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How do I get closure, it's about time, need help!

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This topic contains 0 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Avatar of Laleh Laleh 1 year, 5 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #37227
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    Ok, so few of you by now my story about NYC and the a bit of the guy I met there…

    While I was trying to figure things out with you all’s help and was thinking of the real issues underneath my feeling confused and my blockage, I realized it’s the guy, the way it ended( I don’t even know if it ended or even if had started) has left me confused, sad, unworthy, with little power and self to focus on my own life. I am just going to to do a quick recap see if you guys can help me first get closure from this and then I can move on and focus on real issues?

    We met in NYC, we hit it off, everything was so smooth and easy, we just basically mesh well, so comfortable with each other, it wasn’t like crazy stupid love, but it was going so easy and with the flow, and for the first time I didm’t feel needy, or scared or try to go fast, I was going with his flow, I was very secure about it. He would visit for work in Toronto quite often so we saw each other pretty much 2 days a week and spent the whole 2 days together. and I visited few times in NYC. He was so sweet to me, such a nice guy,treated me like a princess, and I was in the process of moving to NYC as I mentioned before, he told me he wants to take this slow because he doesn’t know where his head is and he doesn’t want to ruin it, and he has gotten out of a relationship few months back. Anyways, long story short, I am not searching anymore to see what his intentions were or anything like that, I did too much analyzing a month back and I got tired of it. But the fact is 2 days after my plans fell apart for going to NYC for the moment, at first he was quite nice about it and said don’t worry, just take your time, and apply again it will happen, and he said he will be in town end of the month and we will see each other very soon, but then I messaged the next day said something quick and funny a game he liked to play, got nothing back, next day I sent a message about golf, because I was watching golf and I knew he loves golf and I got excited all of a sudden and without thinking sent a quick text to say this is very exciting. didn’t hear anything back, few days laser sent a message and said I am doing fine and how is he doing. and Yes that was it. I got nothing back. and that was my last message, more than a month ago. At first I felt weird, it did not make sense to me, how could u go from such a nice caring guy to disappearing guy without even saying anything. My friends kept telling me you need to message him and ask for explanation, you can not date someone for couple of months and just disappear with no explanation, you have an obligation, but something was holding me back.
    Now, this hit very hard on me, because of a dramatic situation I had gone through with my plans falling apart, on top of that they guy I fell for and I thought I really like this one is really the one left with no explanation.
    Something again kept holding back from messaging, I kept telling myself different things to make myself feel better and move on, and to me messaging wouldn’t have solved anything, if he wanted he would have messaged, I called psychics, one after another, and they all told me anonymously that this guy is a great guy, your energy between each other is perfect, and he is on a total different page than you, and this is not about you. This didn’t help me. I just wanted to feel better and move on.

    Anyways, I stopped all the checking online for him and started to move on, and I thought I had, but now seems like I can not. I know it might not even be about him, I don’t know, I just could not imagine anyone would do this kinda thing, let a lone a very nice sweet guy that was so interested in me. I have dated users and players and jerks a lot in my past, and i could tell the difference believe me, and the funny part is non of those jerk left like this, you know why? Because I was a go getter with them, I demanded explanation, and I showed my strength and told them what i thought of them, and accepted them as they were and left. But this was is different, I am not even acting as my usual self, I am not trying to control the situation, I couldn’t’ even push the send button every time I tried to send a message, I just felt like I should let it be.
    I really don’t know what it is that makes me act this way this time, I was very happy with me keeping whatever dignity I have left and just let him go, but today I realize I can not get closure.
    I need closure from this, and from my track record, I know if i don’t get closure, even if nothing happens for years, I will still be in this stage. Once I was in love with a guy for 3 years, without he even trying to contact, until he messaged me out of the blue finally and we had a date and I slept with him, and I realized the attraction was all gone and I got over him after that night, that’s that!

    Now, I am asking you guys, how do I get closure without contacting him, I do not want to argue with him or anything, I want peace, but I can not have peace right now, I am hurt and this is a new situation for me and I don’t really know what to do. I have more important things to think about, and this is not letting me move on.

    I know it sounds quite pathetic, I had a brave face on and was doing so well, but I just crashed last night. So any suggestion might help
    Thanks guys
    Love
    Danubelle
    http://www.danubelle.con

    #37273
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    ANyone there? :) guys I need suggestions, should I message him and tell him how I feel and then maybe I could let it go? It does sound stupid, but somehting keeps telling me to wait.

    #37274
    Avatar of Luly
    Luly
    Participant

    Hey! How long has it been since the last time he replied? If it has been more than a month I would talk to him in a casual way. I would write telling him I hope he’s okay and asking what happened. Just in order to move on with your life mainly because if he didn’t appreciate the opportunity he had with you then he certainly is not meant for you right now. Just some of my thoughts! I do think it is necessary to have time for yourself and understand the reasons why it didn’t work out. Everything happens for a reason!

    #37277
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    Thanks Maria for responding,
    It has been around 1.5 month! I have thought about doing that 100 times, but something is holding me back from messaging him. I agree about having time and understanding, I’ve been working on that during this time, but I realized, his memory keeps coming back to me and I haven’t had closure, I don’t know why, maybe I am scared to get a bad answer, maybe I don’t want to face the truth, but something strongly is holding me back from contacting him, I was hoping to move on without doing that, I don’t know why I feel like I have to wait, it feels like a time of non action. Like when I am myself and calm and, I am happy that I didn’t contact him and I think it feels right not to, but when I start rememebring him and our times together, or how he left things, my ego pops in and I get upset and angry and I want to message. So I am hoping something other than contacting would help me move on, because I feel like my ego wants to message not the real me.
    Thanks again for the thoughts :)

    #37288
    Avatar of rbcrbc
    rbcrbc
    Participant

    Hi, how long were you guys dating? It sounds like he was not ready for anything serious and he even told you so; and I am guessing he might have gotten back with his ex. When a guy says he’s not ready for something serious, it means he’s not serious. Instead of dealing with the conversations, he decided to just disappear. You moving to NYC sounded like it was for him and it probably scared him as well. The alternative scenario is something bad happened to him. What have you found as far as looking online? This is not to suggest that you look more, of course. My first bf left me and never wanted to talk to me again. It was time (alot of time) and real love that helped me move on. My real love at that time came in form of a child that I brought into the world; I was still closed for many years after that, but after I got my professional life on its track, it was then I found true love with a guy- when I finally realize what it was that I should be looking for. If you can truly understand that guy’s motivation for what he did, it might make you feel better. He probably thought it was the best course of action not just for him but for you, to disappear. A worst case scenario is if he had continued on, knowing he could not be ‘serious’ and used you in the process. My advice is DO NOT contact him- what would be the point? You already know why this happened, right? And it wasn’t anything personal or against you… by contacting again, you are continuing to give him that power over you (you care what he thinks and want him around in some fashion), but you are much more important than him. (I had another short relationship where the guy was just bad news but the pull was so strong- cutting off all contact was the best thing I ever did).

    #37293
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    I know, I kinda agree with you , that is why I never contacted him, but just to clarify he never said he is not looking for serious, if he had I would have walked away right there, we talked on the first date and I told him I am not looking to goof around I am looking to properly date and he said the same thing. The only thing he said that he wanted to take it slow, because his experience says rushing usually ruins things, and he doesn’t want to screw things up. Unless he was lying, but if he had said he is not looking for serious I would have walked away. I have been trying to understand why he behaved that way, because he was such a nice guy, and I wasn’t expecting a cowardly behaviour like this, and to me it was not mature enough, we are both adults. I just feel quite disrespected, and the reason I thought maybe I should contact( which for some reason I can’t do it) is to get closure, just to say what I think and let it go. Because as of right now, he thinks he got away with it, and I have a little hope that he might come back later on. Thanks for the advice.
    I think the pain of getting a bad answer is holding me back to contact. So I’m gonna try to get closure without it. I was just hoping someone could tell me a good way to get closure without contacting.
    Thanks for the nice words as well. I do agree with out. This guy was such a nice guy that is why it is so hard to let go and stomach what he did.

    #37295
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    I am rereading your post again rbc, and trying to figure out and understand him, but the fact is that i have been doing that for couple of months now, and no matter how much I KNOW it’s all a guess. Online was an online site that I knew he went to meet people, and he has been on it pretty much everyday, so I stopped checking (and FYI he was checking me out few times as well ) There were other ways that I could see if he is ok or no, and he’s been fine as far as I can tell. to answer to your questions by the way We dated for couple of months, but it was weird, because felt like we’ve been dating for a year, we were so much alike and so familiar with each other’s routine, it felt like we were an old couple. We were perfect I should say. And he knew it. he couldn’t wait to text me when I left him, he was always eager to see me, and he was treating me like a princess. these memories make it very hard. And as soon as I feel like am making progress, I wake up in the morning like today having to dreamt about him all night. I know this sounds like a teeager, but am a 34 yr old woman, having to gotten hurt a lot in my life, and dated lot of idiots, and this one felt different, I really felt like he might be the one I’e been looking for. I’ve been divorced for 4 years now and after dating on and off, I think I am finally ready to be in a serious relationship and I can tell who is playing who is not on the first date. Anyways, I feel really powerless in this situation, because I hate it when someone misunderstands me, to answer to you about understanding why he did this; I feel like those few days that i went through a dramatic experience at the border and my plans falling apart, I was a bit vurlanble, and of course I sent couple of message to him as I said, which was more than usual, so I feel that he thought I am getting attached, and I am not gonna be in NYC soon anymore, so what is the point. I don’t low, the point is , you can think whatever you want, but these are all guesses, and I have to live with these for the rest of my life. If he doesnt come back. I think the reason I can’t message him and something is holding me back is that I feel like he might come back later on. I do’t know really, I dont even know why I can’t send him a message. I am not clear at all why I feel this way and how this whole thing is going to turn out. All I want is not to remember him anymore and feel better and get closure and move on. I need to be in power again, I feel hopeless. and when I do feel powerful I want to send him an angry message and tell him off. which goes away after few minutes.
    Anyways,
    Thanks again,
    feedbacks appreciated, and I will let you know about my progress
    love
    danubelle

    #37409
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    I just wanted to let you know, I am doing much better, your comments helped me a lot to see more clearly and not feel guilty about not contacting him, I now have come to this feeling that even though I miss him like crazy and I would have loved to be with him, I am not in a condition to be with anyone right now, maybe on some level I made this happen, If we are meant to crosspass again we will when we re both in a different situation in our lives, but I had a great time with him, and I have to let him go at that. It’s only my ego when it pops in that gets angry and etc. my real self knows this was for the best right now. Timing of the universe is always better.
    Thanks guys
    Love
    Danubelle

    #37430
    Avatar of rbcrbc
    rbcrbc
    Participant

    Hi Glad to hear you are feeling better. I have been too; I was feeling guilty about not calling that guy back I dated for a short while (I do have a bf), but like you, something just told me not to; and I feel at peace about that now. When we are able to feel something great with someone, I really feel it has more to do with ourselves, than the other person. If you felt great with that guy, it only means you now have a new capacity to really connect.

    #37439
    Avatar of Hurtone
    Hurtone
    Participant

    Hello Laleh,

    I can tell you from my experience, even if you try talking to him, it wont give you any closure, I tried it, and dragged it out for month and half, but in the end the answers were same, I didnt understand what went wrong in my perfect relationship. We are both mature professionals and had been together for about 10 months, things went really fast after first date, and we use to meet every month or so, it was long distance relationship, but we were very comfortable and secure with each other, anyway now its over, and as i was still sending her messages asking her questions, to get closure, she reported me to police, for harassing her.

    I would ask you, to not lower yourself, just be strong, its very very hard, I know. I hope one day we come across again, and she realize, what a foolish mistake she made, that all. Be Strong, take care of yourself, create a network of supporting friends and talk to them and cry as much as you want, till u don’t have tears left, talking about seems so boring to you, then you will move on,

    Its like” what cant be cured, must be endured” be brave, don’t contact him, pick yourself up and move on. I wish you good luck.

    Hurtone.

    #37441
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    Thanks Hurtone,
    I can tell you are real hurt. Yes, I am hoping that i am passed that shaky stage, as I told rbcrbc, I feel good now that i didn’t message him, as she said; he probably saw it the best way for me and for himself to leave it like this, I am not angry at him anymore, I just miss him a lot, but as she said, it’s more about me than him. If by any chance he thought I was getting too attached or clingy with those couple of messages I sent back then, this leaving it alone makes me feel a lot better about it as well, I do not want to confirm that judgement if that was the case. Anyhow, I have to confess though to both of you, I would have preferred that he would contact me and apologize and etc. But then I started to imagine it and I felt, do I really want that? What if he did do that, what am I gonna do with it now? I am not in NYC, and he is not gonna fix other issues I have right now in my life, do I really want him to see me like this, while I am waiting to get my life back on track? The answer was no. Every time something “bad” happens to us, once we snap out of the emotions and the hurt, we see that someone above was looking out for us.
    Thanks again!
    Love
    Danubelle

    #37479
    Avatar of Laura
    Laura
    Participant

    Laleh,
    I experienced the same almost a year ago. Still working on letting go (I know, its crazy, almost a year and I still feel pain at times, though we were involved just 3 months).
    One thing I want to tell you-its not about you. You have nothing to do with the guys decision to leave in such way as vanishing, which, the way I see it, is quite disrespectful, especially when people are involved intimately, not just meeting for a drink once in a while, as another person is left to wonder for some time what happened, where did he/she went wrong, yada yada, and sort of appear in the position of the stalker,feeling clingy and needy, as they try to contact the vanisher, until they finally get the “message” (sooner or later).
    Its not about your worth (I know you have these thoughts like “am I not good enough to receive a decent explanation and amicable goodbye?”)
    Its all about his character.
    Some men say its how he protects your feelings. In my opinion, its how he protects himself from the necessity to step up and be direct that he isn’t able to deliver what you want (a relationship). In other words-protects his cowardice a**, cause he doesn’t have to see you getting upset, doesn’t have to explain things and etc. And its so easy, as it was an LDR, as you won’t come to his home to get closure!
    So you’re doing the right thing as you don’t text him. You’d only set yourself up for more pain and sadness if you did, as he wouldn’t answer most likely. I texted the guy who vanished on me, after 2 months after he did this just to tell him the way I felt, and its not that I regret doing this, yet that didn’t help me at all. I just realized I’m not getting over a man who actually didn’t care enough and I’m telling him this (a huuuge ego massage.his ego,not mine). Cause lets be honest-when a man cares, he doesn’t just cut things off.
    In your case that “I want to take things slow/ I don’t know where my head is” thing was a red flag. No one says these things when everything goes naturally.
    And its not about mans age when he vanishes – as I said before, its about his character (the guy who vanished on me was 34).
    So you can only get closure by yourself, accepting that it is over. Though you think he might come back at some point, I strongly suggest to consider, if he is worthy of another chance if he actually re-appears. I mean, he had a chance, he blew it and demonstrated the tendency to run away when facing the necessity to do something inconvenient for him. Do you really really want a man like that?

    #37491
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    Hi Laura,
    thank you so much for the insights. I do agree with some parts of your message. But i have to mention something, I am feeling much better right now, after I started to manage to seperate my ego from my true self, because I realized it was my ego that was trying to control the outcome and controling someone else. Anyways, I have realized that although I had a great time with him during that time, and it needed to be left at that for now or forever I am not sure yet, but the bottom line is, it is not about him, I never wanted a long distance anyways, and I only started with him because I was planning to be in nyc soon. Universe has its own reasons, and I have to have faith, I can not control other people’s actions, I still think he was a nice guy, he was very sweet to me, and I might be upset not having him around, and I might not do it the way he did, but I might understand why. It doesn’t really matter I guess. If he was meant to be with me he would have.
    As for you, to be honest I see a lot of anger in your message, hence the one year and haven’t been able to move on. Once I started to seperate my ego from myself and my pain I was able to feel better and move on. I think you are talking with your ego here, and still connected to it, that is why you are a bit judgmental in your words about guys. I know I was too at first, but you have to see it’s not really about them is it? I can get super angry in one second right now if i think with my ego and say; how dare he do this to me, how rude, how emmature, he has to answer to me, he has an obligation, etc. But that is my ego, and all it does it upsets ME and not anyone else, as you said, you messsaging him only made you upset and not him. I do agree with all you said, but that is at first when you are upset, then I go to the next faze that I put my ego aside. My true self knows that deep down universe gives me what I need. It’s not about him. So I think you have to see it like I am seeing it now( I know I go up and down a lot but this has been helping me to see clearly recently) everyone has their own issues, he has them too, so he is probably dealing with whatever stage he is at in his life, we can judge them all we want, but the fact is I know that in my part I actually have done similar things to guys way in the past, that decided to leave them without consulting with them at all. Of course I was young and selfish, but my point is people need to learn their own life lessons it’s not our job to teach them, all we can do is to take care of ourselves and if they are not suppose to be part of our lives we will stay away from them.
    Thanks again for the insignts :) I hope I helped a little as well
    Love
    Danubelle

    #37561
    Avatar of SerCay
    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Danubelle,

    I think you deserve an explanation.
    I think that whatever the reason is, you have the right to know since it was the 2 of you in a relationship.

    I just dont know if theres a wa of contacting him to which he would actually respond.
    As long as you let him know it’s not getting back together you’re interested in, but knowing what the reason of his disappearance was, I think yu have every right to ask him until he gives you the answer. But I might be a bit rigid on this.

    I just dont believe people have the right to screw up anothers emotions and just walk out…

    #37583
    Avatar of Laleh
    Laleh
    Participant

    HI Sercay,
    thank you for your message. However I really wish that everyone would read my last message before they replay. My ego would agree with you yes, I dont want to repeat the same thing, but I will just say it in a short way that, I did believe I had the right, but I didn’t think it would help me in anyway to do it. And I felt at peace with it. I just needed some closure without contacting. I am in a much better place now and thanks everyone for the help. I think I already know the reason, so there is no point, I just am trying to move on. And yes people should not just walk out, but I believe if he needs to learn something he will, I don’t need to poison my world more than I have so far. The universe will take care of it :)
    Guys please if you have positive message in you and have positive energy in your words I will welcome it, but otherwise anger and grudge and hatred better to stay away from us don’t you think ? :)
    Thanks again dear for the support
    Danubelle

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