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HIV-positive, dealing with meth addiction, infections.

HomeForumsTough TimesHIV-positive, dealing with meth addiction, infections.

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  • #88244
    boykismet
    Participant

    Before I go into detail about all that is feel is “wrong” about my life right now, let me say that I know I am blessed beyond measure to even be breathing and able to share my story. Although the pain I feel inside is intense sometimes, I will never tell myself that it’s suitable to complain or stay in my sadness for too long. That being said, today I am sad.

    I need to start at the beginning. When I was 8 years old I was introduced to sex. Some would say that I was molested but I’ve always thought of that experience as me being “sexualized”. I don’t like to think of it as molestation because the people I were sexualized by were not that much older than me. Old enough to influence me, but not old enough to really know what they were doing either. It happened 3 times within 2 or 3 years. A few times with an older cousin. He was 3 years my senior. Additionally, a few times with 2 family friends. These were my mother’s friend’s sons. They were only 4 years older than me.

    Although I did not understand the implication sex has on relationships and the place it has in our life experiences at that point, I remember being excited by the fact that I was being afforded the chance to engage in sexual behavior. I felt wanted. I felt attractive.

    When I was young, my mother and father began having marital issues. Even though my father was there in my early childhood (I have not spoken to him since 2006), I can’t necessarily remember anything of importance that he taught me.

    I’ve always been small in stature. I’ve always had soft mannerisms. I don’t blame the boys for initiating those sexual experiences because enjoyed those experiences (no judgement, please) and children do those kinds of things more often than we’d like to think or admit. I didn’t know, however, what those experiences meant at the time or what they would mean for me later down the road.

    Throughout my teen years, I craved the attention of men. Grown men, to be exact. The first time I had penetrative sex, it was with a man well into his 30’s. I was 15. It happened on Christmas Eve in the back of his car at a park. No condom was involved. This thrilled me and scared me to no end. I sunk into isolation and paranoia. I believed that I might have contracted something but was too afraid to go get tested. When I got tested 2 years later, I was HIV-negative.

    I used to feel like I’d always been drawn to darkness. Now I understand that fantasizing about my relationship to danger made it a reality. I created that.

    Needless to say, from that point on, in an effort to seek attention from men and get the validation I felt I needed, I slept with many, many, MANY men. Some protected, some unprotected. It started to get tiring and I knew that my soul was looking for something other than what I continued to receive. I’d give my body in hopes that someone would love me, stick around, care about me. I did not learn from the lessons LIFE was trying to teach me and take heed soon enough. I was diagnosed as HIV-positive at age 19. I’d always been smart and had went away to school with a full scholarship but when I found out I was infected in June of 2006, I didn’t return to my studies.

    My mom was very religious and appalled by the thought of homosexuality. In her eyes, it was not God’s plan for my life. This caused me to shrink and hide who I was even more. How could I argue with her? Ashamed and lonely, I sunk further into the shadows and started experimenting with meth at age 24. Meth changed my life forever.

    It made me careless, reckless and numbed the pain. I found myself in sex clubs and dirty hotel rooms doing things to and for men I didn’t know in order to feel alive and loved. I’d delve into a night or two of marathon sex only to come back facing fears and insecurities that had doubled in size during the time I was away partying. Even though I was on a path to spiritual I believed that since I could keep a job and I didn’t let it interfere with that side of myself, I was okay and in control.

    Even though I knew I deserved better and was worth more, the only thing that stopped me from overdosing or killing myself was being hurt physically during rough sex. My anus ripped in November of 2013.

    It took me months to heal. It hurt like hell. I still had to work. I still had to engage with people as if I was not in constant pain. I didn’t see a doctor. I was too embarrassed. I promised myself that I would never turn to a life controlled by meth. This stopped everything and forced me to look at myself. During this same time, I also developed a candida skin infection. Because the drugs I was using were so strong, it killed all of the friendly bacteria in my immune system leaving me open to opportunistic infection. I didn’t know why at the time but I would get (and still do get) huge red boils on my legs, chest and back. My face looked (and sometimes still looks gray-ish and sullen)

    I came to realize I didn’t like meth simply for the high it provided. If I could not have sex on meth, I didn’t want meth. The confidence it made me feel was of no use to me if I couldn’t use it to show others how provocative and carefree I could be.

    Last summer (2014), I met a guy I thought was perfect for me. He showed me love and sensitivity. I’d never imagined that someone like him could be a part of my experience. He was gentle and understood that I’d been through a lot. He told me not to focus on the things I didn’t like about my body. Although I hesitated to tell him everything at first, eventually I did. We waited to have sex for a long time. We talked about my issues with intimacy and how we would approach that point once we reached it.

    I could not wait. I used meth and cheated on him before we got the chance to consummate our relationship. I was frightened to have sober sex with him and I didn’t know what to expect from the experience without using my drug of choice. After cheating, I told myself I would never tell him. My conscience would not let me make that choice. After all, he’d been so understanding and I couldn’t stand to deceive him. I knew that my choice would affect our relationship whether or not I told him. Upon telling him, he said that he wished I had never told him and to never bring it up again. It made me feel worse that it did not seem to bother him that much.

    To make a long story short, he eventually showed another side of himself, admitting that he had been cheating on me since the beginning of our relationship after I went through his phone. He ended up comparing me to other guys, expressing that he thought I was too sensitive and weak and played on my vulnerability and emotional availability. He broke it off with me and told me that we should never talk again.

    We broke up 4 and a half months ago and now I am trying to find balance in my life. He has texted me twice since then to “check on me”. I have never initiated convo with him since the day he told me we should never speak again. I have responded politely but have kept the convo short both times. I realize now that he was dealing with a lot of the same issues I was dealing with, just in different ways.

    So now here I am, with a skin infection, a weakened immune system and a long road ahead of me. I’ve come to discover that my skin infection is triggered and flares up when I eat sugar or anything that turns into sugar (most carbs). I didn’t realize what was going on in my body until I did an herbal parasite cleanse and my face got brighter and my skin got clear. During this time, I was not allowed to eat any carbs. I lasted for a month. I didn’t want to give my clear skin up but I was getting dangerously thin. A week ago, I started eating carbs again. I immediately gained visible weight during the past week but I now have oily, patchy, dull skin. I know if I do the cleanse again, I will look great skin-wise and it will keep my infection at bay but I’m already too thin to only eat low-calorie foods. =(

    To be honest, at this point I’m just listening to the voice inside. I’ve been trying to move from body identification to spirit identification and try to stay on the fast for as long as I can. However, I don’t want to be a stick figure. With my positive status, it’s already hard for me to keep my weight up.

    I guess I just needed to vent. I am trying to remember that ever problem in the physical word is a spiritual issue first. I am hoping that as I try to connect to the higher power that resides in all of us, my body will be healed as well. It’s sad that I only arrived at this point because of a perceived threat to my vanity. However, I know that all of this has happened for a reason and I don’t want to miss what UNIVERSE is teaching me or take that for granted. I’m moving into an awareness that is bigger than my skin condition or HIV status but sometimes I feel hopeless and lost.

    I just want to feel whole again. =(

    #88248
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear boykismet:

    A side note, sure you considered it, that is gaining weight by consuming protein, as do those wanting more muscle weight, drinking those high protein, high fat powder mixes? Gaining weight not by eating carbs?

    Main note:

    Your story, a story of a young child, living in a loveless home, with a father and a mother neither giving you the love you needed, the love any and every child needs. A child hungry for love, sexualized at a young age, and then exposed to the notorious sex clubs, meth to top the train heading for a wreck.

    To Love and Be Loved- that primary, persistent need we all have. Any thing will do in the absence of love, anything will be taken on as a substitute, as an attempt to get what the world is so short of, love.

    To feel whole, go back to that child that you were, go there with your mind. That child is you. Still needs the same thing. Focus your …spiritual practice on loving yourself completely, no reservations. Do all you can for your health and for the health of others as far as not infecting others with your HIV.

    Stay away from people and places where it is not LOVE that is there for you. Accept nothing short of love.

    Love does not make you sick (HIV), it does not tear your body, damage it. Love is not in those clubs and it is not in that meth…unsexualize yourself; love yourself.

    And do post again, anytime.

    anita

    #88266
    humour
    Participant

    Boykismet, sending you lots of love and may you connect to that higher power and find healing in your body. Take care.

    #88284
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi boykismet,

    My story is very similar to yours. I understand where you are at mentally, emotionally and physically. It is a horrible place to be and I am sorry that you are going through the pain.

    What most people don’t understand about being HIV+ is that while it is no longer a death sentence, it IS a life sentence. And to be honest…there are days that I don’t feel like a life sentence is better than a death sentence. Like you, I am incredibly blessed and know that I could be much more worse off than I am now. But some days, that is not enough to keep me from being completely overwhelmed by my status.

    If I could give you any kind of advice, it would be to create a new definition of what “whole again” means to you. Unfortunately, we can never go back to our pre-HIV+ days. We will never have that life again. Hopes, dreams and even rules that applied in our old lives are gone and we are left to build new ones. It is grueling and exhausting at times, but it can be done. If I could encourage you in anyway, it would be to find the empowerment in defining your new life and hope that it leads to excitement about the future you are building.

    More than anything, I wish I could reassure you that yes, The Universe is teaching you a lesson and what the reason is for that lesson. But unfortunately, I cannot because only YOU can learn the lesson. Instead, I will reassure you that you are not alone and who you are right now at this very moment IS good enough. You don’t have to be more for anyone but yourself. You are a piece of The Divine and you are perfect they way you are.

    Thank you for sharing and take care of yourself,
    d

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by danaken.
    #88757
    boykismet
    Participant

    Thanks, Humour. Sending positive energy your way.

    #88758
    boykismet
    Participant

    Anita… I’m kinda at odds about working out while dealing with this. While exercise definitely boosts the immune system, I also read that the cortisol our bodies create during exercise raises our blood sugar levels. In theory, this would feed the candida in my blood and cause a flare up. I will definitely try it, though. I’m going to fight this until my body finds balance. Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate you.

    #88759
    boykismet
    Participant

    Danaken… the night I wrote this intro, I was extremely sad. Now… I feel much better. Some days I am up and some I am down. I definitely can relate to all that you said. I, too, sometimes wish it would be all over. But today, I feel a strength inside that I can’t place or identify the source of. Some days, like today, I just know that no matter what, I’m going to be okay and that I should be easy on myself. The thing about reaching rock bottom physically and spiritually is that I have nowhere to go but up from here on out… and the awareness I have now won’t allow me to slip to far back into past behaviors. Maybe we can talk privately… I would love to converse. Maybe there is something to be shared. Stay strong. Our lives and stories are not in vain.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by boykismet.
    #89245
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi boykismet…sorry, I have not been on the forums and did not see your reply. Yes, we have to stay strong. The alternative is giving up and I’m not a quitter!!! I’ve learned to chose my battles to win the war.

    I am up for talking privately. What is the best way to go about that? You can’t message each other privately on here, can we?

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