget was doing so well he could go out to meet boyfriend’s chicken (she was in her coop). Doing so well I didn’t even think I would need to put his leash on. Dumb. Being a dog (and a herder/terrier mix at that) of course he was WAY interested in the chicken and just kept running around the coop, freaking her the heck out. I tried to call him away, but he kept at it and chicken was getting more and more agitated. Boyfriend ran outside, I told him I was going to go in to get the leash because I KNEW this was the kind of situation that would prompt a bite and I did not want to have an escalating bite-hit-bite-hit situation. Boyfriend didn’t listen, went over to try to nudge Nugget out of the way, and when that didn’t get Nugget’s attention, boyfriend smacked him on the side. Nugget immediately bit and a 30 second scramble of biting and hitting and trying to control the dog ensued. Afterwards, Nugget retreated and left chicken alone and went and huddled by my car where he stayed for an hour.

    The bite(s) were not bad enough to need any medical attention, but skin was broken and there’s definitely a good amount of bruising and pain. I feel HORRIBLE because I KNOW it was my carelessness that caused all of it. As can be expected, boyfriend is not sure he ever wants anything to do with my dog and he’s really pushing for me to rehome him (I know it’s unlikely he would ever be adopted and I will not put him in a situation to sit in a shelter or be abused). As soon as I got home, I made an appointment with a very successful local behaviorist for this Friday. I’d been “meaning to” make an appointment for some time, but kept putting it off so this incident has definitely forced me to see something needs to change. I’m feeling hopeful about the training. I love my dog and want to be able to give him a full, safe life for as long as he has here. Unfortunately I am not feeling support from my boyfriend. I can understand, to a degree. Boyfriend says things like “nothing will ever change his biting”, “it’s ingrained, there’s nothing you can do”…that kind of stuff. I want boyfriend to be there for the session on Friday, but honestly am worried he will try to get into it with the behaviorist. Also having read a lot of articles in the last couple days, I am even more firm in my conviction that physical reprimands are NOT the way to go with Nugget and could potentially make him worse. I have no idea what happened to him in the first 2.5 years of his life, but am certain there were some bad things. He is a fear based biter.

    That’s the story. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, I guess just some support from this great community. I know I need to focus on rehabbing my dog, and if the relationship can survive then that’s awesome. I’m just very bummed and extremely ashamed of it all but every time it comes up I am getting so much negativity from my boyfriend it kind of shatters my hope and determination to make it better. Am I wrong to want to keep my dog? He has so many great qualities. So does my boyfriend. 🙁

    Looking forward to your insights. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

    #84983
    Kayt
    Participant

    I have a few thoughts on this, as a very dedicated dog mom and as someone who has come out of an abusive relationship.

    First: It’s phenomenal, in all the best ways, that you recognize you have been irresponsible with your dog and his lack of training. You definitely made a big mistake trying to introduce an untrained dog (predator) to a chicken (FOOD!!). Dogs need to be trained very slowly and carefully, over time, and tested multiple times in safe situations before being allowed to enter a situation that could result in harm to either them or anyone/thing else. It was way too soon for the chicken test, but, you have recognized that mistake and you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing by consulting a professional trainer. 🙂 You are NOT wrong to keep your dog! You haven’t been a great owner for him. You haven’t taught him how to behave in certain situations, and you have put him in those situations anyway and HE is the one who has suffered by being hit just for behaving how a normal dog would have behaved. None of this is the dog’s fault persay- yes, he did bite, but he was scared and the situation could have been prevented by better judgment calls from the human in his life. You are fully aware of this, you are taking responsibility, and you are acting in his best interest now. You are making a great effort to become an awesome dog mom to him and I truly believe that if you commit to working with the behavioralist, you can turn it around and have an amazing life together. 🙂 I know some of that will feel harsh to read, but, it’s simply a statement of the truth you already acknowledge inside yourself. One that will soon be untrue from the sound of it! 🙂 Your dog isn’t biting because he’s a bad dog- he is a fearful dog reacting in a way natural to dogs who have a stronger fight than flight instinct. This can be remedied!

    Second: I will say this once, and I will say it very clearly. Any human who will harm an animal without questioning, especially one who will encourage others to harm animals, is not someone you should trust. The fact that he thinks hitting a dog is some kind of training is outrageous. Negative reinforcement is probably the least successful method anyone could want, and the most damaging- really, it’s just mistreatment with a flimsy justification behind it. Most people who abuse their children and spouses have these tendencies, and most serial killers start out by torturing animals. There’s a difference between ignorance-driven violence and deliberate violence- your situation is probably ignorance-driven (I hope), as your boyfriend probably just doesn’t know much about properly training dogs or working with rescue/abuse dogs, but the motivation does NOT excuse the outcome of the action. You should have a serious, strong discussion with him about hitting your dog and your own feelings on it, and you should absolutely speak to the behaviorist about what your boyfriend did (hitting) and how your dog reacted (biting then fleeing). I recommend NOT involving your boyfriend in the sessions with the behaviorist, because you already know he will bring only negativity and could prevent it from being a successful lesson for your dog.

    #84986
    Katie
    Participant

    Kayt…

    Wow, I very much appreciate your thoughtful response. You spoke right to my heart and brought me to tears. After reading what you wrote a couple times, I feel even more determined to work with Nugget and learn what I need to do to be a good human for him. I know he is capable of so much….it amazes me how smart he is. I just need tools to help him direct that towards being mentally and emotionally healthy.

    As for the boyfriend. It makes me sick but…I know these things you say to be true. In my gut. I KNOW. But I’ve allowed myself to fall in love with him (either that or I am just so desperate to be in a relationship that I will put up with things I know are not right) and I’m finding it really hard to end it. I say end it because I have tried to have these talks with him and there is just no changing his mind on certain things (like how to deal with dogs). I’d say his violence is definitely ignorance based which is probably why I’ve stuck it out in the hopes I could enlighten him but that’s not happening at all. I’ve seen him be so gentle and loving…and very understanding and open at times which is probably what makes me hold on. Thankfully I’ve never been in an abusive romantic relationship before, but I see some patterns with him (never physical, but saying things like “no man will ever want to deal with that dog”). It’s so strange how I can observe these things and for the most part see them for what they are, but make the conscious decision to still want to be with him. When I realized a while ago he was not the best person for me, it was almost like I was playing a game by sticking with him to see how ridiculous the relationship could get. How much stupid shit I would put up with. Doesn’t make any sense to me, and it probably makes even less sense reading it. I’m hoping writing some of this out will be therapeutic for me and help me come to terms with what I need to do and take action.

    I hope to hear from you again!! Thanks very much Kayt.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Katie.
    #85081
    Kayt
    Participant

    I’m glad my thoughts were helpful, and I’m EXTRA happy that you are so confident and motivated to work with Nugget! The thing is, you’re not a bad person, and you’re not a bad pet owner. You just don’t know 100% how to work with and train your dog, and you know, most people don’t! I was totally clueless about my first dog, but he himself and a CRAZY amount of reading and research over years helped me turn myself around as a negligent trainer and we both benefited from it. I’m so happy and proud of you for consulting a professional and for realizing that your boyfriend just has vastly different opinions about your dog and training methods! A lot of people would give up on Nugget. There are about 20 Nuggets in my local dog warden shelter right now and some have been there for months. Nugget is lucky to have a mama who loves him and realizes that both of you have some learning to do together! Don’t give up on him 🙂 You guys are about to start a journey that will lead to an even more loving and happy relationship between you two. Read everything you can find on positive reinforcement dog training (a quick google search will turn up loads of good stuff)! And even though he’s cheesy and I don’t agree with all his methods (the “SSSH!” thing got laughed away by my dog) watch Cesar Milan’s TV show for inspiration and motivation- he really shows that with persistence and consistency you can train ANY non-violent dog. 🙂

    I don’t know for sure, and I don’t want to just pass judgment on a total stranger, but it SEEMS to me like your boyfriend might be using your dog as a method of trying to control you. By saying “no man will ever want to deal with that dog” he is keeping you from leaving him by making you think you have to choose between your dog and a loving relationship. NOT TRUE. My boyfriend has never had any pets before, and we recently adopted a second dog together (I had my first dog, a Jindo, before I met the bf). Mochi, the new dog (Belgian shepherd/Newfoundland mix, about 110 lbs of HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYGOGOGO and zero training) frustrates my bf sometimes because he wants to climb on the bed, the couch, the people, and licks nonstop and just always NEEDS to be in your face! My bf got really agitated with Mochi once, and he smacked him on the back. Not hard, but enough that Mochi visibly shrank down and looked upset. He’s a very gentle dog, a true omega, so he didn’t bite or anything, but it was obvious that he felt hurt and sensed my bf’s aggression. I knew my bf was under a lot of stress at work and had just snapped for a moment- but that didn’t make it okay. So later that night I talked to him about it, and I told him that while I understood he was frustrated, it’s never okay to hit an animal and I’m not going to tolerate it if he does it again. He will not be welcome at my house any more. So now I’m putting my bf through dog training bootcamp LOL. 🙂 And the reason this situation is not tragic, is because my bf loves me and likes my dogs, and he recognized that what he did was not okay on any level and he is willing to learn other methods. He has not done it again and I sincerely believe that he won’t in the future. The fact that he was willing to acknowledge his mistake, where it came from within himself, how it hurt those around him, and instantly commit to change shows that my bf is a truly compassionate person and he is working WITH me (and my dogs haha) in this relationship. I don’t want to sound prideful or arrogant, but at risk of such I would advise that if your boyfriend is unwilling to consider your feelings- especially how much you love Nugget- and isn’t willing to learn with you and improve your life together, you should consider leaving him. Not because he’s an inherently bad person- he probably isn’t. But because if that’s the type of relationship you want, you CAN have that, just maybe not with him. There ARE men out there who will love you AND Nugget and will work with you both. Don’t let your bf scare you about that- he just doesn’t want you to leave. It also seems like he might be testing his ability to control you by seeing if he can pressure you into giving up your dog. Don’t do it. (Disclaimer, that may not be true- I admit I am suspicious after having been abused- it’s just my opinion.)

    #85086
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie;

    To demonize your boyfriend because he hit your dog on the side during the chicken incident is wrong. To end your relationship with your boyfriend because he does not trust your dog is your option as it is his option. But why make your bf the Bad Guy when nothing in your posts indicates that? End your relationship with him if you’d like, but don’t punish him for his authentic feelings and for being beaten because, heavily, your own negligence.

    anita

    #85122
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    This is coming from someone who dropped a potential boyfriend because he was allergic to my cat, so you can take this with a grain of salt (or, ALL THE SALT! LOL).

    I say keep the dog and dump the boyfriend.

    If you keep the boyfriend, meet him ANYWHERE but in your home. This will give him the message that your pet trumps him. He will probably dump you, actually, when he sees that he’s not at the top of your totem pole. BUT how dare he say “No man will ever want to deal with that dog” implying that no man will want to deal with YOU EVEN WITH THE DOG!! Darling, I know PLENTY of men who are DOG PEOPLE who would not only love your dog, but would support and take part of his training/education!!

    He’s showing serious yellow, orange and red flags here!

    Best,

    Inky

    #85359
    Katie
    Participant

    Kayt and Inky:

    THANK YOU!! Just an update…I had an appointment on Friday with two awesome behaviorists. It was intense and I learned SO much. I’ve been implementing my new tools and Nugget has started using the treadmill. 🙂 I know now that Nugget was really confused about what he was supposed to be doing because I was not being a leader to him. We won’t do a 180 overnight or even over a weekend, but I am really hopeful that our relationship (mine and Nugget’s) will become stronger than ever. I also feel some growing confidence within myself just because of how I am handling my dog differently. So Nugget is my focus right now, and even with that being said, my boyfriend and I had a pretty great weekend together. He realizes he is not being supportive and so right now we just don’t discuss Nugget much. I know this isn’t a solution….at some point we are obviously going to have to figure it out. If things continue to progress as they are with Nugget, he will be with me forever. And I will not allow someone to mistreat my dog or set him back. So I’m hoping that boyfriend will be on board with a little time and positivity from my end. If not, it will be super hard because of the feelings I’ve developed but I know I deserve more than someone who would either not respect how I want my dog to be treated or pressure me to get rid of him.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.