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How do I get the strength

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • #130663
    Gettingunstuck
    Participant

    I am a 55 year old woman who has been in 2 marriages both were based on me taking care of them. I have been divorced now 8 years and dated 2 seriously. The first man I seriously dated 3 years after my divorce developed cancer and passed away. 2 years after him I met someone who on paper is exactly what I have always wanted in a man. In fact I had years before listed my “must haves” in a relationship and found that my current boy friend meets all the must haves. Within 5 months of dating he told me he loved me. I was on cloud nine and told him I loved him. But, I didn’t see clearly when I should have seen the clues. You see, unfortunately, this man has a very hard time, extremely hard time expressing any kind of emotion. He does not show outward affection at all. When we sit together on a sofa watching tv he sits with his arms by his side even as I sit right next to him. I at time put my arms around him, still no affection, touch. I ask him why he is like this and he always responds that it is because he grew up this way and no one else has been so emotionally giving in his life. I have accepted this as he every now and then does make effort to hold my hand. In December after over a years time, I told him that I cherish him as I do my 2 kids. That he is in my heart as they are. I then asked him where he places me in his life. He was not able to respond. I was devastated and told him that’s his response was devastating. I told him I needed time and left. Within days he would send me text about current event, happening, but nothing about how are you. As xmas was approaching, I texted him to ask to meet for coffee. I don’t know why I did it but I did, I told him we should have a nice xmas and move past what had just happened. For about a week, he paid attention to me. Today, we see each other on Friday or Sat when he wants. How do I get the strength to move on from this relationship? What do I say to him to get him to understand how cruel he is to my emotions? How do I stop the cycle of being with men who don’t value me? Please guide me

    #130673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jaguar55:

    You asked: “How do I stop the cycle of being with men who don’t value me?”

    Your description of the man you are still involved with does not indicate to me that he is severely restricted emotionally. In effort to answer your question I ask: how did your ex husbands and the man who got sick and died (and others, perhaps)- how did they fail to value you?

    anita

    #130697
    Gettingunstuck
    Participant

    Thank you for your response. To your questions:
    My first husband valued his friendships over his marriage to me. He would live his life as a single man. Put me in his life as he needed. Ultimately he told me his friends were more important than me and the marriage. My second husband was charming, fun, exciting then after marriage began to be controlling and jealous and when we had our children became extremely controlling, jealous and abusive. It first began as emotional abuse and ended with physical and emotional abuse. I feel I was never seen as someone they wanted in their lives. When I met the man who died, he was always concerned for me, helped me and wanted to ensure I OK. We were equal partners, I did for him as he did for me. I felt he was genuine in his emotion. I guess I feel lost. I feel as if I have no worth, like I’m alone and always will be alone, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

    #130699
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jaguar55:

    In your original post you asked regarding your current relationship (if it can be called that, being as limited as it is): “How do I get the strength to move on from this relationship? What do I say to him to get him to understand how cruel he is to my emotions?”- seems like you are not sure IF you want to move on from this relationship because you still want him to understand “how cruel he is to (your) emotions.”

    Reads to me like he is not able to be affectionate with you, or with anyone, assuming he never was affectionate with you. If so, you can consider him handicapped this way. It is not reasonable to ask someone to be what he is not. The reason you think he is cruel is because you feel so alone, you “feel lost”, like you “have no worth”- and it seems to you that if only he understood how you feel, he would be… who he is not, affectionate.

    This man was born like any other baby, affectionate. That inclination was probably crushed in him as his parents did not return his affection; maybe even attacked him, cruelly. He survived his life- relatively comfortable, not showing affection.

    Again, if he was always severely affection-deficient with you, then you are trying to get water out of a rock. Consider him an unaffectionate friend, if you will, but give up seeing him as a boyfriend. For affection, approach a man who is capable of such.

    Next, in your original post, you asked: “How do I stop the cycle of being with men who don’t value me?”- the man who died, unfortunately for you, reads like he didn’t belong in that cycle or pattern of men who didn’t value you. And so, that cycle you are referring to was already broken (before being resumed), correct?

    Your first husband preferred his friends. I don’t know the nature of that marriage. Maybe you initiated arguments with him, complained about his behavior frequently and he found peace with his friends? I don’t know.

    For a better understanding on my part, it takes time of back and forth; waiting for your response.

    anita

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