fbpx
Menu

How do I survive an event with mean in-laws?

HomeForumsRelationshipsHow do I survive an event with mean in-laws?

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #76987
    Raven11
    Participant

    I am hoping someone can give me suggestions on how to handle an upcoming situation I will be in. My DH and I have been together for 22 years. Of the 22 years, we have been married for 19 years. We have had marital problems for 4-5 years now. Our entire relationship, women have come on to my DH…. Single, married, all ages… no one has ever recognized that he is married. I used to blame them women but lately have come to realize that the common denominator is my DH. He is good looking but he must also be giving all of these women a message that he might just be available. I say that because there have been sooooo many women…. I have lost count. When I get upset whenever I discover that yet another random woman, client, high school friend, or ex-girlfriend has contacted him to flirt with him or talk to him about inappropriate things. He says that I punish him for other people’s behaviors and that I am “abusive” and that he is an “abused husband.” I feel that I have the right to question the appropriateness of these “relationships” or conversations. They are hurtful to me and make me feel ugly… as if I am not good enough.

    Three years ago, I was pretty certain my DH was having an affair or, at least, toeing the line of having one. Our marriage was really struggling and I didn’t even recognize my DH anymore. He was acting so differently and absolutely checked out of our marriage and kids. One night, my DH had a little too much to drink. He was showing me a message his brother sent and I noticed one message from my BIL invited only my DH to a family party. In his message, he hinted at hooking my DH up with a couple of young women. I asked my DH if I was understanding that correctly…. That his brother was trying to set him up on a date and my DH, quite buzzed at this point, said yes. He admitted that his brother was doing exactly that. We had a lengthy conversation about it. This cut me to the core. I was so shocked that someone would go after my marriage so aggressively and not care that it could cause us to divorce… that it would permanently scar my children.

    This led to many fights with my DH. We were struggling as is. What hurt me the most is that my DH did not stand up for our marriage, our family, or me. He did message his brother and told him not to send messages like that anymore because “my wife saw it and got pissed”. My BIL was furious and told my DH that the entire family never liked me. My BIL talks smack about every person in his life…. Seriously, everyone. I’ve heard him say the ugliest things about his wife, kids, inlaws, parents, siblings, best friends, you name it. What I have never understood is why don’t others realize when he is trash talking or spreading lies about others that he will do the same to them? Nope, instead they crowd around him. It’s like the movie, Mean Girls. No matter how horrible they are, people still fall in line to hang out with them. I don’t get it.

    SO… here is my dilemma. In a few days, there is a family reunion and we have to go. I say “have to” because my MIL is in poor health and we don’t know how much longer she will be around. I am positively ill about going. My BIL has spread so many lies about me… possibly things my DH has made up about me to justify his own behavior (i.e. being abused). The allies I once had in the family have turned their backs. I have to go and spend time with my MIL… at least the dinner and part of a reception. The rest of the time, I will excuse myself with a migraine or some other excuse. How do I handle being in a room filled with people and no one speaking to me? The last family event I went to was positively painful. A few people said hello but when I did make attempts at conversations, everyone would stand in awkward silence. Very uncomfortable. Even the kids avoided me.

    I have accepted that most, if not all, will avoid or ignore me.
    I have accepted that these people have heard so many lies about me that they believe that I am something I am not.
    I have accepted that my DH will not back me if anyone is rude and will likely blame me for anything that might go sour. (This issue will be dealt with at a later date)

    Can anyone suggest how I can survive this brutal experience?

    #76988
    PathOfPeace
    Participant

    Goodluck. I know your pain. It might not be the “Best way” to deal with it but when Im in a…place/time where I cant escape from it. I just pretend that Im in prison for that time and use it to remind me to never do anything bad enough in life to be sentenced to real prison. If you find a better way let me know 😉 I have yet to find it.

    #76991
    Raven11
    Participant

    Well. Thinker, I have to say I have used a similar technique in the past….I have pretended that I am in an insane asylum and will be released soon. Then I sit back and watch the family and try to diagnose their mental disorders (results: lots of narcissism!). I have also pretended to be writing a book but was busted writing down details os all the characters. I had to quickly come up with a brilliant excuse for that one.

    I do wish there were exercises and/or comebacks that would help me counteract the lies that have been told about me. Also, how do I respond when one of the outer members says something like, “everything okay? you are awfully quiet tonight!” or “you seem different. what’s going on?”

    I HATE fighting so I would love to have a comeback ready to go…. something vague that won’t start WWIII.

    #76994
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi raven11,

    No one can argue with a tooth ache. I’m serious. The day of the event, make like you’re all ready to go and then go “DAMMIT!!” and “run to the dentist” and text once you’re “there” to go on without you. Cracked tooth, root canal, whatever. In reality you will be at a spa, having a well deserved massage.

    Now, what you should also do is call/visit “his” side of the family, each individually. Tell them that there are rumors that you are abusive, and/or about your husband’s shenanigans, and that you don’t know what to do! Confide in them in a “what do you think I should do” kind of way. You have to get out from under this family mob mentality that you are the bad guy. Pick the weakest link and become their best friend. Next year, do this with the next weakest link. One day, at a funeral or something, BIL will be all, “How come everyone’s clustered around HER?” LOL

    An easier thing to do, of course, is to shed your DH, but if you have kids I can see why you might not want to do that (yet).

    #77001
    Raven11
    Participant

    Hi Inky, thanks for the reply! Unfortunately, I can’t pull the cracked tooth schtick because my BIL is a periodontist and 2 other family members are in the dental field. If they can’t fix it, then they know someone who will.

    I do like your idea of creating a union with a single family member at a time. I am hoping that if I present myself in a good light, they will see me as I am… not as this horrible rumor that has been spread about me. I need to find a way to center myself and be calm. The past month, the stress of knowing that I will be dealing with this has caused me to become ill with stress. My face is spotty, I have dark circles under my eyes, and I am completely on edge. Others can probably feel this negative energy surround me. Not very attractive.

    I need to find this magical something that will bring calm to my body, face, and mind. It would be wonderful to arrive calm and centered rather than stressed and ill.

    #77007
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Raven:
    I am struck by your strong sense of humor in facing unfortunate circumstances in the context of your marriage and in the context of your husband’s family. Two connected and yet separate issues. But your question is not about either. It is about the event. I like the dental schtick when suggested but your answer put that to rest. I also like the jail pretense and the insane assylum, including the diagnosing people with mental illnesses. Here is an idea: practice radical acceptance in the party- do not resist the pain, see how much of it you can endure without dissociating (right brain dissociation such as numbing or left brain dissociation such as obsessing/ thinking). Just BE there.
    Take care:
    anita

    #77009
    Raven11
    Participant

    Anita, that is a good suggestion. I just read something about Navy Seals having to sit with the uncomfortable…. if you are comfortable, you are dead. I might have gotten that all wrong but it sounds like there is something to it. I will need to practice this though. I don’t know how to practice anything like this but it would help. Thanks!

    #248371
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It is hard to survive an event with mean in laws or mean family. I just don’t go to events anymore, I refuse and avoid. I let my husband go alone or we both dont go unless its mandatory. We literally stopped going to things after a few years of marriage, its the best way to keep happy. Understand your MIL is unwell, just go visit her, no need to visit an event. Phone her daily. Going to an event and feeling uncomfortable is a bad feeling and I know it well. I hope that you can just avoid events completely because there is no point going somewhere where you feel you dont belong.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.